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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
ejaculate too quickley
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
ejaculate too quickley
by andy1968, Aug 14, 2009 01:01PM
i have been with my girlfriend 10 months but one thing that is a sticking problem is that i cant help coming too quickley. we do the foreplay too make sure things last longer but she orgasms on penitration. this only last a couple of minutes before i ejaculate. what can i do? i have had viagra in the past which i admitt does keep me hard but doesnt stop me from ejaculating too soon. i feel that the woman i love i am letting down and dont get interested again after ejaculation.
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Aug 15, 2009 10:47AM
, Aug 15, 2009 10:47AMTo: andy1968
Hello.
You're being victimized by a couple of really harmful myths. The first is that you HAVE to last a long time in order to satisfy your girlfriend, and the second is that there's some optimum length of time you should last.
First, Viagra improves blood flow to the penis and has no effect on delaying orgasm.
If you read some of the other posts, you’ll discover that this is a very common concern—particularly among younger men. I encourage you to look at some of the other posts so you can see that you’re not alone—and also see how easy it is to learn to last longer if you so desire.
During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) So if you learned to come quickly when being sexual with yourself, that can also set up a lifelong pattern. Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long she would like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her. In fact, the most helpful thing you can do is ask her how she feels. Does she WANT you to last longer, and if so, why? You may find that she's just fine with your pattern. And it doesn't sound like it's impeding either her pleasure or yours, so why the anxiety? I think you're holding yourself to an unrealistic standard and trying to fit into some ideal model that doesn't really exist.
That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, if there are any relationship conflicts or you’re angry or feeling resentful about your partner, these can also contribute to wanting to get it over with. For more information about male sexual issues, I highly recommend the book, "The New Male Sexuality," by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand their sexuality. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
You're being victimized by a couple of really harmful myths. The first is that you HAVE to last a long time in order to satisfy your girlfriend, and the second is that there's some optimum length of time you should last.
First, Viagra improves blood flow to the penis and has no effect on delaying orgasm.
If you read some of the other posts, you’ll discover that this is a very common concern—particularly among younger men. I encourage you to look at some of the other posts so you can see that you’re not alone—and also see how easy it is to learn to last longer if you so desire.
During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) So if you learned to come quickly when being sexual with yourself, that can also set up a lifelong pattern. Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long she would like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her. In fact, the most helpful thing you can do is ask her how she feels. Does she WANT you to last longer, and if so, why? You may find that she's just fine with your pattern. And it doesn't sound like it's impeding either her pleasure or yours, so why the anxiety? I think you're holding yourself to an unrealistic standard and trying to fit into some ideal model that doesn't really exist.
That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, if there are any relationship conflicts or you’re angry or feeling resentful about your partner, these can also contribute to wanting to get it over with. For more information about male sexual issues, I highly recommend the book, "The New Male Sexuality," by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand their sexuality. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
