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Just a little frustrated.....
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Just a little frustrated.....

I am sick of being accused of not showing all the kids "equal" attention.  For God's Sake, my BABY is ONLY an INFANT!!  I just had to let that out.  

How am I expected to show "equal" attention when my daughter needs me for everything?  She can't clean her own behind when she has a dirty diaper, she can't put a fresh one on her own little but, she can't feed herself, she can't give herself a bath or clothe herself, she can't hop in bed when she is tired by herself, and  she can't even blow her own NOSE, I have to suction it out whe she is conjested.  

I feel like he is not giving me a fair chance in this.  Of course I am going to pay more attention to her SHE IS A BABY.  I still cook, clean, take care of the dogs, wash clothes for everyone, I still spend the time that I can with EVERYONE.  My baby NAPS like 3 times a day, during the day while everyone is at school and work.  I am just so flustered.  How can I do this?
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Why does he think that you are not giving the other kids equal attention?  Why doesn't he take over some of the new baby duties and give you a break so that you can pay attention to the other children?  I would tell him that next time he makes a comment like that.  It's only normal for the full attention to go onto the new baby.  They are incapable of caring for themselves.  Even parents with multiple children know that it's a juggling act.  One parent has to pick up the slack for the other one while they are caring for the newborn.  It's just common sense.  I would be frustrated as well BabyH.
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I was just about to PM you with this!  Thanks for responding.

He gets upset at the slightest thought of his kids loving their step-dad as much as they love him.  He feels that the kids will always, and should always, love him and his ex-wife MORE than they will ever love me or their step-dad.  But then he honestly thinks that MY life should revolve around ALL of the kids equally.  I do not understand the logic behind his thinking at all.  His kids get anything and everything that they want from him and his ex-wife.  He pays BOOKOOOS in childsupport.  I made an *** out of myself last night because I told him that I wanted the SAME amount that he pays in childsupport per kid each month put into Ava's Fat Kat account... that is only fair.. right?  He supports this household, and he helps support two other households.  The kids moms have to pay for electricity for themselves, food, water, gas, car insurance, all of this they would have to pay for themselves to survive just like we pay in this household... so it is only fair that Ava get "support" as well to make it fair.  Of course he didn't want to go that deep.  I shouldn't have went there, I know.

I am just hurt and confused.  Just when I thought I had it all together.  
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When I said "per kid" I meant that if you split what he pays "per kid" that Ava should get an equal amount to ONE kid.  :)  Hope that made sense.

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We often say some things that we don't mean when we are so upset.  I think that he's being very selfish.  I think it's wonderful if the kids loved their step-dad and you that much.  They will never love anyone more than their parents but it is a blessing that they are loved by so many.  Would he rather them not get along with the step-dad and then have all this drama?  Well as far as support, I think Ava gets more since he's there with her so I don't think that's an issue.  But I think you are just feeling like he makes the other children priority over the daughter you two share together.  Have you two thought about going to counseling to resolve some of these issues?  That might help to have a third parties perspective.  Maybe your fiance can understand where you are coming from.  I know when Jayden was first born my fiance and I bumped heads tremendously.  We almost broke up a dozen times because we didn't agree on a lot of things.  Eventually we started communicating and meshing better after time.  A new baby brings on different issues and stressors in a relationship and sometimes you have difficulties seeing eye to eye.  Maybe you both are going through some of that?  
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I brought up support because we do not spend anywhere near the amount on Ava that he does on the other kids, even though she IS here.  She gets pampers and wipes, THAT'S IT.  Even if we did not buy her the things that we buy the other kids because she cannot enjoy them right now, we could atleast put that money away for her for when she is bigger.  That is only fair.  He spends very little time with her when he is here.  She can't just hop down out of her swing, or out of her crib or bassinett and hop up in his lap like the other kids.  She sits and waits for someone to want to spend time with her.  He uses that LAME *** excuse "Ava is here everyday", that is BS!!  She still DESERVES the same amount of time, and the same amount of "things" as the other kids do.  No matter if she is an infant or not, she still deserves the same amount of effection, and attention.  It is NOT HER FAULT that mommy and Daddy are "together", she should not be made to feel guilty, or miss out because we are together.  And you are right, I think we need counseling.  Let a therapist tell me how to treat these kids equally, and let him/ or her try to explain to me how it is that his kids should love me less, but I should love them equal to my own child.
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If anything Ava should get more attention because she is there with him.  I'm wondering if he pays attention to the other kids more out of guilt.  Guilt for not being there with them every day, guilt for having another child.  I know you said he sees them all the time but maybe in his mind he is trying to prove that just because he has a new child doesn't mean that he doesn't love his other kids.  Like I said, this is his feelings and is not how it truly is.  Some men don't know how to deal with babies when they are so young.  Some wait until the baby is older and then become more interactive.  My fiance enjoys our son a thousand times more now that he's older and playful.  When he was younger he just didn't know what to do.  He was very LAZY when it came to him.  He's still got his moments but he's a lot more attentive then before.  I think your fiance is very confused and doesn't understand where you are coming from.
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I am the one who is confused.  :)  I thought we all were on the same page.  Then out of nowhere last night he started battling me again.  Ava is my life, plain and simple.  I am her mother, she NEEDS me for everything, that's a fact.  I'm just going to let this roll off of my back.  If he wants to compete for attention, then he can have at it with the others,  I'm going to live my life happily.  Ava is a great baby, and he had his third daughter for the first 4 months of her life ALONE because her mother was a druggie and an alcholic... so he does know what he's doing.  :)

It's not healthy for him to make us feel this way because we are here with him.  He needs to see a therapist.  I can't help him.
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I'm sorry that you are going through this, especially when this should be the happiest time of your lives.  All I can say is enjoy your daughter and try not to let him make you feel bad for being a good and nurturing mother to Ava.  He should be a little bit more understanding to you knowing that this is your first biological child and have some respect for that.  Hopefully you two can work through this but you have the best thing that ever came from this relationship and that's your daughter.
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Thank you for talking me through this.  I do think we can work through it.  Of course last night was like the night before never happened.  But I did bring it up again, only to get an apology.  That is not what I wanted.  I wanted to talk completely though what it is that bothers him so much, so that we do not have to revisit that conversation again.  I did ask him what it was that I do for Ava that I do not do for the other children, and to give me an example of how I put her before any of them, and he could not give me one example.  He said he "just wanted me to understand that ALL of them need my equal attention, and the we are ALL as important to you as Ava is".  Still don't understand what it is he wants from me.  I would gladly step back, like you said earlier, and let him handle some of Ava's needs while I color or make mudd pies with the other girls.  I mentioned that... we will see how that goes.

Thanks again for talking me through this.  I am sure the conversation will resurface.  Until then I am going to do my best to contiously watch what it is I do while the girls are here, to make sure that I am dividing my time equally.  :)
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I'm wondering if the other girls have said something to him that's making him think this way.  Maybe they are feeling like your attention has shifted.  But him being the father should explain to them why it's like that.  Instead he's seeing it from their side only.  Just keep reinforcing to him that you love his girls regardless.  But he also needs to make an effort to include you in all the family fun times.  He doesn't want you to treat them differently but yet you are excluded a lot of the time.  

I'm here for you anytime you need to talk hon.  
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Thank you!  I heard his 5 year old a couple of weekends ago tell him that she wanted her mommy to live here with him, and he said "you want mommy to live with Daddy and Miss Malissa" and she said "No, I do not want Miss Malissa to live here if Mommy lives here".  That tore my heart to pieces.  He had no response for her, just a hug.  I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not.  Earlier that day we did all sorts of fun things together.  We had been upstairs playing dress up, we had taken cute pictures, we spent time in the yard on the swings, we made icrecream cones that night, after they helped me make dinner.. which we had blueberry pancakes that night :).  I don't know where that came from, or why she said it.  She was stuck to me like glue the entire day.  Then she says that to him.  I know it's hard to get into a 5 year old's head to understand the emotions she must feel.  She probably was feeling guilty that she was having fun with me instead of her Mommy.  I don't know.  I am confused.

I don't know if they said anything to him, but I doubt they did.  I don't believe that they want that extra time with me.  They spend most of their time playing while they are here.  They may pass by and kiss the baby, but they have TONS of things to keep them occupied.  They hop up on my lap when they want, or they play with my hair, or they lay on the bed and talk to me while I feed Ava, they take the time that they want, and I happily spend it with them.  :)  They are used to having a large family.  At their moms home they have the two of them, a half brother, a step sister and a step brother, so there are 5 kids total in their moms home... their step dad has 50/50 custody.  My fiance' fought for that, but his ex wife would not comply.  There are soo many outside infulences with the kids.  They have her mom and dad, my fiance's mom and dad, they have their step dads mom and dad, then there is my mom and grandma now, and my fiance's grandmother is still alive ... so in all they have 6 grandmothers, and 3 grandfathers.. they have 2 moms, and 2 dads, they have 5 sisters, and 2 brothers, and a TOONNNNN of Aunts and Uncles.  :)  It's GREAT having such a large family. But difficult to juggle because EVERYONE wants to give THEIR opinions.  

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He really shouldn't let her say that and not make a comment back.  It is difficult for her to understand, that's when he has to step up and explain things to her.  It's hard when the kids are still so young.  My step kids are already older and are capable of understanding things and are more accepting of me.  How long had your fiance and his ex-wife been separated before you and him got together?
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They have been separated for 4 years, divorced for 3.. you have to be separated for a year in NC before a divorce will be granted.  Their 5 year old was only 1 when they separated.  

I felt he should say something too, but he didn't.  I have pictures of them that day that she said it in my profile.  It was 6/30/08.. I got my days mixed up earlier.. we went to the pool that day, and had blueberry pancakes for supper.  :)
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That's so strange then.  I can't understand why she would be upset that her parents aren't together anymore.  It seems that she wouldn't have even remembered when they were together since she was so young and they were apart such a sufficient amount of time when you and him got together.  He definitely needs to stand up for you a little more.  You need to tell him though, men suck at mind reading....lol.
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I think she listens to her older sister alot when she talks about her mommy and daddy living together.  She trys to hold on to little things and often talks about things like being able to push the garage door opener with her mommy to let her daddy into the garage when she was smaller.  I think she wishes that she could have experienced those things like her big sister did.  It breaks my heart to see her in pain.

They are here right now, getting ready for bed.  I love them dearly.  :)
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Well it's obvious that you do love them and that's a beautiful thing.  All I can say is to keep giving them that love.  In time she will get older and remember all the times you've cared for her.  You hold a special place with them whether or not they realize this now.  They will in time.  Hopefully you and your fiance can get through these challenges and come out a stronger couple.  Just keep the communication open with him and don't be afraid to tell him how you feel.
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Wow, you have so much going on right now. What great conversation you and Mami have shared and I thank you for sharing these conversations on the forum. I have only posted a few times on the Maternal and Child forum but I check in over there frequently as I have a huge interest in the field of children/child development (thus I stop here when I get a chance).

I basically hang out at the Ovarian Cancer Forum (long story) but I love checkikng in on the forums that deal with raising children, since it is near and dear to my heart...and, espcially now that I work with troubled youth, well, there are so many problems that I see could have been prevented ...IF ONLY!!!  I am not naive enough to think that all problems can be solved by good, solid parenting, based on a Positive Parenting model, but honestly, MANY problems could be avoided if only people would realize that Positive parenting WORKS and works very well...


...Anyway, I am a licensed Parent Educator and Pre-school teacher, but I also am a mental health therapist and a teacher working in a Day Treatment Facility for troubled Youth.

The reason I want to share my background is because I want to pay you a compliment and I hope you take it to heart.... I also hope that it will sound valid, especially since you do not know me... but at age 55 with the Child Development background I have, well, I feel I have learned SOME things :))

I think you are wise beyond your years. You really "Get It." Don't ever doubt that. I am sad that you are going through a rough patch. I have been married for 28 years *Gak* and Gosh knows, there have been a ton of ups and downs...there were times we went to counseling together (a miracle that he went... and, it did help)...but, I also have gone to therapy myself JUST for me figuring if I could not "change" him, then maybe I could change my reactions to him ( not that my reactions were bad, but at times I just felt like I did not know what to say or where to turn) and he could come along for the ride if he wanted....well, I have to say, the results of this were rather amazing...in a good way. We still have some struggles, but now, unfortunately, the struggles have more to do with things that happen by virtue of just getting older....try as we might to avoid age-related stresses and problems....


What I wanted to say....(sorry to go on and on) ...... I worked years ago with a Brilliant Parent Educator, who used to teach a "Sibling Without Rivalry" class based on the book of the same name....and, she used to say, "It is almost impossible to love your children Equally; You love them INDIVIDUALLY.   I loved that saying....  

Having said that, my spouse and I have only one child (now 22) but even sharing a house with two dogs, a needy spouse and an "only" child...well, you can imagine that at times, I, too, have felt a bit torn....that is when that saying come to my mind and I think....Ah, yes... Individually!!!


Well, hang in there. I think things will get better if only because of your valliant determination.... You DO care about his kids as you care for Ava because you are a caring person..... Well, I am kind of rambling now... but I hope you get the gist of this and I hope you guys can figure all of this out. There is a lot on your plate right now....and your baby is so young....

Oh, one more thing.... I saw the thread on the other forum about the spouse/kids coming first.... I have been meaning to add to that thread... .Heck, I taught a class on this very subject twice a year for all of my classes ....for SIX years.... and the gist of the class was this..."The best thing you can give a child is a good relationship between the parents."  I worked with Parents, Step-parents, Working Mom's and Dad's Single Mom's and Single Dad's...but, believe me, those kids were watching the interactions the adults were making......and funny enough, the kids did not really want to come first (obviously I am not talking about infants...or sudden needs that are of a critical nature, but you know what I mean)..... They just tried to get away with it, you know? They wanted to see solid relationships between the adults caring for them.

Take care, Baby Hardiman.... And, again, trust your inner wisdom...

Sincerely,

Mary
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You are very wise....I love that saying "don't love them equally, love them individually."  That's great.  Thank you for posting this.
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Thanks, Mami. That saying does make sense, doesn't it?

I meant to mention a book that is/was a long time favorite of mine. I am pretty certain it is still in print as I checked about a year ago on Amazon and on Ebay... anyway, it is called, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" .... I can double check on the authors names (two women) tomorrow. I saw one of the woman in person at a workshop years ago and she was awesome. The book is a very easy read (almost a referrence book in a way) which I totally appreciated given the hectic schedule of ANY parent.... like you don't have tons of time to sit and read. The book gives great examples of Reflective Listening and Active listening... Awesome tools when talking with Anyone.

Kids are not born automatically able to communicate well and let's face it, how many adults could use help now and then with good listening skills. But my favorite example from the book (if memory serves me correctly...which I think it does :) goes as follows:

Kid: "I HATE GRANDMA" !

(predictable response would be....Don't SAY THAT!!!  That's My Mother you are talking about...etc....)

OK... so, you have just shut down communication....

A better response (and not that you have to be Happy that the kid said she/he "hates Grandma"...) would be: Hmmm.... You hate Grandma? Wow!  You sound kind of upset. Tell me more.

******OK...side note... I KNOW that this sounds funny the first few times you do this type of listening, but it is Scary how well it works.....*********

So, the kid then says something like:  Well.... last time Grandma was here, she smelled of cigarettes and perfume and you made me kiss her.... I HATE THAT."


"OHhhhhh..... I see....." says the parent/adult.  

OK... I guess I recall this example (unless it was my own paraphrasing of this type of listening since I did teach this stuff for years in Parent Ed classes) because My beloved Aunt Anne smoked like crazy and then just before she and my Uncle would come into the house, she would douse herself in perfume....and, I had to give her a hug or kiss. Luckily, I loved her dearly, but I also have allergies to certain scents.... so this took a toll on me. And, luckily I was past the age where I would hollar "I hate Aunt Anne."


Anyway, just a few thoughts on a book that I often used while raising our own daughter and I recommended it often to my classes...

Mary
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I thank you for your compliments, you do not know how much what you said opened my eyes.  I have been struggling with my own issues for quite sometime now.  Trying to determine if how my fiance' parents his children is acceptable to me.  It turns our that I have had the wrong frame of mind the entire time.  Now that I have read what you wrote, and can look back on the past year or so, I do see how he has tried to love each child individually, but at the same time try to show them equal effection.

Whats difficult for me is the changes that the kids go through on a weekly basis.  It seems that one week they love me, then the next week I can almost see hatred in their eyes, and that hurts.  My own father died when I was only 2 years old, so I do not know what it must be like to have a father love me as much as Craig loves our chidren.  How it must feel to love him soo much and to be able to receive that love back without feeling sad because you know that in a few hours he will not show you that love anymore, this is the way it was for me growing up.  My step-father would show just enough love to hurt us because we craved that attention, and we needed the security.  So, why do I feel sometimes like my fiance' is "spoiling" them because he showers them with love?  Why do I get angry at the thought of him wanting me to feel guilty that I spend my own extra time with my infant daughter, when I know how much it hurt when my step-dad played with my sister, and bounced them around on his lap while I sat across the room and watched.  You know, I just wish tha I could break free of all this confussion and just love life, and live it the way I always said that I would as I was growing up and looking back on my childhood.  

The kids are SOO different.  His 7 year old LOVES people, and wants to be involved in every conversation.  I remember growing up and having my mom and step-dad demand that we leave the room when they began to talk, and that ALWAYS happened... we spent more time in our rooms than as a family.  So, I feel this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I have the thought of asking her to leave.  When we went to the lake thsi past weekend my mom and I were laid across the bed talking about some things that she is going through with her healthy, and our 7 year old climbed right inbetween us while we were talking and began asking questions.  I was confused about what to say to her.  She I have told her to leave the room, or should I be happy that she wanted to be envolved?  She showed true concern, she is much more advanced mentally that I was a 7 and I'll have to bet that her upbringing is the reason she is soo much more advanced.  I didn't have it that way.  I was brought up with manners, but did not receive mental stimulation unless it was at school or church.  

I don't know, now I am rambling.  I probably do not make any sense at all... I'm just trying to work through all these battles that swim around in my head.  I want to live a life without battle, and just give these kids what they need.... a steady balanced home.

Again, thank you.  My Fiance' and I had a great talk last night based on your response.  Thank you for your insight.  This will help me in many years to come.  :)
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Mary - that is an interesting sounding book.  I think every mother should read it if it meant being able to communicate more effectively with their child.  We are so used to disciplining them then actually allowing a discussion where they are able to speak their minds.  Why can't they have feelings as well?  They are human to.

BabyH - it sounds like these posts have really helped you to see down a different path.  This is great to hear that you were able to shed some light on some of your own feelings and you can sort of understand a little more where your step-children are coming from.  Yes, discipline needs to exist or else there is no structure, however, there must also be some sort of balance between that and allowing them to be what they are and that's children.  It seems like your fiance does have a tough job, trying to please his many daughters, keep peace with the ex's and then make you happy as well.  Could you imagine how many ways he's being emotionally torn?  All this is good though, you can grow as an individual, as a step parent, as a new mommy and as a potential wife.  These are learning experiences and stepping stones and at least your open to trying to make your home a great place for everyone.  It's not an easy job but I think you are doing damn good at it.  It's all about self reflection sometimes and seems you have taken a step back and evaluated your living situation.  You will eventually get to that happy place, it just takes work, which you are willing to do.  Good for you.
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The only thing I can say is that the girls are definitly allowed to be children, but they are also given WAYYYY too much freedom.  As adults it is our responsibility to teach them how to use their freedoms... like being able to go into the cabinets or refridgerator and being able to have a CHOICE of what you want as your afternoon snack... we were NOT allowed to do that as kids in my household and I see why now... our girls will stand with the fridge open for an hour to chose what flavor of Sunkist they want, and then they will take a half hour to chose the snack cake that they want, or chip of their choice, or fresh fruit and then 9 times out of 10 they decide on junk food and that they want something othen than what they chose, and the original snack gets tossed.  This is when I think that a parent should make the choice, and that way there will not be 10 things to choose from... make sense?  We have alot of waste in our home.  I take things from my childhood that were good, and that taught me, and I try to use those things.  I don't want to be strict by any means, I just want them to understand that there also has to be boundaries in the home... like our room for instance.. we NEED privacy too, but the kids are allowed to go through our room without asking, and that bothers me.  

Anyway, I just wanted to say that the kids ARE allowed to be children, and I urge that in our home, but there are times when they have entirely too much freedom and they do need rules, structure, and boundaries.  Ya know what I mean?  I also don't expect for my fiance' to be a walking talking jungle gym 24/7 either.... but I want the kids to enjoy him.  

Thanks for the compliments.  There are much more worse things in life than not wanting my fiance' to be a jungle gym.  :)  I have a great life, and a great partner, I honestly do not want to change him.  
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The above post was meant for you.

You are great for me, I just want you to know that.  I enjoy our conversations.  

Whats great about my relationship with my fiance' is that what ever I feel I can say and we will through it.  It may take a few days, but between the time it takes to work it out, we still have fun, love, and laugh with each other.  I enjoy our kids.  I can't wait to see them today!!  I think we are going to play horseshoes with them.  :)  FUN!!
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I really enjoy our conversations as well.  Believe me my relationship is far from perfect as you have seen in my rant on the other forum.  Actually the last post I wrote just shows where my head is at right now.  But I am glad I have you and some of the other women to help me through these tough times and support me.  This site is so addicting and wonderful.  I'm always here if you need me.  Don't be afraid to send me a pm in case you don't feel like posting it in a public forum.  Have great fun with the kiddos tonight.
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I had a great time with them.  I helped them with their homework, and we ate pizza tonight.  Their father got a little upset because they were fooling around instead of getting their PJ's on, and brusing their teeth.  He got onto them pretty hard.  5 minutes later his 5 year old came down stairs with tears in her eyes upset that her Daddy talked stern to her, she started to say something then walked away... I asked her to come back and talk to me.  She climbed up on my lap beside Ava, and told me that she wished that she could be a family with her Moma and Daddy.  I told her that it was OK to feel that way and she started to cry.  She put her arms around my neck and I told her that I loved her, and I told her that it is OK to be sad, and it is OK to talk about how she feels.  She listened for a while, and then she asked me "is Mark Isabell's step daddy too?", Mark is her step-dad and Isabell is Craigs third daughter by an ex-girlfriend.. he has not seen Isabell is over a year.  I explained to her how the families are blended, and she still looked questionable at the end of the conversation.  She held onto me the whole time I talked.  That little girl is hurting inside and I just don't know what to do.  I want to talk to her mother about it just to get some ideas, but her mother doesn't want there to be a relationship between the two of us.  Their mother expects me to go through their father to talk to her, unless it is something simple, like picking them up from school.  I don't know what to say to her.  I do believe that I need to buy the book that Mary 53 has mentioned.  I need to read books on how to blend, and how to extend out family.  There is sooo much for kids to learn in the big wide world, this is something we are all going to have to learn together.  :)
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Sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes... long day.  :)
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Wow... these forums provide for powerful communication, don't they?

I am so grateful that you and Mami found my contributions to this thread helpful. But, you guys are doing all the hard work out there... just remember (as you know) you are building families....

And think about it, Baby H. ... look at what you did for that little girl today... just knowing she can talk with you.... just to have you listen.... all the while getting closer (I cannot think of another word for it) to you and Ava while you snuggled together and talked. Sweet image.....
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I googled the name of the book I mentioned and found the names of the authors.

Here is the information, which I found on Amazon.

***** How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Paperback)
by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish (Author) "I was a wonderful parent before I had children..." (more)  *******

Now, the book is a bit older, since I think it was published in the early 90's, but the message is timeless. I used it all the time while I taught Parent Ed classes. Many of the families I worked with bought the book. And, the parents I worked with were great parents, just like the two of you, but wanted more guidance. And, let's face it, these kids did not come with Directions, you know? Somedays I cannot believe I got our kid to (almost) age 23, but we did and she's a great kid.

Another author I really liked was/is Barbara Coloroso. She is out of Colorado. You can google her name (perhaps along with the word "Parenting" and see what you get). She is great to listen to.... very entertaining, honest, and sincere. I attended two of her workshops. I still use her Stuff... even with my daughter who is back living at home for awhile since she graduated college last year .....But the best example from Barbara C was something I put into place years ago and it worked like a charm, even if it was a bit exasperating....

My daughter had some library books that were overdue. My husband, her Dad, and I were on her to get those library books out of her room and bring them downstairs so we could return them. She kept putting us off. So, one day, She asked for a ride to her best friend's house since they had "Plans."  My daughter, Katie, was about 10 at the time. I said, "Sure, I'll give you a ride to Abby's house.... after you find the library books."

Welllllll!!!!!   SHE NEEEEEDED TO GO TO ABBY'S NOW !!!!!   I Said, "Oh, I know... no problem, Honey, You CAN go to Abby's AFTER YOU FIND THE LIBRARY BOOKS...."

Now, all of this had to be said with little emotion. Kids are like black holes in space...and they will try to Slurp you into their emotions....DON'T LET THEM!

So, this exchange continued for about TEN minutes. At one point, I hid my face behind the refrigerator door and ROLLED MY EYES out of her sight.... My husband popped his face around the door and said, "HANG IN THERE HONEY"!!!!!

Oh, we spoke of the fun things she and Abby were going to do "AFTER YOU FIND THE LIBRARY BOOKS."


WEll, guess what?  After this TEN minute exhange..... She gave up....ran upstairs and darned if a minute later, those library books were on the kitchen table.

Now, unfortunately, you cannot say to the kid, "SEE. I TOLD YOU SO"!!!   You have to just move on. I got my car keys and the kid went to Abby's (By the way, they are still best friends :)


It has been nice joining you all in this discussion. I will take more time over the weekend to re-read some of the posts and I will see if I have anything else to contribute that might be helpful... as you said, Baby H... It has been a Long day adn I feel my brain is ready for bed even if I am not!

One bit of off-the-topic good news.... I am on cloud nine since I found out today at my yearly Physical that I REVERSED the bone loss I suffered a year and a half ago (I was thrown into Surgical Menopause in 2000 and this bone loss issue has been huge). I am THRILLED. Ah, the JOYS of old(er) age !!!

Take care,

Mary
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wow..........and now i'm blank lol..........ok i'm back-----my stepdaughter used to think coming to my and her dad's house was a punishment the judge gave her mommy from where mommy got in trouble(i'll have to post that on a journal lol)......but one evening when we got pizza, she just kinda freaked out and cried, and it was her 2nd weekend with us since we'd moved to my DF's hometown.....i was really angry at her mom for telling her that, but i just explained the whole 'visit' thing, in 5 yr old terms....and then asked her if she was upset at me, b/c i live with daddy.....and she said no.....i guess considering her mom, she and i got along awesome.....when she came to our house, she'd go grocery shopping with me before she went to eat with her daddy....and i guess my DF was surprised, b/c he'd been married to my dss's mom, and when she went to KY apparently my stepdaughter made NO niceties when it came to describing her brothers mom lol.....kept calling her "it" instead of "her" etc.....of course, this time last year i did something that will forever damage that relationship(hence a journal later lol), btu i figure later in life, only my DSD can judge me.....i do hope you're able to find a median to this stuff, baby_H.....we're having a baby together now, and i guess i might have the opposite issue you might have(where ava is concerned)....b/c last week i asked just joking if he was going to overcompensate with this baby, since he missed so much with the other 2....he gave me the funniest look, and was flat honest when he said maybe.....i know he'd never give more to 1 than the others, and i think b/c of my own childhood, i've made sure of that....his ex wife, when pregnant, flat out told him to "pretend you didnt have her (my stepdaughter), so we can learn all the new stuff with him (stepson)".....all i can think now(and i've heard her say this also), is WTF WOULD ASK YOU TO FORGET YOUR KIDS?????

ok sorry i went off topic.......but honestly i'm not in your position yet,but i do feel the possibility of it coming when we start bringing the other 2 here for xmas and summer....i've never ever acted like his kids were even my "step" kids, so i don't guess i'm tooo worried, but i am unsure how it's all going to fall into place with a 5 yr old, 8 yr old, and 9 month old.....baby_H please, tell me how you do what you have done!!!!!
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