Aa
sex addiction??
I have a very unusual question. I have gotten close to a young man who is not my son who is 18. He has unlayered himself to me piece by piece, letting me know that he has quite a sexual past, starting out at the age of 13-14. He has now just revealed to me that he had been having sex(not intercourse but everything else) with his cousin starting out at 5 yrs old and she at 4 years old. They started out experimenting and it progressed until they were 11 to 12 yrs old going to oral and they tried to figure out how things worked. When he was 15 and she 14, he spent a week at her house and he took her virginity and spent the days and nights in bed with her going out occasionally for a walk or to the movies so the adults didn't get suspicious(where the parents were all those years I do not know). They also tried to have a baby. He has been having sex with multiply girls since then and it seems his self confidence is almost wrapped up in getting a girl to like him by taking her to bed because he is "so good" at it. There is much more than just this going on, but I feel the behaviors he is displaying now stems back to this time in his childhood on up. My question is what happens to this young man as he goes into his adult years? He doesn't think he needs any help and feels he has it under control, but every girl he sees that is "hot' he talks about what he could do with her and how he can "get" just about any girl. Is he a sex addict? And what will it take for him to see he needs help?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I'm glad you asked this question because it gives me a chance to clear up some misconceptions.
I’m sure you mean well, but you’re making a lot of judgments for which there is no support. You’ve decided that this guy needs help. Has he asked for it? Does he see his behavior as problematic?
We all use sex for different things—including as a way to avoid dealing with our very real problems. The American Psychiatric Association does not recognize “sex addiction” because there’s never been any data to support the existence of this alleged “disease.” Of course, there are people who engage in compulsive behavior, whether it’s washing their hands constantly or having sex. This is usually the result of some other psychiatric condition such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, etc. If your guy feels he’s suffering from a compulsion that’s getting in the way of his life, then he should see a qualified therapist who can help him.
However, it sounds to me like he’s merely using sex the same way many men his age do: to reinforce his self-esteem and sense of personal power. And many young women his age also use sex for non-sexual reasons (to get love, to feel attractive, etc.). Men who use sex in this way often don’t develop an ability to enjoy sex for what it is: mutual pleasure. They see it as competition, etc. Of course this can contribute to some unhappy situations later in life. I’ve interviewed countless 18-year-old men who have this attitude, and the key for them developing into mature, caring people seems to be threefold: education, talking realistically to women about their feelings and just growing up in general. There’s no way of telling whether he’ll mature and gradually change his behavior as he gets older. You can certainly provide a role model by listening to him without judging, providing some positive reinforcement and perhaps referring him to a helpful book about male sexuality. I always recommend “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. And, of course, if he has any questions, he’s welcome to post them here. Dr. J
I’m sure you mean well, but you’re making a lot of judgments for which there is no support. You’ve decided that this guy needs help. Has he asked for it? Does he see his behavior as problematic?
We all use sex for different things—including as a way to avoid dealing with our very real problems. The American Psychiatric Association does not recognize “sex addiction” because there’s never been any data to support the existence of this alleged “disease.” Of course, there are people who engage in compulsive behavior, whether it’s washing their hands constantly or having sex. This is usually the result of some other psychiatric condition such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, etc. If your guy feels he’s suffering from a compulsion that’s getting in the way of his life, then he should see a qualified therapist who can help him.
However, it sounds to me like he’s merely using sex the same way many men his age do: to reinforce his self-esteem and sense of personal power. And many young women his age also use sex for non-sexual reasons (to get love, to feel attractive, etc.). Men who use sex in this way often don’t develop an ability to enjoy sex for what it is: mutual pleasure. They see it as competition, etc. Of course this can contribute to some unhappy situations later in life. I’ve interviewed countless 18-year-old men who have this attitude, and the key for them developing into mature, caring people seems to be threefold: education, talking realistically to women about their feelings and just growing up in general. There’s no way of telling whether he’ll mature and gradually change his behavior as he gets older. You can certainly provide a role model by listening to him without judging, providing some positive reinforcement and perhaps referring him to a helpful book about male sexuality. I always recommend “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. And, of course, if he has any questions, he’s welcome to post them here. Dr. J
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Having sex with his cousin at an early age may or may not be a sign of something amiss. That's for him to figure out with a therapist.
If you're worried about your daughter, check with her about her decision-making skills, self-esteem, sexual knowledge, etc. Young girls don't make poor decisions in a vacuum. And here's a website for both of you: www.scarleteen.com. Full of accurate, helpful information for teens and sex and decision-making. Best of luck. Dr. J
If you're worried about your daughter, check with her about her decision-making skills, self-esteem, sexual knowledge, etc. Young girls don't make poor decisions in a vacuum. And here's a website for both of you: www.scarleteen.com. Full of accurate, helpful information for teens and sex and decision-making. Best of luck. Dr. J
But having sex with his cousin at such an early age doesn't raise any flags for his future? I can see the typical 18 yr old part with the self esteem and the sense of personal power being a typical part of that time of development. He is interested in my daughter and I am very afraid that he will get her into bed first and bypass all the relationship/companionship/getting to know and love each other first. I am trying to lead him to the latter part of the relationship first and the sex part if the first is established and successful and of course I don't want him to take my daughter just to take her-she is younger by a few years and fairly innocent. He is as experienced as she is not!! Thank you for the feedback-it has been been hard to hear all the things he has done which is much more than I described here. I will get the book!!
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