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why is an orgasm so difficult for me
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why is an orgasm so difficult for me

I can always get an orgasm when I am alone using clitorial stimulation. When I am with a man I can not hardly ever get an orgasm. I can count how many! Does it have something to do with my tilted uterus?
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Hi.

You’re the third woman this week to express the exact same concern. I keep saying that if I had a dollar for every time I hear from women who expect to have orgasms from penis-vagina sex (p-v) alone, I’d be rich! (I’m assuming that’s what you mean when you refer to being “with a man”). Please know that there’s nothing the matter with you other than you expect to respond exactly like your partner thinks you should respond; that is, to have an orgasm simply through p-v.

It’s not surprising that p-v alone isn’t getting you off. In women, the clitoris must be stimulated—either directly or indirectly—in order for orgasm to happen. The vagina, all by itself, is not all that rich with sensory nerve endings. In fact, only the first couple inches of are very sensitive, and they tend to be more responsive to direct stimulation rather than the more general stimulus p-v usually provides. For sure, plenty of women enjoy p-v immensely. From a physical perspective, that feeling of fullness can be nice, and can also provide some stimulation of the clitoris’ internal structure. Some sexual positions -- like women being on top, for instance -- can also provide more direct clitoral stimulation.

A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (glands) (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!

While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris.

Some p-v positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation are:

• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
• Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.

Try some of these with your partner and find out which ones feel best for you. Remember that there’s not one “right” way to be sexual; everyone is different, and it’s up to you to find out which ones turn you on.

You asked about your uterus. The uterus itself is only peripherally involved in orgasm. When you’re not aroused, the cervix (the mouth of the uterus) hangs down into the farthest end of the vagina; however, during sexual arousal, it elevates and gets out of the way; otherwise, it can be uncomfortable (like menstrual cramping). If you’re feeling any pain, it could be due to this. So be sure you’re very turned on before engaging in any sort of insertive sex. If your uterus is severely tilted, the cervix will protrude even further into the vagina, making it even MORE important that you don’t engage in p-v sex unless you’re extremely turned on and lubricated.

Since you already know how to give yourself an orgasm, you’re ahead of the game. Now you can begin to share your most effective techniques with your partner—even more fun! What could be better than experimenting and exploring one another and telling each other what you like? Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. Good luck! Dr. J
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