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Again :(
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Again :(

So here I am having to start all over again.  I hope I feel better once I get this out.  I am embarassed and disgusted with myself.  Previously, I didn't want to betray my husband, but I'm gonna now because it's affecting me so much.  

Here's the problem:

My husband is a weed smoker.  Me too, but only because he is.  I hate how it makes me feel.  It aggravates my anxiety and pain, tremendously.  It's just that it's Always around!  I have been with my husband for 30yrs and he's always been a smoker.  Weed only, never cigs.  My husband lost his job after 30yrs in 07 so when I quit the cigs in Jul07, we Both quit the weed also.  He quit smoking because of the fear of being drug tested for a new job.  Other than the anxiety, I have never felt better or so Happy in all my life and our relationship was better than it's ever been and I mean EVER!  I have never known my husband sober for any length of time and he was such a different person, I felt like I was falling in love with him all over again.  That was the best year of my life, getting to know him sober.  "Thought" it was the best year of OUR life.  

About a year ago, hubby began smoking here and there which made me so angry I could barely see straight.  I begged him to stop, made deals with him, but he made his choice.  Now it's every day and I started in with it too just so I would stop feeling like I was going to explode and would care less what he was doing.  Our relationship suks now and it's all back to the way it was with him high every day.  I am So disappointed and hurt he would choose pot over our relationship.  It's addiction, I know, but when he quit he said he had "no problem" "I don't crave it at all" "No, watching my friends smoke doesn't affect me" blah blah blah.  NOW, he tells me it's "hard for him to stop."  Oh Please!  It's "hard" 'cause he doesn't want to, that's why!  

I have become more angry and even more depressed over all this and of course, smoking weed makes me want to smoke cigs and I gave in and failed my quit completely 2wks ago.  I had cheated a few times before that too.  I don't know how to not let my husbands actions affect me.  I just want us back to that year we were so good.  That's clearly not happening and I don't know how to be good to myself and be so angry at him at the same time.  Stress is not the problem for me as it's been a super stressful these last 3mos.  My trigger seems to be anger, but how do you avoid a trigger that's with you 24/7?  I feel angry every minute my husband is home lookin' at me through those slitted red eyes.  I can't stand that!

I feel like a huge failure!  I'm not stopping today as I have to prepare myself for the month long constipation and hot flashes that goes with quitting.  Sorry if TMI, but I really fear the constipation the most.

I don't Want to be a smoker, but I also can't stand to be angry every second of every day either.  I realize this is all up to me and I shouldn't Let my husband affect me so much, but it does.  I don't know how to deal with a user without using myself.  

Thanks for listening....
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23 Comments Post a Comment
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1013194_tn?1296463081
Oh, im so sorry you have to go through this, i cant offer you much help as i haven't had to go through this, only the ciggies..I do hope it will work out for you tho, we all deserve a happy life..Dawn
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326505_tn?1304172825
I hope that somehow you will gain strength to move forward Jade and that you will come to terms with the fact that you can only hold yourself accountable for your lapses. There will always be stress and anger in our lives and we can't always control the outcome and it can be scary when we lose control of situations, but you must make it your resolve to severe the connection between that and smokes.

My husband drinks. It's embarrassing most times to say the least. The last memorable time was when I had 11 for dinner, his b'day dinner and he came in and fell asleep in his dinner plate. My mom, sister, nieces from out of town, son's friends from Spain, our children.....all of them witnesses to how destructive addiction can be. He didn't go quietly when I nudged him and asked him to leave the table.....rather he turned on me and cursed me, in from of everyone....my mom especially : (
The bottom line is this. In the end, we can only account for ourselves and this my friend, is your time to take back control.....be accountable for your actions and only your actions. We have enough to deal with trying to stay quit : )
You will always have my support Jade and know that you aren't alone friend.
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242912_tn?1402547092
Dawn...thank you for your support anyway :)  I really appreciate that!


Kathy Jo...Wow, what a nightmare you have on your hands.  I'm so sorry.  I suppose though, that if you can put up with your husbands drinking and stay quit, then I can put up with pot smoking and be eternally grateful my husband doesn't drink except for the occasional beer.  He did, however, met up with a friend a week ago who he hadn't seen in many years and ended up drinking 4 Mai Tai's (what possessed him, I don't know.)  Instead of calling me, he DROVE home (the audacity! :)  then threw up in the backyard until 1 in the morning and didn't go to work the next day!  I think the last time my husband got drunk like that was at someones stag party back in the 80's.  Just those 3hrs with him out of control made me scared and brought back lots of bad childhood memories.  

I appreciate you sharing this about your husband as it makes me see how lucky I really am as well as not being alone in dealing with an addict.  I've done a lot of thinking since yesterday and you are right Kathy Jo, I need to take back control of myself and just let my husband do his thing and try not to get involved or upset.  He says he's "always smoked and been this way and why am I bothered by it now?"  Because I've had a year long glimpse at how much better life can be without weed, is why.  I'm getting more used to the situation here and am starting to feel more defeated over it than angry anymore.  God, grant me the wisdom, to accept the things I CANNOT CHANGE...  

Once again, thank you, Kathy Jo for being here for me.  Your words of support make me feel so much stronger!!  
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326505_tn?1304172825
atta girl : )
What a perfect segue for this:
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
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285927_tn?1380802356
Jade, I know of what you speak. Could you possibly go to the doc and get something to help with the anger? I quit before, got thru 6 months and chose to smoke again just to feel normal!  This time, I am off 10 days cold turkey and got paxil on standby in case I need to use it. I can only support you and listen and pray, cause I been there and no how hard it is.  I pray that you find the answers you are looking for soon.  I had to realize how much bigger than me this addiction is and make a choice to do it.  With Gods help and the support of all you good people, I just might make it this time! Hugs! I will be here for you when you need it, that much I can do.
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242912_tn?1402547092
Oh I got plenty of stuff to help with the anger if I wanted.  I take xanax to sleep at night so I have that and also have a bottle of valium, but I will only take a benzo during the day in an absolute emergency or to go to an appt.  I just can't get all caught up in that and besides, my husband smokes every day which means I would need something for the anger everyday and it would then be neverending.  Thank you too, for the Paxil suggestion, but I've been off AD's for 5yrs and I'm unwilling to start them again for any reason.  They make me feel horrible!  I do hope the Paxil help you though, that is, if you should need it which I hope you won't.

I am feeling more "acceptance" these last few days about my husbands habit.  I need to work on this anger all by myself as it's not anger over anything and everything, but just my husband lol!  I simply MUST stop hurting myself because he's doing something that's out of my control.  

Congrats to YOU on day 10!!  You will do it this time...I have a good feeling about you :)  Thank you so much for your support.  You know I'm here for you too.  You and I have been struggling for 2yrs now and I will hope and pray for the both of us because really, it's time to stop fooling around!  Well, you've quit so it's time for ME to stop fooling around LOL!!!!
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326505_tn?1304172825
It's important to talk, especially when you know that there are others out there that have and are going through it.
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242912_tn?1402547092
I have thought alot about where I went wrong this last time and really, I just gave up the fight, simple as that.  My kitty has had so many serious issues these last 3mos, hubby and the weed, but these things are so minor compared to what so many people deal with on a daily basis.  I'm really blessed and I need to remember that.

We are not in danger of losing our house like so many have. My parents are still alive and relatively healthy and I'm going to be a Great Aunt in Nov.  I have a lot to be grateful for and very little to be sad and stressed about.  I am working on not worrying about things that are beyond my control.    

I can control my smoking.  Kathy Jo, you are a prime example of someone who has a tenacious hold on their quit.  You guard your quit as if your life depended on it (which it does.)  That is how I need to look at this next quit.  I am in control and nothing and no one will take that away.  

Someone on here, MrLucky I think, said recently that we all made it look so easy.  I think it does tend to look easy on this forum because people don't complain here much...it's all about the positive.  I would LIKE to hear day to day complaints on this forum because it would help me not to feel so alone, but for some reason, people either don't want to talk here or go to other forums with their anxiety or depression or whatever problem that comes up because there are now forums for everything.  Daily issues are Life and we all have them and those issues, whether minor or not, are what often leads us to fail our quit and I think if these things were talked about on This forum, it would help others alot.  

Again, thanks for listening and thank you everyone, for your support!



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326505_tn?1304172825
yes, it was Mr. Lucky who said that and he does make a great point.
It isn't easy but with time it gets better. One of the reasons I remain active here is not only to pay it forward, but to protect my quit, just like you said Jade. Some days go by and nary a thought about smoking, but then there are days that I itch for it! Thankfully those days don't happen often, and when they do I am able to deal in a rational way (lol), but sometimes, especially when my stress level has reached its peak, I really need to take several steps to protect myself from the desire.....I automatically go to whyquit.com while picking up the phone to talk with someone who can help me get through it. I have a few that have been there and know me and know about addiction. After reading and while talking, I take a very brisk walk (I would never be able to do that if I were smoking).....the person on the other end doesn't even need to say anything....just be a sounding board and acknowledge me from time to time : ) Thank God it has always worked for me.

To me, the most important element to a quit is support. I get it here, I get it at whyquit and I get it from family & friends. Without it, I could never have gotten here, thanks all!
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675923_tn?1296241611
I am hopeful that you will completely quit smoking and protect your quit like KathyJo. Your desire is deep as is your commitment. Smoking is an addiction. I'm dealing with the on again off again syndrome myself. I keep thinking that smoking is my friend, my time. Well, my "friend" just made my chest ache, throat raspy and scratchy, my clothes smell, my hair smell (Oh, I just remembered ~ you wear a hat lol). You can do this Jade. As my quit is mine, yours is yours. Nobody can make me smoke or quit, it is up to me. As for the weed, I absolutely cannot believe that I brought it into our house a year ago!! I don't even like weed AT ALL. I get paranoid and eat everything in sight. Alcohol would be my drug of choice. A friend told me that weed helped her bipolar. So I thought, hmmmm, I should try that. Well, after ONE try I was done with that thought but my husband, who has been clean for years, decided to take the rest of it. You know, I could just beat myself up over this but he is the one who made the choice to pick it up again. Not me. Oh, I didn't help him any but I didn't sit on him and make him smoke. He isn't a daily user and when I see him run out to the garage I yell "whatcha doin"? I haven't mastered the skill of keeping my mouth shut quite yet. I just now realized I'm well aware of more information than I need to be (his use).

As for the constipation, oh yes, how lovely. Well, have you thought of trying a colon cleanse? It would help run that nicotine out of your body as well. I'm not an expert, just an idea. I'm going to try it myself. I'll let you know.

I'm here for you as are many others :) El
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242912_tn?1402547092
LOL!  The part where your husband is going out to the garage, hahaha.  I am on the alert with my husband too because he doesn't smoke cigs, the ONLY reason he needs to go to the garage after 10pm would be to smoke weed.  I hear the back door close oh so quietly and I'm up like a shot.  He often thinks he can trick me and I've told him he doesn't realize how "alert" I am to his behavior.  I don't try to be, I am just hyper-alert to everything around me, but most especially when he makes me suspicious.  

Well anyway, today is day 1.  I feel energetic and up.  With that first drag in the morning, I feel so weighed down immediately.  I am dripping wet and can see the constipation has already set in just from not smoking for 13hrs.  I have heard and read about colon cleanses, but I have these ulcers and wouldn't be able to handle not eating or the use of that cayenne pepper.  If it weren't so difficult, I'd do it in a heartbeat.   Let me know how it works for you if you do it :)  

I am asking for God's help this time.  I am going to think of this quit as my most precious possession that needs to be protected.  Thanks Kathy Jo! :)  


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242912_tn?1402547092
Here is my pathetic little meter that Used to say 4mo3wks.  Now it says...
---
17:35 smoke-free, 6 cigs not smoked, $1.65 saved, 0:30 life saved

I must say, I'm very disappointed in myself.  And the irritation and anger is here.  Listening to the dogs bark next door is about to drive me insane!  I feel like crying, I'm just soo disappointed to start all over after going through w/d twice before.  

I think I WILL cry.  That at least will help stop my chest feeling so heavy...
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326505_tn?1304172825
Counter-productive Jade, don't do it!!!! It's sabatoge. READ, READ, READ.....shower, walk, pick up the phone, pick your nose....geez......keep yourself busy and don't get angry sweetie just take a few deep breaths and think positive. You have to look at the bigger picture here......you will be a non-smoker, now work on making it happen and don't look backward and don't beat yourself up. Stay strong and let's get this done!

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242912_tn?1402547092
Hahahaha!!!   I'll pick my nose, how's that!  

Well, you made me laugh, that's for sure.  You know me though, Kathy Jo, I'm always emotional and even though I've only been smoking a few weeks, the anxiety felt overwhelming today.  I did stay busy, but those dogs would not stop barking and my head just starts spinning and I couldn't get away from the noise so I ended up taking a half a valium, putting my earplugs in and dozed for a while.  I try to control myself, really I do, it's just not so easy sometimes.    

I do feel positive about this.  I never felt like going and getting smokes or anything, just felt like crying.  Once I did, I felt better.  Hubby is out of the shower and we're going walking, then to bed early.

Be hard on me, I deserve it!  
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242912_tn?1402547092
I see I made this post a month ago.  Time seems to have flown.  My meter tells me I will be 1mo smoke-free tomorrow.  

I definitely feel better pain wise, can breathe well again with no coughing or throat clearing, have a TON of energy, but the anxiety seems to be increasing as the days go by and is getting more and more difficult to put up with.  The trembling, heart pounding when I lie down, the feeling like I'm on edge, the inability to deal with noise At All and my head feels like it's full of cotton even though I am sleeping decently. My eyes are burning, I feel exhausted and I am beginning to feel like I want to crawl back in bed the last 2days.  

Even though all this is happening, I haven't thought of smoking much at all save a few cravings here and there.  Before this quit I would have imagined a cigarette would take it all away, but this time, I know from past experience this is just anxiety due to my quit and it will eventually get better.  I believe my mistake came the first three days when I began taking a half a .5 valium or a tiny bit more xanax in order to deal with the anger and I have continued to do so and now I am experiencing rebound anxiety.  I said I wasn't going to use anything like tranqs with this quit, but I couldn't stand feeling so horrid and now I am paying for it like I knew I would!   I haven't smoked pot for 2kws either which I would imagine has alot to do with how I feel as well.    

What I know for sure is a cigarette will only add to my misery in more ways than one.  It is clear to me from reading posts from others, people who have GAD have a more difficult time quitting smoking, but we just have to hang in there to reap the benefits in the long run and like any other addiction I figure it may take a year to feel completely normal and I must be patient.  After smoking for 35yrs I can't expect myself to feel better overnight.  It's going to take some time.  

Hot flashes are not gone, but much better and in spite of the anxiety increase, I feel VERY positive! :)

Thank you for listening to me ramble on...

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326505_tn?1304172825
Wow! 1 month, awesome! Congrats......

Talking is about the best thing you can do for yourself...you sound so much stronger then you did last month and with every passing day you will get stronger still.

I sure wish I knew what was causing the increased anxiety....maybe the changes in season or perhaps you are unusually busy....could be so many things, but one of the biggest change is "control". You have been taking it back, little by little and perhaps that can be overwhelming. I know that I felt that way for a while. Could I actually be in control of my urges and would I be strong enough to combat all those things that may me fail in the past? It's hard to be in control after allowing the addiction to be the boss for 40 years.
Whatever the cause(s), try not to look to deep into them nor let it take over your every waking thought. Sometimes over analysis can be stressful.
You are doing so good Jade, I'm very proud of you and your achievements! Hang in there and before you know it, you will be adding a paragraph to this thread next month : )
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285927_tn?1380802356
The anxiety is what got me last time after 6 months, could not take it any more! The B12 helps me alot but got the buspar on standby. I have noticed a decrease lately, not a huge decrease but it does not seem to be as bad as it was. I have pretty much lost the caffeine thing, maybe that is it.  Personally, I think it has something to do with blood sugar re-adjusting because when we smoked, the cigs took care of that pretty much? Might be interesting to research huh?
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242912_tn?1402547092
There are ongoing issues here at home and I think the stress of the last 5mos has begun to manifest itself into the physical symptoms.  All I had to do was read the most recent posts on the anxiety forum yesterday to see that all I am experiencing is normal...for anxiety, that is :)  Odd to say, but I am comforted by reading so many other posts which describe exactly what I'm feeling right down to the blurry vison, scratchy eyes and the hot flashes which I think by now have more to do with anxiety than anything else.  

Kathy Jo, as soon as I read you say not to look too deep into the cause of my symptoms, I immediatly saw I was doing just that and stopped and decided it doesn't matter what is causing them, but to just go with it because thinking about it just makes me focus on how I feel.  I went for a longer walk than usual last night thinking I could "walk it off" and it worked to some extent.  I feel a bit better this morning and I'm eliminating my "International Foods" coffee even though it's more sugar than coffee, to see if that helps.  Coffee is the 9th ingrediant in that stuff so how much can there be lol.    

Teko, I am thrilled to see the B12 is helping you!  Just by the fact you notice any change at all means it must be working :)  I don't know how much caffeine you used to ingest, but none at all is bound to have a noticable effect on the anxiety for sure.  It sounds like you are doing all the right things and are doing really well!  This is encouraging for me since you are a month ahead of me, I think.  You and I seem to go crazy with the anxiety when we quit smoking so if you're doing well at this point, then I will look forward to feeling even better after another month :)

Thank you both so much for your support and input!!  It helps a LOT to know someone is on my side.  Like I said inappropriatly on someone elses thread *wink* *wink*...I have zero support here at home so I consider this forum my lifeline.  In fact, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found MedHelp.  It's helped change me for the better in so many different ways.  

p.s. Apparently, I was unable to count yesterday because today is not 1mo, but 28days.  Ugh, whatever.  See?...this is how my mind works.  Everything has to be just so.....LOL

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YES THE BLOOD SUGAR IS THROWN OFF WHEN WE QUIT SMOKING sip on juices constantly the first 3 days, you will feel much better.  read the book how to quit smoking for good.  this is my 18th attempt, the longest i made it was 5 months.  i always looked at it as i can't wait till i can smoke again.  no i am looking at it as I don't want to ever smoke again.  nrt is tough cus it keeps you addicted.  so this time I am still using it but very little.  i went 32 hours cold turkey and had all kinds of reactions that my body just could not take.  good luck all
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242912_tn?1402547092
Thank you for your input on the blood sugar!  When Teko posted that, I thought it made sense.  I wish I had've known this 30days ago LOL.  

Your 18th attempt?  Wow...good luck to YOU! :)
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242912_tn?1402547092
OMG!  Blah, blah, BLAH...
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326505_tn?1304172825
lol......let me know when you are ready ; )
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242912_tn?1402547092
Yes, lol is right.

I will not be embarrassed...I will not be embarrassed...

Thank you, Kathy Jo.  I am so lucky to have your support...endlessly, it seems.  I haven't smoked pot for a solid month and have no desire (hubby has cut way back too.  Not doing it myself seems to be helping him as well.  Muwahaha *rubbing hands together*...my plan is working :)

Stomach is killing me.  I will have to stop this, I have no choice.  I'll let you know :)  

Oops, here he comes.  Gotta go.  He can't see this...
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