less aroused/ no tintersted in men

[toni135]

Hello.

I'm a 20 year old female who has never really been in a relationship simply because I turnn down all the guys that end up liking me. I have liked plenty of people (men and women) and I've worked hard into getting them to like me but once they start showing the same feelings, I end up backing off and then I repeat the whole process once again with someone else. I'm also a virgin. The thought of having sex with anyone doesn't really appeal to me except when I'm aroused but after having an organism, I shiver at the thought of having had sex with someone... anyone really. I am currently getting to know two guys at the moment and both of them are so different in good ways but I don't see myself having sex with them. It's really putting me in an uncomfortable position because they're both very nice and obviously, they're both waiting for answers but I just don't know how to say: I like you as a friend, I would probably wanna have sex with you but right after you have to leave my room IMMEDIATELY as the thought of you laying on my bed will give me a heart attack. Yes, I am completely sounding like a selfish person, but really I'm not. Like I said, I've never really been with anyone in a serious way... I do have a lot of friends and I am the outgoing type as well. But many of my friends wonder why I tend to push away the ones who show genuine feelings for me - goodlooking with an amazing personality - the "perfect" man, if you may. Is there something that could be possibly wrong with me?

I realize that I'm still young but maybe I'm still "exploring" but I'm thinking there has to be a reason why I act this way. I hate constant phone calls from people who like me.. it really annoys me.. and I often say I'm busy when they ask me to go out eventhough I'm really not.

Yes, it could be that maybe I'm just "not ready" BUT I feel that I am... so even I can't explain why I'm like this.

Any ideas?
Thankks.

[MusashiG]

I can't believe I wrote all that.. LOL. I know it's got to be obvious, but I thought I should say that I'm no med pro and just a regular nobody. My inspiration to comment is because that relationship I had, as beautiful as it was, was incomplete for both of us emotionally and physically. She didn't ran away from it dispite 5 years of it being sexual, but never evolving to where she could feel as comfortable emotionally as she obviously enjoyed the physical and more open relational aspects that it provided... I wish I could do something to have prevented losing her.. Masturbation *****!

[MusashiG]

I had a relationship with a girl who had identified as a lesbian and she had difficulties with adjusting to the new feelings and emotions which came from allowing herself to become intimately close to a male, me. She struggled with the emotional issues which had developed into as tools to survive in her abusive family upbringing. She had been a victim of a father who was never there due to his obsession with her evil step mother who repeatedly contributed to his incarceration leaving her to be left in the care of a weird grandfather. Then on top of that her uncle had abused her by using the power of his generous financial support as a manipulative tool to sexually abuse.

The only reason why our friendship grew close enough to evolve into an intimate relationship is because I was able to endure being a consistant unshakable friend to where she was able to trust me. Our whole relationship started and exhisted based upon the fact that she knew I was committed to being a good friend no matter what kinds of problems that surfaced. I was proud to see that she would always show that she must have believed I was worth her stepping up and doing her part for our friendship to survive all the stupid unneccessary things that would have ended most other friendships. I was able to endure all the let downs because she had allowed me to get to know her well enough to be able to understand and blame the causes of the adversities which threatened our relationship and not her.

She considered me her best friend, and I loved her dearly. Unfortunately, she  completely severed our relationship abruptly and without explanation, and it is very difficult for me to accept this circumstance that I could not do anything to prevent, because I miss her so much. It would be alot easier if I could be mad at her, but I can't because I know that it happened because she was struggling with the new feelings developing out of our relationship which was forcing her with the thought that she would be having to let go of many of those attitudes, identity, and characteristics she developed in order to survive the emotional, physical, and sexual abuses of her youth...
I have no idea if you might even remotely relate or understand anything I've shared with you here? All I know is that there are answers waiting for you to discover as long as you continue to seek. You definately are on the right track as evident by the fact of your will and effort to submit your post. Continue to seek and choose genuine and caring people to surround yourself with, and don't you ever feel that there is anything wrong in taking your time with getting to know who you can and who you cannot trust.

Oh, and don't forget to forgive yourself if you ever find that you had made a mistake in opening yourself up to someone who turns out to have fooled and used you. That is where knowing you were careful and took the time to believe the interpersonal relationship you had was sincere is going to carry you and allow you to survive a heartbreaking dissappointment. That's integrity.. and in the end, and the bottom line is is that your integrity is all that matters and the foundation to your self esteem.

It does help to know that the person you had are or had once shared intimacy with did appreciate and respect you... Don't give assholes, or I guess I should be more clinical on here, don't give any anuses even a chance...

I wish you all the happiness and satisfaction that you can get in your future interpersonal relations, and may your sexual experiences all be positively both emotionally fulfilling and physically satisfying... I hope that comes true for me too...

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

I can’t answer your questions about why you do things because you know yourself better than anyone, and I suspect if you look deep enough, you’ll figure this out. Your questions about your attitudes are way too complex to be answered in a forum like this. I can, however, give you some ideas about areas to investigate.

You state that you feel you might be judged as “selfish.” I’m not sure what you mean by that. It sounds to me like you’re wary, conflicted, careful and perhaps a bit suspicious of anyone who wants to get close to you. Why do you suppose that is? If we grow up in environments where we can’t trust the person or people around us, sometimes we unconsciously repeat that pattern as adults. Or perhaps you’re worried that you’re not loveable and that if you let someone in, they’ll judge you as such? Another possibility is that you find both men and women attractive and have yet to accept this about yourself. Lastly, if you’ve been emotionally traumatized in the past, you may be frightened of letting someone get too close for fear of being hurt.

As I said, only you know the answers. If you’re truly unhappy with your current situation, you might benefit from exploring these issues with a counselor. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[toni135]

Sorry, I forgot to add the fact that I have been less aroused lately. I started masturbating at an early age and it got to the point that I'd do it everyday or twice a day even but lately I have only been doing it maybe once every two weeks as much as I wanna do it as it really helps me relax... anyway.. just wanted to add that as well.

Thanks again.