OK where do i begin my girlfriend is 41 i am 37 her daughter is 13 she has two other kids aged 15 and 10 who i get on with fine.
They see there dad tuesdays and wednesdays and every other weekend he was in a relationship with somebody but it didnt work out and last week told his kids that he has met somebody else and they would be able to meet her soon.
Last thursday the kids came haome the 13 year old was in a weird mood and was being naughty i lost my temper with her and told her off which her mum has always backed me up on and i would with my daughter when we got home she asked her daughter what was wrong seeing as she had came home in a weird moon but she wouldn't tell her mum why then wrote her a note to her note saying please read alone basically saying I have no right to tell her off and saying they she would go and live with her dad.
Now up until they went to their dads I thought I had a reasonably close relationship with the 13 year old and things were going great with me and the whole family situation.
On the Friday they went to their dads for the weekend and she starting saying that I was trying to take her mum away from her and that she wouldn't come home and would live with her dad if I was still here by the time she had to come back.
She then started saying that her mum would always sit with me and not her which isn't true as before she went to her dads in the week she would sit next to her mum and have a cuddle.
She also starting saying how she wanted a holiday with just her and her mum so they could have alone time together.
I feel her daughter is playing some kind of game as when we saw them in town shopping she seemed happy and had a smile on her face.
me and her mum have both tried talking to her last Friday night she started again saying stuff like how her mum didn't spend time with her and sit next to her any more and generally giving lots of attitude towards her mum her brother and older sister wer,e going on a scout camp on the Saturday so i thought it would be a good idea that she had a friend over to stay the Saturday night and that we would go to the cinema and for something to eat which her mum agreed and asked her daughter,s friends mum if that was OK however after she started giving t he attitude on the Friday we both agreed that she did.nt deserve to have a friend over to stay.
On the Saturday morning she started getting funny because i wanted to go shopping after we dropped the other two off at camp and was saying "why does he have to go" and that she has a right to say goodbye to her brother and sister.
We then went shopping and then went to my girlfriends mother who also had a chat with her about how she was making everybody unhappy and she seemed to change her attitude.
On the Sunday the other returned from their scout camp the youngest was tired and trying to relax but she just started annoying him and everybody else.
On the Monday which was the 30th she went to school my girlfriend when to work but asked me to strip t he beds on doing so I found her diary and had a look inside.
It basically said that she was unhappy that the other two had to come home and that i was trying to be her dad (which i am not).
Her sister has told her mum and me that she has been taking pictures of beds both here and her own dads bed which i find quite disturbing.
I ended up losing it with her on the Monday night and shouted at her which i know was wrong but by girlfriend did back me up which was good.
She went to her dads on the Tuesday and Wednesday and sent her mum a text saying that i have no right to shout at her as I am not her dad or her family and that i am not in her life.
Me and my girlfriend arnt sure on how to deal with her so some reasonably mature advice would be great.
Sounds like she needs some one on one time with her mother alone; your girlfriend. I would encourage "mother and daughter" nights or lunches or shopping days or spa days. Give her the time alone with her mother and see if that works.
I feel for you because you are in a difficult position being you are only the bf and not the child's stepfather and she is probably resenting the fact that you are disciplining her which is more of a role of a stepparent and even then limited.
The child should ONLY be disciplined by her mother, not you. If you have a problem with the child you should talk with your girlfriend about it and not directly address the child. That's the BIG mistake you are making.
Leave the parenting and disciplining to her parents and take a step back.
I find it a bit intrusive for you to be reading the child's personal diary being you aren't her parent. You should have been ONLY stripping the beds not snooping. I can't agree that was ok. Sorry. I don't think you would like it if she went into your personal things. Just give her some mutual respect regarding that.
How long have you been seeing her mother? Sounds like not long. You are putting yourself in a stepfather role and I can't say I will agree with that.
This child has alot to cope with....a father bringing "this girl and that girl" into her life plus her mother is with you and she feels you are snuffing all her mother/daughter time out. Then you are taking on the role of stepfather when you aren't. Very confusing and scary for this child in particular. Have her mother talk with her alone. She probably feels every time she turns around there's you with her mother. Give her that "alone time" with mom.
I am not saying a 13 year old should be "running" the show and telling a parent who he/she can see or what he/she can do, but her mother should be sorting this out with her daughter alone. If you two were married, my opinion would be different.
You are not her dad nor her stepdad, and that means, sorry but no matter how much attitude she cops, you have no right to shout at your girlfriend's child. She's going into puberty and needs her mom. No matter how much you like sleeping with her mom, you are acting like the kids are a barely tolerable necessary evil, as in, if I want the mom, I have to attempt to get along with the kids. You aren't acting like you have genuine care and concern for them as people. (If you were the guy who had sat by her bedside all night when she was three and had a fever, my opinion would be different.) Poor kid, she has a father who is exposing her to girlfriends, you are there taking space that she needs, right at a time when she's getting hit with hormones. She's going to be out trying to find a boyfriend soon to give her the unconditional love and undistracted (and undramatic) attention she needs, if she can't get it from her mom. We hear from so many significant others of people with kids, and the questions are never "How can I understand what this child is going through and help?" but always "This kid is being a pain in the behind, how can I get her to straighten up and fly right?" Hey, she's 13. She's been kicked out of one secure family nest by virtue of her parents splitting up. She has no security of relationships; dad's screwing around with one person after another, and mom's got a boyfriend but not husband. (Sorry.) She's scared and lonely as her body is changing. You are sitting next to her mom when she wants to chat mom-to-child. You can't help it, you're in the way, at a time when she really needs support.
Give her and her mom some time away from you. Sorry.
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