having kids

well we are trying to have kids and well ... we get all in the mood and as soon as he penetrates me well he goes off like a bullet... like not even 2seconds... how do i get him to last longer in me... so i can at least have an orgasm myself... i know hes nervous and all about being a parent but its so not fun ...

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

You don't say why your partner is nervous about having kids. Could it be that he's feeling conflicted about this? Perhaps it's more your idea than his? This could be contributing to his anxiety and speed. Have you talked with each other openly and honestly about having kids?

During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if he’s feeling conflicted about impending parenthood, this can create anxiety. Anything new can be scary.

Realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. Are you thinking that if he lasts longer, somehow you’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t put pressure on him to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please you.

If he genuinely wants to slow down his pattern, here are some techniques for lasting longer:

First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. He should try teasing himself by stimulating himself just to the point where he feels he’s about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give him a sense of control as well as teach him to recognize his own point of no return (when he knows he’s about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when he feels he’s getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.

It’s also important that he examine whether he has any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with himself or with you. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause him to feel the need to get it over with quickly. And naturally, any relationship conflicts can also contribute. Dr. J