This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Not sure this is rated G or not but here goes. I am always horny and when I ask my wife to stroke me she acts like it is a job for her and she says she is tired but seems to have energy to do other things. When she is on her period is the worse because I become sexually frustrated. The few days ago she promised a ******** and then said she was too tired so I can understand that. The other night she said we need to go to bed early so she can take care of me. Well, around 9:00 I said come on and lets go to the bedroom before you get to tired and stroke me and she said "are you going to bed already"? I went to lay down, she came to the bedroom and said she had too much energy to just lie down...needless to say she went back to the other room and watched tv and got on her computer.
I need some advice or in site what is going on inside a woman's head and what should I do? Do I just go to the sex store and get me some toys for myself?
Sounds like you don't need me to solve this mystery; you've already figured it out.
However, there are other issues here that your post hints at. For instance, you say you want your wife to "stroke" you. Does this mean that's all you want? Are the two of you sexual in other ways, or is it always about her giving to you?
At age 40, it's doubtful that any hormonal issues are creating a lack of sexual desire, unless she's entering menopause very early. More likely, there are other issues for her, such as you noted (anniversary of her father's death). Some of these may not be merely related to sadness, but to something in your relationship or your way of being with her.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. Your first step is to ask her how she feels. Has it occurred to you that she may have some issues with your relationship as well? Perhaps she's bored, but doesn't know how to express herself or is holding back for fear of hurting your feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. If she were writing to me, I’d ask her the following: Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with your partner. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if she DOESN’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for her, then she may be repressing sexual feelings, or she’s just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, she’s no longer turned on to you. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s her physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Is she anxious? If she’s feeling anxious or unsure of herself, her desire for sex will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex with you?
Other reasons she might not be turned on: If she’s worried about pleasing you, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of YOUR attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting her desire. Is sex mostly about YOUR pleasure rather than hers? Or does she feel that sex is about satisfying you rather than herself?
You asked, so I’m telling you. Realize that I’m not accusing you of anything, merely bringing up all the possibilities.
So, to recap: she may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. Remember not to put pressure on her. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.
Having said that, let me also say that it's fruitless to speculate because there are a zillion reasons why peoples' sexual desire diminishes--way too many to list here.
Now it's time to hear from her. Sit back, relax and don't be defensive. LISTEN. If you truly love her, you’ll be willing to spend some time listening to her.
Hopefully, the two of you will discover what's going on. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I am not sure what to say. There seem seem to be a problem with your wife regarding sex ( not saying that she sometimes cannot be genuinely tired). However, have you talked with her concerning why she is seemingly avoiding sex? There are many reasons a woman can do this....i think you need to ask what is going on with her.
I spoke to her last night and I think her hormones are acting up and I am on HRT so I am xtra horny. We had an intimate evening and she woke me up at 2 a.m. to show me just how much she loves me.....We are going to make her an appointment with a Dr. to get her levels checked. She will be 40 in a couple of weeks and I forgot one important thing....her dad passes away one year ago in about a week and that has been on her mind as well SO I need to be more considerate of her feelings.
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