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Seeking out the Father after 14 yrs
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Seeking out the Father after 14 yrs

After 14 years of being a single parent my daughter wants to find her biological father. I was surprised to hear this, and I want to be supportive, but in the same token, I am not wanting this person involved in our lives. I am trying to be supportive and have to meet with the Child Suport Office Monday to look for him (I have tried every which way to avoid this but cannot find him). Has anyone got some advice for me on this? Please share your experiences. Thank you. Oh, and YES he knows that I had the baby. He never contacted me after my 28th week of pregnancy.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am not sure if Child Support Office can give you this information.  Perhaps you would have to go through white pages ar even hire a private investigator?
Either way, if I were in your situation, I would be very careful and discreet getting in touch with the biological father.  I would definitely try to do it myself first, just to spare my child any unnecessary disappointment - and prepare him for the meeting with the child.  I would ask if he would like to meet her and so on.  
Another thing is, you say that you do not want this person to be involved in your lives.  Is he a psychopath or are you saying this because you were hurt?  You have to examine your reasons.  I am in a similar situation.  When the biological father comes back in the picture, anything could happen.  Nothing, something or all.  You have to be ready for example for him becoming a part of your daughter's life.  In this case, he will be somehow a part of your life, too because you will "share a child" and you will have to develop a working relationship to do this successfully.  If he rejects her, you will have to deal with your daughter's disappointment.  If they are just kind/indifferent - well, then nothing will change.  
In my case, it was love at first sight after 7 years of absence and things seem to work out great between my daughter and her father, but I still feel uneasy about him.  
But I think, it's better for the child to seek contact with bio father while she is still a child and has her mother beside her to support her - than for the child to look for her bio father when later in life alone when she is more vulnerable to possible lies and manipulation.
Good luck to you.  I hope everything works out fine for your family.  
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528396_tn?1217529613
The child support office WILL track him down through his social security number and find  his place of employment where they will be able to contact him.  I had a friend who was Ms. Coppertone, her husband was a Quarterback for the Miami Dolphins.  He left one day for a pack of smokes and never came back.  All he took was his wallet.  It took many years, they actually thought he was dead, he didn't even contact his parents.  This woman lived off of the system, lost her home they shared, she lost everything, she cleaned houses so that she could be home for her children when they left for school and got home from school.  She lived in total poverty.  It disgusted me when they found him, working at NASA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Making money hand over fist.  He never sent a birthday card, money, any help.  It took a while but he was found through child support enforcement.  
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484465_tn?1347117312
if you are not wanting this person involved in your lives at this time, i suggest you tell your daughter that you will help her find him when she is 18.  that's what my mom did and that's what i'll do with my son as well, if he's ever concerned about finding/meeting his bio father one day
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't understand why it is that a child who is 14 years old should be made to what and see who her/his father is for another 4 years.  I can understand that in some relationships, it may not be our choice to want that person around but shouldn't that have been thought of at the time of conception?  I realize mistakes are made, and we maybe in situations where pregnancies might not be planned, maybe the fathers aren't who we thought they were but that doesn't make those persons anyless the childs father.  Yes if they were a decent man...they would know the child now, but how does it look to a child who's mom say's when your 18 we will...they're an adult then and don't need your permission.  What kind of support is that for a child, who didn't get to pick who fathered them in the first place?  We are the mothers who chose.  Having a child met their father doesn't mean that you let them go with the man they don't even know.  Yes, it may not be convenient, yes, it may not be fun for us and yes, it may not be even nearly what the child expected or wanted.  But isn't that up to us as mothers to explain honestly those facts to our children and allow them to decide? We are talking of a child who is nearing or starting high school.  My father was an alcoholic non existant father.  He left me and my mom when I was three.  I wanted him around and yea he popped into my life on occassion, but DAMN did I want him there....always!  Not in my home, but to have a relationship with me of some sort.  My mother, despite knowing what kind of man he could be never denied my father the opportunity, he just never took it.  If these fathers are anything like mine, despite the true story, they (meaning the fathers) will say whatever they want to.  Mine often spoke of how he wanted to see me, but I would be gone when he came, or how my mom wouldn't have me home so he could come.  If it wasn't for the fact that my mother was honest and always supported the fact that he was my father and allowed whatever choices he decided...I could have very easily believed the man...god knows a part of my heart wanted to.  BUT there was no way in the world the I could ever believe him, because I ALWAYS knew my mom supported my wants and desires and allowed me to honestly and truly see the man for who he was.  Do I love him? Sure he is my father, but no we have no relationship even now, because of how he was back then.  I learned it for myself, because my mother allowed me too.  That was the best thing she could have ever done for me!  My 15 year old daughter has an absent father as well.  My oh my is he just like my dad.  I encouraged the relationship from the start and he was in and out when she was very very young and popped in several years later for a very short time.  Then just a year or so ago, he wanted her to go see his mom due to an illness, she occassionally did hear from her grandma.  She knew he would want to see her if she went and I told her then that was totally up to her and that if she didn't want to I would tell him no.  I told her it was her decision and I would support it no matter what it was and I also told her that her father would have to accept her choice regardless because he also knows his faults.  She chose to see her grandma and not him and I supported that.  Later in life, my daughter will know that know matter what she wants or decides in life I will support her, even if its uncomfortable for me.  It's her father, not mine, so who am I to decide?
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Avatar_f_tn
P.S,  I do hope no one takes my post the wrong way because I do not mean that there aren't times in which it may be in the childs best interest to know the father (my mother was raped...didn't believe in abortion despite the way she was inpregnated because the child was half her too) however she knew the man who did it so she had him waive all parental rights or told him that she would persue criminal charges...the man was a doctor.  He signed the papers needless to say.  My sibling knows how and what happened for reasons that don't need to be explained my mother had no choice but to tell her...she didn't look like the rest of the family.  My sibling has wondered who he is, but doesn't have any desire to know who he is and she is comfortable with that.  I'm sure that's understanable to many.  I'm just wanting to point out that I would hope that in making decisions which can alter your childs childhood dreams and memories that we are also thinking of the effects it can have on them...even later in life.
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Avatar_f_tn
my daughter met her father for the 1st time this month, she's 14yrs old,  and after a few visits and getting presents from him she has decided its, all too much and does not wish to see him again. I have encouraged this relationship because I think its importsant for her to know him. What happened between him and me back then doesn't matter and should not affect how she is with him. He didn't see this coming and was taken totally by surprise by her rejection.  he regrets very much not having been in her life before. How can I make her see that a relationship with her father is quite important, as I have a great relationship with both my parents.  
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2036047_tn?1329664484
I have not seen you put anything up and your post was from 2008. It would be nice to know if indeed you found her father and if there was any contact made between the,... I am good with locating people if you need help in that area. Child support is not suppose to give out personal information on the other parent.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi. My daughter has never met her father. I did some research on him and only to find out he died in 2001, the year my daughter was born. It was so hard telling her this. I think she took it quite well but she was a bit silent when I told her... He reminded me of Dom Jolly (do you know him?)...
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