my husband don't think about sex

[housewife in need]

i have been married for about three years almost.this is my first marriage and my husbands third.he works all the time.i know he is tired. we have seven children altogether.he has high blood pressure.he is nine years older than me.i am 27 and he is 37.i am a housewife and i think about sex all the time but my husband don't ever think about sex.if i don/t start it,we won't do it.i could walk around with no clothes on and still no thoughts or he could watch porn and nothing.he says he wants to and he finds me very sexy,but sex is just not in his mind and he wants to come to mw=e first and ready not me going to him.what should we do?/help us please,i feel like i am just not sexy enough sometimes,but i am tring to be understanding,it just hurts sometimes.it is usually the other way around,the man wants to and thewoman don't.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    first of all I have to ask- is your husband on medication for high blood pressure? If he is, some of the medications reduce sexual interest-- so you should find out about that and see if that is interferring and if there is any other kind of medication that might not interfer with his arousal quite so much ( or a lower dosage..)

  In any case, whether or not it is the medication that is dampening his sex drive, I really don't think you should take this personally. With that many children between you and intense working conditions-plus health issues- it is no wonder that either his fatigue, or stress, or distraction, or interaction with others, is undermining your sexual life together.

   However you are both young and I do think some special romantic times should be reserved-- have someone come in and take care of the kids ( brothers, sisters, parents?) just a couple times a month- but have at least some time you can call your own. Have a candlelit dinner ( even at home) put on some soft music, take a bath together- get sensual and affectionate and that alone should fulfill some of your needs. Give each other a short massage and be seductive and playful-- it should generate more sexuality between you.

   If nothing works, go see a couple's counselor who specializes in sexual therapy. There may be emotional or other dificulties that you , as a couple, need to deal with.  Some sexuality is necessary for bonding and bliss and emotional support for the tough times. Get your husband to think about this and work with you to have more sexuality in your life together-- hard as it may be to work out-- it really is important. Don't give up!

[relax100]

Try calling Sue Johanson on Talk Sex With Sue on the Oxygen Channel.  She usually has great advice here.

I suppose sexual attraction could wane over time but this sounds like an unusual situation.  Best of luck.

[JeffinNC]

Has he had his testosterone level checked? It is a simple blood test. He is at about the age that this could be the problem. I went through this for about 2 years and didn't have a clue why I no longer wanted sex. Thanks to threads like this one on the net, I went to see my doc and now all is well. My sex drive went right back to the way it was in my 20's and 30's. I'm 44 by the way, and like your husband, way too young to just give up on sex and just chalk it up to getting older. Hope this helps.

[NewWife07]

My husband and I have been married 3 months.  We waited until marriage to be intimate but after 3 months we have only been together 3 times and that was only after arguing.  One month after our wedding he was diagnosed with Diabetes and a few weeks later low testerone.  I am trying to be a good wife, be understanding and he does open up and talk about it some.  I don't see any urgency on his part to resolve this though and that I don't understand.  I'm so sad and it's starting to hurt our relationship and communication.  I so need to talk about this.

[JeffinNC]

I know it must be hard for you being a new bride and wondering what is the problem. I don't know what diabetes does to a mans sex drive, but I DO know that low testosterone takes away any desire for sex what so ever. You say he was diagnosed with low testosterone. Did the doctor put him on androgel or another medicine. I take androgel, which is just a packet of gel that I simply rub on my upper arms/shoulders every morning. FYI, you will not want to come in contact with his application area for at least 3 or 4 hours because there are side effects for you.

You didn't say how old your husband is. Has he had a normal sex life in the past? Just wondering. Please talk to him, have him ask questions to his doctor. Sometimes talking about a sexual problem even with a doctor can be very uncomfortable. Give him support. Hope this helps a little and best of luck.