This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Hi, i am having issue in doing sex with my wife. As i feel myself that while even before starting intercourse penis doesnot remain hard and cannot do anything at that time. i am 38 years old and smoke as well. please let me know so i can rectify this issue as soon as possible. Thanks
Welcome to your late 30’s! When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. As you age, you’ll find that you need more direct touch and stimulation. This is just part of life and doesn’t indicate any underlying condition to worry about.
Also as part of the aging process, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. Again, this is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life. Sexual interest ebbs and flows as well, depending on other circumstances in your life. Also realize the more stress you’re under, the less energy your body has to respond sexually, so stop worrying!
As far as physical conditions, smoking can definitely affect your blood pressure, and low or high blood pressure can definitely inhibit erections. This forum is concerned solely with psychological and emotional conditions related to erection concerns. However, if you suspect that you have a physiological issue that is affecting erections, see a urologist for an exam and testing to determine what's going on.
There’s a good way to determine whether there’s something physiological affecting your erections and that’s whether you get them at times other than during partner sex, such as upon awakening and during self-pleasuring. If your erections at these times haven’t changed, what does that tell you? That something about being sexual with a partner is problematic for you. I bet if you think for awhile, you might be able to identify just what that is. Here are some possibilities: Much of your problem may be due to your attitude. Once your penis didn't act as you expected, you probably started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. By being so goal-oriented, some men never get to feel the simple pleasures of touch, of kissing, of soft skin on skin. And, of course, if you can allow yourself to let go of goals and just enjoy, guess what? That erection will come right back. So don’t focus so much on penis-vagina (p-v) sex as the “end-all, be-all” of sex, but rather just let yourself relax and enjoy whatever occurs. And don’t have p-v sex until you’re ready.
The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.
There are many other reasons why you may be inhibited with your partner. This could be due to anxiety—either about sex in general, or about some aspect of your relationship. Perhaps the intimacy of sex is making you uncomfortable? Why would that be? What does it represent to you—and to your partner? These are questions to ask yourself. Or it might just be that some aspect of partner sex creates anxiety
Or perhaps you’re not receiving enough stimulation during partner sex, or you might be starting sex before you’re turned on enough. In addition, some men find that certain condoms limit sensation, and, of course, this can intensify with each experience, leading to more anxiety. I’m also wondering how aroused you are by your partner. You could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying.
To sum up: Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis very uncooperative. And remember you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself. For more information about this and other men’s issues, I recommend the book, “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available both used and in paperback. The information in this book has helped millions of men overcome discomfort and anxiety about sex. Good luck to you. Dr. J
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