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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
my husband cant get an errection
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
my husband cant get an errection
by chandap15, Sep 14, 2009 12:51PM
My husband is 24, when the words make love even are said he used to be able to get hard....all of a sudden he cant...even when we try...nothing is working, its aggrivating!!! any advice can help!!
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Sep 22, 2009 07:31PM
, Sep 22, 2009 07:31PMTo: chandap15
Hello.
I'm wondering why your husband isn't writing to me, rather than you. Perhaps it's not an issue for him? If so, have you wondered why that is?
The issue you bring up has so many possible contributing factors that I can't detail them all here. I can only give you some general ideas for the two of you to talk about together and explore. And without hearing directly from your husband, anything I say is mere conjecture.
Here's some general information: Once men reach their 20's, erections go up and down. Your husband will find this happening all his life. It doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy sex, but both of you have to let go of such a narrow definition of what constitutes "good sex" and be more flexible.
I suspect that once he didn't have an erection when the two of you expected it, he started feeling anxious and judging himself, which can be a vicious circle. The more he worries about erections, the more his penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! And, of course, if you put any pressure on him, you'll only make it worse.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that erections have to be a certain way. Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. He should ask himself whether he has any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in his subconscious. In addition, some men find that certain condoms limit sensation, and, of course, this can intensify with each experience, leading to more anxiety.
Marijuana generally does not have sexual side effects, but everyone reacts differently to regular intake. In some, it enhances sexual desire; however, others find it distracts them sexually and can interfere with erection and/or orgasm. Alcohol and nicotine can definitely interfere with his vascular system, which can also affect erections. If any of these are true for him, he might try refraining from smoking/drinking, etc. for a week and see if there’s any change.
Another possibility is that he's developed some medical condition that's interfering with erections. He can generally determine whether his nonresponsiveness is physically related by the following: as long as he's having erections as usual upon awakening, his body is working fine—it’s his heart/brain that’s getting in the way.
For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
It's important that he learn to relax, stop putting pressure on himself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. The two of you should learn to enjoy whatever happens—and don't get hung up on performances issues. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I'm wondering why your husband isn't writing to me, rather than you. Perhaps it's not an issue for him? If so, have you wondered why that is?
The issue you bring up has so many possible contributing factors that I can't detail them all here. I can only give you some general ideas for the two of you to talk about together and explore. And without hearing directly from your husband, anything I say is mere conjecture.
Here's some general information: Once men reach their 20's, erections go up and down. Your husband will find this happening all his life. It doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy sex, but both of you have to let go of such a narrow definition of what constitutes "good sex" and be more flexible.
I suspect that once he didn't have an erection when the two of you expected it, he started feeling anxious and judging himself, which can be a vicious circle. The more he worries about erections, the more his penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! And, of course, if you put any pressure on him, you'll only make it worse.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that erections have to be a certain way. Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. He should ask himself whether he has any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in his subconscious. In addition, some men find that certain condoms limit sensation, and, of course, this can intensify with each experience, leading to more anxiety.
Marijuana generally does not have sexual side effects, but everyone reacts differently to regular intake. In some, it enhances sexual desire; however, others find it distracts them sexually and can interfere with erection and/or orgasm. Alcohol and nicotine can definitely interfere with his vascular system, which can also affect erections. If any of these are true for him, he might try refraining from smoking/drinking, etc. for a week and see if there’s any change.
Another possibility is that he's developed some medical condition that's interfering with erections. He can generally determine whether his nonresponsiveness is physically related by the following: as long as he's having erections as usual upon awakening, his body is working fine—it’s his heart/brain that’s getting in the way.
For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
It's important that he learn to relax, stop putting pressure on himself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. The two of you should learn to enjoy whatever happens—and don't get hung up on performances issues. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
