husbands sex drive

[galgolfer9]

My husband, 41, has not had a sex drive since his late 20's. He had a childhood injury that resulted in the loss of one testicle by his mid 20's. He had a normal sex drive, but it began fading in his 20's. Over the past 10 years, he has had no sex drive, and no erections. He found out 2 years ago that his testosterone levels were nornal, so they gave him viagra. That made things "work" but he still had no sex drive. I'm not aware of any sexual abuse he might have experienced. What could be the problem???

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

Tough question.. and I may have a tough answer for you.
One testicle ought to be plenty for manufacture of testosterone and arousal.
It doesn't seem like there is a physical or biological reason here- so, I have to tell you that you should at least consider a relationship reason or a psychological reason.
He may have hidden feelings and fears about sex- and that could come from places other than abuse. Or he may have trouble relating to a partner sexually- and that could be because of relationship issues- or because of internal blocks to intimacy. I would suggest some couple counseling to see what could be the real cause of his sexual issues.

[SeriousSam]

He is perhaps out of physical condition.  Exercise is the greates aphrodisiac.  Do physical stuff with him.

[galgolfer9]

He had normal sexual relations with high school/college girlfriends, then stopped "dating" to avoid having to tell any girl about this condition. He says it was a gradual decline in his sex drive. Since I have been with him, he not only has no desire for sex/intimacy, he also doesn't have what I call (though I'm sure there's a name for it) reflex erections...such as those they get first thing in the morning. Just wondering if this changes any thoughts.
About physical fitness...he's pretty fit...

[Vaninaren]

Hi, Even I face the same problem. My husband was detected with high diabetes when he was 29 and by then we were already into our infertility program. Due to the program we were forced to have sex when docters would tell us, which was not natural rather coerced. Is it because of his diabetical condition or because of forced sex that he seems to has lost it. We now have very very unsatisfactory sex once in a month or less than that. Now even after six years we are still continuing our iui's after a few gaps and his disinterest in sex is definitely not helping us. But the main problem here is he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, and rather than facing it he tries to hide it behind various reasons half the time blaming it on me.

Please help. it is very urgent matter

[galgolfer9]

I have been with him for 6 years, and he almost didn't pursue a relationship so he didn't have to tell me about it...but he said he felt I was worth the whole truth, and should I decide to leave, he'd understand. So, I've never known an ongoing sexual relationship with him. When he was tested for this by a doctor that, evidently, didn't care about his whole story, he was prescribed a "pill" that made things work, but didn't affect his drive, of course.  They did complete bloodwork, so I don't think it's anything like diabetes. I don't know what his life was like before me, though I do know he was almost engaged to a girl when the drive started deminishing, and she left him thinking it was her that he was no longer attracted to. He acknowledges he needs to seek futher help, but has put it off for a while...I guess scared he's going to be told there's no hope... When we got married 3 years ago, we finally tested the pill...which is how I know it works! We had sex maybe 4 times in 4 months, and conceived....and haven't had sex since. He was told he could never father a child..so our daughter is a miracle to him, but once he saw it could happen, he didn't want to risk it with sex....nevermind the fact there are preventatives out there!!!  I'm not interested in sex unless he really wants to do it, not just for me. So, all of that combined, we've not pursued anything since! No offense, but I'm appauled your hubby would blame anything on you...I don't know what your situation is, but perhaps you could let him know you are concerned about the whole situation, and not give him room to blame anything on you....again, I don't know all your details.  I'd love to talk more, if you respond to this.

[SixStringer]

For what it's worth, I know of a guy born with one testicle who has had an above normal sex drive, and he is now in his early 60s, having fathered a son and doing other normal male pursuits throughout his life such as serving in Viet Nam, working 40+ hour weeks, paying off a house, having $700,000.00 in the bank, and so on.  He also wakes up with an erection most days.  Many times, what one doesn't use becomes useless.  Perhaps if you two would go through the motions with Viagra, things would improve in time.  Except for the lack of morning erections, it sounds psychological.  I may be going astray, but do you two have fun together?  Sex should be interesting and fun and not about performance, as another more knowledgeable expert has said on this forum.  I would like to see him pop a pill and then the two of you would just play around for a while, trying different things.  For instance, he would be on his back and you would be on top and you would dangle your breasts in his face and he would lick and suck the nipples.  Then turn around and try "69" position for a while.  Raise up and back your butt up into his face.  Show him what a woman looks like closeup.  And so on . . . Excuse my frankness, but some couples or one or the other partner just doesn't know how to fool around in bed or they get out of practice. The both of you shouldn't think that it's going to get solved all at once after all these years, but have frequent "improvement sessions" throughout the week.  Of course, it would be good if he would go for professional counseling at the same time that you are doing your homework.    

[autumnleaves6]

Lot of what you have said resonates with my story . My boyfriend is in his mid thirties and has been having low sex drive and erectile dysfunction for some time...actually pretty much since we became serious about our relationship, two years ago. He was diagnosed having low testosterone and was put on testosterone cream application following which his blood levels of the hormone have become normal but he still has the same issues...lately he has also lost the morning erections and sexual dreams. He had a girl friend in college and had normal sexual life with her but somehow with me it has never been the case. At all other levels we are very comfortable with one another...but this problem is slowly eroding our relationship. I too am seeking answers..we are also trying couples therapy...so far it has caused more pain than relief.

[woozy]

If a guy isn't having morning erections or any spontaneous erections, he most likely has something physiologically wrong. But are you positive he isn't having them (morning erections)? My husband said he wasn't but I would sneak glances and cop feels (sorry TMI) and he was in fact getting big erections in the morning. They would just be gone by the time he woke up. And I'm pretty sure he was so ashamed of his low sex drive that he would lie about it anyway. There are more involved testosterone tests..ones that test free and bound testosterone and you can look it up on the web for more info if you are still convinced it's physical.

[shaminee]

yes, boold suger in margin i feel also my peain is not errected like befor what my wife and my self 1st start oral sex then its ok for intercourse i think wife has to take  part of that in itercourse in this situation also 1st wife can in top of hosband and start the intercorse all so nother practice for errected the husband pein. my wife most of time doing that its very helpfull to me