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1565702 tn?1295296430
Young Lawyer can't quit
The stress from my job is killing me, but I can't quit smoking no matter how hard I try....  

I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.

My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!!  Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough!  Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
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242912 tn?1402547092
Stephanie, it's not a Relapse if you never stopped in the first place.  I am truly worried for you on so many levels.  Chewing the gum "constantly" AND smoking 2packs a day - it's only a matter of time before you experience an acute overdose.  

You were too drunk to drive so let a "guy you met at the bar" drive you to your hotel?...then walk you to your room??  You are lucky he wasn't a rapist or worse.

This is all too much, I mean, you can't be serious.  If I were you, I would consider rehab for both the alcohol and cigs so you can continue your life and live your dream as a lawyer because you are walking a thin line, here.
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Uh, in order to smoke three and a half packs a day, you would have to literally sit and chain smoke one after another. I did two packs a day and felt like that was all I did, so something aint adding up here. If your smoking alot like you say you are then you are doing absolutely nothing in a day except smoking. It is the habit not the nicotine that has a hold on you. It is the mental addiction. No one can change your mind. Unfortunately it is going to take something like cancer to get to you and even then I doubt you would listen. I would really hate to hang with the smell that must encumpos you, your car, your home and your hair and clothes. But if that is what you want in life, that is your choice and I am glad you can afford your habit at the price these days of a carton of smokes. Two cartons these days would cost over a hundred bucks and if you smoke as much as you describe, then you are literally working to puff. I am thinking this post is not a serious one at all and is more a game. I apologize if I am wrong, but you obviously are not seeking help and it seems more of an attention getter. So puff on and good luck. Over and out.
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874521 tn?1424120397
can't help but agree with the girls,  younglawyer IF you are legit than you have serious problems, but I really do believe you are playing with everyone here and not at all genuine with even remotely wanting to quit smoking.....that being said, this is a forum for 'addiction' and not necessarily just for us that are quitting, but I ask that you please keep your posts on topic...we aren't interested in any of your other escapades.....
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1565702 tn?1295296430
I apologize if my last post was viewed as sensationalist, it was not meant to be. I know I have a problem and I really wish my efforts to deal with it were more successful.

I know that 3 packs a day is excessive, and I am trying to get help for that. I guess now that Im integrating back into the "real world" over the past year Ive come to realize just how bad my addictions, all of them, have gotten. When I was in college, I could usually smoke almost as much as I wanted, because there were only about 3 or 4 hours a day while I was in class and couldnt smoke, but the rest of the time I was able to smoke all the time.  When I first started college,  I was only smoking an average of a pack to a pack and a half a day, maybe around 30 cigarettes or so; and I used to think that was alot. But once I was out on my own, first in a "smoking dorm" when my smoking just took off and started to get out of control.

And there is no doubt that my terrible cigarette addiction has been prohibitively expensive, and there is no telling how many thousands of dollars I have litterally burned on the cigarettes that I needed. Im not sure if it was for better or worse that I "Discovered" Discount Tobacco stores and vendors when I was in college, and buying discount cigarettes by the carton made it all too easy to keep it up to two packs a day, and eventually transition into three packs a day. When you buy your cigarettes two or three cartons at a time, it makes it easier for backslide into the life of a chain smoker, especially when I was a college student with way too much time on my hands. Being able to watch tv or read or do whatever in my room while chain smoking all morning, then go to class for an hour, finishing another cigarette before going in and light up another one just as soon as I got out of class, then take a long lunch break, where I usually sat in the covered courtyard or patio smoking area, usually smoking one after the other, often while fighting off hunger while I tried to keep my weight down by usually skipping lunch. It was like I never walked or drove anywhere on campus without a lit cigarette, and just as soon as Id finish one, Id light another, then another. After just a year, Id finish my first pack of the day before the first afternoon class. When that class would let out Id have a one hour break, during which I typically chain smoked while studying. Then that last class would let out, and Id almost always have the cigarette already in my mouth before I even got out the door to light it. I should have know that what I had was way worse than usual.

And I completely understand what you mean by how smoking can control your life. I never went anyplace I couldnt smoke. Even though its hard these days, I still avoid places I cant smoke.  I wouldnt study at the library, because I couldnt smoke there. Instead I smoked at a nearby coffee shop that had a smoking section for years, until the smoking bans a few years ago. When the weather was cold that was hard to do, and after trying to learn to study indoors with smoke breaks every half hour - I finally decided I just needed to get an apartment of my own, where I could smoke all I wanted, and study in peace. Around the same time I met the guy who would become my first husband, which was a mistake on so many levels, but he was a fairly heavy smoker too, and although may have thought my smoking was excessive, he was an alcoholic and usually too drunk or disinterested to care.

I recognize now that I had all the signs of addictive behavior when I was young, and to more than just smoking. I know someone wanted me to "keep on topic" - but its hard because sometimes the other things in life are the excuses that we use for ourselves smoke. For me the context can be very important in understand why it is that someone is so addicted to cigarettes, or other things.  I often told myself that there were far worse things to be addicted to than cigarettes. It was a poor excuse, but when I was first married, I was geting into drugs, and was kinda starting sliding into addiction rapidly when the marriage ended and I was left out on my own. Although I never had an arrest, or anything like that, I had a few near overdose situations, often involving a combination of drugs and alcohol, and I had more than a few trips to the hospital.

The first time I went to rehab right after my divorce and after I dropped out of college for a semester, I felt like cigarettes were my only friend. Back then the rehab facility I went to allowed people to smoke in most places. For me at the time, it was almost like smoking is how I got through rehab. Everyone else in rehab smoked, and many of our Counselors smoked themselves. I found that to be both very comforting and very telling of how much people can find themselves needing cigqarettes.

I was smoking more than ever when I left rehab and started to get my act back together, and re-enroll in school. To help pay the tuition I got a part time job as a file clerk, at a storage facility where most I would spend most evenings by myself in a rundown office that was inside a musty old warehouse, and nobody really cared if I smoked there while reading or studying for class. It was clear that people had been smoking in that dank, ratty, little warehouse filing office for decades, and no one was going to care if I chain smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on my shift.

Smoking was, and still is, a huge part of my life. I smoke a cigarette when I first get up, then another, then another, then I start getting ready. Part way through my morning routine I often have another cigarette, then another while I make a pot of coffee, then another while I drink the first cup of coffee, then another while I drink the next cup, then another when Im done. This routine is insane and I know it, but I feel like Ive done it for years. All of that just before I leave my apartment, always with a lit cigarette in my mouth, then Id smoke in my car the whole way while commuting to school or work, often four or five cigarettes, sometimes six. The day pretty much just keeps going from there, one cigarette after the other.

Lately my job has involved me spending ALOT of time driving for hours and hours to various storage buildings, digging through files, doing days upon days of mindless document review as part of discovery that lasts for weeks at a time. Then I just get shipped off to another document center or warehouse to spend another several weeks. Driving hours a day to get there and hours to get back provides a lot of time for a chain smoker like me to fuel my addiction. And even still more than half of the more seedy document storage centers turn a blind eye to people smoking while in there, since the few employees usually there tend to be smokers themselves.

After a long day of chainsmoking and reviewing documents, I end up taking any copies of documents I was allowed to make, along with any notes I have back to my motel, where I summarize the findings for several more hours. Essentially its glorified paralegal work, until the late late hours of the night, with nothing but cigarettes, and coffee, and cigarettes, and redbull, and cigarettes to keep me going. Then I try to sleep for maybe 4 or 5 hours, at most, and get right back to it again.

With days and nights like this it should be easy to see how someone like me can finish three packs a day, sometimes four. Its awful, downright terrible even, and my lungs punish me for it, even though Im not even 30 yet. None of that makes it ok, and none of that makes it right or justifable or acceptable. It just is what it is.

But for now, I will just try to keep it under three packs today, while being ashamed and embarassed at my failure to gain control of myself and my addictions.
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874521 tn?1424120397
honey, we're not here to judge, we are all addicts or former addicts of one substance or another....it is possible to quit tho not easy, I fight this everyday of my life....I've quit many 100's of times in 45 years, this time I hope to God its for good, not being able to catch a full breath of air is very scary to say the least...yet I crave a cigarette, I associate every single thing I do with smoking.
I hope one day soon you will WANT to stop, stop before your lungs have irreparable damage....the first step hon is to want to stop, than the work really starts....
make that choice before its too late...... ♥
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1565702 tn?1295296430
This quitting roller coaster is driving me crazy. After my last post I managed to shame and punish myself into keeping an "absolute limit" of not smoking more than two and a half packs of cigarettes a day. After nearly two weeks of successfully keeping myself to 50 or less a day, I set what I thought was a reasonable goal of slowly cutting back on how much I smoked, since my other efforts to cut back were too sudden to be successful.

So instead I decided that I would make a self imposed limit of 2 and a half packs a day for the month of March, then decrease by one cigarette each month for the rest of the year, with the hopeful goal to be able to reliably get by on 2 packs a day (or less) by December. Even with all my manic gum chewing and pill popping and sleepless nights yearning for more cigarettes, I finally caved in and said that I need to slow down the rate of my decrease, to give me more time to ease into it.

I will admit this past friday night I went on something of a binge, having already smoked 2 packs by the time I left work at 6pm and headed straight to the bar to meet a friend from out of town. I had already worn my favorite mini-pencil skirt and questionably professional stilleto heels to work without pantyhose and felt frisky and self confident enough to go out as is. I think Im going to have to add more conservative dress to my list of things I need personal improvement on, but either way, my friend and I managed to meet so cute guys that night, and I fell back to my nervous crutch of cigarettes to help me ease myself through awkward conversations. I know thats wrong. I guess it was just my luck that this bar had an actual cigarette vending machine in the back, I hadnt seen those in years, since when I was in middle school and used to get my cigarettes from them. Anyways, one drink led to two then three then four and so on for the rest of the evening until, and similarly, one pack let to two, then, embarassingly having to buy a third pack three, before my memory sorta blanks out around 2am when I think the bar closed. Either way, Im just glad that I managed to get home safe, because I dont remember driving and it could of been bad.

I felt awful all day saturday, particularly saturday morning, and my throat felt terribly raw and throbbing like Ive never felt before and my chest felt painfully tight again like it felt a few months ago when I first started getting worried that I might have been smoking too much and really damaging my lungs. I knew I needed to get back on the quitting-waggon. I thought about writing some pity filled post, declaring how Id just throw in the towel and give in to my cigarette addiction; but instead I decided that I needed to just keep on with the plan. I didnt want to be a slave to 3 packs a day for the rest of my life - so I had to own up to it, and continue with my 50 a day or less plan and keep gradually cutting back until I reach the goal.

So after a pity party Saturday, in which I only smoked 48 cigarettes because my throat was still so sore, and a suprisingly alright sunday where I managed to keep it to an even 50 for the day; I had what I would call great success on monday - when I managed to smoke only 46 all day, and was about to light up the 47th as I went to bed, when I said to myself that I was done and would save it for the next morning. Although I thought about that cigarette as I went to sleep, and eventually woke up at 4am on a tuesday and ended up having it then. So far Im only half way through my second pack today, and I have every reason to believe that I can keep it to less that 50 before bedtime. I know this doesnt sound like the greatest achievement - but I feel like Im making progress, psychologically if not otherwise.
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1638677 tn?1309837048
Hi Stephanie,

You remind me a lot of me when I was in my 20s. I am now in my 40s and have only recently managed to quit smoking. I smoked 50+ per day for 31 years but those 50+ a day cost me about $30 a day as I am in Australia and they are very expensive here.

You worry me as you already have the cancer gene in your family and even with this knowledge, it has not been enough to assist you to quit. I know you know it deep down but it really is important with that knowledge that you address your smoking and I realise that you are.

Every time you cut down you are succeeding. You are not necessarily succeeding in quitting but you are succeeding by discovering that you CAN cut down. I don't think you want to take the long journey I have but I will tell you how I managed to get to the point where I knew I could quit.

The first thing you need to do is address your self esteem I think. Not being able to quit or even cut down is not because you are lacking in will power. Some of it is but nicotine is a highly addictive drug comparable to cocaine, heroin etc. The psychological addiction I have read often is even worse.

The first thing to remember every time you smoke is not that you are smoking to relax, relieve boredom, relieve tension, celebrate an event etc etc. The ONLY reason you are smoking (for the most part) is to stave off nicotine withdrawal. You are NOT smoking to relieve stress...in fact nicotine is a stimulant that will only heighten your stress/anxiety, increase insomnia and so on. You believe it decreases stress because you feel more relaxed after you have smoked however many you choose to squeeze into the limited time you have on your breaks in you endeavour to make it longer until the next withdrawals begin. You feel less tension because you have staved off the nicotine withdrawals.

Nicotine withdrawals can be so uncomfortable you are constantly smoking so as to never allow your body to enter that state. We go into withdrawal within 20 minutes of smoking the last cigarette so I guess constantly smoking means you are never experiencing withdrawal.

The fear of not smoking is part of the addiction and part of the thinking.

If I were you I would try cutting down on the amount of nicotine that is in your cigs first. If you smoke 12 mg cigarettes, cut back to 8 mg and so on.

I know some people can quit cold turkey and I even understand it is better to quit cold turkey because that way once you go through the physical withdrawal stage you then only need to conquer the psychological addiction. I don't think this is for everyone though. Some people do not seem to be as physically addicted as others. Women tend to have a harder time with the physical addiction than men it seems to me. From what I have read, from feedback and just from observations I have found that to be true. I don't know if this is scientifically proven but it is what I believe. Also it must feel great to quit cold turkey and I imagine if I had done it that way I would be gloating about it too!

So with you Stephanie to me it seems

1/ You certainly need to address your anxiety and lack of confidence professionally.

I think once you set yourself some goals and see that you CAN do it (as you are currently by attempting to cut down) then your confidence will grow and your fear of quitting will start to dissipate. I don't think the fear ever goes away though. There is quite a grieving process involved for some people that give up cigarettes or even consider giving up cigarettes. For instance with me I work in a doctors surgery but previously worked in the music industry. One career path practically encouraged smoking (in the day!) but the other career path..well you can't go into a doctor's surgery and have the receptionist stinking of smoke, can you? What doctor would employ a girl that reeks of smoke to work for him? When I changed careers I made damn sure I chose one that was not amenable to smoking. Drastic step changing your career esp if you have chosen law so prob not something you want to pursue.....! Anyway, set a goal at work such as I will only have one morning break per day to start with...your morning break is 15 mins....and that is it..no more cigs then until your lunch break. You can do that. You can def do that. Once you see you can achieve that continue on that path for a while and when you feel you can do it...add the same philosophy to your afternoon break...and so on.

Baby steps...you will slowly but surely increase your confidence.

2/ Don't feel that what works for one person works for everyone. It doesn't. Try anything and everything. Learn from your mistakes and continue to set small goals for yourself. Don't beat yourself up for failing but look at mistakes as learning experiences. Right now you are constantly beating yourself up because I think what u r constantly striving for is pretty impossible to achieve...you don't have the mindset to stick to 49 per day. (I think anyone would think..what diff would one more make?....) Does anyone? Make smaller goals such as the morning break one, like I said...or as you have done..allow yourself only 5 cigs before work and stick to it. Don't make day long goals...just baby steps. Make a goal you know you can achieve but in some way it is still an achievement.

Start with that and then I will give you some more advice.

So Monday at work (I don't know your weekend routine or I would start with tomorrow)...for your morning break you are only going to have one, okay?

See how you go with that.

Viola
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1638677 tn?1309837048
one morning break I mean...how long do you "officially" get? Usually it is 10-15 minutes so for your morning break, don't have five breaks...have one break until lunch.

also I might add I get the impression sometimes you are smoking instead of eating. Am I correct?

Another thing..alcohol is a major trigger. It is like bread and butter to us. Don't try to not smoke when u r drinking. Not yet anyway. It would be better not to drink at all but that is a bit further away yet!
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1638677 tn?1309837048
By the way, my father smoked about 75 per day from 11 years of age (well when I knew him it was that many - prob not when he was 11!) and his quit day was the day Princess Di was killed. He has not smoked since so since he did it I believe ANYONE can do it. I even think with me doing it, anyone can do it. I had pretty much given up all hope with me.

You CAN do it..it is possible no matter how hooked we are!
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1565702 tn?1295296430
Confession:

I gave up on trying to quit smoking almost fifteen months ago, it was just too hard trying to artificially limit myself to less than three packs a day. Also, Not long after my last post over a year ago I was in a car wreck while driving back from a bar and I got a dwi. I've gotten dwis before, two while in college, and I thought I had learned my lesson.

The stress over my third dwi caused my chain smoking to really get out of hand and I got to  where smoking four or sometimes four and a half packs a day was all I could do to keep from driving myself crazy. I can say for sure that as bad as three and a half packs a day used to make me feel, it's nowhere near as rough as four and a half packs a day. When I smoked that much it was like my cigarettes literally ruled my life.

Fortunately my first dwi was just over ten years ago, so this most recent dwi only counts as my second dwi, not my third, so the punishment isn't quite as severe. I still lost my license for a year, had to pay thousands of dollars in jail times and had to do several weekends of community service, mostly picking up cigarette butts in the park. I'm also supposed to go to AA meetings, but I feel so guilty at those meetings that the first thing I do when I get home is have a few drinks to help myself unwind. I know that's so wrong, but it's true.

On top of that I nearly lost my job after the dwi, in fact I'm lucky I didn't get fired, only put on probation.

Needless to say all of that was far too stressful to try to quit smoking, so I just let myself slip back into my three to three and a half pack a day cigarette addiction, because it was the one thing giving me any comfort.

Maybe when I'm forty I'll think about trying to quit  smoking again, but I just don't think I have the strength to try to give up my cigarettes again, I just need them too much.


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242912 tn?1402547092
Honey, all I can say is I hope you are still alive when you're forty.  
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Besides cutting down, switch to a less addictive cigarette. Get someone you trust to Hide your ID from yourself. Honestly though a fresher environment might be key i suggest possibly moving. If not possible wait about one month before you pursue cardiovascular exercises. Cig on the occasion gorgeous not after every case or Case study accomplished. After sex or that occasional party.
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1565702 tn?1295296430
I hope Im alive when Im 40 too Jade59, but I have no hope of making it.

I figure my days are numbered by genetics anyways. My biological father died from pancreatic cancer when he was just 44. He smoked like I do, but it still wasnt lung cancer that got him. That used to seem so old to me, but now being in my thirties, that so young its frightening.

I may try switching to less addictive cigarettes, but honestly nothing gets me what I need like Marlboros. I tried getting by on just two packs of Marlboros for the weekend, and I thought I was practically on a diet. I was having cravings and headaches from the nicotine withdrawal. It was pretty sad really. I eventually caved in and ended up opening that third pack of cigs like the pathetic addict I am.
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242912 tn?1402547092
I wish you the best, Stephanie.  Maybe someday you will return telling us you quit.  Just imagine :)

I am saying a prayer for your health as I type...
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I know how you feel, its so hard to keep falling off the wagon and end up smoking again. Ive been smoking for 25 years since I was a teenager, and about a year ago I tried to quit seriously for the first time when I turned 40.

I had an 9 year old daughter who I caught sneaking cigarettes out of my purse more than once and besides just grounding her for doing something I did myself, I knew I had to do something to show her she didn't have to be addicted to cigarettes like I was.

So far thats been a real hit or miss proposition for me, mostly miss. Trying the patch, then smoking anyways. Trying the gum, then smoking anyways after a few days. Trying the ecigarettes, but then falling back on buying another pack again within a few days. It never works and I always come back to my cigarettes.

But whether Im ever successfully quit or not is not the point, the point is that I have tried to quit. And that I am willing to keep trying to quit, even after I keep buying myself pack after pack of cigarettes saying that this will be the last one. If you ever quit trying to quit smoking, thats when hope has been lost.

So don't lose hope! I may have thrown in the towel on my quit efforts for this year, but Im ready to try to quit again with next New Years. You can too!  Whether you ever actually successfully quit is totally irrelevant, don't worry about that! Just keep believing and keep trying!
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1565702 tn?1295296430
Almost a year since I posted last, and Im ashamed to say Im smoking more now than before. Like I can't seem to get by on less than three to three and a half packs a day. Its like just can't stop smoking, or wanting to smoke, or needing another cigarette every half hour and I think I've given up on giving up.

Who am I even kidding. When I say "3 packs a day" I really mean, more like AT LEAST "three and a half packs a day". And when I say three and a half packs a day, I should just call it what it is. I opening and smoking nearly all the cigarettes in at least four packs each and every day.

Thats a disturbing way to think about it, but probably fair. The whole 3 pack a day versus 4 pack a day issue became clearer to me when I was talking to a cute guy at the outdoor patio area of a bar, where I was doing what I always do when I go out, and just smoking one cigarette right after the other, until I finished off a pack and opened another. He was a really cute guy but a non-smoker, and just looked in astonishment when I opened the pack and he asked me how much I smoked and gave my usual "oh, like two or three packs a day" kinda lie. He laughed and said, "so you mean three packs a day" and I sheepishly grinned and said "yeah, I guess I should just admit that its more like three and a half packs a day"... when he just said "..and a half?... you can't open just a half a pack now can you, so don't you actually mean you are basically opening and smoking four packs a day of cigarettes?"

I thought about it for a minute, and he was more right than he knew.

"Four packs a day... you smoke Four packs a day...thats what you might as well call it" he said with a sneer. "Its kinda pathetic, but I really just feel sorry for you. But just think about it, unless you smoke exactly half that pack, and not a single cigarette more, then you are really having to open at least four packs almost every single day." I didn't want to admit how right he was, but it was true. I hadn't just been stoping at exactly half of that last pack, right at seventy cigarettes and not a single one more. Id usually smoke one then two then three then four more after that, sometimes five. Seventy five. Seventy five cigarettes a day.

I've been smoking about seventy five cigarettes a day these past several months. Sometimes I go ahead and finish that fourth pack. But I may save that last cigarette of the pack so I can tell myself that I didn't really smoking four packs a day. But its all a lie. Its all just a psychological mind game I play with myself to make myself feel better about all my smoking.

Might as well call a spade a spade. This girl here is apparently the worst kinda of spade, the four pack a day kind who's in denial about her nicotine addiction. And I can already feel it begining to take its toll on my health in a way I hadn't noticed just a few years ago. I find myself wheezing often, coughing at regular intervals, and generally far far shorter of breath than Id like to be. Even walking a flight of stairs can get me winded. I'd like to say that its just because Im out of shape or blame it on the height of my heels, but thats clearly not it. Its clear that its the cigarettes that are doing this to my lungs. But at the same time that I find my breathing shorter and tighter, I also find it easier and easier to keep smoking three and apparently four packs a day. Maybe its just my body needing the nicotine so badly that it will do whatever it takes.

But its so bad, some times I just can't imagine life without my cigarettes. I went on a date with a guy to a movie a few months ago, and I had to leave to take a smoke break four different times during the movie. One of them was during the previews, but the others were during the movie itself. I found myself thinking about wanting a cigarette even more often than that, and trying to contain myself to just stepping out for a quick cigarette or two every half hour or so during the movie. My date was a light smoker, one of those five cigs a day kinda guys, and he just laughed at me. Said it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen, watching me scramble around for cigarettes to suck down. I tried to play it off cool, but I know that I didn't. Guy hasn't called me back since. Maybe he figures Im just a ticking timebomb of lung cancer and better off without me.

So then I find myself alone, and depressed, again. Cigarettes my only friends. Friends that hurt me, rob me, take my breath away one after the other after the other, sixty, seventy, eighty cigarettes a day. It gets me by, while I remain in shame for my addiction and hopeless that it ever gets any better.
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242912 tn?1402547092
Hi Steph, good to see you posting.  You don't sound like you're in near the denial you used to be...which is progress.  And you're right, this is Really bad what you're doing to yourself.  80 cigs a day is...is...oh dear, makes me sick just reading it. You are not hopeless either.  You are just not ready.  We will be here when you are.  

I don't remember if anyone shared this article with you from whyquit, so here it is.  Hugs...

  
My Cigarette, My Friend?"


    How do you feel about a friend who has to go everywhere with you? Not only does he tag along all the time, but since he is so offensive and vulgar, you become unwelcome when with him. He has a peculiar odor that sticks to you wherever you go. Others think both of you stink.

    He controls you totally. When he says jump, you jump. Sometimes in the middle of a blizzard or storm, he wants you to come to the store and pick him up. You would give your spouse hell if he or she did that to you all the time, but you can't argue with your friend. Sometimes, when you are out at a movie or play he says he wants you to go stand in the lobby with him and miss important scenes. Since he calls all the shots in your life, you go. Your friend doesn't like your choice of clothing either. Instead of politely telling you that you have lousy taste, he burns little holes in these items so you will want to throw them out. Sometimes, he tires of the furniture and gets rid of it too. Occasionally, he gets really nasty and decides the whole house must go.

    He gets pretty expensive to support. Not only is his knack of property destruction costly, but you must pay to keep him with you. In fact, he will cost you thousands of dollars over your lifetime. And you can count on one thing, he will never pay you a penny in return.

    Often at picnics you watch others playing vigorous activities and having lots of fun doing them. But your friend won't let you. He doesn't believe in physical activity. In his opinion, you are too old to have that kind of fun. So he kind of sits on your chest and makes it difficult for you to breathe. Now you don't want to go off and play with other people when you can't breathe, do you?

    Your friend does not believe in being healthy. He is really repulsed by the thought of you living a long and productive life. So every chance he gets he makes you sick. He helps you catch colds and flu. Not just by running out in the middle of the lousy weather to pick him up at the store. He is more creative than that. He carries thousands of poisons with him which he constantly blows in your face. When you inhale some of them, they wipe out cilia in your lungs which would have helped you prevent these diseases.

    But colds and flu are just his form of child's play. He especially likes diseases that slowly cripple you—like emphysema. He considers this disease great. Once he gets you to have this, you will give up all your other friends, family, career goals, activities—everything. You will just sit home and caress him, telling him what a great friend he is while you desperately gasp for air.

    But eventually your friend tires of you. He decides he no longer wishes to have your company. Instead of letting you go your separate ways, he decides to kill you. He has a wonderful arsenal of weapons behind him. In fact, he has been plotting your death since the day you met him. He picked all the top killers in society and did everything in his power to ensure you would get one of them. He overworked your heart and lungs. He clogged up the arteries to your heart, brain, and every other part of your body. In case you were too strong to succumb to this, he constantly exposed you to cancer causing agents. He knew he would get you sooner or later.

    Well, this is the story of your "friend," your cigarette. No real friend would do all this to you. Cigarettes are the worst possible enemies you ever had. They are expensive, addictive, socially unacceptable, and deadly. Consider all this and NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!

Joel
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63984 tn?1385441539
There is an easy way to quit, just break a store window, hit the cop that comes.  That's not really an answer...

I quit a pack a day habit when I was ushered into a Cath lab of a hospital with my first heart attack.  I was twenty years older than you, but based on your hx you will be there soon.  When that happens, you may find it easier to quit.  Based on your four pack habit, I rather think you might not worry about relationships, as you will soon start looking like a yellow onion, I'm sorry to say. That's not very attractive, and I bet it won't attract law partners.
That said, it is reversible.  You can quit, millions and millions of us have and extended our life years.    
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Do you ever smoke more than 4 packs in a day?
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You shouldn't be ashamed because of your addiction, Stephanie.  No one is perfect.  Stop beating yourself up about it and being depressed.  You seem like a very good person with a kind heart and a great personality.  Contrary to public opinion, there is nothing wrong with having a nicotine addiction.  It is what it is and you are who you are.  Just take it one day at a time.
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1565702 tn?1295296430
desolation24, Im glad to hear that its possible for someone to believe theres nothing wrong with having a nicotine addiction. You are so right that it really is just who I am. I have been a smoker most of my life, and will probably be condemned to be a smoker for the rest of my life, no matter how hard I may try to convince myself otherwise.

This 4th of July weekend was basically case in point. I was really hopeful that I might be able to not have to smoke more than three packs a day when going over to a family BBQ, but the stress of being around my family got to me and I was chain smoking like a chimney with a pathetic deathwish. By the time the kids were shooting off fireworks, I had already finished my 4th pack of the day and actually had to drive to the convenience store down the street to buy some more.

I feel like I must be the worst rolemodel in the world sometimes. When I left for more cigarettes on July 4th, I took my nine year old niece with me, and felt guilty when I took her to the counter and asked for two packs, then corrected myself and said I might as well take three packs with a sigh. I realised she was behind me, smiling, getting a kick out of my overly dramatic flair. But it was only when we getting back in the car, and I was lighting up just as soon as she and I had closed the doors, that I saw the way she looked at me as I was lighting the cigarette, almost like she was taking notes. But she wasn't taking notes about somebody that she didn't want to be. She was watching me smoke, one cigarette after the other, and seeing in me someone that she admired. She even told me so, although not about the cigarettes, just about me being cool and funny and smart. Which are nice compliments, but I am not dumb enough to think that when she sees me smoking cigarette after cigarette, one pack after another, that she isn't getting the message that smokers are cool. Smokers are awesome. She's picking up that vibe, even if I told her not to, and there's nothing I can do about it. If I tell her not to smoke, and keep smoking in front of her, she wouldn't believe me. To her, she sees me as a cool person, and a smoker, and Im sure puts the two together just like I did when I was her age.

But smokers aren't cool. Were addicts. Were dependant upon this plant to make it through the day. Its ridiculous, but I can't escape it. And it makes me sad everytime I try to lie to myself and say that its "not a big deal" that I smoke FOUR packs a day. I can tell myself its less, but its not. Its four. Its insane really. I mean literally.

Travis, you want to know how much I smoked on July 4th? I don't really know for sure. I am honestly embarassed to admit it, because I was drinking heavily again, but I think it was right at 105 cigarettes before midnight. I kept on smoking after that, till 2am or so until I only had five cigarettes left in the second pack that my nine year old neice and I had bought at the convenience store earlier that night. But I was so drunk, I may have lost count. My throat was so inflamed, its probably a good think I was drinking, because Im sure I couldnt have done it otherwise.

But yes, Jade, you are right. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to quit yet, and so I remain condemned to keep smoking and ruining my health for yet another year, because I am too weak willed to ever let go of my friends.

Flycaster, you are right, I know where this is headed, and it doesn't end with me meeting mr right. He doesnt want a chainsmoking, wheezing, pasty colored, drunken ball of raw nerve and stressed out lawyer barely making it by. Thats not an appealing sight for anyone, no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise. I wish I was turning into a yellow onion or whatever your anology was, because Im pretty sure thatd' be more attractive to a man than the road I'm headed down. Its pretty pathetic really. Thats about the best word for it. Now if you'll excuse me, Im pretty sure I need to pick up another carton of cigarettes on my way home from the office, because thats all the company I'm going to have tonight.  
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242912 tn?1402547092
You sound so sad and alone, Stephanie.  Reading your last post with all the alcohol (on top of the smoking), I also see stomach ulcers in your future.  Shortly after becoming a member in this community, I was in a life or death situation due to undiagnosed (and ignored) ulcers.  Made it IMPOSSIBLE to smoke or eat and I lost 20lbs.  Putting anything down my throat was complete and utter torture for months.  I have to be careful still, 6 yrs later.    

I will not give up on you, Stephanie.  I will continue to hope and pray I will see a post one day, you are "ready".      
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You are not a pathetic person in any way, Stephanie.  You are just doing the best you can.  Nicotine addiction affects people in different ways.  Just because four packs or more is the amount of nicotine that your body needs doesn't mean you're not a good person.  Just be yourself, smoke what you need, and don't put yourself down.  The more you stress yourself over quitting, the worse it will be.  You'll quit when you're ready, and you'll know when that is.  I'm sure you'll be quite a catch for a lucky man someday.
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Thank you so much for your reply Stephanie.  I would really like to get to know you better.  I really hope that this post doesn't come off as weird or creepy.  I would love to find a woman who smokes like you.  I think smoking is the sexiest thing a woman can do.  If you could message me on here, if you want, that would be so amazing.
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1565702 tn?1295296430
Thanks again for everybody's support. I feel like such a failure publicly admitting that I'm just about ready to throw in the towel on even trying to cut back on my constant chain smoking, at least for a few more years, but I appreciate everyone's kind words. I'm sure whenever I get diagnosed with lung cancer in my early forties, barely a decade away, I'll look back and remember how unwilling I was to committ to really trying to quit smoking and only beat myself up even more.  

Desolation, its funny that you mention it, but sometimes it really does feel like I have to have at least four packs a day or I can't keep my head straight. The idea that I could be a catch for any man someday almost made me laugh out loud. Travis, its very sweet of you to say that you think my smoking is sexy, I've actually had an ex-boyfriend tell me that before too, so its not the first time I've heard it; but I've never really thought of this as a dating site. Maybe I've just had too many bad experiences with guys on the internet; or maybe I'm just too down on dating, and down on myself to really be into anybody else right now. I'm also the worst at replying to private messages on these boards, since I only check it sporatically, but I do try to (eventually) get back to folks, whenever convenient. But for whatever its worth, I don't think its weird or creepy that you like smoking, I mean, most smokers prefer to date and hang out with other smokers, and as a life long smoker, I pretty much fall into that catagory too. I'm pretty sure I could never seriously date a non smoker.  

In any event, I guess I don't have to worry about that, since about the only date I'm gonna have anytime soon is with another bottle of vodka and a carton of cigarettes alone in front of my tv chainsmoking and getting drunk until I pass out, like I do just about every other night. A fake-friend from work told me I should start going to AA meetings with her, but I told her I probably wouldn't like it, because they'd probably frown upon my binge drinking and won't let me smoke at meetings. I couldn't stop laughing after I told her that, but for some reason she didn't think it was very funny.
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Thank you for your reply Stephanie, and for your kind words as well, I rarely get them.  Acceptance is a good thing, it is the first step on the road to happiness.  
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5800796 tn?1375219917
Hi, Stephanie. I have read almost all of messages from this thread. And i think have what to write. Actually, i registered on this site for ask another question, but saw your story in recommendations and decided write first here.  

(Attention: English is not my native language, therefore in advance, sorry for some of mistakes or any confusing. Hope, you will understand me in anyways)

First of all, I’m also smoker, but not so much like you. Just average 1 pack a day. And i think now i have control for my addiction and i even can’t smoke 1 or 2 days long. And i know about how hard to quit. Its look strange, when smoker write to other smoker about quit. But i’m sure, its a good way, which can help to quit (or reduce amount of cigs). And your addiction looks really terribly.

Of course, all of smokers(or almost all) hopes on miracle - they will not be “punished” for diseases associated with smoking. To us, is always reminding about these diseases on packs, but it has no effect. For example, i never look on pack and i even don’t know about “wish” for me on pack on this time. And its a stupid. But who has a “longevity gene”, so, such people more lucky than others. And they can have all of possible bad habits without consequences. For example, Keith Richards from The Rolling Stones, smoke more than 50 years, and many many cigarretes on day, maybe 3 packs a day(he with cigarettes on most pics) And looks healthy in his 70 years old and can play 2 hours gigs. Here two things. First, He have unbelievable health(after many years of smoking, drinking and drug use), and the next, he have a lot of money, for treatment. So, if you have one of that (or both) you try to check your longevity gene.  However, you wrote, that two your relatives died due cancer. And probably you not have so much health for this. You need go to doctor and check your heart and lungs, just to know that all OK (or not..)

And you smoke 4 packs a day, as you wrote and this quite much. You must answer for the question, you really need smoke so much or not? Many of people have stress much more than you, but they are smoke less or even not smoke. Even with such huge amount of cigs per day, i think you can quit very quick. One more example from music. Lemmy from Motorhead, smoked many years and a lot, but in one day, he’s understood what tired of that. And quit. Just for one day! can repeat this trick? And i hope the last motivity example from music. Ringo Starr smoked 3 packs a day maybe until 40 years, but quit and now he’s 73 y.o and he looks happy and healthy. Therefore, Stephanie, if you quit now, you can get a good chance to live pretty long without serious health problem. Also i know, that for womens more hardly to quit then for mens, but it doesn’t mean that you no need need to try it.
And need to understand that smoking is bad for you. How understand it? So it looks for me in several ways. (of course, some of members on this thread already told about something, and maybe it just a summery)

First, As i said before, i not think that health is a main reason to quit. Because while we are healthy, we don’t think about future. (its mistake meaning, but all of smokers thinks so). Therefore one of the main reasons its a money. Just imagine how many interesting things you can buy, if you quit smoking. I don’t know about price on cigarettes in US, but in Russia (actually when i life) pack of Marlboro you can buy for 2$. 2$ x 4 packs a day x 365 days =2920$. Wow! It’s a really huge. (Its a price on Macbook pro in Russia).
Second, In your live must be some event in the future, which you want to see. It must be after 10 or after 20 years. Something big. You wrote, that not sure about your life after 40 years and its a sad. You must think about that.
Third. You can take a hobby. It can be anything: photography, music, writing and so on. Check the story about girl, who mad 180 websites for 180 days. (now 120). http://blog.jenniferdewalt.com/ Or if your lungs allow to you - go to gym. All of this can reduce amount of cigarettes.

At the same time, I’m not to blame you, Stephanie that you smoke, because smokers must support to each other. And i so tired from non-smokers who consider smokers like people from “low level”. Some of people allows to yourself nazi remarks to smokers. And its a terrible. Nobody wants to respect our choice.

So, in anyway, you can decide yourself what to do. Most of i wrote, of course, you know about it well, but you also know what you need to quit, and don’t solve this problem. Also(and primarily), you must stop drinking. But I have nothing to say about that,because, i’m not drink.

I believe that you can reduce amount of cigs(you did it two years ago) or even quit. And also i believe and hope that your life will long and happy. Good luck!

Sergey.
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How are things going Stephanie, we haven't hear from you in a while?
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1565702 tn?1295296430
Sorry its been a while. I guess its just more of the same with me. I can't quit smoking and keep trying to make myself accept the fact that I never will.

Sergey, you are right, four packs a day is way too much. My doesn't just Addiction look really terrible, it is really terrible. I hear you on the doctor thing. Ive been really worried about that myself lately, because Ive been feeling really short of breath sometimes just walking a short distance. I can tell my breathing problems are getting alot worse.  The fact that this is already happening to me so early in my 30s is absolutely horrifying.

But I know I can't ever stop smoking. I've pretty much given up on trying to force myself to smoke less than three or four packs a day for the rest of this year. Its not like 32 will be anything special, but maybe next year or the following will be a better time to think about maybe just trying to limit myself to three packs a day. I say that now, but when I am honest with myself, I literally cannot imagine how hard it would be to not smoke at least three packs a day. I can barely go half an hour without needing another cigarette.

Even my friends make fun of me. Yesterday I was at a friends house watching the Dallas Cowboys football game on tv, because she and her boyfriend were hosting a little party. (and she wanted to introduce me to a cute guy). So Im all dressed up, in my little tight fitting Tony Romo jersey, and the shortest, tightest jean skirt I could find in my closet, and then put on the tallest pair of high heels I own, which was almost four inches of heel.  Just as I slipped my bare feet into the sky high heels, which I hadn't worn in a year, I just knew my poor feet were going to be covered in blisters by the end of the day. Looking at myself before I left, I thought I looked almost alright, except the pale white skin of my bare legs shining light a beacon of unhealthiness. But whatever, I was out to get me a mans.

I probably should have just left when I found out that the guy my friend was trying to set me up with is a non smoker. My friends' boyfriends house is nonsmoking, but they have a large covered patio outside where people were going to smoke while watching the football game on the big screen tv. So I was trying to make small talk with this cute guy, while seeing people out on the patio enjoying their cigarettes, and it was almost too much for me to bear. Eventually he commented on it and jokingly said "hey, Ive seen you eyeing the smokers out there for the past fifteen minutes, looks like you really need a cigarette". I excused myself and went outside to smoke quickly, then hurried back inside.

I tried my "hardest" to not smoke too much around this really cute guy, but it hardly worked at all. I felt like I was dying for a cigarette almost the whole time, even with several smoke breaks. By the end of the game, I had smoked 11 cigarettes in about 3 hours. That was me trying to restrain myself. How pathetic.

The cute guy joked with me that he'd never seen anybody smoke so much, at least not since college. I just smiled, and joked that I had started smoking 'regularly' in college, since that wasn't that long ago. I was trying to be cute. But instead, he just said "No kidding? I thought you looked good for your early forties." I just about cried, and wasn't sure if he was joking. I hoped he was. I joked with him that I wasn't that desperate yet, because I'd just turned 30 a year ago. Turns out he wasn't joking.  He was trying to be diplomatic, but just said it was probably just the smokers lines on my face that threw him off. He tried to smile it off, but I felt insulted. Even if it was true.

How demoralizing is it that a guy trying to flirt with me told me that I looked ten years older than I really am, because of what smoking has done to my face and skin.

But that isnt even the worst of it. Just this morning I had a doctors appointment. I had been meaning to schedule a checkup and pap smear after my 30th birthday over a year ago, but I just kept putting it off. When I went in there, after I lied to the doctor and told him I only smoked "2 packs a day" or so, he said he wanted to check my blood pressure.

My blood pressure was 160/90. Thats stage 2 hypertension. My doctor was shocked that my blood pressure was so high for my early 30s. He wanted to put me on blood pressure medication immediately. He then asked about other symptoms I might have had. Yes, Id had tingling and numbness in my left hand fingers from time to time. Yes, Id had trouble breathing. Yes, Id have tightness in my chest. Yes, I did drink alcohol daily. Yes, I got winded walking up a flight of stairs. He also said he wanted to recommend me for a lung function test, because he thought there was a very real possibility that I might already have early stage emphesyma or COPD based on the symptoms Id reported.

Really? I cant have emphesyma yet, Im only 31! This is crazy. Its totally frightening, but its absolutely crazy.

But its not like there is anything I can do about it. The doctor told me that while lungs will heal if I quit, that unless I stop smoking completely, my lungs will never really begin to heal themselves. He also said that with emphesyema that often times damage done is permenant. That right there made up my mind for me. If the damage is inevitable, then why bother. If I have to go from smoking 70 to 80 cigarettes a day to absolute zero to get any real benefit, then why even bother trying to do the impossible. Sure, I might could manage to maybe, maybe get by on say 35-ish cigarettes a day, if I was wearing half a dozen nicotine patches and on some crazy good drugs to sedate myself. But there is literally zero possibility of me ever getting by on less than 30 cigarettes a day. Literally zero. I think I smoked more than that in high school. Even in an imaginary world where I might be able to somehow only need to smoke 20 cigarettes a day, the doctor said my lung condition would continue to deteriorate. So if my emphesyma is inevitable, why even bother trying to quit. Im not trying to be fatalistic about it, but seriously, there is nothing I can do to stop whats coming.

So that kinda puts me in a foul mood.

And to put icing on the cake, just starting today, we just got a new parking garage at my office. We have to park on the 4th floor, and there are no elevators. So I had to huff it down 4 flights of stairs in high heels, gasping and wheezing for air the whole time. I was dizzy by the end of it, and positively sucking air. I had to bend over when breathing to try to catch my breath. Then I started coughing. The kind of cough you usually get with a nasty winter cold that turns into bronchitis that I get every year. Honestly I felt a little absurd still trying to catch my breath while lighting a cigarette, but I just couldn't help myself. After a few minutes of taking shallow drags off my cigarette and standing still, I was able to feel well enough to walk across the street like a normal person.

Things like this scare me. I mean, it scares me alot. It scares me to the point that I seriously don't think there is a good chance of me making it to 40. But even with all of that, I still feel like I could ever just up and quit. And if I cant quit all the way, then why bother at all. Its just too much trouble to try and go through all that.

So thats where I am today. Feeling an impending sense of doom, and accepting that I am unable to do anything about it.

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5800796 tn?1375219917
If your doctor was shocked about your 160/90, he just don't know about me. In 19 years old i had 190/90 and nobody was shocked. Fortunately now i have almost normal BP, but who knows what will be next.

So, your blood pressure is high, your lungs are damaged and to go from bad to worse, you drink alcohol every day- All this together is sad because, probably you NOT have time to wait the next year. You have high probability what your life could be end at any time. And i don’t want to scare you or something like, but its a true, it's a sad true. in my last message i  was pretty “liberal” and told that you can still smoking if you want and if your health allow to you, but after your last message, similar words is impossible.
You have not much time to quit and i think you understand it. All of your words about “i know i can’t ever stop smoking” is rubbish, because many people in history of the world successfully quit smoking. You should go to another doctor who can help to you quit. And you should do it now.

Or you don’t want? Listen, You are 31 y.o, you can life at least 50 years and you really don’t want to see in our world in 2063 year? Maybe after 15 or 20 years with giant step in medicine, you will be able to recovery your lungs. Therefore, it makes sense to see to this. Hope you have people who care about you, because they can guide to you on right way.
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You aren't pathetic at all, Stephanie.  You shouldn't have to restrain yourself from smoking around anyone at all.  It's their loss if they can't accept you for who you are.  If someone can't accept your nicotine addiction, then you don't need them anyway.  You just haven't found the right person yet.  If you still enjoy smoking, just smoke what you need and focus on the enjoyment you get from smoking instead of the negative aspects.  It seems like trying to limit yourself to a certain amount of cigarettes has backfired in the past, so just listen to your body.  No one person can tell you or force you to quit, only you can do that, and if that time ever comes you'll know when it is.
Do be careful with the alcohol.  Heavy use every day will only lead to more problems, make your nicotine cravings worse, and make any existing health problems worse as well.  It definitely does not help in any way, shape, or form.  It may take your problems away for one evening, but they're right back the next day with a hangover to go with them.
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1565702 tn?1295296430
desolation24, I want to believe you so badly. Really I do. I want to have people who accept me for who I am, nicotine addiction or not, who doesn't mind that I enjoy smoking, and want to keep smoking, and really need to keep smoking one cigarette after the other just to make it through the day.

And you are so right that my past attempts to focus on cutting back number of cigarettes have always totaly backfired. I just get so OCD about it, I start counting everything and it gets awful. I tried limiting to 60, but then when that failed and I gave up, I was back up to 75 cigs a day, and lying to myself saying it wasnt "really" 80. Except when it really was, which was like almost every day after a while. Four packs a day is just plain stupid, but its how much I honest-to-god smoke every single day. Just admitting that online just about makes me want to cry. But to admit it while looking at my next pack of cigarettes in my purse that I want to go smoke them right this very instant. The only people I know my age who smoke anywhere near as much as me are people who either smoked meth, do coke, or otherwise take too many stimulants and amphetamines, like me, so that they are constantly wanting and needing to smoke more. But stimulants or not, I just don't see myself ever being able to get back to below four packs a day. I think I actually need to smoke that much just to keep myself from going off the deep end.

So, Im so torn when I obsess about cutting my numbers because when I don't, I get stupid and end up smoking even more. Oh god, its so wicked and awful, but Ive actually smoked five packs a day before. Not just once either. Not just that one time during the summer. Like more than that. Like, two or sometimes three days a week. I think my body thinks it always needs more and more nicotine. Like endlessly. Who the hell else smokes five packs a day except a girl hopelessly hopped up on amphatamines again to help with add, just like back in middle school and high school and college and law school. No wonder I started chain smoking as a middle schooler and it only got worse in high school and college and later. But I cant stop myself. Either I obsess about the numbers, then it backfires, and I end up smoking more and more; or I try to ignore the number of cigarettes Im smoking, and I just consume even more. Either way, Im trapped in a cycle of needing more cigarettes, wanting more cigarettes, obsessing about more cigarettes, and thinking about more cigarettes almost all day long.

Anytime I dont have a cigarette in my mouth, I want to have one there. Anytime I dont have a cigarette in my hand, I want to have one there.
Anytime I dont have cigarette smoke around me, I want to have it.
Anytime I cant taste my last cigarette still on my lips, I want another.

Its like somehow my hopeless obsession with needing to smoke more cigarettes has only gotten worse and worse these past few years, and I can barely take it.

So Im afraid that you are right. I really just have to find someone, one of these days, who is alright with the fact that I am destroying my health with smoking and cannot stop no matter what. Same with my drinking. But thats a rare bird indeed.

Sergey92, I know youa re right. I really do. I know that my blood pressure is terrible, and Im sorry to hear yours is too. It scares me to know that I might drop dead at any moment, but I guess I have no choice but to accept it. My lungs are ruined, and I cannot stop ruining them no matter how hard I try. I always need more cigarettes. I always think about wanting more cigarettes. Even when it hurts my chest to breathe, I cannot stop myself from wanting and needing more cigarettes. Even when my cough goes from bad to worse, I cannot stop myself from needing more cigarettes.

This is what I get for changing jobs to an office where Im technically an independent contractor, being leased my own office space in a small residential sized building with no other tenants and a landlord straight outta the seventies who doesn't care if I smoke non-stop in my tiny office. Better still, I don't have a creepy boss who is always asking me why I never wear pantyhose with my high heels while he stares at my legs and licks his lips. It didnt happen every day, even though I have literally never wear hose, but it happened enough to bother me. But, flip side was that he never busted me for constant smoke breaks. In fact, he let alot slide for me so that my needing to step out ever fifteen to twenty minutes for another cigarette never effected my performance review, and I suppose that came at a price of feeling his eyeballs looking me up and down everytime I walked by, but now thats gone. Now, nobody cares is I wear socks or hose or pants or skirts. Nobody cares whether Im showing pantylines or whether Im even wearing any at all, because I work alone now, and I love the solitude. Literally No one else is around, and hardly anyone comes by, so now I have finally been let loose to smoke as much as I want in my own office.

Smoking all day long at work has been both wonderful and terrible. My cigarette consumption has continued to sky rocket, and that makes me scared. Im about in tears as I say this, but I just lit another cigarette at my desk, so I'll tell the truth: I smoked 95 cigarettes yesterday, over half of them at the office.  I smoked 92 the day before, and 93 the day before. Its not "technically" a "full" five packs a day, but its damn close. Real damn close.

But thats what happens when you let a lonely, depressed, alcoholic, pill popping chainsmoker have an office by herself in a small building by herself where no body ever comes by. Shes smokes herself to death.

My cough has a rattle now that frightens me. I dont know if its me getting sick or what. When my new office landlord heard it a few weeks ago he told me I might want to get that checked out, because it sounded just like what his second wife's cough sounded like before she got lung cancer.

He said that she was only 46 years old when she died from lung cancer, many years ago and that she only smoked about two and a half packs a day back then. Sad really. He isn't a smoker, but he said both of his adult daughters are smokers, just like their mother was, so he can't complain about me smoking in his building, but that he wanted to warn me personally about lung cancer.

So yeah, I know whats coming for me. For all I know, it may already have me, I don't know. I know my smoking is going to kill me, painfully, but I really cannot stop. I mean, I suppose I could say that I know smoking is going to kill me, but I really just dont want to stop, but that doesnt seem right. Its not that I dont want to stop, its that I know that I cannot stop. I know that I can never beat this addiction, no matter how much I might want to, so I have to learn to accept my inevitable fate. Surely others here have had to come to grips with that themselves.

But thats where I find myself. Behind another cloud of smoke, coughing, wheezing, feeling like an ashtray, and being resigned to my inevitable fate. This must be what bleak hopelessness looks like.
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Stephanie, if you are happy, smoke as much as you want.  I am sure you will one day find someone that can accept your heavy smoking, I know I would.  
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You shouldn't be depressed or upset at all about being a heavy smoker, Stephanie.  If four or five packs is what you need every day, then smoke what you need and don't feel guilty or ashamed.  Since you can't quit, just focus on the pleasurable aspects of smoking and try to block out the negative ones.  I know it can't be easy with wheezing and a bad cough, but when they happen, just focus on your enjoyment of the cigarettes.  Just light up and inhale as often and as deeply as your body needs you to.  I think it's a good thing that you can smoke all day at work too without anyone bothering you and you don't have to walk outside all day.
Do be careful with the alcohol and amphetamines, however.  Just take one day at a time and do the best you can each day, and don't be ashamed of who you are.  It's all anyone can do.  If cigarettes make you happy, then that's all that matters.  You're going to be a real catch for a very lucky man.
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5800796 tn?1375219917
Your messages is really sad, Stephanie. You understand that smoking is going kill you, but not doing anything with this. And this is the main problem - you have never tried to quit. Your “attempts” in past about which you wrote two years ago its just a funny. And now, when your health growing worse you begin to smoke even more. You almost killed yourself and you want to finish it faster? It's a really unbelievable. I thought that every person have a self-preservation, and in the critical situation starts to doing all only for survive, but probably in your case it's not so. At the same time, you have dating with guys, drive to work every day and it seems that you want to continue life in anyway. It is not hopelessness for you, while your health allow to live full life(almost). But as you know, it may come to an end. I agree with @desolation24, what you need to found right person which will show you the “right way” and by that to safe you.
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Apparently you like cigarettes (and liquor) the most. What are second and third things you like in your life? Trying to do these things more often is a more positive way approach than trying to cut down on cigarettes. A 30 min swimming or jogging per day can do changes in your life that you right now think is impossible.
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Totally agree with Sergey92 when he says "Maybe after 15 or 20 years with giant step in medicine, you will be able to recovery your lungs. Therefore, it makes sense to see to this." For all you know, your lungs might not be all that bad. If you can preserve what ever lung function you have, you can lead a long and enjoyable life.

Dont say you dont have it in you. If I were you I would go on a 20 day leave and then decide whether its possible or not.

People, when in depression think their problem is some how unique that no body in the world has faced and so nobody understands. So I dont think you will take anybody's suggestion seriously unless you start doing thinks you like. Im not saying yours is an easy position ; but many people had been there who were later successful in finding joy in their lives.
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8976007 tn?1413334250
there will never be giant leaps in the field of lung disease.  $23,000 is the average amount of money spent on breast cancer per patient for research.  $1300 is spent on lung cancer per patient.  it is considered a 'smoker's disease'.  in other words,,,,, preventable.  so, i do not see anything changing in the future to help with this.  
i highly suggest just looking on whyquit *******.  there are pictures of people at the top of the site.  click on deborah age 38 and READ HER STORY.  her own words as she is dying from SMOKING.  
i too am fighting hard to stop.  your  pessimistic attitude will get you nowhere.  'I can't' needs to be taken out of your vocabulary and replaced with 'i don't want to' or 'i can'.  it is HARD.
i have been smoking since i was 5 yrs old.  i have at least 2 (they are finding 2 more, but not officially diagnosed and do not know if i even want to know) incurable diseases from smoking.  NEVER in my life have i defended smoking like you do.  you are in love with it.  
read deborah's story and then see if you want to keep smoking.  i wish you the best and maybe you should try hypnosis or something else.
http://whyquit.com/whyquit/A_Deborah.html
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Jinx, did you say you, yourself, started smoking at 5 years old?
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8976007 tn?1413334250
yes, i did.  actually around 4 yrs old i would light my parents cigs and fooled around with them, but by the age of 5, i had my own pack.  cannot remember how long they lasted, but do know i never went without them.  
i was way too young to  even know they were dangerous, let alone even know what addiction was.  
kids always look forward to birthday milestones.  for me it was 'i will quit when i am 13' 'i will quit when i am 16' and kept going for 18 and 21.  never did quit.  :(
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8976007 tn?1413334250
i could smoke in front of my parents.  never had to hide.  
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Jinx, how heavily do you smoke now?
did your paretns ask.encourage you ot light their cigaret,es or did you just doit on your own?
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Hi Stephanie,

I know how u feel. I tried amphetamine and for some reason it makes u smoke non stop. I got addicted to smoking badly and was nearly going mad not being able to smoke at work and places people frowned upon u. I couldn't stop smoking no matter what.

I tried Nicorette ice mint gum and it helped me manage my smoking, but I continued to smoke and still smoke when using my nicorettes. I prefer ice mint lozenges now and I never thought I'd get addicted but I am addicted to Nicorette and whilst I still smoke, I did cut back thanks to Nicorette. It's a double whammy addiction, but its better than that uncontrollable urge to chain smoke cigarettes. Good luck!
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Good luck jinx, it's an addictive habit, we know. It's either give up, or give in. And it's so easy to give in to nicotine, I certainly know I like the addiction to it. Silly ain't it.
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8976007 tn?1413334250
my parents encouraged us to smoke.  they thought it was cute.  then they figured out that it was a way to get us to do things for them.  they were full aware of the addiction, but i was not.  the old 'i will give you a cigarette if you vacuum the house'.  we also had to go to the store and buy them for them.  with a note the first few times, then no longer needed a note. then we  were free to buy them ourselves.  would forego lunch at school to buy them.  my brother changed to chewing at about 16 and still does to this day.  my sister smoked, but quit in their 20's.  
i smoke a pack or a little less than that a day.  desperately want to quit. i have tried the patch, chantix, etc with no success and i think with me, cold turkey is the only way
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8976007 tn?1413334250
i think i have a little blood in my nicotine stream.  :)
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Jinx, did you smoke more heavily when you were younger?
You said you have two confirmed and 2 suspected smoking related diseases, what are they?
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Hope you are doing okay, dear.  You haven't posted in a while.
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242912 tn?1402547092
Please check in, Stephanie.  We care about you.  
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Stephanie,

Thank you for your post.  Can we video-chat on skype?  I have a huge smoking fetish and can be completely accepting of who you are.  I also like that you write really well, as do I.  I have been searching for another heavy-smoking, beautiful woman like you for a while now.  I am a California-based lawyer and my ex-girlfriend smoked about as much as you and coughed as regularly as well.

Dan
dan1-california (skype handle)


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