Need Advice

Hi.  I am a single mother of 3 teens.  18, 16 1/2, and 13.  My 18yr old recently became pregnant, not married and last week broke up with her boyfriend.  She still lives with me.  She has a part time job and is very reliable there.  At home, she rarely helps with daily chores, her room is constantly a mess.  She uses my bathroom/shower to get ready.  Often uses my makeup, has left curling irons on on the carpet to the point where burn marks are visible.  She wears my clothes, even my underwear!!! (yuck i know).  She rarely does her own laundry, hence wearing my clothes.  I pay for her car insurance, her cell phone, and was paying for her car until she got into some trouble with a friend in Jan and I let my son start driving the car now.  So, she often takes my car to work, has only helped with gas maybe twice since Jan.  

I want to be a supportive mother and help her with living, and when the baby comes, but She completely takes advantage of me and my home.  When she was in high school, graduating was the most important thing and so i never pressed the issue of her paying for her own phone, or car insurance.  I know my poor choices have not taught her to be responsible, so I am not blaming her completely-but she knows right from wrong.  My own parents were very poor role models, both alcoholics-so I pretty much raised myself and have no guidance as to how to teach my kids to 'live'.

Can anyone share some advice on how to ease into teaching her some resposibility?  She is a little over a month pregnant and she needs to realize how much her life is going to change, and that mommy isn't going to bail her out of this one!

[jasmin_mom]

well idk if i will be much help because im only 17 bout to be 18 in september......
i can only say pretty much stop helping her....turn her phone off dont let her use the car....thats the only way i can think of....im 17 and i now have 4 kids and i had to learn everything doesnt grow on trees...my mom may help with getting things for the kids but when it comes to things for me i still gotta earn it...by helping out...if she doesnt got a car then she will have to find a way to work...if she doesnt got a phone she will have to start paying for it herself.....thats how my mom did it for me.....pretty much she is helping me right now because i just had my twins and so she is helping me take care of my 10 month old......and taking me back and forth between home and hospital to see the babies because i had a c-section so i cant drive......but i hope i kinda helped

[Melissa70817]

The first step would be to cut the cell phone off, if you have cingular you can go online and do that.  You don't have to totally shut it off but you can call her bluff. You can turn it off and turn it on a will.   If that doesn't work, I would pack all of her things and explain to her that you are there for her but WILL not be used. If that doesn't work let her leave with her things, letting her know this is not what you want but these are her choices by her actions and let her tough it out.  Let her know that once she is ready to become responsible you will allow her to move back in.  It won't take long for her to realize where her bread is buttered!

[mommy2aj05]

im not sure if im much help since i just turned 21 and i have a 2yearold but i would suggest stop helping her thats what my parents did....now they only provide our nessities such a food and shelter and i pay 100 dollars a week to mom that she is holding on to for me so we can move out....but some ppl will never change even with a baby on the way she has probably been set in her ways to long but there is always hope...best of luck

[WhatIsNormal]

Hello, I think your daughter and I sadly have alot in common. I am 28, my mom told me at 18 either go to college or get out. So I got out. But untill then I had no goals and was living at home partying all the time. I wish now that I had gone to college but that is besides the point. I had to go to summer school  just to graduate high school. The point is my mom made it so easy for me to use her for the things I needed instead of going out and getting them on my own. My mom was also a single parent. She felt guilty about the mistakes she made and looking back now , I can see how much I used that to my advantage. Giving her guilt trips to get what I wanted. No matter what mistakes you have made, or home much guilt you feel about wishing you had done this or that, you gotta do whats right for her. She is going to be someones mom soon. Even if you need to take her to social services to get on welfare, do it. She needs to be on her own. It's not your job to raise her anymore. Trust me it only gets uglier from here. My mom is still paying for my car insurance. really! So for God's sake, don't let her be like me, I know I'll be different with my own son. PS- my mom rocks!

[lil_mama1989]

Ok, I dont know how much help I will be on this but I'm 19 and sort of went through the same thing and am still with my parents.  Graduating from high school was my parents first priority as well so they bought me a car when I got my license and also paid for my car insurance as long as I kept my grade point above a 3.0 every semester.  If it went below that then I had to pay the insurance.  I got into some trouble and ended up losing my license for a year so my parents sold my car and bought my brother a different one.  I had to work to pay off my fines and get rides from anyone I could which really sucked and I've definately learned from it.  
My parents also pay for my cell phone and do take it away if I am not following the rules in the house.  
Since I am out of high school my parents now make me pay my car payment (i bought another car), car insurance, do my own laundry, and pretty much just take care of myself as much as I can.  As long as im in school my parents will help out with certain things, the car insurance deal carried over into college.  I am currently not in school because like your daughter I am single and pregnant.  I am due in December which would have made school difficult with finals being in December.  

Your daughter now needs to realize that she HAS to grow up now that she is going to be a mother.  She doesnt have a choice.  She is going to have to give up alot of things which may be difficult but can be done.  You should sit down and have a talk with her about being responsible and since she made the choice to have sex and it resulted in her becoming pregnant that she is now responsible for whatever comes along with that.  Help her to become more responsible by saying that if she doesnt do her laundry and clean up after herself that she cant use your car, or if she uses your car that she needs to put gas in it.  You need to set up some guidelines now and then stick to them so that she learns.  Otherwise if you continue to let her use you for everything she will never learn and its going to be very difficult for her to support herself once she is on her own.

I hope this helps.. I was just kinda rambling on. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!  (Ask anything at all, I wont be offended)

[ASB06]

Im 21 with a 2 yr old and was 18 when i got pregnant.  My parents taught me then that i had a lot more responsibilities than an 18 yr old wanted.  If I couldnt pay my cell phone bill they shut my phone off, I had to pay my car insurance I had to at least get a part time job.  and I had to start helping out more around the house.  My room had to stay clean I mean it has to now considering there is a baby living in it as well it needs to be sanitary and baby safe I had to start doing my own laundry I wasnt going to have my parents cleaning my sons clothes that is MY responsibility!!  I had to clean the bathrooms and honestly now I like doing that because I know my son isnt taking a bath in a dirty bathtub!  I make my sons breakfast, lunch and dinner that isnt my parents job its mine... you need to just lay down the law and tell her that things need to change.  I know its not easy!  Maybe give her a few things to do around the house make her keep her room clean.. Idk its a touchy situation when it comes to your children to a point. I hope I helped a little!
Best of Luck and I hope your daughters pregnancy goes good!!

[leigh04]

im 24 and your daughter sounds alot like me. my parents still pay my cell, 400 dollar car payment, SR-22 insurance, clothes, and things for my 10 month old. they unfortunately spoiled me way too much and nothing good has come of it
so far. i have had 2 DUI's with a 3rd pending ( bc i never actually drove), have lost numerous jobs, used to be real bad into drugs, and quit caring about everything except for my baby. now i dont have much of a relationship with anyone in my family that lives in the state. i worked very hard in high school and the yr after but then started heavily using drugs and started losing interest in everything else. i live in a small town and now its hard to find a job. i wish that they would
have enabled me alot less and perhaps i would have more responsibility now. its hard to be 24 and not really have much going right now. so maybe u should quit paying for alot of things and tell your daughter she has to start working longer hours to pay for more things on her own. hopefully its not too late. i am trying now to get my stuff together so my parents cant hold anything over my head and i can leave from here and not have to hear them talk down to me all the time for something they started. i wish u luckl