This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
why does my fiance only want to have sex when he wants to?
when ever im in the mood .i ask him babe do you want to fool around. he says not right now, or im tired, i dont want to. so then i ask him can we make love tonight? when the time comes he tells me he is to tired or he is not in the mood ect... it just seems like we do it when ever he wants to. he does surprise and i love that. but i would like to make love when ever we are both in the mood instead of just him. but when ever i bring the sex Q up it starts a fight every time. so when ever he likes to surprise me i take full advantage since thats the only time we can have sex. O by the way when i want to he says we can, BUT i have to be on top cause he is to tired. please someone help. whats going on in my sex life? also he is 25 and i am 21
I wish I had a dollar for each time someone writes: “WHY does my partner do this?” The simple fact is, how would anyone know without asking him? All I can do is speculate about possibilities. The only way to find out for sure is to ASK him.
First, the physical aspects: depression, prescription drugs and large amounts of recreational drugs may contribute to a lessening of both energy and desire.
Second: past traumas can also hold people back from expressing their sexuality.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. There may be other issues in his life that are contributing. Is he content with himself, with his life, with his relationship? Are there any family or work crises?
Is he anxious? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If he feels anxious or unsure of himself, his desire will be affected. Or he may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in his life. Or he may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons he may have for avoiding sex? One clue is that even when the two of you are sexual, it sounds like he wants to get it over with. This could indicate he has some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of your relationship. Or he may be tired from work, or from seeing someone else, etc.
There could be other reasons he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.
So, to recap: he may have some unresolved attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated.
It’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. You can sit down with him and talk about this, in a nonconfrontational way, or you can see a counselor who can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. . Good luck to you. Dr. J
I happened to be browsing this forum and felt compelled to make a response to your dilemma. What you are describing seems very unusual...when a situation like this occurs in a relationship, and things seem rather one-sided, it creates sexual tension. You may be feeling frustrated and restless, and being a man I understand that we can be difficult to put up with at times. Ask yourself these questions: How long have you two been together? How many times per week do you have intercourse? Has your fiancé always acted this way from the beginning, or have you noticed a change in his behavior gradually? What does he do for a living? Approximately how many hours per day is he away from the house? Take these variables into consideration and hopefully you can draw answers from it. If all else fails, you should have a discussion during his leisure time about how you feel. If he cares about you enough, he will listen and consider your needs. There are some things that just don't add up however. I mean, a 25 year old that is too tired to have sex? Highly unlikely by today's standards...
By the way I am not an expert, I am just another person like yourself who seeks to help others find the answers they need. Wishing you well...
I understand if he was tired because of having a hard labor and stressful job but if that's not the case then I hate to break it to u but he can be Cheating on u by sleeping with someone else. We guys cannot fake an orgasm, therefore if we had good sex on one day it is very hard to have another orgasm within few hours because our reproductive organs needs to relax a good while before it's go time again. I could be wrong, and let's say hopefully I am, but the fact that he rather start a fight then to have sex tells me a very good sign that he's hiding the fact that he's sleeping around. And whenever he's not sleeping around he tends to surprise u and get laid.
hmm, reading from both the answers,either one of them could be correct, but to give you first hand experience, i'll share a moment with you..my ex wife would want to make love almost every other day during the week...it came to a point where i would actually get ticked off and say i am too tired or make up an excuse...the reason behind me saying this was that it was only when she would want it we'd do it, when it would come to me, it would be a totally different story...also what put me off was that there was never really any heart being put into that period of intimacy...despite conveying my feelings to her, it was just brushed under the mat...(and no i didn't divorce because my ex wife wanted too much sex...)
the point is...that i became frustrated that the significant other half didn't careless about my feelings and how i felt, and to make love every other day made the whole concept of love making boring...your fiancee maybe sleeping around with other(s) or it could really and truly be down to him being stressed from work, and perhaps all he wants is a nice cosy night in with yourself...
perhaps try changing your approach...instead of saying huni, let's mess around, try not a saying anything at all and let it all just happen naturally..you will be suprised what difference a little bit of attention can do.
i hope this lil story helps you in the right direction
I agree with tripiartis second last pargagraph - instead of asking him verbally 'can we fool around' or 'can we make love tonight', show him what you'd like to do instead...... why don't you snuggle up to him and start kiss his neck, or just crawl into his lap and take it from there. If he still dosent want to he may say 'sorry honey, I dont feel like it' and thats that - but its more likely to create interest if your touching him and it will help set the mood and maybe it can happen naturally from there.
To ask him is quite formal, not exactly sexy.
Also - if he ALWAYS wants you to be on top - thats a bit selfish really. I mean, it's a fantastic position but not for EVERY time. Its like hes saying to you ' fine, you can have sex with me as long as you do all the work - i'll just lie here!!' Tell him you'd like variety in different positions. Thats not asking for too much. If hes tired you can do the 'sitting' position - he sits, you sit on him straddling his lap facing him (or facing away is also good!)
One last thought - has he started any medication lately? Some meds (antidepressants for eg) zap libido for some people.
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.