Aa
why doesnt he have any sexual urge
ok i will be 30 this feb my boyfriend is 36, we have been dating for 4 months now, problem is its like we have been married for 4 YEARS...he never wants to have sex...he talks about it and makes little remarks but when its time to get it on he is too tired or lets do it in the morning...today inthe middle of the day I was spontaneous and horny and he would rather go christmas shopping while I am standing there in my robe telling him lets go...UGGHHH I am soooo sexually fustrated its not even funny....the other night during sex we were into it probably 3-5 minutes and he came and couldnt control it, it was over just like that I was PISSED...I may sound selfish but I think its a very important thing in a relationship and if he doesnt have any urges to have sex this soon, this isnt someone I want to spend the rest of life with right?? please help me out....he is on zoloft, when he takes it and he does smoke pot also...not much of a drinker he is subscribed to xanax, not sure how often he takes that...I know hes dealing with depression and some major traumatic expereince happened when he was 20...that may result in his problems now(care not to share those openly) I can if this isnt public displayed...thanks again!
You are wise to ask the question. Ideally you would find a match in someone with a drive that is close to yours. That's no guarantee health problems won't change things down the road, but if you are already mismatched in this area this soon, it doesn't bode well for the future. If you like everything else about him and he is willing to try counseling, then you might learn whether it is a correctable problem.
I married somebody with a lower drive, assuming all guys were more or less the same and he would come out of his shell after we were married. Wrong. It's a real turn off to be in a mismatch. Somebody is always feeling like a freak when you're not; you're just mismatched.
I married somebody with a lower drive, assuming all guys were more or less the same and he would come out of his shell after we were married. Wrong. It's a real turn off to be in a mismatch. Somebody is always feeling like a freak when you're not; you're just mismatched.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I wish I had a dollar for each time someone writes: “WHY does my partner do this?” The simple fact is, how would anyone know without asking him? All I can do is speculate about possibilities. The only way to find out for sure is to ASK him.
First, the physical aspects: depression, prescription drugs and large amounts of marijuana may contribute to a lessening of both energy and desire.
Second: past traumas can also hold people back from expressing their sexuality.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. There may be other issues in his life that are contributing. Is he content with himself, with his life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises?
Is he anxious? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If he feels anxious or unsure of himself, his desire will be affected. Or he may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in his life. Or he may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons he may have for avoiding sex? One clue is that even when the two of you are sexual, it sounds like he wants to get it over with. This could indicate he has some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of the relationship.
There could be other reasons he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.
So, to recap: he may have some unresolved attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated.
It’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Definitely get this issue resolved before you consider spending your life together. Good luck to you. Dr. J
First, the physical aspects: depression, prescription drugs and large amounts of marijuana may contribute to a lessening of both energy and desire.
Second: past traumas can also hold people back from expressing their sexuality.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. There may be other issues in his life that are contributing. Is he content with himself, with his life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises?
Is he anxious? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If he feels anxious or unsure of himself, his desire will be affected. Or he may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in his life. Or he may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons he may have for avoiding sex? One clue is that even when the two of you are sexual, it sounds like he wants to get it over with. This could indicate he has some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of the relationship.
There could be other reasons he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.
So, to recap: he may have some unresolved attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated.
It’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Definitely get this issue resolved before you consider spending your life together. Good luck to you. Dr. J
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