This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
will someone please help me? i know this may sound strange coming from a female, but i have a problem with masturbation. i do it often and have the desire to do it as well. i do not completely understand this because i have a boyfriend and i really don't think i should need to. i do not do it on a daily basis and it has been getting a little better, but every time i tell myself, "i have to stop this," i just don't. i can go months at a time without doing it sometimes and then out of nowhere it happens. i really just want to stop. i get this horrible guilt every time i do it and i feel ashamed and embarrassed. i am also afraid that this can ruin my sex experience when i get older. some people tell me that everyone does it and that it can even be healthy for you...but i just want to stop. I HAVE TO STOP! i want to so bad but i just cannot understand why i cannot have enough self-control to stop it. am i weak? i thought maybe this would help...this is my first attempt to get some help and i feel like this is the first step to overcoming my problem. i am also afraid that this will turn into some kind of addiction. my boyfriend knows someone who i sexually addicted and he masturbates at least twice a day. i know that what i am going through is not that bad, but i cannot help but wonder...what if it does get that bad? i mean, every kind of addiction has to start somewhere. i feel like i am being held back or tied down because of this. i want to stop this now before it becomes a much more serious problem...can you please help me?!?!?!
It sounds like you’re afraid of your sexuality. However, sexual energy is powerful and demands expression. If guilt accompanies it, it becomes more compelling and attractive. You’re giving it even more power by obsessing about it.
Almost everyone feels insecure about masturbation—or self-pleasuring. We all want to know that what WE do is OK. From your note, it looks like you feel that it’s somehow harmful or wrong, yet there are no data to indicate that self-pleasuring is in any way harmful.
I’m here to tell you that whatever works for you is what works for you, and please stop worrying and enjoy your life. The fact that you’re trying to stop self-pleasuring and are finding it difficult should tell you that it’s part of who you are. Accept it as a wonderful gift that keeps on giving.
Here are some facts about self-pleasuring:
It’s the surest way to orgasm and the most effective way to learn about our sexual response cycle, as well as the surest way for women to learn to orgasm.
Another advantage is self-knowledge: How can you show a partner what you like if you don’t know yourself?
And the #1 reason for self-pleasuring: it’s fun!
Self-pleasuring is a part of who you are sexually—for your whole life, not just when you don’t have a partner. People self-pleasure from birth to death, when they’re alone and when they’re partnered. It’s just one of many options we have as sexual beings. It’s not better or worse than partner sex, just different—like steak is different than chicken.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality.
Many of us have deep shame about our sexuality--either our overt behavior, or the more primitive urges and images left over from childhood that we've never accepted. I think this profound sense of shame is what you’d like to get rid of. I encourage you to read more about female sexuality and self-pleasuring. There are two books I recommend because they not only have important information, but they also contain lots of sharing by actual women about their own struggles to accept their sexual selves.
“For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality” by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.
“The Hite Report” by Shere Hite
And please stop worrying about “addiction,” because you can’t become addicted to sex any more than you can become addicted to pizza. You might become dependent on pizza, for instance, but that’s not the same as an addiction. Many times, things that feel out of control are really just a symbol of our internal shame. As I said, the more you worry and obsess, the more out of control you’ll feel. If you accept self-pleasuring as a part of your life, my guess is you’ll become more comfortable and eventually be able to integrate ALL of your sexual behavior into your life in a way that feels positive for you. If this doesn’t happen for you, and you continue to feel bad, you might find it helpful to see a counselor who is trained to help with sexual concerns. Best of luck. Dr. J
Twice a day is NOT excessive - especially for a man and not really for a woman either. It becomes an addiction when it starts to impact the rest of your life (e.g. you stop going out to socialize because you'd rather masturbate all evening). Stop punishing yourself. Having a boyfriend doesn't mean that automatically all your sexual needs are met by this other person. You still know your body better than anyone; thus you are still the most educated person who knows how to satisfy you. I don't understand how you think this is going to ruin your sex life. It's OKAY to masturbate when you have a partner; it doesn't mean that your partner is no longer attractive nor does it mean your relationship is broken.
As I woman in a stable relationship with a good boyfriend and active sex life, I still frequently masturbate. We both do. Sex doesn't always hit all the right spots sometimes, and only masturbation will satisfy me completely. Neither of us feel guilty about it, as we still enjoy and prefer having sex with each other.
Unfortunately when it comes to female guilt, you've got to either work through it or remain slave to it IMO. I think the fact that it's pretty unmistakable when a man is aroused somehow makes it more permissable that they masturbate as frequently as they do. For some reason with women, because our arousal isn't visual, it seems less real, and then (somehow) less appropriate. Many of us are taught from an early age "good girls don't touch" and to feel ashamed of our bodies. Many women never overcome the learned guilt response to feeling aroused.
You can let guilt and its sources beat you up, but I think you'll regret it when you get older and long for these days when your body felt so alive and full of need. If you still want to stop, exercise and get busy so that you're too tired to have energy for this.
i have had this problem also. I have been in relationships over the past ten months and out of both of them, i felt that i shouldnt be required to masturbate, however even when we mutually masterbate (because i am still a technical virgin) i still feel 'dirty' because i am the girl and im not supposed to be that sexual, but we are and whats wrong with feeling pleasure like that? you dont have to quit masterbating. and i know that it seems annoying with everyone tellingyou that because nobody that you know personally has probabally ever talked to you about it. i dont tell anyone. my boyfriend doesnt think i masterbate because we dont talk about it. but im telling you as a fifteen year old cheerleader and pageant queen... even the best of us masterbate. dont be ashamed of it. heck im sure your husband will love that about you. thats the way i try to think about it. my wedding night will be pretty fantastic most likely. lol
i have the same thing also, and i love touching myself,i am that bad that i do it on my breaks at work sometimes when i am in the toilet lol, i am just so horny at times,i ended up telling my husband the way i am after a few months we were married ...he was a little shocked but at the same time he was like well am i not enough....but after time i did it in front of him and he know loves the fact that i am allways horny and he doesnt care at all about it now....
so i wouldnt worry about it
Hi I read ur comment nd I hv almst da sme problem. I'm a girl nd I'm 16. I dnt hv a bf at da moment bt I can tell u 1 thng. I marstubate. I startd at 11 and eva since den I cnt stp I dnt do it regularly but wen I dnt wnt 2 do it den it jst starts 2 hpn. I hv been trying 2 stop bt I cnt weneva I see a blue movie I start doin it or wen I'm alone nd hv ntn 2 do. Plz reply
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