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my idfidelity
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my idfidelity

As with many people here at medhelp who are worried about stds i am also concerned.After many years with my wife and 2 kids later I have cheated on my wife many times without her knowledge.And every day deal with the emotional cost over what i have done. The guilt eats at me everyday of my life. My wife should know as i hear, and the fear of her knowing will in turn ruin everyones lives. I am terrified. She will not understand,she will not forgive me,why should she. what a mess i create for myself.I swear to myself i wont do it again and when I do it I swear its the last time. Im sure The women on here will attack me ferociously.  I dont know why I do what I do. I feel i dont WANT to hurt my wife but yet i do it again and again.
The money I have spent testing and retesting is crazy my fears attack my soul and when im not afraid I do it again.
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    You need to see a therapist right away.  I am not going to yell at you- there is no help in that. But you are behaving self destructively and out of control. You are repeating behavior that will eventually get you caught and possibly break up your household. You are losing your own respect, and even though you must enjoy the sex outside your marriage, I think you have no idea about what this may cost you in the long run.

   You have demonstrated that you cannot control your behavior. That is perfectly clear. So you must get a third party, a counselor, therapist etc involved so that you can find the roots of your actions and get control of the impulse that sends you into these compromising situations. If you don't get involved with some therapist, there is nothing that will change and you will find yourself with grave problems.

    By the way, why in the world are you having extramarital sex without a condom? It seems like that not only puts you at risk, but will potentially hurt your wife- who is blameless in this matter. Are you angry at your wife? Do you want to hurt her? I understand your indulgence and temptation-- but not using condoms to me sounds overtly hostile.  You need to ask yourself why you would expose her to danger and perhaps a life threatening disease.  Of all the things you are doing, this strikes me as the one that is coldest and strangest. If you don't want to protect her- from the shock of finding out- and from disease- you must not love her.  All of these  things need to be dealt with as soon as possible. You are playing a high risk game and no one deserves to suffer from it. You need to clean up your act for yourself and everyone else in your life.
18 Comments
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Avatar_n_tn
one question -should I tell my wife first then go to therapy or therapy first then tell my wife
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Avatar_n_tn
I would first go to therapy and find a way to cope w/this situation.  I'm sure the therapist will help you find an appropriate way to address this situation w/your wife.  You may even be able to bring your wife in to the counseling session w/you when it comes time for you to be honest. But I would definately reccommend seeing the therapist first.  You may not have a mature enough handle on your feelings or your reactions to her feelings or her reactions.  It's good to have a "mediator" to help you through this.
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Avatar_f_tn
I would see a psych. first. You will feel so much better to go and get it all off your chest. It is completely confidential, so go in there, and just tell him/her everything.
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Avatar_f_tn

I agree with the other posters. It sounds like you could use therapy to assist you in dealing with your cheating, as well as the guilt & fear you are feeling right now as a result. Also, therapy will help prepare you for when you tell your wife the truth.
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Avatar_n_tn
Fear of losing my kids is what prevents me from telling her. And fear of feeling the way I feel for the rest of my life wants me to tell her. As a result I just go deeper into my secret life. I dont see how a spouse could ever REALLY forgive and without it being thrown in my face for the rest of our lives. Being honest with myself has been a long road. Not having anyone who knows me well and whom I trust 100 % is difficult. Admitting it all to a therapist shouldnt be hard`,they dont know me,dont care I would pay them to listen. It would be nice to have someone who knows me and understands me(other than my wife obviously) those friends are impossible to find! thank you for your words.
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Avatar_n_tn
I dont think your wife could take away your children just b/c of infidelities.  She may not be forgiving but I think you owe her that chance.  Afterall, she is your wife.  Good luck!
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Avatar_f_tn

Hi Chris,

I think if you don't tell your wife, then you will continue on feeling this way and that is self-destructing. If you also don't seek help, you may find yourself cheating again. You stated that you keep doing it and then making promises that it would never happen again, but it does. It would be good to find out why you are doing this not only to your family, but to yourself as well.

Work with the therapist and he/she will help you work through these issues and I think you should pat yourself on the back for taking the first initiative by posting here.


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Avatar_n_tn
Hello Chris,  I think its time to brave up and tell her before seeing a therapist, its only my opinion but I think you owe it to yourself and your wife to be honest starting today.  She will still be dealing with the same emotional issues of hurt, deceit and  betrayl etc regardless so what makes it any different for her hearing it before or after youve started therapy. Start as you mean to go on ... in truth. Its always the hardest road being honest but I believe its the only road particulary in your case.   The other posters have excellent points but I feel honesty is always the best policy.  Prepare yourself for the worst though Chris, you already understand that infidelity can be a marriage killer but it doesnt mean it has to be the end of your relationship with your children.   Something interesting you said was that you were terified of losing your children but you didnt say you were afraid of losing your wife.  I dont want to imply anything but if you are staying with your wife to maintain a relationship with the children you are not only hurting everyone but also denying yourself and your wife the happiness of a loving and honest realationship with someone else.  In this case you can seek legal advice to determine a plan of action to ensure your relationship with you children is secure.  I want to ask what causes you to cheat? (just my curiosity). Lastly if you do decide to do nothing else about this for whatever reason I strongly encourage you to be deligent in using protection against stds from now on.  Good luck Chris and remember "Nothing changes if nothing changes"  All the best.
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with the others that counselling could help you if you are ready to be honest with yourself and try to deal with your issues.
I think having an affair is a selfish thing to do when you are married. Plus you seem worried about yourself and the chance telling the truth could compromise your relationship with your kids and didn't say anything about her and her feelings and what this would do to her and your whole family. I can understand you feel bad, acting badly makes you feel badly. You are doing a selfish thing having an affair but maybe if you thought about HER feelings that might help you change.Te fact that you feel bad about it shows you know it is the wrong thing to do. Please get some help, eventually she will catch you if she doesnt suspect something already. I am not saying you should run and tell her,I think you should discuss what to do with a counselor firs t and how to approach this.
If you want to have relationships with multiple women, why be married?
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Avatar_n_tn
I am going to try my best to be nice on this one. Since you do feel bad, why do you do it? Do you love your wife? Or is it just because of our kids? I have been married for 12 years and I won't lie, i think of other men. I have a wonderful husband, but it's normal to look. Just don't touch. i don't know about telling your wife. Women are wird. She may forgive you but she will never forget. Remember that. There is nothing like the broken heart from cheating. You will lose her trust. She will always have it in her mind. Everything you do or say will make her think different. Are you a nympho? Is it the thrill of getting by? Is she not good in bed? If you keep it up you will get cought. You won't get by for ever. Why if your not happy don't you get a divorce? It's not fair to your wife. Buy dirty books or porn or something. Just think how your kids would feel if they found out. I can understand the thrill of it and the sadness after it's over. It's like a drug for you. Give more info on your relationship with your wife. I know others are telling you to tell your wife, but it depends on what kind of woman she is. Me, I would burn everything my hubby owns out in the yard and pay someone to break both his legs. So, he can't run away when i get the butcher knife to cut off his manhood. Did u cross your legs on that one? lol What kind of woman do you think your wife is? She may not have the temper I do.
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Chris, I don't really understand why you continuely cheat if you feel bad about it afterward?  I definitely think you need counseling first to understand why you keep feeling the need to go outside of your relationship for sexual gratification.  Also, you said that you keep getting tested for STD's, so does that mean that you are having unprotected sex with these numerous women?  If you are than you are putting the person who you supposedly love so much at risk.  How do you think your wife would feel if she contracted an STD because of you?  I hate to sound harsh but let's say you transmitted HIV and gave it to your wife...would that be fair to her or your children?  If you were to be honest with her about your infidelity she cannot take your children away.  You being unfaithful to your wife has nothing to do with you not being a good and caring father.  However, what you do will effect your family and overall your children's lives.  I think that you should seek counseling and if you feel that you should tell your wife than couples counseling afterward is your best bet.  You do have to be willing to start over and to never be unfaithful to this woman again.  Is that something that you are ready to do?
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you for all your words. I have always had protected sex.But that doesnt help the guilt. My concern over losing my kids is I know my wife will go nuts and do everything she can to make it difficult ,she will leave  I know this. She will tell the kids why she is leaving in detail. I do love my wife and we do have alot of problems. sadly the love i have for her is love. Not "in love" and maybe she feels the same. If it were not for the kids I would not be with her. sounds cruel but its the truth. leaving her with the kids 50% of the time sounds cruel too. losing the respect of my wife I can take. losing my kids respect I cannot.
To answer the question of why do i cheat. I wish I knew.  I am not a nympho.I never have had a deep emotional connection with my wife. Im not having affairs with other women im cheating with escorts. I assume thats more horrible.
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Avatar_n_tn
maybe this out of sorts but you both sound like divorce in pretty much meant to be. b;oth unhappy. going through the motions, cheating. what if you dont tell her you cheated, but ask for a divorce? the kids dont need to know daddy cheated. that is wrong to put that kind of blame on them. yes kids always blame themselves. so get your divorce, try to keep it "friendly" and never mention the cheating. this is just my opinion. i divorced once. it was a nightmare. my ex used lies and his hurt and anger to take my son from me for a short time. unfortunatly truth or lie, the one who files first or makes accusations first is the one heard till the trial. at least in cali. good luck with this. i dont agree with the poster that said tell her today. there is no pain like that of losing a person to cheating. get to a therapist suggest all that is possible and do what you feel is right.
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Avatar_m_tn
Of course your marriage has "problems" you are cheating!What do you expect? Cheating shows you are not doing your part to make the marriage work. How can you expect it to be a good marriage? You are doing everything in your power to destroy it. You say you don't know why you do it, but you must know. You do it because it feels good and you want it and you don't care how much it hurts your wife and kids because YOUR feelings matter more than theirs to you.  No wonder she is unhappy. Marriages that "work" work because BOTH people are committed to it. Clearly you are not committed to your marriage if you are running around having affairs. You want what you can get from your marriage but you don't take responsibility for what you DO NOT put into it. Your poor wife, no matter how hard she tries she can't make a marriage work by herself with a cheating, lying husband. She is your wife and the Mother of your children and she deserves better.
My son would say it like this : you need to man up.
Either stay married and be a decent, giving husband or be single and date multiple women. You can't have both without it hurting those you claim you love.
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Avatar_n_tn
I just found out that my boyfriend has used escort in the past before we met.  It's really not about the sex for him, he claims, but it's about the need for validation.  He's very insecure and has a low self-esteem.  Unfortunately, he's not given up his escort habit.  I had a gut feeling that something was going on, so I checked his email send items.  He's had an email to an escort service where he was re-signing up for his service and he even has schedule an appointment.  I am shocked and very hurt.  I called him on this and he claims he canceled the appointment because his conscious was getting the better of him.  He said he made the appointment because he needed to "talk".  I'm no fool....I know that's NOT what goes on.  I'm angry with him, I'm hurt, my self-esteem (which is usually pretty good) is very low, I am dreaming about dying....things are not good.  I can't show this to him because he gets extremely upset and just wants to give up on the relationship.  I think he needs help ASAP.  He says he's going to go to a therapist, but every time he tries to make an appointment, work or something gets in the way.  He's got lots of issues...should I stick this out and see if therapy will help get him under control or run FAST.  I'm 27, smart, have a good job, attractive and really don't need to settle.  I know you will ask why is she with him?  He can be sweet, caring and adventurous.  We have a lot in common when it comes to hobbies and we're attracted to each other.  I will absolutely not put up with this though....an escort is so disgusting.  If anyone has some advice or thoughts, I'd appreciate it.  I'm seeing a therapist to discuss my boyfriend's issues and how I handle it, but, so far, I really don't feel like it's helped.
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Avatar_n_tn
I just want to say that i would be careful if i were you!!
All you can do is try to help him. But you cannot help anyone if they DO NOT want the help. He CAN make the appointments and keep them if he really wants to. Work or no work...he seriously NEED help. He sounds like he's in denial. Having/wanting to pay for sexual gratification is not a normal thing. This may be something that has been ongoing for quite some time and you may only be finding out about it now. He really does need to go and see a therapist. And it's also good that you are going. This does and will affect you. This is HIS problem and you need to know tht no matter what you do or did, It's not your fault. YOU had/have nothing to do with it. You aren't the cause of it. There may be more to this then what you know. He could possibly have an adiction (addiction) problem. Try to approach him in a loving and concerned way. (THIS is very hard I know) Make sure you do not freak out on him. Maybe he is saying that he wants to end the relationship because of the SHAME and GUILT that he's feeling. He probably doesn't even love himself right now and therefore doesn't understand why you would be with him. He probably doesn't feel comfortable with telling you the truth because he knows it will hurt and devastate you.  Tell him that you both CAN and WILL get through this together! That you will help him as long as HE gets help.
I'm so sorry to hear that you came across this, but it's a good thing that you did find out now.
I pray that the both of you go therapy and get the help tht you need.
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Avatar_n_tn
Chris,do you have an underlying addiction such as alcoholism that fuels you to do this? meaning you are drunk when you do these things? It's not an excuse but alot of people do things they regret when drinking.
Or...you are as you said,simply not in love with her anymore,which is very common.You love her as a companion and mother of your kids,but not in a sexual way anymore?that is the case then you should just come clean with her.Who knows? Chances are maybe she's not in love with you either anymore. People grow apart,and unless you put in the work that's involved to keep it together then it will fall apart.
I will not yell at you,but instaed of going to pros (which is all an escort is) you could have tried spicing it up with her first.
All relationships become somewhat boring exspecially after kids. There is no spontenaity.
Having said that...just staying in a marriage just for kids seldom ever works. If you are really not in love and unhappy,then get out. Give her the chance to find happiness somewhere else too. The children will get over it in time.
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