sexual frustration with my boyfriend

[mandita]

My boyfriend and I have been together since March 2010.  In the beginning, our sex life was great; we would make love more than once a day, and he was very sexual with me.  I understand that this is normal in the begininng, but one thing that always concerned me is something that has gotten worse.  He takes forever to ejaculate, and sometimes doesn't ejaculate at all.  At first, I didn;t get too worried, he told me that he has always had this issue, and doesn't have to ejaculate to have an orgasm.  But now, it kind of makes me feel like I'm not doing things right.  Don't get me wrong, he always makes sure I have an orgasm, and I have expressed to him that I want to make sure he gets just as much pleasure from sex as I do.  He does ejaculate once in a while, but it is becoming more rare.  We have tried different positions, oral sex, and other foreplay, and sometimes these work and sometimes they don't.  For example, he woke me up at 5:00 am, ready to go (this is normal for us), and after I had my orgasm he went soft and was done. I asked him if he felt ok, he said yes, and he enjoyed himself.  We kissed and cuddled, and we then went back to sleep.  Also, he doesn't really like to be on top, usually I'm on top or we're in a scissor type position.  Sometimes I think he's a little lazy lol!  Anyway, I don't want to pressure him too much about it, as I know this can be a sensitive subject.  I'm just worried about him.  What do you suggest?  I am a very sexual person, and he's good with 2-3 times a week, I'm adventerous, he's a little more reserved.  I just want him to be pleasured as much as he pleasures me.  Thanks for your time!

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

Your question is quite complex and can't be answered within the confines of a brief reply, but I'll try to cover the highlights.

No one can read minds, so I have no idea what's going on with him. Again, the only way to find out is to ask.

He may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored, frustrated, stressed, etc. Most of these don't affect sex early in a relationship when one is hyper-excited. Sometimes, the routine of being together can affect a person's ability to get turned on.

It's NEVER a good idea to avoid communicating about something as important as sex. Provided you don't attack him or accuse him, you should be able to have an intelligent, mature conversation about this--just as you would about any subject. The way to approach it is to reassure him that you love him and enjoy sex with him and are worried that he's not enjoying it as much as you and that you want to talk about how the TWO of you can make it even better for both of you. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[mandita]

This may be a silly question, but would he initiate sex if he wasn't interested?  He says he is turned on by me, and he finds me desirable, but he likes to close his eyes because it increases the sensation for him.  

[mandita]

Thanks for your response ken121.  I have tried oral and many other things.  He just seems to give up sometimes, I'm guessing because it takes him longer to get to that point.  Maybe his mind is elsewhere, I never thought about that.  He does close his eyes sometimes, and I asked him why he does that, and he says it's because it helps him feel more.