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male masturbation/sexual relationships
Hello,
My boyfriend and I just moved in together. I noticed that he masturbates 7-9 times per week. Pretty much every night and sometimes in the morning. We only have sex about 1 time a week and I’m starting to get worried that he’s addicted to masturbation. Is this a conversation I should have with him? I’m nervous that this is causing negative affects on our sex life. It’s a personal subject and I don’t want him to feel ashamed. . . what should I do?
My boyfriend and I just moved in together. I noticed that he masturbates 7-9 times per week. Pretty much every night and sometimes in the morning. We only have sex about 1 time a week and I’m starting to get worried that he’s addicted to masturbation. Is this a conversation I should have with him? I’m nervous that this is causing negative affects on our sex life. It’s a personal subject and I don’t want him to feel ashamed. . . what should I do?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi there.
Please stop worrying. There’s probably nothing wrong here.
People are always worried about “over-masturbation” or “masturbation addiction” because for so long, we didn’t have accurate information about self-pleasuring. You can't become "addicted" to self-pleasuring any more than you can become addicted to ice cream.
I have a question for you: how much is too much pizza? Or TV? My point is that there’s no such thing as too much self-pleasuring. There’s only what works best for each of us. Some people self-pleasure three times a day, three times a week, three times a month, never, etc. When it comes to sexuality, everyone is different, and there’s no such thing as “chronic,” “normal,” etc. We don’t use those terms to indicate someone who runs several miles a day, for instance, but because of our history of discomfort about sex, judgments abound.
So your boyfriend is like most people. Men AND women enjoy self-pleasuring as part of a variety of sexual expression. Even if you could have steak each night, that’s not to say you might not also enjoy pizza and a cheeseburger sometimes. Variety is the spice of life, no? It doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you. And the two of you are still having mutually enjoyable sexual experiences.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality. Sounds like your boyfriend is just fine, and it’s your attitude that’s the problem.
Which leads me to wondering if you’ve asked yourself where your discomfort and insecurity comes from? Are you generally insecure because you feel you might not be worthy of love? Or are there some unresolved issues in your relationship that are contributing to your sense that all is not right? It’s possible that your boyfriend is experiencing some difficulty adjusting to moving in together. Sometimes, people need to put some space between them in order to gradually adjust to this new form of intimacy. Or perhaps this is a regular, fulfilling part of his sexuality and has nothing to do with you.
There are also other possibilities, too numerous to discuss here such as he may be unable to allow himself to be turned on to you now that you're living together. Some men are stuck in that "madonna/*****" dynamic, in which when they're dating a woman, they can get turned on, but once she becomes like a wife, they desexualize her because "good girls" aren't sexual.
There’s only one way to find out: talk with him. You need reassurance that all is well. Snuggle up to your boyfriend, tell him you adore him, and that you’re happy he is who he is: a man in love with you. And in a non-confrontational manner, ask him if he’s still turned on to you and whether living together is in any way diminishing his sexual desire for you. He may not even realize that he’s developed a pattern since you moved in together. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Please stop worrying. There’s probably nothing wrong here.
People are always worried about “over-masturbation” or “masturbation addiction” because for so long, we didn’t have accurate information about self-pleasuring. You can't become "addicted" to self-pleasuring any more than you can become addicted to ice cream.
I have a question for you: how much is too much pizza? Or TV? My point is that there’s no such thing as too much self-pleasuring. There’s only what works best for each of us. Some people self-pleasure three times a day, three times a week, three times a month, never, etc. When it comes to sexuality, everyone is different, and there’s no such thing as “chronic,” “normal,” etc. We don’t use those terms to indicate someone who runs several miles a day, for instance, but because of our history of discomfort about sex, judgments abound.
So your boyfriend is like most people. Men AND women enjoy self-pleasuring as part of a variety of sexual expression. Even if you could have steak each night, that’s not to say you might not also enjoy pizza and a cheeseburger sometimes. Variety is the spice of life, no? It doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you. And the two of you are still having mutually enjoyable sexual experiences.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality. Sounds like your boyfriend is just fine, and it’s your attitude that’s the problem.
Which leads me to wondering if you’ve asked yourself where your discomfort and insecurity comes from? Are you generally insecure because you feel you might not be worthy of love? Or are there some unresolved issues in your relationship that are contributing to your sense that all is not right? It’s possible that your boyfriend is experiencing some difficulty adjusting to moving in together. Sometimes, people need to put some space between them in order to gradually adjust to this new form of intimacy. Or perhaps this is a regular, fulfilling part of his sexuality and has nothing to do with you.
There are also other possibilities, too numerous to discuss here such as he may be unable to allow himself to be turned on to you now that you're living together. Some men are stuck in that "madonna/*****" dynamic, in which when they're dating a woman, they can get turned on, but once she becomes like a wife, they desexualize her because "good girls" aren't sexual.
There’s only one way to find out: talk with him. You need reassurance that all is well. Snuggle up to your boyfriend, tell him you adore him, and that you’re happy he is who he is: a man in love with you. And in a non-confrontational manner, ask him if he’s still turned on to you and whether living together is in any way diminishing his sexual desire for you. He may not even realize that he’s developed a pattern since you moved in together. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Thank you Dr. J =)
How often do you initiate sexual contacts? What type of negative affects do you fear? How often did you have sex prior to moving in together? What type of affects do you fear?
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