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Husband and step-daughter are too intimate
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Husband and step-daughter are too intimate

My husband and I have one big issue that leads us living separately and maybe heading for divorce. The problem is that he and his 14 year old daughter are treating each other like a couple rather than father and daughter. The therapist told me that it is called "emotional incest" and if he is not willing to correct his behavior then it is not going to work. I felt very uncomfortable being around them for the way they show each other affactions via some inappropriate physical touchings. For example, he called her baby all the time and ran his fingers through her hair while she enjoyed stroking his chest hair, arms, cheeks.. and such, either going out sitting in the restaurant or at home on the couch where they usually snuggle together. I only get the attention in our bedroom where he feels that his daughter is not watching and therefore, it is "safe" to be intimate with me. Of course, he is showering her with everything she asks and is afraid to say no to her for anything. I feel sorry for my very young daughter that we have together, and a 7 year old who get to put to the lower priority. He expressed that he wants to make this marriage work but I do not think he has any clue about how much his unhealthy entanglements with his daughter affects me. He was very defensive about it when I tried to bring up the issue. He told other people that I do not understand that father daughter *need* to have intimate relationship. It feels like this situation is something that I have to suffer as an isolated incident, it is hard for friends and family to understand the behaviors cause it is masked by a father daughter relationship that appears to be intensely devoted. We still see each other on a couple of nights in a week when he does not have his daughter and as usualy, if she is not in sight, we always have a wonderful time together. I found this experience traumatizing and humiliating, at the time time, we have great relationship without his daughter between us. I do want to be treated as a wife with respect at all times from him.. but without his willingness to understand the boundary concepts, what it means by being fair and how it affects other family members when overindulges his 14 year old, there is no chance for this marraige to work. I need help on how to approach and tell him how his behavior is not helping the situation and when do I know that this is absolutely no hope to stick around any longer?
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Avatar_m_tn
You need to tell your husband and his daugter about the laws that forbide this kind of thing. I say you secetly put a hidding camera and show to serives and seperate the father and daughter about the unhealthy relastionship for the time beging and I say since your husband is doing that kind of stuff he should go to jail and lose custdy of the child to some one else for the better.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for the comment. Unfortunately, I am the only camera in the house and I can play those intimate moments between them in my head that makes me feel so sick. He had moved out with his 14 year old daughter because we had a fight about the same issue. The day before he left the whole family were sick. He came home to snuggle with his 14 year old on the couch in a room all afternnon, evening, all night and all day next day till 3pm when I walked in the room and saw that he was holding her head with both hands and was kissing her forehead and hair. I complained that he did not come into our bedroom the night before , he said that I just do not understand what a loving father does for his daughter when she is sick.. but is this a *normal behavior* that he has to stay physically right next to her, at that time.. it had been 24 hours straight to make her feel good? I was sleeping in our bedroom alone and the baby was in the crib also sick. If he is such a loving father why he did not come in and at least check on the baby? AM I  overreacting? And this is just one of the many many things that make me feel uncomfortable. I also do not understsand why a 14 year old wants to touch her dad like a boyfriend? But I can see whey they have this kind of attachment/entanglement because his first wife (the mother of his 14 year old) is very irresponsible so she had been with him all her life and loves to be just right next to him all the time.. they had been co-sleeping till she was 10 when he married the second wife. My step-daughter is super needy and jealous and because his dad put her as the highest priority and she has to constently making sure that she is the most important person to him..( I had red flags all along but infortunately chose to ignore them and was thinking that she was adjusting to a new blended family so I gave it some time). AM I overreacting? Is this normal father-daughter relationship? I feel like I have to trip over my step-daughter whenever I need to talk to my husband, and that I do fantisize that it would be nice to sit and walk next to my husband some times when we all goo out , for a change, cause I always have to walk behind them and sit across the table from them and watching them stroking each others shoulders or arms.. :(
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Avatar_n_tn
No you are not overreacting and no this is not normal behavior. This is incestual behavior and your husband needs to be reported immediately before the affection turns sexual. Yes he will be very angry with you but you have to think of the child first. At 14 she has raging hormones but does not know how to control them. Buy or borrow a video camera, hire a lawyer and take the videos to child welfare or your local DA's office. If someone else sees and reports this behavior you can be charged as an accessory since you knew it was going on but did nothing to stop it. All of this advice is, of course, assuming you are not just jealous of your step-daughter and want all of your husband's attention for yourself. If that's NOT the case, you need to take action NOW.
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Avatar_n_tn
I fear that this exact same thing will happen in a few years when my stepdaughter is about that age. She is 9 and half now...she is constantly cuddling, hugging, and holding hands with her father...and I mean it is almost nonstop. She follows him to the point of wanting to go to the bathroom with him. She has to know where he is at all time and whines for him when he is not there. My husband is flattered by her attention so he sees nothing wrong with it...but I do...simply because I get a very uncomfortable feeling when it is happening because it is so constant. It is normal for a little girl to want to sit in daddy's lap sometimes but everyday anytime dad sits in the recliner is too much and so is constant handholding. I feel like I could throw up sometimes when they are carrying on but the only solution to my problem is leaving the situation because it is never gonna change because both parties are happy with the situation. I just hope I 'm wrong about it turning south. My husband is absolutely obsessed with his daughter. She is his reason for being.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have been reading on emotional incest, physical touchings between fathers and daughters, and met with several therapists. I also talked to CPS anonymously to get an understandings of the laws and what are/are not socially as well as culturly acceptable behaviors. I think that you can't report it unless there is evidence of some physical sexual things going on or you suspect that there is one. In this kind of situation, the outsiders (family and friends) usually do not know the extent of the behaviors cause they do not see them on the day in and day out basis. Family and friends might just think that they are very "close", rather than very "intimate". My stepdaugher is living with her dad(us) 80% of the time, it is not like they do not see each other a lot... for those two to three nights of the week that she is not with him, she would call all the time for nothing or anything.. like she is lovesick?  She is going to be 15 in a few days, and she still wants her dad to sit next to her when she and her only one best friend go watching a moive. My husband would show her his new body spray and she would just talk in a flirtatious voice as to how much she loves his smell in front of me?! (yechy!) My husband sees nothing wrong with his or her behaviors and he thinks it is me that has the issues that he is being a loving dad. Anyone like my husbanad would put a "jealousy" hat on you to cover his own actions.
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Avatar_n_tn
I feel for you because I know all too well what it is like to deal with that. My situation seems to be getting worse. Every once in a while she goes to her mother's for a few hours but in that time she is calling her father at least 5-6 times an hour. Speaking of family and friends...I have lost my best friend because when we went to visit her last year, she pulled me aside and told me that I was absolutely crazy and that she had never seen anything like it. She told me that I was crazy enough to deal with that then she couldn't sit back and watch. It is really a difficult situation because on the rare instances when my husband and I are alone...it is absolutely wonderful. I have noticed that he tells her to not sit on him sometimes since it has become so extreme, but when he does she curls up in a ball on the couch and cries or pouts and then he feels bad and lets her come back to his lap. I can tell that sometimes her incessant need follow him and lay all over him continually is beginning to get on his nerves sometimes even though he is flattered by it all. Very confusing. Speaking of the movies, I don't even go with anymore because she is all over him...sitting on his lap and demaning he hold her...if he tries to hold my hand she grabs it and puts it on her. I am embarrassed when we go out in public by they way they act. I'm sure you are probably like me and just walk behind them as the stroll hand and hand wherever they go. I am so torn by what I should do...it is typical of me to just run but I really need to try and make this work but it is really hard to overcome.
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Avatar_n_tn
hi BabyHardiman,
I have a 8 year old daughter of my own and my husband and I also have a daughter together who is also approching 2. Our weekend plans are around the 15 year old activities.. soccer games,playdates and movies with her friends and father. I am busy taking care of my 1 year old and my 8 year old since my husband is all full time to serve the 15 year old. We are not even living together now so his and his 15 year old got to get intimate whenever they want, and for me, I do not have to watch it, so I feel more relaxed. I suggest you reading a book called "Emotional Incest" from Patricia Love, it details how unhealthy to be clingy and needy to either of the parents or the other way. 2 year old is different than 15 year old... please keep in mind.
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Avatar_n_tn
In my case I have no reason to be jealous because I am well aware that I am 2nd..I have accepted that. I do have a daughter of my own that did not act that way and a stepdaughter from a previous marriage and did not have the same issue either.....every situation is different and every person is different. My stepdaughter lives 99% of the time with us so not part time here. I am concerned that my stepdaghters behavior will continue. The way that a girl reacts to her father is indicative of the way the will act around the opposite sex when she dates. If that would be the case in this situation...I really don't think it is a good idea for her to think it is okay to sit on someone's lap constantly or hug and kiss all over him.....might send out the wrong message ya think? What you also don't understand I think is that our situations are extreme....these behaviors are not the norm. We are just trying to understand why and what we could do to create a normal healthy environment for everyone. You are not in our shoes so you couldn't possibly understand.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have to say that I know how you feel with everything being scheduled around the stepkids, that is the way our lives are, I am not happy about it but thats the way life was before me.

JH68TX,

I do understand, it takes A LOT out of me to feel like a 5th wheel when all of our kids are together... but I also have to stop to realize they are all just kids, even at 14, she is still a CHILD.  It sounds like she doesn't get much of anything she needs from her mother, maybe thats why she needs the extra time with her father.  My fiance's kids are 7, 9 and 3, and we have an almost 2 year old, Daddy's time is spread very thin amongst us all.  
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Avatar_n_tn
hi BabyHardiman,

I do NOT believe that our lives should be scheduled just around the stepkids. If it is ok for you to let your stepkids approve your weekend plans.. than it is fine with me. But I believe that the time spent on bio-parent to child, couple time , family time and even stepparent-child time should be all considered fairly and discussed between husband and wife in a step-damily situation. It is not going to be perfect, but the marriage is going to break if there is no respect and fairness distributed for everyone in the family.
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Avatar_f_tn
Are you from a broken home?
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh man, I understand!  My fiance and his daughter are super close and I find it disgusting and highly inappropriate.  They were taking baths together when she was 9 *thankfully before me* when I met him she was 10 and still sleeping with him in the bedroom. Sometimes I would do to bed and wake up because he wasn't there and she would be straddling him sleeping with her head on his shoulder. She has no problem jumping in bed with him if I get up to go to the bathroom. Spooning, arms and legs wrapped around him...i remind him this is not ok. I love my dad. I was raised by my dad and nothing like this ever happened! He spoils her cause he feels she is so damaged from the divorce and what not. *hard to get into a lot of detail but her mother should be in a heavily secured mental institution and we have tried to get the kids out but ages got a silver tongue when it comes to lies and manipulation* she's 12 and acts just like her mother. I love her but her sassy attitude makes me dislike her very much. He's starting to listen when I say put a stop to it. She's *too big to spank!* but she is his baby. I'm like dude! She's going through puberty, has her cycle and breasts!  She shouldn't be sitting on your lap or trying to be so close. He's convinced she will grow out of it. I'm so sick about it. Its such a big thing. He's gonna leave me eventually cause apparently *i have no understanding on a close father daughter relationship!* help!
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi frogfobia28,

I feel your pain. It is totally inappropriate and it is going to hurt the child in the long run as well, not just us.. (the "left out spouse" according to the book). It looks like your fiance is listening which is good sign cause my husband is very defensive about it. Don't rush into the marriage before this issue is resolved between you two. I made a mistake of being open-minded and tolarate the situation, I was giving it time for her to "adjust" the new dynamics. But they will never change, actually, my step-daugher is 15 and  still gets very jealous about every little thing and it is because she is "mentally sick". She watches every move my husband and I are doing and makes little comments all the time. The children in the "emotional incest" situation do not have many friends. My step-daughter only has one good friend and she has to drag her dad too go along with them for many things. Another disturbing thing is that one of the therapists told me the "emotional incest" is the precursor of the "physical incest". Not every case ends up like that.. but it is unhealthy and needs to be "fixed".
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Avatar_m_tn
You need to sceretly video tape it and show it to the police or child servies if that problem isnt fixed who knows what could happen if you do nothing.
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1281373_tn?1289605176
watch the movie Eve's Bayou and I mean really watch the movie...this sound like the plot of the movie!
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Avatar_f_tn
Her father runs his hands through her hair and all of you want to call CPS or involve authorities?
To the original poster: You're going to get responses here from from bitter or jealous women who fail at their own relationships and are looking for a way to punish the man. Go to a professional forum where there are Drs and counsellors to advice you, not bitter ladies go after your men like cops looking for blood.  

Have you considered your own behaviour in this situation and how it influences the outcome or are we judging the farther of the child and presuming him guilty because he is man?  Only a professional therapist will be able to advise.

@7dwarf: Call the cops for incest? Do you even know what the word means? Are you now also a Doctor and a psychologist ?  I suggest you educate yourself first before advising people on this forum with your self serving agenda.

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Avatar_m_tn
All I can say Is i have a step daugher 16 and her and my son are the world to me.. All i can say to all these responses are that. where some of the issues seem warrented for the most part. ppl need to also remember. that roles of parents have changed. Woman have become so cold and callased. they forgot that there roles. woman where created emotional to be emotional.....meaning teach the children emotions.... i am a guy and have always been a very emotional person..meaning im huggy to everyone lol...And the one thing i always tell my kids is no matter how old or what they think they will always get a hug and kiss....When my step daughter was 3 this was called great and awesome that we where close... one poster mentioned that her girl or whatever was getting breasts and on her period and such. WTH does that have to do with anything. I was the mom to my kids i stayed home i laid with them when they where sick **** i got sick with them lmao..point being . the only issues here are its a man and a so called not his kid daughter...ppl need to grow up yes sometimes theres bad **** out there i agree.. But in a world where BS trumps and emotions are tools to destroy ppl. all this makes since...so heres a thought to all you woman accussing or thinking there man is being weird or whatever ....next time you see them being whatever or cuddling on couch go body slam them lmao and get invovled 9 times outta ten your concerns have warrented you detached and left you to make assumptions...when the hell did a hug or what ever become so fn crazy...if your jeolous of your stepdaughter how bout you just grow up and if you feel the stepdad and daughter are to close ask yourself why your daughter isnt like that with you. you might just find the answer....cause in the end if not careful you could destroy and devistate everyone involved... If theres proof of sex call the cops. if you suspect just ask and then go from there. im one of these dads you talk about. Now i never took baths or showers now that one i read was even messed up to me...But everyone needs to walk very lightly on these issues because im one that went from seeing my kids and then literally over night not getting them ....all because someone said ****.Funny part of all of it is ive treated my sons the same exact way ..but it was my daughter that isnt allowed to be around .....so in turn ive lost a kid do to accusation but messed up enough i get my other two sons...basically tread lightly because im apperantly good enough to be a dad to my boys but apperantly because i have a girl.im all the sudden not healthy.15 yrs gone in a sweep all because my daughter grew up...BTW shes 16 and just got excepted to college premed whoop. I also homeschooled my kids. "Sorry shes still my brat and im stoked as **** that shes making it"
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Avatar_m_tn
All I can say Is i have a step daugher 16 and her and my son are the world to me.. All i can say to all these responses are that. where some of the issues seem warrented for the most part. ppl need to also remember. that roles of parents have changed. Woman have become so cold and callased. they forgot that there roles. woman where created emotional to be emotional.....meaning teach the children emotions.... i am a guy and have always been a very emotional person..meaning im huggy to everyone lol...And the one thing i always tell my kids is no matter how old or what they think they will always get a hug and kiss....When my step daughter was 3 this was called great and awesome that we where close... one poster mentioned that her girl or whatever was getting breasts and on her period and such. WTH does that have to do with anything. I was the mom to my kids i stayed home i laid with them when they where sick **** i got sick with them lmao..point being . the only issues here are its a man and a so called not his kid daughter...ppl need to grow up yes sometimes theres bad **** out there i agree.. But in a world where BS trumps and emotions are tools to destroy ppl. all this makes since...so heres a thought to all you woman accussing or thinking there man is being weird or whatever ....next time you see them being whatever or cuddling on couch go body slam them lmao and get invovled 9 times outta ten your concerns have warrented you detached and left you to make assumptions...when the hell did a hug or what ever become so fn crazy...if your jeolous of your stepdaughter how bout you just grow up and if you feel the stepdad and daughter are to close ask yourself why your daughter isnt like that with you. you might just find the answer....cause in the end if not careful you could destroy and devistate everyone involved... If theres proof of sex call the cops. if you suspect just ask and then go from there. im one of these dads you talk about. Now i never took baths or showers now that one i read was even messed up to me...But everyone needs to walk very lightly on these issues because im one that went from seeing my kids and then literally over night not getting them ....all because someone said ****.Funny part of all of it is ive treated my sons the same exact way ..but it was my daughter that isnt allowed to be around .....so in turn ive lost a kid do to accusation but messed up enough i get my other two sons...basically tread lightly because im apperantly good enough to be a dad to my boys but apperantly because i have a girl.im all the sudden not healthy.15 yrs gone in a sweep all because my daughter grew up...BTW shes 16 and just got excepted to college premed whoop. I also homeschooled my kids. "Sorry shes still my brat and im stoked as **** that shes making it"
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Avatar_f_tn
I wish I knew the answer. My SD is 16 - she climbs onto her dad's lap, will sit right up against him and drape her leg around him, get right in between us pushing me out of the way and walk along side of him hanging arm in arm...last night I witnessed her playing 'footsie' under the table at a restaurant with him. I've sat down calmly to discuss this behavior with him and his response is always he didn't notice. When he talks to his daughter about these things he ALWAYS puts the 'blame' on me for needing to stop...'SM thinks its wrong and wants it to stop' rather than recognizing himself how inappropriate things are. I've told my DH now I will no longer go anywhere with the two of them together because its disgusting to watch. He acts all upset and says I don't like his daughter. SD lives with us so DH tiptoes around bad behavior for fear that his daughter will want to leave and live with her mother. I'm finding myself completely disgusted everytime I'm in their presence.
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Avatar_m_tn
I totally feel your pain!
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Avatar_f_tn
I know exactly how you feel i have a 9 year old stepdaughter and my husband is 30 before me and him started dating she would sleep in the same bed cuddled up and my stepdaughter is a heavy sleepier that got my attention.. well it gets worse i was using my husbands phone one day and got online "google" it had in the search bar (daddy daughter sex) it was incest porn... my heart dropped i was so discusted. And since she is 9 they still kiss on the lips like pecks and she sits on his lap.. and their was one time she was sittin on his lap and got up to do something and his penis was hard..... i was speachless. And another thing her body is shaped like mine ib a way mine is just more mature..
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