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desperately need support and wise words
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desperately need support and wise words

Ok, I guess the only reason I am telling this story is I need some unbiased support. I have been so used to second guessing my own feelings the past year and a half that I don't know up from down sometimes anymore. My engagement ended very abruptly the other night with a cruel twist of fate; the night I picked up my dress. We got into an argument which was stupid and I told him I didn't want to fight. I fell asleep on the couch and I guess he stayed up drinking. I was awoken about an hour later by him jokingly squirting me with a water bottle to wake me up. I told him to stop and he did it again. Then I told him to leave me alone and I was going to bed. I didn't know he was behind me and he thought I slammed the door in his face. So he opened the door and came at me in a way that made me think that he was going to hit me. Instead, he got a crazed, psychotic look on his face and poured the water all over me. The first time he did it it was all over my face and I was in shock. Then he told me to get the "dumb" look off my face. (He had never been mentally abusive really before) and I asked him if he was crazy and he said I was stupid. Then he squirted me with the water again, this time all over my shirt. This may sound weird but when he was squirting the water he might as well have been hitting me. Then I was so in shock I had to leave and he thought I was walking out on him so he told me to give him back the ring. I was just dumbfounded, I didn't know what to say. Then he pinned me up against the door and told me he would "break my f&&@ing finger if he had to" and ripped the ring off so hard he tore skin and I have a big gash on my finger. I immediately called my parents and headed to their house and he stood on the front lawn waving goodbye to me. I just couldn't believe it. Now, he is calling me all the time telling me I am his life and he can't live without me he is so sorry, you know all the cliche things. But I won't lie I miss him so much and I am trying so hard to be strong but his words feel good and I just want to come running back so bad. Then yesterday I found out he did this to his ex-fiance and the girlfriend before that he beat up so bad she ended up in the hospital. I am just at a loss and I can't eat or sleep. My life has done a 180 in three days.I guess I just need some opinions outside of the situation. He is acting like all we need to do is talk it out then we will be fine. I haven't flat out said that the wedding is off and moved out partly because I'm afraid of what he will do. Do I owe it to him to talk about anything? Or do I get my s@#t and run for my life? The wedding is supposed to be in two months and I feel evil for doing this even thought logically I know I shouldn't. He thinks we will just talk and sort through it all. I let my emotions get the best of me Saturday and I called him and told him how much I missed him and he was so apologetic and sympathetic and kept telling me how much he loved me. I just don't know how to handle this. I think it is so unfair that he literally rips the ring off my finger and I am put in the position to be the bad guy and break his heart and call off the wedding. My heart feels like it is literally breaking. Please help me I need wise words.
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Run in the opposite direction as fast as you can. This guy is dangerous- really dangerous and you are just damn lucky that he snapped before- not after- the wedding. I am sure he is seductive and sorry, and loving-- that is exactly the way these guys are. They run hot and cold- and the hot is appealing- but just temporary -and he will eventually kill someone or maime them- or something terrible. I am not being dramatic here- if you want some background read the work of Neil Jacobsen and John Gottman on "cobras" and "pitbulls" different kinds of abusers- the former being the most deadly,

   This isnt going to be an isolated incident. There was real sadism in the scene you described to me. This wasn't your average guy lashing out- he was enjoying his humiliation and domination of you.

   I am not kidding. If you feel weak , go far away. Go somewhere you can't call him or see him. Cry and grieve for the relationship you had hoped you had, but did not. Get him out of your system and never see him again. Then, when you feel healed, go find someone who is worthy of your love.
38 Comments
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Avatar_n_tn
punky i responded on the womens forum. it was a long one but you should read. what would you say to a friend or someone on here if they wrote the same? i bet youd say to save yourself before its too late.
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Avatar_n_tn
First of all, I would like to say that I am really sorry you have to go through this just two months before your wedding. But my question is how long have you known him before you got engaged? These are red flags that us women always ignore because our heart is so caught up in the relationship, but you have to be positively sure that you want to marry this guy after what he did to you. THings like this only get worse if you are married, and given his track record, it seems like you just might be the next one to end up in the hospital. If I were you, I would postpone the wedding and make sure that you want to be with him for the rest of your life. I know it's hard when so many opinions from friends and family come into play, but you have to do what you know is right for you. Good luck.
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Avatar_n_tn
First of all, I would like to say that I am really sorry you have to go through this just two months before your wedding. But my question is how long have you known him before you got engaged? These are red flags that us women always ignore because our heart is so caught up in the relationship, but you have to be positively sure that you want to marry this guy after what he did to you. THings like this only get worse if you are married, and given his track record, it seems like you just might be the next one to end up in the hospital. If I were you, I would postpone the wedding and make sure that you want to be with him for the rest of your life. I know it's hard when so many opinions from friends and family come into play, but you have to do what you know is right for you. Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
"Instead, he got a crazed, psychotic look on his face and poured the water all over me. The first time he did it it was all over my face and I was in shock. Then he told me to get the "dumb" look off my face."

This man is abusive. The question is, "what are you going to do about it"? In my case, I left.

You can try counseling, but the problem with that is many abusive men will go to counseling (only for one or two sessions) to try to save the relationship, but that never works. They need to go counseling for themselves and need to attend more than two sessions. And so do you. I would recommended seeing a counselor and deciding what you are going to do. I hope you know that abusive men very rarely change and you do NOT deserve to be disrespected by any man. This man has taken your power and you need to reclaim it and find a man who can give you the love you deserve and respect you.

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As far as the wedding, I would seriously, seriously considering cancelling or postponing it, until you seek counseling and decide what you are going to do.

You deserve better !

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Avatar_n_tn
This may be the first time it turned physical but for the past year and a half I have felt like a hamster on a wheel just trying to not say the wrong thing, look at him wrong, use the wrong tone of voice, seem like I am ignoring him, act happy enough, whatever to avoid a fight. I have been exhausted trying to keep up this relationship. The fights always came out of nowhere and I always wondered what I did to deserve it. I feel like I may need serious help to get over this.
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I just told him that he needs to first of all accept that we are through and then tell his parents what happened because Ithey love him and i love him and we want him to get help. He told me there is no point in getting help if he can't have me. He is just interested in getting back together.
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Hello I am very sorry for what happened to you. I think what happened might be the best since it is not to late. If he was abusive before he will do it again. You should call the wedding off and move on with your life. I know it sounds very harsh but sometimes it is better to be alone than to be afraid to say something. I am sure you deserve better and you will find that person who adores you.

Be strong, you can get through this
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Avatar_n_tn
I feel like I need to detox, like off of a drug or something. This relationship has literally controlled every single one of my moods for the past year and a half. And that is not an exaggeration. If he was ignoring me, I felt desperate. If he was loving me, I felt ecstatic, and if we were fighting I was angry. We barely had any neutral times. I was constantly worried about how he felt and where our relationship stood. The ironic thing is he always told me that I needed to relax, but I have never been like this so it had to be something he was doing.
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He just sent me a tex message that said he told his mother everything and she said i can talk to her if I want to. Like she is some magic cure? She was always nasty to me! She created this monster. He can do no wrong in her eyes and she does everything for him. I can only imagine what she would tell me, that he just has a temper, doesn't mean it, I have been so good for him, all stuff I heard from her before when he left me at the bar. My parents are hiring a truck to move my stuff out tomorrow and I haven't talked to him yet. I feel guilty moving out from underneath him. I am in shambles right now. I am ignoring him and it is killing me to do that. He keeps sending me messages that he can't take this anymore, he is going insane, he needs to hear from me. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
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Avatar_f_tn

He will probably do everything he can to get you back. Now is a good time to write down everything this guy has done to you (and I'm not just talking physically... I'm talking emotional abuse as well.. which is usually worse) It is time to stay angry at him and focus on YOU. Don't feel guilty about doing what you have to do to survive and to protect yourself. Remember who you were before you met this person... and that women who stay in these relationships get beaten down and sometimes lose themselves and give all of their power to their abusive significant other. Already you said that you've been walking on eggshells. You aren't responsible for him and if you stay with him, you will probably get worse and won't be able to help him. The best thing I did for my ex was to leave him. And after I left him, it was the happiest time of my life (after getting over the relationship).

Also remember... love is not control. Someone who is controlling you, cannot love you unconditionally. It isn't healthy.

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Avatar_n_tn
The alarm bells are ringing darling and the message cant be any clearer than it is.  You need to cut your losses and get out quickly.  Dont be fooled by his apologies.  He is abusive and has serious problems.  He is manipulating you in a way to feel sorry for him.  As you have already stated this happened with his previous partner, the pattern has already been set and he wont change until HE gets help.  Its not your responsibility to help or save him.  Do yourself a favour and make a clean break ... seek therapy for yourself if you feel you need to but move on with your life counting your blessings for dodging what could have been a horrible marriage with a very dangerous individual.  I would also reccomend that you perhaps consider taking a womens empowering class to help you become more assertivie, confident and to better able yourself  to deal with real life situations and all kinds and to help you to  identify whats okay and whats not okay in a relationshipthen  how to deal with it in a postive manner and without feeling guilt.  Honestly honey you are better off without him.  Good luck!
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Of course you're going to be aching and in emotional pain, you poor thing! but you are not ending the relationship, you are not destroying it, he did that already, don't feel guilty! Mental abuse is a lot harder to recognize, treat, and get over. It's the most debilitating, heart wrenching state being in a relationship with someone who ignores you. Domestic abuse is a horrible thing, and you are so smart to recognize his tendencies and need for help. I think you need to realize you've already been abused, mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. You're not preventing it from happening, it already did happen, and you are going to be heartbroken for a while, but head for the hills! None of it is your fault, and there's nothing you could have done better, you couldn't change him before, no wedding, no ring, no promises will change him either. He's no doubt been through something terrible in his life to make him be this way, and that's a shame, but it was nothing you did! Of course we want to fix "it," but what you've already been through and WILL GO THROUGH if you continued the relationship is not fixable. It will ONLY get worse. Also be careful of his manipulating you by threatening suicide, he sounds like he may head that way. It's an extremely manipulative thing to do, so be on guard and ready for it. I've been at that point myself, and if you aren't prepared, it takes the wind out of you. A broken heart is the hardest thing to get through, but you DO GET THROUGH IT! I thought that was a really good comment you made to him about his parents loving him and you loving him and wanting him to get help. He obviously needs to hear that he is loved, and of course you love him, No one would question that, no matter what he may say, he knows it too. You will enable him if you continue this relationship, you will tell him it's okay to treat you & others this way, He loves you, but it is not okay for him to do that. But you will help him if you walk away! Listen to all the advice everyone gave, it was so good! Voices of experience! It would be so much more painful, more debilitating, more destructive, and much more heart breaking if you continue this relationship! Don't become a statistic and remember despite the way your heart is hurting so much now, and you may feel you will never recover, but you will, you will! I promise!
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Avatar_n_tn
If you marry this guy, you are crazy.....

Run for your life!
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with the above poster. You have to get away from this man. i'd get some counselling to find out why you would even consider staying with him and why you confuse love with this type of behavior. Love doesn't hurt. To marry him is to agree to a life with an abusive, desperate man.Plus he drinks, that only makes it worse. You deserve better. His behavior was violent and abusive. You should have called the police and had him arrested for injuring you when he ripped the ring off our finger. He has done this in the past to others and now he is doing it to you. Run!
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Avatar_n_tn
I agree with alot of these people, WRITE DOWN WHAT HE DID TO YOU! I did the same when me and  my ex broke up 6 months ago and although it still hurts, I can read these things and assure myself that I made the right decision. It's so easy to think of only the good times when you miss someone, but be strong. Everything will be much clearer in hind-sight, just remember to be true to yourself. I understand when you say he controlled everything about you (feelings and all) because I was the same way but it's not worth it and you'll only resent him in the end, but now I feel stronger and I know good things will happen for me...and for you sweetie. God bless! :)
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Avatar_n_tn
I agree with alot of these people, WRITE DOWN WHAT HE DID TO YOU! I did the same when me and  my ex broke up 6 months ago and although it still hurts, I can read these things and assure myself that I made the right decision. It's so easy to think of only the good times when you miss someone, but be strong. Everything will be much clearer in hind-sight, just remember to be true to yourself. I understand when you say he controlled everything about you (feelings and all) because I was the same way but it's not worth it and you'll only resent him in the end, but now I feel stronger and I know good things will happen for me...and for you sweetie. God bless! :)
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Avatar_n_tn
When you first meet people, they usually tell you loud and clearly who they are, you just have to be listening.  For whatever reason, you missed the early signs, but you should consider youself fortunate for such a stark picture of himself being presented.

If this itself is not enough to convince you, consider this: if you had kids, would you want them to see that and how would you explain it to them.  The answers are of course obvious.

You're lucky - run and throw away your rear view mirror.

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Avatar_n_tn
What does your gut tell you to do?
Take a moment to clear your head and really listen to what your heart is telling you to do--without worrying about consequences, hurting his feelings, postponing the wedding, etc.
What did you come up with?
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Avatar_n_tn
Leave him.  If you stay longer it will only be worse.  This is a clear pattern-abuse, apologize, cool off, start it all over.  Is that the roller coaster you want to ride.

how about kids?  Will he do that to thme as well.

I have this advice for anyone- if your b/f or g/f hits you it is over.  Period.  Walk out the door and never come back.  If you stay he knows he has you.  He will see you as weak.  He controls you.  He can hit you and you crawl back.  In his mind, his ego, he says I'm so great she'll be back no matter how hard I hit her.  

Leave him.  Have the police there when you get your stuff and leave.  If he asks why just say you abused me.  I deserve better.  I don't give second chances when it comes to my safety and self-respect.  Goodbye.

Now take charge and do that.  The alternative is to be back here in  6 months to a year saying he did it again.
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Be careful, though.  Leaving may trigger an even worse attack, God forbid.  When they can't control you by wheedling and manipulation, violence often follows.  Be ultra cautious, keep family and friends close by and aware of your activities.
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Avatar_n_tn
Where are you? You haven't posted on this post for a couple of days. Your story is so sad and I almost cried when I read one of the post (C6 I think). I can't imagine how you have felt for the last year and a half. Almost like living on the edge? I am sorry you or anyone has to go through this. Please take the advise everyone here has giving you and please please write back.
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Thank you for your concern.I am at a friend's house. Yes, I have been on a roller coaster for the last year and a half. I just want my life back. I'm surprised I don't have gray hair, as uptight and nervous as I always was. I guess you should never ignore your sixth sense. I have moved most of my stuff out, I think I am going to have to get a court order for the rest because I will have no contact with him. He keeps leaving me messages about how his life is over now and I ripped his heart out, etc. He even said I owe it to him to tell him WHY I am doing this. I am still barely eating and sleeping but I am seeking counseling so I can get better. My brain knows I am doing the right thing, my heart just doesn't know yet. But I will never go back to him, that's for sure.
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Avatar_n_tn
You are being very brave & strong. I hope you are feeling good about your decision. Perhasps you might think about changing your phone number. Might save you from having to deal with all his messages, etc. Stay strong & hang in there...you will not always feel like you do today and there is much happiness ahead!
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Avatar_n_tn
Think hard about whether you REALLY need anything else before getting a court order for your stuff.  I can't think of any stuff that would be worth that trouble, and possibly enraging him furthur.

You don't owe him an explaination of any type.  He knows what he did.  He'll use your explaination and twist it around so that it doesn't seem so bad.  He's trying to manipulate you.  Good for you for getting and staying away.

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Avatar_n_tn
Good for you.

I agree with the post that says to make sure you really need the stuff you left behind.  If you do, then you might need some help getting it.  If not leave it behind.

He does not need an explanation.  If you give him an explanation he will jsut say he will fix whatever you say.  If you decide to tell him why just tell him that he abused you and that is the end of the story.  No conversation, no second chances.  You are done with him.

If he continues to contact you keep a log of the times, where when. You may need that if he can't let go and turns into a stalker.  If he keeps contacting you tell him you want no for the contact- none.  Change your telephone number- email, whatever- don't give him the chance to contact you.  

Above all be strong- His actions brought this on.  You did nothing wrong.
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He just sent me a message that said "I am so lonely without you. I can't even stay at the house." It is taking all my strength not to answer.
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Good for you, punkybear.
My prayers and thoughts are with you--please be strong!
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Stay tough..you will get through this. Please consider changing your phone number. I know that a part of you wants to hear from him, but I think it's really just making things more difficult for you. Please let us know how you're doing...
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Avatar_f_tn

Hi Punkybear,

There is some good advice in here. I'm in your corner... no matter what happens. I hope you started writing down some of the things your ex has done to you. Believe it or not, it really helps. My friend forced me to do it once. = )

Stay strong.... keep in touch and no matter what, I'm in your corner.

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Avatar_n_tn
Hi, it is funny that you say that because I made a list today. and I know there are some things that I am forgetting and I look at the list and it is embarrassing that I put up with so much bs. I had forgotten some of the things he had done like lock me out of the house and break one of my ceramic things that was really special to me. (I found it in pieces in the back yard.) I have started talking to a counselor and she told me the first thing I need to do is read the book "Women who Love Too Much" and every time I get to a part that makes me mad or sick to my stomach or cry to call her because these are my "hot buttons" and my mind is trying to deny them. I also went to my m.d. and got an anti-depressant just to help me with things like not eating and sleeping and to kind of keep my emotions at bay because it is hard to get through the day without crying. Tomorrow I am getting a bunch of family and friends together to get the rest of my furniture out and then I am changing my phone number. I wanted to wait because he is still trying to call me and I didn't want to put him in such a rage he destroyed anything. After that, I think I can hopefully try to move on. He is still trying to make me feel bad, sending messages about how much he misses me and his last one was a little angry. It said "Ok go ahead and ignore me I guess I have never forgiven you for anything or done anything for you." It's hard but I have a huge support group with family, friends, and people here on this board. Thank you, everyone.
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Avatar_f_tn

I think you are on the right path. Of course sometimes taking the right path isn't always easy. I know it is tough right now, but this is only temporary. (don't you love that word... temporary?) = )

I am happy to hear that you have a lot of support and that you made the list. Keep looking at that piece of paper, when necessary.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am so gald you wrote back, I began to worry. I know i do not know you but just to think there is some one going through so much worrys me.


You are so brave, and i know it hurts but you are doing the right thing and as time goes by it will get easier.

Who-dis said it best, you do not owe him anything, please just get that out of your head. I am glad you are at a friends house, atleast you have some one to talk to. Of cource there is us but someone you can HOLD a conversation with

GOOD LUCK!!!
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I am in awe of you at the moment! I know this reply is a little late - like nearly a week - but I've just caught up on it. I am usually on the Women's Health forum. I have so much admiration for you doing this. I once helped my aunty (who was only 39) go through the same thing about five years ago. The only difference was that she was married and a month after she moved out she found out she was pregnant to him! She continued to live away from her abusive husband (emotionally and mentally that is) throughout the entire pregnancy and he was only allowed at the birth because it was his first baby and she didn't want to deny him that. Anyway, long story short they ended up getting divorced and the kid is now nearly 4. I watched her go through the hardest time in her life particularly being pregnant. She was on anti-depressants shortly after the birth too. I just want to say that you sound like a really strong women - just like my aunty was. I wish you all the best in your emotional recovery and hope this makes you a stronger women who knows what she wants and needs from her man in the future!
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Avatar_f_tn
very excellent advice from the forum doctor. very reassuring that you made the right decision. How is that book "women who love too much" ?? Recommend it to rest of us ?
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Thank you everyone. "Women Who Love Too Much" is hard to read but necessary to read if you have ever been in this situation. And Doctor, thank you, that is very reassuring that I did the right thing. Thank you.
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Avatar_n_tn
leave him. god has helped u .. u r one of the lucky ,lucky women in the world who were warned before a great harm would have been done to them. my friend was killed by her abusive husband, she died.its over for her. y ?because of him but also cauz she didnt leave when she could. her kids faced all the pain n then he abused them and they had her but shes gone too. plz run away as fast as u can. be happy to be alive and to be able to find someone else in this big world who will love u. life is giving u chances avail them .
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