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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
erection and ejeculation
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
erection and ejeculation
by Kenkaid, Jun 13, 2009 12:10PM
Ok heres my problem.. everytime i get worked up enough for a erection it seems to happen and then very easily with no effort just goes.. now i have been able to sustain a erection enough for penetration but im still a little bit worried that is could be some kind of dysfunction?
Im not taking any medication and its starting to cause me anxiety with my sexual performance
another thing also is that funny enough it takes me ages to get to the point of ejeculation now i have been circumcised but i can ejeculate fine on my own.. just with other people it seems too take ages!
Is there anything wrong with me?
Im not taking any medication and its starting to cause me anxiety with my sexual performance
another thing also is that funny enough it takes me ages to get to the point of ejeculation now i have been circumcised but i can ejeculate fine on my own.. just with other people it seems too take ages!
Is there anything wrong with me?
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Jun 16, 2009 05:42PM
, Jun 16, 2009 05:42PMTo: Kenkaid
Hi there.
Relax. there's nothing wrong with you. In fact, your concerns are very common in men in their 20s. And you're not "broken," so stop worrying.
The fact that you get erections and ejaculate during self-pleasuring is a good indicator that there's nothing physiologically preventing your erections, etc. It's all in your head.
Welcome to your 20’s! Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to let go of worrying about "performance," as you call it.
Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once your penis didn't act as you expected, you probably started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. By being so goal-oriented, some men never get to feel the simple pleasures of touch, of kissing, of soft skin on skin. And, of course, if you can allow yourself to let go of goals and just enjoy, guess what? That erection will come right back. So don’t focus so much on penis-vagina (p-v) sex as the “end-all, be-all” of sex, but rather just let yourself relax and enjoy whatever occurs. And don’t have p-v sex until you’re ready.
The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.
There are many other reasons why you may be inhibited with you’re your partner. I’m going to assume that when you say “sex,” you mean p-v. This could be due to anxiety—either about sex in general, or about some aspect of your relationship with your partner or partners.
Or perhaps you’re not receiving enough stimulation during p-v, or you might be starting p-v before you’re turned on enough. I’m also wondering how aroused you are by your partner. You could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying.
Orgasm difficulties are also related to anxiety and discomfort. Since you have no problem during self-pleasuring, it's the element of introducing another person into the equation that is causing you problems. On some level, there's something about this situation that's causing you discomfort. You need to figure out what it is.
In addition to examining the above issues, I also highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Relax. there's nothing wrong with you. In fact, your concerns are very common in men in their 20s. And you're not "broken," so stop worrying.
The fact that you get erections and ejaculate during self-pleasuring is a good indicator that there's nothing physiologically preventing your erections, etc. It's all in your head.
Welcome to your 20’s! Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to let go of worrying about "performance," as you call it.
Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once your penis didn't act as you expected, you probably started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. By being so goal-oriented, some men never get to feel the simple pleasures of touch, of kissing, of soft skin on skin. And, of course, if you can allow yourself to let go of goals and just enjoy, guess what? That erection will come right back. So don’t focus so much on penis-vagina (p-v) sex as the “end-all, be-all” of sex, but rather just let yourself relax and enjoy whatever occurs. And don’t have p-v sex until you’re ready.
The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.
There are many other reasons why you may be inhibited with you’re your partner. I’m going to assume that when you say “sex,” you mean p-v. This could be due to anxiety—either about sex in general, or about some aspect of your relationship with your partner or partners.
Or perhaps you’re not receiving enough stimulation during p-v, or you might be starting p-v before you’re turned on enough. I’m also wondering how aroused you are by your partner. You could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying.
Orgasm difficulties are also related to anxiety and discomfort. Since you have no problem during self-pleasuring, it's the element of introducing another person into the equation that is causing you problems. On some level, there's something about this situation that's causing you discomfort. You need to figure out what it is.
In addition to examining the above issues, I also highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
