I posted this question in the expert forum but I'd like some advice from those who are going through it as well!!
My fiance and I are getting married next year. He has a toddler child from a previous marriage and they have been separated since the child was an infant. I want nothing more than to be the best Stepmother I can to the child. I love him dearly and treat him like he's my own. During the time after my fiance's separation, he relied on his mother and grandparents to help with the parenting role. At times, the child was spending all day with the grandparents for daycare purposes and then staying several evenings a week overnight as well. Whether this was right or wrong at the time is in the past, but it is causing major problems with myself and my soon to be in-laws. When I came into the situation, there were some things from the outside that I shed light on for my fiance and he in turn has decided to make some changes with his son, (examples - sleeping in his own bed, socializing the child with other children through preschool, and making sure his son is spending the night with him). Since then, his mother and father have now treated me horribly, which I'm led to believe is out of fear that I may take their place with the grandchild.
Even though every grandparent should play a role, I feel strongly that she is overstepping her role as a grandparent, even if she was put in a position to be more of a mother. She feels the need to call the shots for the grandchild and has even made decisions for the child's wellbeing without my fiance's knowledge! She blames me totally for all of the changes that have been made for the child without her input, but will tell my fiance that she loves me and has no problem with me. How can I continue to work my way into the Stepmother role and deal with her mistreating me because she's now being moved out of a motherly role?
Also, how do I deal with my fiance's mother continuing an overly-friendly relationship with my fiance's ex behind our backs? I worry that this is only going to cause confusion to the child.
Wow, this is a difficult situation. All I can say is, you should be doing nothing, your fiance has to step up and handle this situation. You don't really mention anything about him here. Does he get irritated with his mother? Does he stand up to her? He needs to be the one here, not you. A step parent is very important but really it's his responsibility to make his mother aware that she is the grandparent and although he appreciates her help, he is the parent and should make the decisions and if she chooses to do something then she must talk with him first. He's the father.
As far as her relationship with the ex, is this the child's mother?
I understand completly where ur coming from. and i agree with mami! Your fiance needs to stand up for you. if he is, he needs to keep doing it. me and my husband, soon to be ex, are in the process of a divorce because he didnt stand up for me. I have a 5 yr old stepdaughter who i love with all my heart. But my husband let his parents take control over his daughter and when i came into the picture it scared his family and they hated me. and to this day they still hate me. i tried and tried to get my husband to stand up and be a daddy to his daughter but he couldnt. they wouldnt let him. muchless let me be a step mom. so, when we found out we were pregnant with our son things got worse. they tried to take control with my son. i fought and fought and now they dont even care about my son. and as far as the ex goes, i had the same problem. my situation is causing confusion to my stepdaughter. and i hate it! but i have no control so i have learned to deal with it. thats all us as stepparents can do. just remember as much as u love ur stepchild u have to remember who the parents are to the baby! its hard trust me its hard!
I really wouldn't read too much into the in-laws' relationship with your partner's ex. I have an excellent relationship with my step-daughter's ex, and that doesn't mean I love her any less, even though they can't stand each other. Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept. I am learning to let go of things I have no control over.
The ex and the mother both have a common ground right now - they dislike me and the changes I'm making. They work together not only to make me feel uncomfortable, but to show the child that they get along and that myself and they do not. The child's mother is even to the point of degrading me to the child and he's telling me what she's saying. I have no control over whether mom likes me or not, but if mom and ex are going to put a small child in the middle of that, there's a problem.
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