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I'm in desperate need of ANY advice!!!
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I'm in desperate need of ANY advice!!!

I really need some advice.  Here's my situation.  I have a 6 week beautiful baby boy.  He's the love of my life.  His father and I are not together romantically.  He's someone I've known for years.  We are raising our little boy together as friends.  As of now he's paying child support, visits every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday.  He's such a great father and truly loves our little boy.  Starting next week my son and I will be going to his house every Friday for the night for the time being.  He doesn't know much about children and still needs some supervision :)  He's learning though.  Here's my question, I'm worried about the future.  Especially once I start dating again.  I just know that that will upset him and things won't go as easily as they have been.  I keep hearing about joint custody.  Something like two weeks with the mother and two weeks with the father?  That CAN'T be good on the child!  How does all this work?  What is the typical visitation schedule that you all have?  I'm just devastated to think about this joint custody thing.  I REALLY need some answers on this whole thing.  How does this work if the courts get involved?  I pray it doesn't go there but just in case.  Also, does the child's age have anything to deal with the courts decision (I'm not breastfeeding anymore)?  Any advice would be great.  Thanks so much for you time.      
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11 Comments Post a Comment
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535822_tn?1389452880
I think there will be differing opinions here I happen to believe that both parents are best for children if possible,, but that a baby needs to be with his/her Mom... breast feeding or not, at least in those first months /years even, but with Dad involved for day visits, in a lot of cases the parent remarries and then the step parent comes into the picture,there  a lot of good step parents out there but also a lot of jealousy going on  in blended families with favouritism,when there are other children from previous marriages read some of the threads on the step parenting forum . Perhaps start off with allowing him to visit and be with baby once he has baby by himself ask him to take a CPR course, Dads are great but they dont have the knowledge of when a child is sick, how to feed, what to do when they cry, Babies cry a lot...Once your child is older and understanding it becomes a differant scenario, he can  stayover night with Dad. Children also get upset if they are left for too many days so whilst the child is young a night or two is enough, some moms wonder when they leave their 2 year olds for a week why no one can cope and he spends his whole time being distressed,this age group often goes through a dependancy on Mom and can find it upsetting to be away from her.Dad really comes into his own when the boy is old enough to be into sports and ball games,you wont get a look in then .. There are many books out there a good read is SOS for Parents by Lynn Clark, Good luck and congrats on that little bundle ...
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm not sure about the legalities of the situation i.e courts etc but i think you are in the best position you could be in, as your son is unaware/knows little of what is going on for the moment. you and your ex-partner still seem like you are on good terms with each other so this again will hopefully make things simple. the good thing about that is you can both come up with a good plan of who your son will be staying with and for how long. I guess what i'm saying is that you can sort out visitation etc while your son is still young and doesn't realise what is going on, then when he's old enough it wont be as hard to accept (meaning it wont have as much as an impact if he were, say 4, 5, 6 etc). there are some cases where the ex-partners hate each other and make things difficult for each other and will deliberately go out of their way to make trouble, which in turn, greatly impacts on their children. All the best :)
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Avatar_m_tn
hi sweetie, first let me say slooooooooow down and breathe.  ok now one thing that stood out is that u said "we"  will be spending fri nights at pops house.  that is a red flag that u still have feelings for this man.  i suggest u look deep in yourself and see what is that u want from this man.  if you are done with the man and the relationship is over then i strongly suggest that you get the courts involved.  im speaking from experience.  this is the only way you will be assured that your precious lil one will have what is rightfully his.  as it is now you are at your ex's mercy.  i would love to chat with u more please let me know how things are going.  
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Avatar_m_tn
sorry sweetie i posted the wrong name.  but please let me know how things are going with you.
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231441_tn?1333896366
Hi,

my bro and his exwife have joint justody of their daughter.  She's spends half the week at her dad's and half the week at her mums.  Then they negotiate / work out major family events on both sides.  

They live close by eachother and make it work for their daughter's sake. Both have happily remarried.  Their daughter is 13 now and seems very well adjusted.  They went to arbitration when my bro's ex didn't want him to have joint custody.  They did work it out and essentially have equal custody.

It can work, and you've got plenty of time to get things happening....

You don't necessarily need to involve the courts, but you should agree your arrangements in writing.
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965878_tn?1247562729
I know you posted this a while ago but here is my 2cents worth. First you are lucky to have a father that wants to be involved and that with a little training will be a very responsible father. That right there is half the battle. Get everything that you decide on in writing it will make it easier when down the road feelings may be hurt. Having a legally binding contract that gives you legal guardianship will allow you more time with your little boy now and will give you the ability to give the father more time later when the baby is older. I am not as lucky as you as far as the father is concerned but I have full legal and full physical custody the time he is allowed I have extended by verbal contract and left the legal contract the same It works best this way because he is not the  most upstanding citizen and I have a little girl to worry about. I always say if I was fortunate for my ex to be a great father and that we just didn't get along, he would be able to see her whenever. Sadly that is not the case and I worry about my daughter whenever she is there.
sorry I got off the subject breifly, the most important thing is that your son is happy and healthy, I thank god everyday that he gave me the best daughter I could ever have and every parent should do that. Very good luck to you and congrats on your little boy children are truely blessings
wicki
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Avatar_m_tn
From a father's point of view:

My now 9 year old daughter was born out of wedlock, and her mother and I split long before the birth.  I was confused, sad and overwhelmed at the prospect of being a single father, especially as I never wanted kids.  I was starting my new career (teacher).  She had gone back to her ex while still preg. I did, however, make sure that if I was going to be a father that I was allowed to be involved in the child's life.  I went to all of the doctors appointments i could make and was there for the birth (c-section, her mother was there for the operation, but I was at the hospital and was the second person to hold her...minus medical staff).
As a jilted lover (so I felt) and trapped father (so i felt at the time) i was bitter...pissed...blah blah blah...I had a DNA test to make sure (yes she's mine, poor thing!).  Now what?  do I pay child support and accept a court ruling on when I get to see MY (she's mine too, ya know!) child?  Do i just pay and let the mother raise her?  HELL NO!  Once I looked at the child (even though i did have the dna test) i fell in love right away, and I'd be damned if anybody was going to keep me from her.  
I was very fortunate in the fact the the mother had a son before who had no contact with his father and she had seen how that affected him.  She tolerated me in her house 3-5 times a week for a while, but grew tired of it after about two months...at that point I was allowed (i hate that I had to be allowed, she's my child too) to take my daughter for a couple of hours and get some alone time with her...we bonded soooooooo much!  After my daughter was off the boob (mom dried up after 3rd month) and was on formula I began taking her overnight on weekends here and there.  I now have my daughter, and have had for a long time, 3/4 weekends (Friday eve through Sunday eve) and for a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays (3-6 or 7) and none of this is in court papers or anything.  I pay support religiously.  I could not live two weeks at a time without her, and I know her mother couldn't either.  I don't think an arrangement like that is good for anybody

Mom and I have grown to be friends through all of this (I am even friendly with her now husband, the previous ex) and our daughter is a great person who is very secure with her family situation and seems to be very well adjusted.  I probably spend more time with her than many married dads do...when she's with me it just the two of us...she's my best friend!

I have taken care of her when she is sick, taken her to the ER for injury, taken her camping, had sleep-overs and all the other stuff a mom would/could do...never took a class to learn how to be a dad...did you take a CPR class or get parenting lessons before your first child Margy?  Why do you assume that feeding a child is something a father cannot figure out (they have directions on formula cans, rice cereal boxes, mac and cheese, cook books etc) on his own?  Why is it that you make statements that indicate that you think a mother is more important and capable than a father?  Quite frankly I am insulted!  I do as good of a job as her mother at raising my child and have done so from the beginning...I am tender, loving, disciplined and an all around good father to my child.  

My advice....if anybody cares....to angelbaby is to do the right thing for the child.  If you have a wiling father, take advantage of that...we have the capacity to love and take care of a child and if the two of you are willing to work together for the best interest of that child...THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS!
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