Just joined this forum after not being able to find any good websites on single parenting, at least not ones with feedback like here. My situation is as following:
My ex and I were together for a while when we decided we'd try for a baby. We were looking for a place to move in together and I thought we had it all figured out. He lives in Germany and I in Holland, about 1,5 hours apart by car. We could only see each other during the weekends. When I fell pregnant after only 2 months of trying, things started to go a little funny. He started living with his parents again about 3 months before we started dating due to relocation with work and the car I always thought he owned actually belonged to his dad. During the same time I fell pregnant his brother filed for divorce with his wife. She has no other family and decided to pick up her stuff and move in with her in-laws with her two kids, overcrowding the place they were living in. My ex started calling off our weekends together, claiming there was no space or that he had no time or that he couldn't take the car to come pick me up. At first I figured it would be something temporary only, since we had plans to move in together as soon as possible, but it still hurt when he called off everything for two weeks up to a month. We'd see each other for a few hours one weekend and the whole thing would start again. He started claiming he didn't like my parents, which is why he didn't want to come over to my house, and all the while my pregnancy progressed. He missed the first ultrasound, at the second he claimed his dad sold the car that day so he couldn't come and by the time it was December I was 4,5 months pregnant and he had missed out on everything. The lying to me increased and I felt he didn't want to be with me any more, although he fiercely denied it every time I brought it up. We had serious fights every weekend, I became so stressed out over the whole situation that I had to be put on bedrest for a while and all the while there was no sign of him ever wanting to move in together. I tried suggesting homes I had found on the internet, which was received with: "We have to wait another month or so, so I can save up some more money." Finally, when he canceled on a family dinner which my mother had been preparing for two days only half an hour before he was supposed to be there, I snapped. I tried to call him (he canceled by sending me a text) and when he didn't pick up I send him a text telling him that I wouldn't be moving to Germany at all. No reply came for a week, until finally he texted back saying: "I hope you thought this over well enough. Good luck with everything."
Since then I've been trying to get everything ready. I'm now almost 6 months pregnant, I have no job because I gave up my old one back when we had more or less set up a date for me to move in with him and his parents (which, for some reason, didn't work out either) and no place to stay. My parents have asked me to move out, so I'm staying with a friend, sleeping on a mattress on the floor (which is hard to get up from nowadays!) and very, very little money. My ex continues to lie about everything, even when I told him that if he just tells me the truth we won't get into a fight because I'm not a hateful person. He has yet to help me with anything, has not contributed anything financially but demands that he gets to see his son after he's born.
I grew up without knowing my biological father, so I know the pain that it can cause and the questions that you don't dare to ask your mother because you're afraid she'll get angry. I don't want to deny my son a relationship with his father, but I don't want him to be lied to, disappointed or treated the same way I was by his dad. I've come to a point where I can't take the stress of dealing with my ex any more, on top of all the other things I need to have done before I go into labor. Am I a bad person and/or mother to tell my ex to back off?
Sorry it turned out to be such a long story, but I really needed to vent this.
I think your ex had better be ready to pay child support. See an attorney and see what you need to do to establish paternity, and find out what the rules are in the European Union about it.
As far as having the child see him, he probably is going to be different as a dad than he is as a shirking boyfriend, if he cares about the child. Time will show whether he really wants to be in the child's life. See the part about child support again. You don't want to burn the bridge yourself, by backing off and acting like you don't care if you ever see him any more, since you will need money for the child at the very least. If he comes forth with the money, that is a signal that he will also be there emotionally for the child.
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