Step Parenting Community
How do you handle having a step child that hates you?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to step parenting, anger, behavioral issues, chores, communication, discipline, ex- spouses, family gatherings and meetings, family decisions, frustration, fun activities, grandparents and relatives, guilt, rules, stress, and time issues.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

How do you handle having a step child that hates you?

I have a 12yr old step daughter that hates me. I married her father almost four yrs ago who is a widower and brought two kids into our marriage from my first marriage. My step daughter HATES me. She is jealous of my two boys from my first marriage and the 2 yr old I had with her dad.

I understand the psychology of what is going on. She is a preeteen, she is grieving her mother's loss now, she is jealous of having a half sister/having to share her attention. I have compassion and understand all that. I also understand that my husband has parenting issues and he is addressing those with individual therapy.

But, how do I deal with all her negativity and still want to come home after work to be near her? I try my best to not let her show how she gets to me and I'm ready to reward her good behavior. She's constantly manipulating and trying to pin her dad against me.

Any suggestions?
Related Discussions
28 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
404232_tn?1253969556
Sorry to hear about what your going through and sorry no one has answered. I don't  know what i would do if I knew my stepson hated me!!! I guess the best you can do is hang in there - your doing the best you can right now (I am definately NOT looking forward to his teenage years). If communication is difficult with her just try to make sure its open and that you stay in great communication with her dad so nothing gets manipulated against you. I feel for you I really do and I wish I had more to offer. I think its great that therapy is involved and maybe when the time is right you could look into it for the two of you!
Blank
535822_tn?1389452880
Lots of love and care ,start to feel for her loss and give her the same care you give your other children, walk in her shoes,you say you understand that is good , I doubt she hates you ,she is looking for your approval, focus on her positive side and praise her when you see her doing something good.Get  Dad involved and make sure he gives her as much attention as the other children, outside Games and sports and one to one attention for her.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for your support. It is very difficult at times. I walk in her shoes and completely understand what she is going through, but I also have to keep the stability in the home. That means setting limits on her behavior and limiting how her anger and manipulation negatively affects my marriage and the self-esteem, safety, etc of the rest of the family. Especially, my handicapped son and my 2 yr old daughter who seem to get the brunt of her negativity. I have all patience in the world and now with her dad getting individual therapy, I'm hopeful he'll be able to reconnect with her and help meet some of her emotional needs. (He's not a very openly affectionate father and I'm sure that hasn't helped). I feel like I've carried the burden of trying to meet her emotional needs these past four years (which hasn't worked and has been met repeatedly with rejection) and like the joy of motherhood has been robbed from me because of what my stepdaughter is going through and has put us through. But...it is getting better and I'm in for the long haul! Thanks again!
Blank
694961_tn?1228736188
Sounds to me likes she's one lucky girl to have acquired a stepmom who cares that much about her. My stepdaughter at 12yo had a very colourful vocabulary towards me, and used to do things which looking back were attention seeking such as running away. I believe that on some level she does connect with you and one day she will be mature enough to show it.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Curious if things have gotten any better?  I really feel for you.  I have a 12 yr old step daughter that hates me too.  Luckily for me she lives with her Mom.  Is there hope?   Did things get better yet?
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I have sort of the same problem, my stepsonis 9 and has been living with us for over 3 years, he treats me horribly, he purposly defies me and admits he is trying to make me angry, he lies constntly, he tries to make his father and i fight and admits he enjos it. He is only 9!!! He will flat out tellme he doesnt care about me, and that his dad should not play with my kids, he sneaks things all the time, and will deliberatly do something right after i ask him not to, i am starting to feel like i am going crazy! i have been dealing with this for 3 years and i am tired, and i cannot figure out whyhe hates me so much, at first i was loving and nurturing, and i have tried all kinds of positive reinforcment but he does not seem to want it, and he has no remource for anything he does or how it affects anyone. I have been getting dizzy spells and heart racing now everytime i have to deal with his atitde, and now ust found outi am pregnant we sat downwith all our children and toldthem that mom needs to not get so stressed out because it can affect the baby, and that the dizzy spells are dangerous for mommy right now, and for the whole next week he was doing anything he could to try to make me upset, and when I asked him if he realized who that was hurting he replied with no emotion or thought "the baby"
i feel like a 9 year old is out to get me...someone please help i feel like this is tearing my family apart, and i have no more answers.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Don't know if anyone ever said this to you. But, you should not be put in the situation of disciplianrian. Your husband and yourself do need to set up basic ground rules for the home and set limits. But when it come to disciplin daddy has to do it. Sorry..no matter what. You are not her mom and never will be. I have custody of my nephew, my brother died and his mom can't take care of him. We have rules, but he knows..I would never spank him, and he also knows he still has a mom. I told him, I am not your mom AND not replacing your mom. I am helping you and her by raising you (long story why). The jist of it is, he has a bond with his mom I would never try nor want to replace, And as far as her mom dying, she def. need grief counceling. Just be positive and open. Listen to her whenever she talks. No matter how little of importance it may seem at the moment. She needs to feel she can trust you. And open ears and availability is the best way. Also, third party compliments work really great. Let her (overhear) phone conversations about how good she did on a test, or how much she helped you with the groceries, or just how sweet she was when she played with one of your other children. They often are trying to figure out how you REALLY feel about them. And by letting her (overhear) a third party conversation..without letting her know, she thinks she just heard something you don't think she did. It is a huge confidence builder.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Definitely understand what you're going through.  The key is for both of you parents to be on one accord.  I am currently going through that now w/ my wife & my step-daughter.  Her father never died, but from day one, she has hated my guts for no reason, even though I have been there as her father for ALL major events.  Her father only comes around to stir up controversy, but we hadn't heard a single word from him since we found out she is 15 weeks pregnant.  I won't go into monologue about it, but I know it's because her mom didn't let me establish my authority early; she always made excuses for her, because she felt bad about what happened between her & her first husband.  I have only been there for them & most of the volleyball parents never knew my name; they would just call me "X's dad".  She is walking around here without remorse now & attacking me, as if I'm the one that got her pregnant, saying things such as "I don't nor have I ever liked you".  I asked her why, she said "Just look at you".  Her mother is the major reason for that; she never trusted me to do ALL of the things that I've done to provide the best atmosphere & honestly speaking, sometimes I just don't want to come home.  If it wasn't for the daughter that me & my wife have together, I probably would've filed for divorce by now.  If you and your spouse don't get on one accord, your life will be misery waiting to happen.  Trust me on this one; it will never get better until the child knows that she doesn't have any choice but to follow what BOTH parents say.  By not coming together, the parent of the child only teaches the child to rebel against authority.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I share many of the above sentiments.  My Stepdaughter is 12 y/o.  I have been married to her Mom for six years and been a part of her life for nine years.  Her Father left my wife and her for another woman when she was two.  I meet her when she was three.  I've been the father role person all this time, caring for her when sick, cheering her on in school, band, sports, dance, and supporting other activities.  Her Father lives in another state and visits once a year for a week in the summertime.  He is respectful to me, but mean to my wife.  My wife and I support and encourage our daughter to communicate with her father.  She is very hesitant to do this and rarely initiates a call to him.  I am courteous and kind to her father out of respect for her.  She is a great kid, very intelligent, straight A student, nothing but glowing remarks from friend's parents and teachers.  However, she ALWAYS criticizes everything and everybody, has a very negative outlook, and has some chip on her shoulder 24/7. She also refuses to be responsible for anything and is quick to blame someone else when something goes wrong.  I am a very positive, outgoing, and patient person.  My wife is very patient, but frustrated with the family dynamics.  She has been the disciplinarian in the past and now, but our daughter is quite defiant and loves to test the limits.  We have tried many times to discuss the issues, but our daughter states there's no problem and walks away.  Our relationship was stronger when she was younger.  As time goes on, she knowingly doesn't listen,use manners, follow directions, or acknowledge that I exist.  If she needs something and I'm standing right next to it, she'll seek out Mom to get it, knowing full well that I can do it.  The only time she speaks to me is when she wants something that I have or that I can only do--the request is always negative and spiteful, no manners, and very demanding.  If I don't do it the way she wants it, she goes crying to Mom saying I won't help her.  The really annoying thing for me is that she has always viewed her father in the most positive light.  To this day, he has never filled the parent role.  He visits once a year and always during summer vacation.  He follows her lead and doesn't set boundaries.  She has never been a very affectionate huggy kid, but she only sees good in her father.  He has done little to deserve this affection according to my wife and even his own family (sisters and parents).  My wife stays close to his family and they are very loving and supportive to me as well.  I don't honestly expect this behavior to change anytime soon, but I would like to understand why I am hated so much.  I have a long-standing theory that she is very angry with her father, but refuses to address it with him, because he might turn his back on her--again.  Instead, I believe my wife and I are the vehicles for her anger, because deep down, she knows that we will not leave her and that she can express anger safely--a very indirect sort of love.  As a person, I would like to feel loved too...by her... in a positive way.  These days I say good morning, good night, I love you, have a great day at school, and other sentiments to remind her I do exist, but there is absolutely no interaction from her toward me.  I realize she is the only one who can change this, but living under these conditions is becoming increasingly harder and affecting my marriage.  In the end, I'm just not willing to give up.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Just curious if anyone that has previous posts on here has gotten anywhere with thier step children? My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now (living in the same house as well), I have 2 kids from my first marriage (17 yr old boy and 13 yr old girl) and he has a 16 year old son from his second marriage that absolutely hates me. And we have a child together on the way in the next couple of weeks. I hvae always loved children, I was a nanny growing up and worked in as well as ran my own in home daycare for years. I have never met a child I didn't like until now. How do you deal with a step child that absolutely cannot stand you? Our household is generally (aside from typical teenagers pushing thier limits from time to time) a calm place until my step son arrives and starts small wars with me and my kids in an effort (and typically succeeds at) to get his father to himself. And when I say that he hates me - I am not at all exaggerating. I have an email from him that would send anyone into teers. What do you do when you value your relatioship but a child is making you choose between themselves and your partner? My kids love and respect my boyfriend, at times they don't like him but didn't we all go through spurts where we didn't like our parents when we were teenagers? But overall - they care about him and abide by his rules. His son however literally cannot stand me or my children. He has gone as far as to make his father pick a side. And we have a baby on the way. How am I to trust this child around my own baby even though it is his half sibling?
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am in the same situation, but my soon to be step son is 15, and him along with a few other soon to be family members are trying to come between me and my fiancé. This has been going on for almost a year and I'm upset and frustrated that I'm being portrayed as the wicked step mother before I even say "I do". My fiancé isn't putting his foot down and I'm ready to throw in the towel and call off the wedding. I am willing and ready to accept his children as if they were my biological kids, but it's hard when I know his kids don't like me. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. I love my fiancé so much that I am willing to let him go be with his jealous family.

So heartbroken!!!!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
WOW! You have just described my life and my 11 year old son to a T. I have been the mother figure to him since he just turned 4. His mom has her life and only spends time with him and his brother when it will benifit her and is conveinent for her. His little brother who is now 7 has been with me since he was 14 months and does not demonstrate any of the issues as of present. There are a total of 6 children in my home since my husband and I decided to combine our families 7 yeas ago. I have 3 children from my first marrige (their father is not involved at all ) he has 2 from his fist marrige (mom is only semi involved on a very limited basis) and we have one together. From day one we have tried to create a stable loving enviroment for all the children involved. He is the only father figure and I the mother figure. We love them all equally. I love all of these kids the same. Most of our children have handled the combined family very well and continue to do so. One of our older boys, the 11 year old, has struggled from day one. He is vey manipulative, and has a chip on his shoulder 24/7, and rarely takes any responsibility for his actions. When it comes to him with me  the definitions take on a whole new meaning. I am a stay at home mom to all 6 and my husband works long hours to make this possible. I do most things for all of my kids from running with sports, band, to cooking and homework. My 11 year old is a great kid, excellent at sports, straight A student and can be an angel at home when everything going on around him is to his likeing. I continue to be patient and nothing less than loveing. And I understand his anger to some extent. I am open to any and all suggestions to help him .
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
It is amazing how common a theme this is, of step-kids disliking their step-parents! I have recently become engaged to a man with three kids from a previous marriage. Their mum lives nearby and is very controlled by her new husband who doesn't like the kids, so even though we have the kids 50/50, my fiancee and I find we have been doing most of the parenting, such as parent-teacher interviews, homework, taking the kids away, etc. The oldest kid is a 14-year-old boy, who is great and i've never had issues with. The middle is a 9-year-old girl and the youngest a 7-year-old girl. The youngest is also wonderful and I get along with her great. The middle child however is very manipulative, and I feel very uncomfortable with her sometimes when she deliberately says her mum and dad let her do things I don't let her do (like bikeriding with no shoes on), which I find out later isn't true. She is very nice to me when she wants things, but if she doesn't get it, she says, 'I miss mum', etc. She keeps putting photos up of her mum and dad in her bedroom, which i've turned a blind eye to. I know this behaviour is partly to blame being the middle-child, but it really hurts when I feel I do more for her than her own mother and she still makes me feel like the bad guy. Her father and I are going to try for a baby in the next year, which she has 'forbidden' me to do, saying she won't 'allow' it. Recently she told her mum I was talking negatively about her (long story involving her mum not buying the kids school stuff when we had given her money, which I probably did say in frustration), and it has now resulted in an argument between their mum and I. I have no previous experience in parenting so am trying to learn the best thing to do in the situation! Has anyone got any suggestions of overcoming this behaviour? I know it will only get worse in the teenage years if unresolved. I am lucky my partner is very onto it and frequently has 'talks' with her...
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
Read my PM.  

Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I seem to have all the odds against me.  The two youngest of my BF's kids live with us (14 YO boy and 16 YO girl).  The house is mine, and BF moved in 3 years ago when mom had the daughter and an older sister had the girl.  The boy flew here and moved in within one month of their dad moving in, and he is pretty good.  The girl got into trouble and we had to drive 4 hours to get her 2 months later.  One got the spare room, and I removed my grand daughters items for the other.  His daughter smokes, is disrespectful, comes and goes as she pleases, and has her daddy wrapped. She has destroyed her room..writing on walls, tape and nail holes all over,holes in the wall,  etc.  As much as I love the BF, I am close to asking them to leave. I hate her.  I have tried so hard to be a good role model, but after being used I give up. Mom has little to do with them and has sent money MAYBE 10 times in three years. She sees the kids only when we drive them 5+ hours away (she has moved even further away), and usually Daddy only let's her visit (he will pay for a bus or train ticket for her only). Last month she wasn't getting her way so she played the "I don't want to live" card.  Her daddy took off work to take her to numerous doctor visits as well as the ER.  It was recommended she go to an overnight facility.  Total cost and counting? $20,000. There is NOTHING wrong with her.  After an argument last night because he told her to stay home, she told him the only time he cared was when she was in the hospital.  Wow.  Last summer she moved out (and Daddy let her) to live with her girlfriend. Side note: she has had sex with a boy in my house, dated other races, and now is a lesbian all for attention. Anyway, after a month, I repaired the damages to the room, moved the so. In that room, and spent a few hundred dollars to give my grand daughter a room back (she is with me 50%  of the time). Three months later, Daddy decides she needs to come home.  I removed the baby's stuff, and she now is in the small room.  My granddaughters toys are back in the living room and she sleeps on the couch. Now I resent her more.  She does everything she can to make my life miserable. I am close to deciding they all have to go, which ***** because the son finally has stability and is doing well in sports and school.  And other than the fact Daddy has no spine with child number 3, he is close to perfect.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Correction: the boy lived with his older sister, not the 16 yo girl
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
i understand i hv the same case same situation i m also so so sos depress n no one can even understand
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
u described the same situation i m dealing with i hv a 10 year old step daughter and she is destroying my marriage by manipulating and lying and all that crap all day long she is good with me as long as she sees her dad talking to me or us laughing together she gets so jelous n upset and then tells her dad that i pushed her when she was standing or blah blah blah but my depression get worse when my husband starts fight over her ..its been 3 years i cant think how a 10 year old can be that clever
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I know my step daughter hates me and it hurt so bad. I have been in a relationship with her dad every since she was 5 now she is20.  She lives with her mom and comes over whenever she wants. When she does come over its like hell on wheels. She does not want to clean after herself or help out around the house. My kids that live with me hate doing all the house work by ourselves and feel like it's not fair at all. I have been going through this  Every since she was little, one summer she stayed with us and refused to help clean up. She told me I was not her mother and she ain't cleaning anything. I was so hurt I really love her never treated her different from my own. I would show her affection and she would push me away and wipe her face after I would kiss her on the cheeks. I often wondered why she acts like that. We'll anyway when she would act up I would call her dad for help because I am not her mom and he would tell me deal with it and hang up the phone . I would be so confused because he would yell at me for trying to handle the situation myself after leaving her with me all day and tell me your not her mom stop telling her what to do but tell me to deal with it. Now she older and she talk to me any kind of way and he does nothing. She never invites me or her brother a child that I have with her dad to graduations she would only invite her dad :(c...I feel like if she don't like me she should not dislike her little brother. He is her blood, her dad has a child from a previous relationship from another woman but she seem to love him to death. Sometimes I think she acts like that with my son from her dad is because me and her dad is together. I do every thing anything to keep things down, one day she was choking my son so hard his eyes were blood shot red and he seemed like he could not breathe. I ask why did she do that my son was about 6 and she was about 16 I couldn't understand why she would do something like that because he was aggravating her. It took everything in my power notto choke her back. I never told her father because it's always drama when she is around. She always doing spiteful things to the kids and do spiteful things in the use fter I
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I know my step daughter hates me and it hurt so bad. I have been in a relationship with her dad every since she was 5 now she is20.  She lives with her mom and comes over whenever she wants. When she does come over its like hell on wheels. She does not want to clean after herself or help out around the house. My kids that live with me hate doing all the house work by ourselves and feel like it's not fair at all. I have been going through this  Every since she was little, one summer she stayed with us and refused to help clean up. She told me I was not her mother and she ain't cleaning anything. I was so hurt I really love her never treated her different from my own. I would show her affection and she would push me away and wipe her face after I would kiss her on the cheeks. I often wondered why she acts like that. We'll anyway when she would act up I would call her dad for help because I am not her mom and he would tell me deal with it and hang up the phone . I would be so confused because he would yell at me for trying to handle the situation myself after leaving her with me all day and tell me your not her mom stop telling her what to do but tell me to deal with it. Now she older and she talk to me any kind of way and he does nothing. She never invites me or her brother a child that I have with her dad to graduations she would only invite her dad :(c...I feel like if she don't like me she should not dislike her little brother. He is her blood, her dad has a child from a previous relationship from another woman but she seem to love him to death. Sometimes I think she acts like that with my son from her dad is because me and her dad is together. I do every thing anything to keep things down, one day she was choking my son so hard his eyes were blood shot red and he seemed like he could not breathe. I ask why did she do that my son was about 6 and she was about 16 I couldn't understand why she would do something like that because he was aggravating her. It took everything in my power notto choke her back. I never told her father because it's always drama when she is around. She always doing spiteful things to the kids and do spiteful things around the house because I like to keep my house clean like dump a lot of food on the ground have her things all over the living like her shoes her weave ponytail food. One she
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I know my step daughter hates me and it hurt so bad. I have been in a relationship with her dad every since she was 5 now she is20.  She lives with her mom and comes over whenever she wants. When she does come over its like hell on wheels. She does not want to clean after herself or help out around the house. My kids that live with me hate doing all the house work by ourselves and feel like it's not fair at all. I have been going through this  Every since she was little, one summer she stayed with us and refused to help clean up. She told me I was not her mother and she ain't cleaning anything. I was so hurt I really love her never treated her different from my own. I would show her affection and she would push me away and wipe her face after I would kiss her on the cheeks. I often wondered why she acts like that. We'll anyway when she would act up I would call her dad for help because I am not her mom and he would tell me deal with it and hang up the phone . I would be so confused because he would yell at me for trying to handle the situation myself after leaving her with me all day and tell me your not her mom stop telling her what to do but tell me to deal with it. Now she older and she talk to me any kind of way and he does nothing. She never invites me or her brother a child that I have with her dad to graduations she would only invite her dad :(c...I feel like if she don't like me she should not dislike her little brother. He is her blood, her dad has a child from a previous relationship from another woman but she seem to love him to death. Sometimes I think she acts like that with my son from her dad is because me and her dad is together. I do every thing anything to keep things down, one day she was choking my son so hard his eyes were blood shot red and he seemed like he could not breathe. I ask why did she do that my son was about 6 and she was about 16 I couldn't understand why she would do something like that because he was aggravating her. It took everything in my power notto choke her back. I never told her father because it's always drama when she is around. She always doing spiteful things to the kids and do spiteful things around the house because I like to keep my house clean like dump a lot of food on the ground have her things all over the living like her shoes her weave ponytail food to keep things down I would clean behind her and she would purposely mess up things again it drives me crazy....I just don't understand.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
The boy needs discipline your husband has to make it clear that he needs to respect you. Your husband is the only one who can make him understand. Ask your husband If it would be ok if you disrespected him as we'll? Your husband will say of course not, then you reply with then he needs to respect me as well. my husband has a very disrespectful son and I told my husband dicipline him or I will. Now kids listens I had one on one and told him I cook clean and care for you therefore you will respect me or I will take away your TV games etc. he stopped being a jerk
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Your husband needs to put him in check. He needs to put hit foot down take away TV , games give him no attention while he behaves bad. If your husband doesn't you are headed for worse problems children who rebel usually end un jail, trouble school, prison etc
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Step Parenting Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating: What Your Closet ...
Jul 09 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank