End of my rope

I have come to an impasse and don't know what to do. My husband and I have been together for 10 years.  He had a 5 yr old little girl when we met that he has full custody of.  I have raised her since then.  Part of issue is that all along her grandmother and mother talked badly about me in front of her.  She quickly learned that she could get them to buy/do things for her if she spoke bad abt me too or straight up just told lies.  For the last 10 years I have been lied about all the while raising her and having to do all the "motherly" things she needed.  Time and again I had forgiven her since she was a child and I believed it was not her fault but the adults in her life.  I hoped that one day she would see that what she was doing was wrong and stop it.  Every time she doesn't get what she wants she runs to other family members and cries about it and they do/buy it for her.  It has completely undermined our authority as parents, she lacks any respect for us and as a result we have not bond whatsoever.  We now have a 4yr old & 8 mnth old.  My husband is a wonderful father to them and I love him dearly but my SD has crossed a line with her lying and I do not want her in our home any longer.  She lied about stuff to her school counselor and they called in DSS.  I have been pegged as a "alleged perpetrator" for things I never did nro would do.  The worst part, and what I am most upset about, is that my children where put in harms way and the potential for them to be taken from me was there.  She is currently w/ a family member but it is short term.  I am adament she not return bc I don't want another lie to jeopardize my kids safety.  She is a chronic liar which her dad says is "normal kid behavior" which it is not.  The numerous prof. now in our life say the same.  He wants to let her back in home and I don't want anything to do w/ her at all ever again.  I can't go back to living like that.  Being lied about, stabbed in the back and judged by anyone who will listen to her lies about me.  It is really intolerable.  I love my husband and don't want to leave but I feel like I have no choice if he doesn't respect what I am asking for.  My SD wants to be anywhere else but here as well except there is not really any place for her to go since her bio mother is a total loser.  I don't want my marriage to end over this and I don't want my kids to not grow up w/o their dad but I just can't keep living like this.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[ChinaGirl]

OMG I am so sorry to hear this.  This child has become self centered and destructive.  She knows that the power is now in the kids' hands re: social services and she is using this to give her temporary power to get what she wants or control this situation.  I am sorry but if you can get rid of her out of your life, your bio children will be much safer.  Where does your hubby stand?  His standing beside you if abuse charges are filed will be very helpful, and his not being there might be misconstrued as pointing the finger.....  The climate of social services at the moment is nothing to F around with.  I feel your pain  - at the same time I am so so glad we live overseas.

[luckymomof2]

Thanks for the comment - my husband was part of it as well and thankfully, since it was all lies and all could see that, the case has been closed.  However, if she makes another claim and it is general in nature (not specific to just her like this time) they could take all the kids.  Never in a million years did I think this would happen.  My husband thinks her lies are "normal" behavior and is allowing the counselors to tell us what to do concerning her coming back into our home.  I feel that she should not bc I don't want my kids in remotely in jeopardy nor do I want to live in such a manner that this is hanging over our heads.  I can't even stand to be in the same room with her let alone live with her again.  I have been saying for years she has issues and while I am almost relieved this has happened bc it validates my feelings I am really angry that I have wasted years trying to bond w/ this child and that all these lies have been left.  My husbands philosophy is ignore it and it will go away.  It is obvious that is not going to happen but he doesn't want to choose between us (which I understand and empathize with) but in the end this is a whole family situation not one that only affects her or just 1 person.  I am really struggling to know what to do bc I feel like if she comes back it is negative for everyone, including her.

[Londres70]

What's the story with the biomother?  

This child sounds like any mother's nightmare.  

I feel for you being in the positiion you are in......really do.

[Sherilee61]

I feel for you and your family. Coming from a family where someone falsely accused my family member I feel your pain. I wish I could say ours turned out as well. It did not. Our family is ruined for life now because of the lies. Please get your stepdaughter help before it can have anymore negative effects. Protect yourself ,kids and hubby.In todays society accusations of abuse can have devastating results. My hope for you and your family is that she grows up and realizes what a good person you have been to her. The mom and her family need to understand how devastating her actions can be to them also. Have Faith and Pray you will find the answers.

[luckymomof2]

Her mom left and relinquished custody to her dad when she was 6 months old.  She has been in and out all along and for many years my SD had a good relationship with her.  Now she can not stand her for multiple reasons.  When she was younger I agreed with my husband to not send her there to live bc her mom is basically a total loser.  Now that she is 15, I think it is time for her to go there bc we have done all we can and she is very unhappy with us.  My husband doesn't want it though.

[luckymomof2]

Thank you for your support.  I feel like I am the crazy one bc my husband and his family act like this is no big deal.  I am really concerned about what may happen.  I know that you are not supposed to worry about things that may or may not happen but with this issue, I think being proactive is better than being reactive and waiting for everything to fall apart.  I would never forgive myself if something happened to my kids bc I didn't do enough to keep this situation at bay.

[Londres70]

Is the child getting counseling......I mean INTENSE counseling?  

Have you and your husband sought counseling on how to deal with this?

IDK dear.......I would be apt to get this child out of the home and have her follow up with counseling just until all this calms down.  I don't feel the whole family should have to suffer and walk on egg shells because of this child.  

This is COMPLETELY out of hand and your husband needs to get serious and address this issue instead of thinking "everything will work itself out."