how do you know

[elmo607]

if my husband has intercourse i never feel tingly or anything after a while i get bored. we have tried lots of different stuff. if he rubs my clit and intercourse i get all tingly and it feels good but i never know if i got off. the tingling stops and i get bored with sex because it starts to hurt. any ideas what is wrong? or any ideas what to do? i want to please him and i want to keep our marriage interesting. is there a way to tell if a woman gets off?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi

Regarding orgasm, here's some preliminary information for you:

In women, the clitoris must be stimulated—either directly or indirectly—in order for orgasm to happen. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm. Most women don't orgasm from penis-vagina sex alone because it's difficult for the clitoris to receive enough stimulation. So please don't put pressure on yourself that you have to orgasm that way. There are lots of ways to share pleasure and enjoy sex--and lots of ways to orgasm.

It takes time and practice to learn about your own orgasms before you share them with a partner. The best way to find out what you like is to experiment when you’re alone. Check out the area around your clitoris first. Be sure to use some lubrication and gently touch around the top and sides to find out what feels good. You may need to do this many times before you get comfortable and used to the intensity. Find the sensitive spots that feel good. The best part of this learning experience is that it’s fun!

Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely. Also: the sooner you let go of the idea that your role is to please your husband and make your marriage interesting, the sooner you’ll be on your journey to great sex—AND enhanced self-esteem. Good luck! Dr. J

[elmo607]

thanks for that advise but why does the clit start to hurt once i start to feel that intensity?

[slow_healer]

It could be from too much stimulation or from too direct stimulation. Not every woman can handle rubbing on their clitoris pleasurable. Sometimes it works better if it's indirect, such as from the side or along both sides. I say keep experimenting. Experiment with yourself and with your partner. I agree with Janice - it's a response that comes from you *for* you - not for anyone else. Good luck!

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

You may be experiencing clitoral sensation as painful because you're not used to the intensity and you may be misinterpreting it as pain. Sometimes you have to continue on through what feels like pain until you get to the other side (orgasm). Another reason is that you may be getting too much stimulation before you're sufficiently aroused. Be sure to use lots of lubrication, and experiment with touching in various spots--not just directly on your clit. You'll notice that you need direct stimulation once you're close to orgasm, because the clit glans pulls up under the hood, but before that, try stroking over the hood and on either side to find out what feels good. Some women prefer the left side, and others the right. Everyone is different. Dr. J

[elmo607]

thanks the thing is i have tried different things and it all happens the same way. once the tingling starts then it goes away and nothing else happens or it turns into pain and im sore all the next day. why?

[ariti]

maybe you are pressing too hard too early  just keep experimenting  always better when u r really wet or use good lube

[Fuzzz]

One way to make sure stimulation is not directly on the clit is to push down on the skin over the mons pubis (pubic bone).  Not only does it cover and protect the most sensitive area, but it pressure there is stimulating also.  Hand position should be very flat so you aren't using the tips of the fingers - use the pads.  Doing pelvic tilts and tightening and relaxing buttocks seems to encourage blood flow into the area.  

A new technique I just discovered was tapping on the muscles next to the inner labia.  Because I was ill recently, I am very thin right now, so maybe that's why they are so obvious.  I found that tapping on these muscles (as if they were piano keys) produced orgasm - worked twice so far.  

[sherqa]

let your husband lay down on the bed and you climb him and sit over him and do sex, tell him not to move himself  just lay down and you do all the moving job, try hard till you got what you want, sure you will be tired too much but keep moving within some days it will be normal for you. (tell me if it worked ***@****)