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insecure about porn
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insecure about porn

This is my first post. I have an issue that I don't think is uncommon, but I'm not sure how to come to terms with it. Me and my boyfriend are very much in love. He is 45 and I'm 43. We have been together 3 months. We were talking this past weekend (2 days ago) and I brought up the subject of masturbation. I was telling him of a recent fantasy I had about him while masturbating when we were apart for a few days the week before. During the discussion, he said, "Well guys and girls are different, you know the whole men are from Mars thing.." and I asked, "How so?" He proceeded to tell me he (and he assumed most men) can only successfully and comfortably masturbate while watching porn.

I've always had a problem with porn over the years feeling insecure about watching it during sex. Like, why does he have to look at someone else while we're having sex when I'm right here? Aren't I enough for him, etc. I'll never look like that porn star woman. It's something I'm not comfortable with. He accepted the fact I wasn't comfortable watching it with him, but this is the first time I realized he was looking at porn while we're apart and masturbating to it. The fact he needs to look at someone else having sex in order to get off, even alone bothers me. Quite a bit. To the point that I had to stop talking to him about it right then or I was going to start crying. I had no idea that "most" guys masturbate to porn. And I don't care about other guys...only my guy.

Anyone have any advice to help me move past this? I'm still being plagued by thoughts of him doing this and haven't brought it up to him since we talked this one time...
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523042_tn?1212181495
Hi there.

Take a deep breath and let go of some of that anxiety.Your question is quite complex and not easily answered within the brief format of this forum, so my answers may seem a bit abrupt.

You may have some unrealistic expectations about relationships. Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.

Many women think that once they’re in a relationship the partner will only fantasize about them. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, most people find that sexual fantasies are enriching. Most of us like variety. When your partner is watching erotica, he’s not necessarily doing it because of anything you lack, but because it’s a different experience for him than sex with you. Not better; just different, like pizza and steak. If this is a problem for you, you need to discuss it with him. If you’re never going to be comfortable with a partner who watches erotica, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life hurt and confused because it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a partner who is willing to ignore that important part of his sexuality.

Some couples feel that if they don’t do everything together, there’s something amiss; however, most of us need variety and need alone time in order to develop our own perspectives, etc. Here’s an example:

I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.

This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage.

Which brings me to my last point. You need to get some perspective and insight about your own feelings of self-worth. Clearly, his activities are triggering some insecurity in you. And the two of you need to talk with each other about what each of your expectations are of the relationship. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
4 Comments
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1620360_tn?1318908230
First, this is most likely pure fantasy on his part. It's not as though he's going to act out and star in his own porn production. If the worst thing is that he gets off while watching others have sex, well, that's not so bad and it's fairly normal. You shouldn't feel intimidated or insecure over this. Guys have been getting off to porn since National Geographic started showing breasts of native women in Africa. It's nothing new and nothing to feel threatened by.
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Avatar_m_tn
As a guy who watched porn from 16 to early 40's, I consider myself an expert on this - it's mental laziness combined with a visual treat.  That's a tough combo to pass up for most guys.  If he can't lie in bed alone, lights off, and conjure up a fantasy featuring just you (some erotic talk, a different position, etc), then he's reached the male laziness stage.  I do this once in a while to make sure I'm not losing my imagination when it comes to sex.  I'm not saying he should get a raging hard-on just through thoughts alone (he's not 16), but if some fantasy thinking (about you) plus manual stimulation doesn't give good results, this problem is likely to get worse.  The porn is providing the (needed) stimulation to get him aroused, and since you are not in agreement with that, it's going to cause problems.  Either you'll have to change your attitude about porn, or he needs to wean himself off of it and start using his imagination again.  
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1808540_tn?1320118460
Hey, maybe you would like a female point of view. I'm sure there's a small handful of guys that do not watch porn because it just doesn't get them off for some reason (everyone is different), but there is definitely a HUGE amount of guys that do, the majority for sure. In my eyes, it's basically eye candy or just visuals to help stimulate them, and it's not because your not good enough, it's just because they just want to get off just because they simply feel like getting off--either because you're not there, or they are too lazy to actually have sex, and they just want to get it over with.

In my opinion, I believe that masturbation is important. It helps you decided what you like, and helps you explore yourself, and to love your own body. I am a woman, and I watch porn as well, and for the exact same reason as men do. Have you ever tried watching porn? If you do a little searching and find something you might like out of the million horrible videos there is, maybe you will change your outlook on porn. Give it a few go's, and you might even psychologically feel more empowered and less threatened by your boyfriend watching porn. If you watch it, it might not feel like it's such a big deal that he watches it as well. Also, you need to stop comparing yourself to porn stars. Your thinking the tanned blonde, fake *** ones aren't you? Most guys like natural girls, and these girls are just strictly fantasy. Some people don't even like watching the "ideal" porn star. If you go onto porn sites, you will notice that a lot of those girls aren't even that good looking, guaranteed. Also something I've noticed while getting into porn, I've started to become turned on by things I never knew I could be turned on by simply by exploring visually. You never know.

As my more common feminism point of view... I won't lie, but I do sometimes get jealous when I find out my boyfriend has been looking at glamour models in lingerie, and It's even more frustrating to me that I absolutely do not care to stare at half dressed men in magazines. I feel as though it's not fair to me, just because I don't like to look at men for the hell of it. To be completely honest... woman are just hotter, even if you are straight. They have curvaceous bodies, and can pull off sex appeal way better than men. Think of a strip club. A woman looks glamour spinning around a pole, but in my opinion, if I were to see a man spinning around a pole I would be laughing and be entertained, I wouldn't be turned on at all. I'm not sure if you feel the same... but in reality, it's just the way it is, and there is nothing we can do about it.  

As for a scientific point of view, you also have to remember that biologically, humans are mammals. It is a man's instinct to urge for sex in order for the race to reproduce. Unfortunately for humans, we are the smartest creatures on the planet, allowing our emotions and thoughts to get in the way. I really hate talking about this subject, but if you think about rape... mammals rape each other all the time to reproduce. Humans just have emotions, and rape will emotionally hurt someone. We are basically creatures with such a high level of intelligence/emotion, that we have learned to care about feelings, and decided what we think is right and wrong.  
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