This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
does anyone have this problem? If I do not initiate sex, I will get nothing. And even with that I am lucky to have sx about 1 time a week. When we have sex, her toes curl so I know I am doing it right so I don't understand. She won't flirt, no nooners, nothing exciting. I am a little overweight so I wonder if that is it. Sometimes I feel I just need to find it other places to give myself some excitment....
I think most women like their man to do most of the initiating-- but this seems far beyond that simple fact. She may be bored, angry, distracted by other aspects of life, etc... hard to tell from this letter of yours which of these might be the case.
I would first take a look at the overall relationship. How happy are the two of you in other areas of the relationship? If it's not really happy talking about every day life, it's not going to be jazzy in bed either.
If that's good, how about a talk about technique ( see some of the remarks above!) Does she like what you are doing--really?? Curled toes may mean she's excited-- or maybe frustrated... you need to talk honestly about what you could do that might please her more..
Whatever you do- think many times about going outside the relationship. If you do, it probably means a downward spiral for relationship longevity-- and that may not be the outcome you want or need. Go to a counselor if you can't figure this one out together. Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.
I have been married for 18 years. In the entire 18 years I can remember my wife initiating ONCE. It has always bothered me. I've talked about it so many times with my wife, to no avail. I just don't discuss it any more. In the end, its obvious to me my wife does not feel anything for me (contrary to her words). In my world, actions speak much louder than words. I've decided any more to not ever initiate sex. I've done it for 18 years. If she is interested, its up to her.
In reality, if it were not for our children I would leave. I never asked to be a celibate monk. My wife tells me I'm a good husband, but I no longer believe it. It has been so hard...and depressing. It takes away all your manhood.
I hope you find better sailing. But no, you are definitely not alone. Its my belief many, many men and women have this issue these days. Identifies, roles, and unrealistic expectations and pressures have led to many lonely, unfulfilled people. You are the lucky one if you found a trully compatible person.
I know you may not want to reveal this info, but have you gone elsewhere to fullfill the sex part? I would be awesome with this marriage if she would just show me that I an the man everyonce in a while.
Guys, I've had the same problem, married for 14 years and never any reciprocal initiation by the wife - maybe once a year. Anyways I've just learned something about my partner, I think could be true for your wives as well. It's not that my wife doesn't find me attractive, it's that she doesn't feel the same degree of sex drive as I do. She doesn't ever just think "I want it" the way men do. Her desire comes of a closeness, a good feeling between the two of us. When we're having a good time, and she's happy she'll get relaxed, and yeah, excited when I make advances. She's just built different, and from what I've gathered alot of women are. It doesn't mean they don't desire us and we're no desirable. It means they need different things to get turned on. So, guys, say nice things to your wife, compliment her. tell her how lucky you are to be married to her, tell her she's sexy and desireable. Wash dishes, vaccuum, take out the trash without her asking. Then when you ask her for sex see if that helps. Can't hurt. It's helped me loads. Nothing to be bummed out about. It's just the way some women are and we can accept it and make the best of it or.....what's the other option?
SkipNBeat is completely right and this is coming from a woman just like your wives. It has nothing to do with not loving or not being sexually excited by the man you are with. Everyday life gets in the way. Closeness always helps though. Relate more to your women on another level and that may draw them in.
Also, another thought, some women are just brought up to be pursued and never the opposite. I have a friend who finds it unacceptable to initiate sex even with her husband of 13 years.
Good luck and if you figure out another way send a note to my husband..:))
Thank you for your post. I think I'm married to the exact same type of woman as you are. We've been married for almost 11 years, and I can count on one hand the number of times she's initiated sex. but boy when she does, it's one for the books. I took it as an afront to my manhood, my desirability. I felt unwanted.
I like to flirt, tease, and build on sexual energy. My approach is lost on her. Her getting in the mood has more to do with what you said your wife requires. Whereas I am always in the mood, she is not. We both work full time, have three kids, and she is often tired. She tells me she can get in the mood if I just go about it the right way. Pouting and acting grumpy that I'm not having sex will never get her in the mood. it might get me sex, but I realize I'm just guilting her into it. Whereas I enjoy sex with her as a means to be closer, more connected, the manner in which I have been going about enjoying that connection has been caveman like.
She complains that I seem to lack motivation when it comes to doing things around the house and she does have a point. But I grow frustrated with the kids always messing up things I have just cleaned up. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, bill paying, and outside work, dog walking, in addition to coaching each of my kids in baseball. She basically does all the laundry, inside housework, and nighttime duties. So we both do stuff, she just complains I don't do enough and that kind of pisses me off a bit.
My only complaint is the lack of sex, and my believing she is making herself unavailable to me. Oh, and I wish she didn't spend money like she does, but we make good money and its not the source of frustration it once was. But in some ways I feel her continuing to do things that irritate me without her doing anything to address the things that bother me (yes the lack of sex and what I perceive as a lack of desire) makes me feel used to some degree.
But if I complain, then she draws back even further. If I don't complain, she thinks all is well, but yet that is not enough to compell her to initiate sex. It just makes her open to the possibility.
So if you're telling me she's probably one that will never initiate it, but will still be an engaged and willing partner so long as she's in the mood, I'll accept things for what they are. Especially since I believe I know understand what it takes to get her in the mood.
Well boys, my husband is in the same situation as you. I love him but rarely initiate sex, - don't have the drive to initiate for the most part. if he does, I can get interested, but it is not as physical for me somehow- AND if I feel ignored or unappreciated for the rest of the day and then all of a sudden he wants me in the bedroom - well that is hurtful too and doesn't make me feel wanted as anything other than used for the release of his physical tension - it just doesn't make one feel very loved.
My husband is kind, but too matter of fact and the predictable or expected sex got boring...and lack of communication doesn't help either. I don't think you should feel rejected but realize that women can and do feel different than men. I will bet that if you have a nice evening with your wife with some nice comments that show appreciation in other areas it would go a long way.
If my husband made any remarks that made me feel like I was the only one or just told me he felt happy, lucky, proud or anything like that to be with me at the end of a long day, if he arrived home with a flower, a chocolate, nice soap or anything to let me know he had thoughts of me, I would melt. I think it doesn't have to be anything big...if she has looked after kids all day... gosh pour her a nice bubble bath, say you will do the dishes, put the kids to bed or whatever so you can spend some time with her when she is relaxed. Oh yeah, and just because you do something nice don't make it seem like it is prepayment for sex....and hopefully it wont seem vise versa ....all centered around it. Improving in other areas will improve your sex life!
My boyfriend and I have always had a pretty good sex life, but in the last few months he’s been full of surprises doing loads of new things that I never even new existed and It’s been the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. A few months ago he was surfing online and found these ebooks at themenschamber . com. I don’t know why he didn’t want to tell me this sooner but hey I’m not complaining In fact I’ve never been happier Lol..
Back to your question though, I enver used to intiate sex before he made this major turn around. The fact that I know Im going to get toe curling fun and give him toe curling fun too makes me more motivated to persue sex with him, I now initiate sex 1-2 times per day just because he got these ebooks and learnt how to give us both more mutual pleasure and taught me some moves to please him as well.
I can’t fit everything I’ve learnt lately in this post but here are a couple of very simple bedroom tricks that really worked for me.
The Experi Mint
This technique really packs a huge payoff for very little prep work. Some
women claim that different cough drops provide varying degrees of
stimulation. It seems to be purely a matter of personal preference, so
don't be afraid to experiment with a variety of brands and flavors.
Here's What You Need:
One mentholated cough drop, any flavor.
Here's How You Do It:
Get your woman naked.
Unwrap the cough drop and put it in your mouth. You need to give it a
couple of minutes to partially dissolve; so use this time to pepper her
belly, bikini line and inner thighs with little kisses.
Swirl the cough drop around in your mouth, making sure to rub the tip of
your tongue against it. Now, keeping the cough drop in your mouth,
gently begin to lick around the vagina, paying special attention to the
clitoris. In a few moments your woman will begin to feel both the hot and
cool sensation of the menthol penetrating her body.
For added stimulation, pause every minute or so and gently blow on the
clitoris (the air reactivates the cooling properties of the menthol and
provides a sensation most women find immensely pleasurable).
Women all over the world have gone absolutely crazy for this little ditty.
Done properly, it will have her yodelling!!!
Walking the Wall
This is a great way to find just the right angle to stimulate her G-spot.
Here's How You Do It:
Get your woman naked. You, too.
Have her sit on the edge of the bed with her legs apart.
With you standing, enter your woman.
Have her bend her knees, letting her feet rest on your stomach.
As you continue thrusting, tell your woman to "walk" up your chest,
placing one foot in front of the other.
As she does this, you'll stimulate different areas of her vagina. It's up to
your woman to determine exactly where she should be on "the wall" to
achieve an indescribable orgasm. Watch for the screaming orgasm though!! a towel underneath her usually helps keep the bed clean…
Most of my female friends I have talk to about this say men don’t really understand where to pleasure a woman the best around this area.
Yes the clit is very sensitive but the underside is even more sensitive as are the outer and inner lips.
While working the tip of your tongue along the outer lips up one side and down the other side all the way to the bottom and back up again doing this a few times you'll know your doing it right but the sounds your partner will be making.
With your thumb and fore finger slightly open the lips and lick the inner lips and flick your tongue as it licks the inner lips basically tickling your partner.
Most men try to suck their partner, just use your tongue to lick and gently tickle every inch of her as though you are tasting her.
Make your way to her clit and kiss and nibble on it with the tip of your tongue flick the front of the clit ever so gently and lick the underside with a little extra pressure after a few strokes of your tongue increase the pressure as your partner moves to meet your every stroke of your tongue.
Here is where the fun really heats up insert a finger or two as your stroking the underside of her clit with your tongue.
I have found that using toys vibrators works the best to give a earth shattering screaming orgasm.
You'll know what your doing to give your partner that screaming orgasm by the way she moves, moans, purrrs, breathing.
I've been married to my husband for 20 years. I've tried initiating, but he responds by backing away. He only wants to have sex when HE wants it, and is unwilling to try to get in the mood when I want it. I feel rejected, unattractive and humiliated when he doesn't respond to my advances, so obviously I no longer initiate. If it were up to me, I'd have sex everyday. He can go without it for weeks. I spend many nights either not sleeping well, or resorting to solo sex so that I can sleep. One thing I think is important for every man to remember....Making love to your wife begins in the morning when you wake up. Give her hugs and kissess with plenty of sincere compliments throughout the day. When her interest in sex returns, you can then talk to her about your fantasies- one of which is for her to initiate. Give her all the details of how you'd like her to do it so she feels confident. (Keep kissing and hugging her and stroking her skin while you are talking) and for goodness sake, when she does initiate- don't turn her away! Make sure she knows how much you are enjoying it and be sure to enthusiastically give her pleasure she'll never forget. If that doesn't turn her into an initiator, I don't know what will.
i am only twenty three and married for four years and i don't initiate sex because after i feed the kids, clean the house and play my little pony and G I joe i am just too tired and i don't feel sexy when i smell like kid puke and grilled cheese with the lingering smell of pledge in my hair. so if you guys want her to initiate sex draw a bath for her light the candles let us get nice and clean and help us get there wash our backs or throw in a load of laundry just those simple things can make a woman feel good and then want to have sex. Also pick up one of our girly books we a reading it or watch a disney movie because no matter how old you are you want to be swept of your feet from 1 to 100 from gay or straight all woman want to be a princess for a night. and more then just once a year on the wedding anniversery
I think it is all about timing. I am 26 married about 3.5 years. My husband pursues sex when I am already in bed ready for bed, relaxed and half asleep. I can't believe he gets mad at my response to his advances if I am ready to fall asleep. I think he thinks since I am in bed now is the time. While in the half an hour before bedtime; we sit on the couch and watch TV with no advances. Try paying attention then.... then chasing me to the bedroom.
Plus I can't sleep after sex and he passes right out. Then I am even more upset.
I've been married for 13 years. My husband is a wonderful man. He loves me completely, and I know that with all of my heart.
We do have sexual issues. I have no libido. It makes him feel unwanted and unloved. I feel so guilty about this, because I DO love him. I'm just so tired after taking care of kids, money, and the house all day. I also do not feel sexy anymore. He tells me I'm beautiful, but I don't feel it.
I want an emotional connection to him. I want to cuddle and talk. He wants to have sex and THEN cuddle and talk. If we cuddled more, with no expectation of sex, I'd probably be in the mood more.
Don't leave your wives over sex! If you get re-married, you'll have the same problem! Most women are like this (there are exceptions of course. When we first got married, I had a high libido. My libido is also high when we just get away alone and away from the kids). Talk to your wives. Tell them how you really feel, and keep working on it!
I've been with my fiancee for 5 years and when I used to initiate sex early in our relationship he used to withdraw and tell me that he "can't do it that much". Now after hearing this for so long, I really love him but I hardly ever want to do it anymore. Now, he tries to initiate sex and I just don't feel like it, because he pressures me. I know sometimes guys can put too much pressure on women and not put enough focus on what they like...could this be happening with any of your relationships? I think that just seeing what gets your wife/girlfriend/fiancee really turned before sex (even if YOU don't like it-because you know we (girls) do things during sex that we don't always like) and really paying attention to your timing (not when we are half asleep or have been cleaning and running around all day) your chances may be better at getting her to pay the favor back...oh and how about helping with all of the housework so we can focus on having sex and not the laundry that's been sitting there for a week :) When we've been cleaning your dirty underwear and the razor stubble off the sink - there's a good chance we might not be really turned on when you get home.
SkipNBeat and Lindell are right on target. They seem to have a good understanding of the difference between men and women's minds.
Why is it that some men pursue women prior to marriage, then after the honeymoon phase is over expect their wives to pursue them? If a woman isn't going to pursue you before marrwhile you're dating, she isn't going to pursue you sexually after marriage. Most of us have to be led to that "special place". Be nice and understanding. Make her feel valued and respected. When you finally do get her in bed, pleasure her before pleasuring yourself, so she knows it's not "all about you".
I THINK SOME PEOPLES SEX DRIVES ARE DIFFERENT. AS I AM A VERY SEXUAL PERSON, I HAVE BEEN IN A STEADY RELATIONSHIP FOR 8 YRS NOW,AND THOUGH HE REFUSES ME AT TIMES, I TALK TO HIM ABOUT US DOING IT.SO U MIGHT JUST NEED TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE A TALK WITH UR SPOUSE. SHE MIGHT JUST NEED SOME SORT OF SPICING UP IN THE RELATIONSHIP TO TURN HER ON.
Expat wife, you go, girl! I really don't get these men who think women are the pursuers. Throughout the history of mankind, men have pursued sex.
I don't get why some men have become so weird they expect women to dominate them sexually all the time. Women are not sexually dominant. Men are.
Women who happily submit to sex are a blessing. Why are some guys acting so weird that they expect to be persued for sex by a female, like, all the time? I can understand wanting the woman to persue once a in a while, on the off day, like literally twice a year.
Guys who think a woman should initiate sex every single time are off base, and making their lives miserable. because they are expecting the abnormal.
I wish my own husband of 5 years would take my advice! If I don't initiate, we don't do the deed, so we literally have sex once or twice per month. Sure, we've talked about it, and he's asked me why I don't initiate. Quite simply, as a female my sex drive isn't "always on" like my husband's is. Frankly, while he complains that my lack of initiation when it comes to sex affects his self-esteem, MY self-esteem is also affected when he doesn't show me attention unless he wants to get in bed with me. It's very lonely. When he finally does "get sex" (reluctantly because he goes about it in the wrong way), it's usually just me giving him a hand job. Needless to say, our sex life isn't very fulfilling, and if I didn't know the meaning of the word "fidelity" I'd look elsewhere for the attention I crave.
So SAD!!! Why is it that girls try so hard to give boys what they want and boys just don't care?! BOYS are physical and visually attracted. It's how they are. Girls are emotional and mental. If you want what the other has, quit focusing on yourself and figure out what the other needs. It isn't so hard.
Give me a break, men and women are equally mental about these things. There are plenty of men - as evidenced on this forum - who are deeply troubled about pleasing their mates. I know as many nearly frigid guys as gals and about the same number of nympho's (although I wish I had known more nympho women while single!).
We all want to be pursued, isn't one of the greatest human needs to be validated? Heck, my wife wasn't a big initiator but I decided that I loved her regardless and decided to work hard on that side of our life. It's been a success. No, she's not jumpin' me when I get in the door but then again that expectation is unrealistic when you have three little ones around. It's unrealistic in any event.
We have friends who recently separated and sex was a big reason. She never seemed to want it and that's all he ever thought about - to the point of distraction. He used to talk to her about it but she never quite caught on to what he was saying. But he never "did" anything other than talk to her about what he was unhappy with. He'd tell me that he was upset because she didn't orgasm during intercourse.
I'd say, "well maybe she's not stimulated that way, do you understand that the majority of women can't orgasm vaginally?"
"Do you work on your oral sex technique and let her reach orgasm before you?"
"I'm not big on giving oral sex."
"Ever thought about a vibrator or toys?"
She probably wouldn't like that."
"Have you asked?"
"Good luck fella."
We're all out there complaining about each other and hardly anyone is really telling the other person the truth. What's it cost you to say what's on your mind to your supposed life partner and little smoochee-poo?
I figure if I can't say something to my wife about what I want then maybe we're not the match that I was looking for when I got married. She now thinks I'm nuts but it certainly keeps the bedroom interesting.....
Well, on Dr. Phil he said that when a woman initiates it also makes the man feel that she really loves him a lot. I am one of the lucky guys. Every single morning, my fiance just loves to disturb my sleep and starts to initiate. Even if I am tired, I don't reject her, ever. Very few times it took me some time to climax cause i was soo tired, but I didn't want to leave her hanging. I always help her out around the house too and treat her well. So whenever I initiate later in the day, she happily gives in.
Of course guys love to initiate when they are in the mood, but if your woman never initiates it gets a man to start thinking, "dang..am i not attractive? should I hit the gym? Doesn't she love me and want me to feel good?" Thats what I probably would think. I love her and when i initiate, its not just for me.. I really want her to feel great too. So i would like her to want me to feel good too, i guess thats why guys would like thier partner to initate so they too feel wanted.
I'm female, we've been married for nearly 20 years, and I have the far higher sex drive *if* what we mean by that is that I want sex within our marriage. I'd love it if we'd have some sort of sexual contact every day or two. Wouldn't have to be any big romantic deal, either. I'm up for anything: full blown romance with candles and music, quickie on the kitchen counter, a little mutual groping on out in the gazebo. I'm pretty open to anything when it comes to sex with my husband.
Him, not so much. But, he does love pornography, and he's spent lots of time with strippers over the years, and he's got a history of getting involved with women at work: emotionally involved, and sometimes (I'm pretty sure, though he would never, ever confess it) physically, too.
The problem seems to be that I'm one woman in a world of women. Also, I'm his wife. Somehow, it's apparently more titillating to think of getting sex from someone forbidden than it is to think about one's wife. Then, too, those other women have all sorts of advantages. He sees them all dressed up and doing their professional thing at work. He sees them in the hazy light of bars. He sees them by the light of the moon, and the dashboard. They make no demands of him. They never want to talk about the kids, or the dog, or getting new carpet. Me, he's seen in the most unflattering situations you can imagine. He's seen me waddling with pregnancy; giving birth, red-eyed, crying, and snotty (real crying isn't quite as cute as it is in the movies); and quivering with rage. Other girls might get the stolen intimacy of office flirtations, or the excitement of wild nights away from home, but I get the harsh light of the kitchen and the laundry room.
And because I'm always, always there, I often think that he doesn't really see me at all. He's an ogler. When we are out together, he scans every female in his visual vicinity, quite as if I'm not there at all. I've actually toyed with the idea of posting nude pictures of myself at one of those online sites just on the theory that then, at last, he'd *really* see me. Of course, that would disturb him no end, for I am his wife, and the mother of his children. He loves me, but I'm simply not the one his sexual and emotional energy is mostly invested in. I'm "just a wife," and I'm way too much work. It's easier and more exciting just to stick some twenties in a g-string, or sneak some dates with a coworker, and then have all the fun of thinking about those women, but none of the responsibility of a relationship.
I think monogamy is sexy as hell. Who better to cut loose and experiment with than someone you really love and trust? But, for him--and the many men like him (just check out the STD forum to see what I mean) marriage is confining, dull, routine.
Too bad! I love sex, and would love nothing better than to have that part of our relationship thrive. He can't even talk about it. When I finally said I can't feel truly loved without sex, he said I was being ridiculous, but there it is: sex is where I'm best at expressing intimacy.
So, perhaps that's the problem. Sex is never just sex in a marriage. It's a way of connecting and communicating and playing and bonding. Even a quickie sets the tone for a day. To him, that's just too much like work. (But, he'll put endless hours into romantic phone calls with his dalliance of the moment. It's just too frustrating for words.)
Thank heavens I'm comfortable pleasuring myself. But, I tell you, as satisfying and necessary as that is, it's just not the same, and it certainly isn't what I had in mind for marriage.
Wow, i bet so many married men are dying to have thier wife like you marriedlove. Your husband shouldn't take you for granted like that. He doesn't have to leave the house or anything, because you are right there ready and willing to please him. Instead of him going to a strip club, he should take that time to reconnect with you, like a nice romantic dinner out in town. Just the two of you talking about interesting things. Don't talk about house chores, the dog, etc during this time lol. Then, maybe he will change a little. When was the last time the both of you just went out and watched a movie together? I bet its been a pretty long time right? Try dating again! hope this helps
I was starting to think I was the only woman whos husband has zero libito.I have only been married a year.I am 44 and new husband is 50.We dated only 10 mon before marraige had sex maybe 4 times which were really good.He would tell me often he was old fashioned and did not want to have sex again till we were married,I respected that and would think of the great sex we would have after marriage..Guess what we had sex 1 time on our honey moon of 13 days. and he only gave in after 9 days of me asking and I finally got so mad I would not even talk to him.well it is the same now we have been married a year.I am a attractive woman and I have done every thing I know to arouse this man.He has a great body himself,and I do love him deeply and this is why it hurts me so much that he does not desire me.He is affectionate in other ways ,hugging,kissing,back rubs and so forth .But let me get to physical and he pulls away..I have begged for counceling I have asked is there something wrong with me.What is it??He does have ADHD could this be a problem? He is a very handsome man and my girlfriends say I am so lucky to have him.I am to embarressed to even say we have no sex life..Maybe once every 2 mon..But when we have it ,,it is very good..I am so confused..
He says he has to destress,or he needs to eat,or he has eaten to much,or wait till its morning,wait till its night..Every excuse in the world.he does struggle with ED but has a ton of viagra if he needs it.How can a man go so long without sex??We have a home based business so we are together all the time,I know there is not a affair going on,,.we do alot together..Just not sex..Well any way just needed to vent..
After sex, your man should feel soo relaxed. If he wants to de-stress, sex is a great way. They say that after sex and the release of hormones has an affect that is about 20 times the power of valium. I guess thats why guys just drop dead after sex and they feel soooo relaxed that they can just easily fall asleep. But women aren't left in the dark either. us guys can give you that effect as well with semen. Here's what newsscientist website says, "In fact, the results aren't a complete surprise because semen does contain several mood-altering hormones, including testosterone, oestrogen, follicle-stimulating hormone, luteinising hormone, prolactin and several different prostaglandins. Some of these have been detected in a women's blood within hours of exposure to semen." They found that women are not depressed when they are exposed to semen. They also found that when condoms are used regularly, their score for depression was higher. I think sex is a great and healthy way for both of you to relax (if your on the pill).
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