This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Dr Epps, I had a hysterctomy in 2000. Around 2005 I think, maybe 2007 I have lost the desire for sex.My clitoris used to get hard when stimulated and now nothing. This has caused a serious problem in my relationship. Is there anything that will help this problem? I need help please!!!!
I don't know your medical history or your age, but it's certainly possible that there's some physiological contributing factors to your loss of desire. I would advise you to see your gynecologist to check your hormone levels.
In addition, here's some general information that may be of help to you. Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. Has it occurred to you that you may have some issues with your relationship? Perhaps you’re bored, but don’t know how to express yourself, or you’re holding back for fear of hurting your partner’s feelings (fairly common among women).
Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re just not interested in sex with your current partner. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, you’re no longer turned on to your partner. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire. In addition, negative self-image or body image can also turn you off. How are you feeling about your physical appearance? Do you feel OK about aging? Some women feel they're no longer attractive once they pass 40--or once they have a hysterectomy and can no longer reproduce.
Are you an anxious person? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex?
Other reasons you might not be turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your partner's attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about your partner's pleasure rather than yours? Or do you feel that sex is about satisfying your partner rather than yourself? Lastly, for many women, lack of trust can negatively impact desire. If a past or current partner has violated your trust, you may have pulled away from this person because you feel vulnerable.
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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