no orgasm

[jenjen07]

i can only have orgasms during oral........ive been close twice during sex but it just doesnt happen......its not that the sex isnt great because it is.......but still no dice..........when and how can i make this happen

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Dear jenjen:

The clitoris’ nature and structure has been misunderstood for so long that it’s not surprising that there’s so much confusion!

A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!

While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. So how about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then you—or vice-versa?

Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. You state that your sex life together is great. So don't feel like you HAVE to have a p-v orgasm. That's a sure-fire way to turn sex into a chore. Most important is the fact that the two of you are happy.

If you want to experiment with positions, here are some which can maximize clitoral stimulation:

• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
  Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.

For maximum clitoral stimulation, your partner should NOT go in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside you while letting you do the moving around him.

One last important point: Lack of lubrication can irritate your delicate skin, so be sure you’re wet. There are lots of good lubes available, so check them out. You want one that has no alcohol or perfume (alcohol irritates those delicate membranes). Have fun! Dr. J

[jml1986]

The majority of women will only reach orgasm by clitorial stimulation. Thus the reason why oral sex does it to you. My suggestion would be to add clitorial stimulation with penetration and that should do the trick.

[goldenlady1976]

I had that problem once and I started getting on top of my husband. He would put his legs up while I held his shoulders from the back.  With his legs up while I am on top of him and holding his shoulders I had full control and a great orgasm.   Now you may have to picture this.  You are on top, his legs are up resting on your shoulders and you are holding his shoulders(your hands are under his back).  He won't be able to keep them up there long, but it won't take you long....

[jessegirl]

OK, I'm confused.  By reading the replies on this post it sounds like a clitoral orgasm is the only one out there.  If it is, then I must say, it's good, but nothing like I keep hearing my friends talk about a (what we call) a vaginal orgasm (the G-spot thing). No fireworks here!  This is why I read this post, I,too, am not very orgasmic.  It's very frustrating to my husband.  When I am able to do it, I have to wait til he is done, or have him stop during so his pelivic bone can put direct pressure on my clitoris.  This in itself makes me feel inadequate. It lasts all of two seconds and I don't feel any "relief/release".  I even got one of those G-spot vibrators about 10 years ago and we tried that to no avail.  To me, sex feels like work (enjoyable work, yes, but stilll...).
And to jenjen07, you're just starting out in this "game", try being 40 and still nothing! lol  To GoldenLady, can't even get a visual on that one! lol
Ahhh, maybe someday.....

[Ookami11]

Jenjen-
I've found its almost impossible for me to orgasm without me stimulating my clitoris unless I am on top. I prefer the typical straddling his hips and putting my hands just above his shoulders. That way he has easy access to suck/nip/play with my breasts or what have you. Also in that position because the I am on top I control the in/out motion. I've found that rocking my hips feels much better than up and down. Try rolling your hips forward and up it provides clitoral stimulation and the penetration that could work for you.

Jessegirl-
Not all women are capable of having g-spot orgasms. I for one cant reach orgasm without any clitoral stimulation. Kind of odd advice but honestly masturbate, try to find the type of clitoral stimulation that works and combine that with sex and hopefully that'll help.

[Dr_K]

In reply to "Not all women are capable of having g-spot orgasms".  I don't agree.  Not all women are currently having them, but I firmly believe ALL are capable.  A vaginal, or g-spot orgasm is quite different, and involves relaxation rather than tensing.  It usually requires a slower buildup, and a deeper level of trust and communication with the partner.  It can last for a long period of time.  Ten or twenty minutes even. The result is often a feeling of deeper vulnerability afterwards.  So, many women don't get there for a number of reasons.  Another related topic is that even men are capable of that kind of relaxing total body orgasm, and can even do it without ejaculating.  But that requires some training, and is currently not common in our culture.

As for clitoral orgasms with intercourse, many of the couples I have worked with found the most efficient way to get there is to simply use a finger or two on the clit while having intercourse.  Either partners finger will do, your choice.

I agree with the advice on masturbation - it's important for you to know how your own sexual response works if you want to maximize it's responsiveness with a partner.