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What is fair
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What is fair

I am a step-father of three good kids and husband to wonderful woman.                                             Married for only a short time now and it seems our ideas seem to clash now as to a few things.             We recently spoke about saving for a home that we would purchase in the next 2-3 years; I ask that a small portion of the child support be saved as well as portions of our own money. At first  this plan was well received, then a few months later my wife didn’t want to follow that plan, stating we should save just our own money not any of the child support. At first I felt betrayed and wondered would all our agreed upon plans be subject to sudden change at her whim, or could it be that she felt that child support should not be on the table. So now I’m wondering am I hill for asking, I just felt as though sense there three kid in the house that would not be out anytime soon, that it should be a part of our finances. When we married it wasn’t an issue it seem it has become one, one that I really wish wouldn’t be. I don’t want to be perceived as the guy taking from the kids. My son is grown and has been out my house sense before I married so it was just me. Now with a wife and three new kids, I’m wondering where to draw my lines, and with income tax season coming, I find myself asking how that’s going to work.
Tags: MONEY
11 Comments Post a Comment
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134578_tn?1404951303
Unless you intend to put the children's names on the deed as tenants in common, the child support should be used to support the children and (if any is left over) to save for their college, not to save for some house in the future that ultimately will benefit only you and your wife as an asset on your balance sheet.  If you feel strongly about this and your wife is resistant, put the kids' names on the deed as x-percent owners.  Then she would possibly feel OK, unless there is not enough money for the kids' present-day needs if some is taken out to save for this asset.  Their child-support money is for them, not for you.  If you did not have a house and it helped to cover rent, that would be one thing, but if you do have a place to live, it should go for their other needs.
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134578_tn?1404951303
To put it more simply, when your son was growing up, if his grandma gave him money to get some jeans for his birthday, did you expect him to contribute a small amount of it to cover the house payment?
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1268057_tn?1399131913
I will agree with your wife......child support should not be going towards BUYING a home in the future.  The money is FOR the children for NEEDS that exist NOW.  

I think you wife she have the last word on this since it involves her children.

I would suggest using your own money.  
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Avatar_m_tn
As it stands for the last past ten mouths thier support had stopped as it often does in alot of cases, but thier needs still go on as usual; trips to school, daycare, food expenses, helath care and all the little extras in between still go on. As their sub father i still provide along with their mother with out fell and i accept that. I think,like you that the support is for them to help provide assistance with keeping a roof over thier heads food in thier tummies. So do you think i should stop feeding them till it starts back. I love my wife and want her dreams to see the kids grow comet through in proper fashion, she want a bigger house. Just looking for a clue with out feeling shorted      
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Avatar_m_tn
.As it stands for the last past ten mouths thier support had stopped as it often does in alot of cases, but thier needs still go on as usual; trips to school, daycare, food expenses, helath care and all the little extras in between still go on. As their sub father i still provide along with their mother with out fell and i accept that. I think,like you that the support is for them to help provide assistance with keeping a roof over thier heads food in thier tummies. So do you think i should stop feeding them till it starts back. I love my wife and want her dreams to see the kids grow comet through in proper fashion, she want a bigger house. Just looking for a clue with out feeling shorted       .
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1268057_tn?1399131913
"So do you think i should stop feeding them till it starts back.".........ABSOLUTELY NOT.  You as their stepfather have accepted the responsibility help your wife care for these children especially if they are LIVING with you and your wife......IMO.  The child support ALONE shouldn't be counted upon.  

I guess I am a bit confused about what your situation is.  

If your wife is getting child support "here and there" then you really can't count on that anyways in regards to the savings for a house.

Regards if the child support is "here and there" there is NO need for it to be an "issue on the table" in regards to the savings for this house.

If you don't have enough money of your own (you and your wife) to buy this house, then that's that.  You can have ONLY what you can afford.  If she wants a "bigger" house then you have to have the money and that's NOT including child support.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
"Just looking for a clue with out feeling shorted".........?
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for the input i think you are correct, you may be a bit confused, Dont need thier support for me personally,  However if i am to be held responsable for them as a stepfather then why prevent any attempt on my part to better thier situation, I guess people hear me say this and cry fowl play but dont realize that what their saying  but thank you for your time.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
I am merely giving an OPINION on what you have stated here.....nothing more and nothing less.  I totally agree with your wife and what she is doing is the "fair" thing.  

Make their life better using and depending on your money then.  If you can't, then make due with what you have.  A new house is NOT a "necessity" but a "want" in this situation.  

The child support SHOULDN'T be used towards savings to purchase a "new home" especially if the home you have is adequate.  

Leave this "off the table."   I would ASSUME you wife is feeling perhaps the same way as she is NOT doing this anymore.  So go with that.  

Once again......AGREE with your wife.  

I guess I am a bit confused about what your situation is MEANING what exactly is the problem here?  I really don't see a problem here.    

If you are feeling "shorted," then I would suggest you do some real "soul-searching" about this and ask yourself "is this worth it?"

That's what I think is fair.

All the best.  
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134578_tn?1404951303
I just think you didn't mention feeling "shorted" when you were raising your first child, your biological son.  You sound like you are doing the math about raising her kids, and either you love her and want to be a father to those kids or you do not, but you certainly should not be counting out the pennies about them if you did not do so with your son.  Stepparents have no business being conditional, the kids come with the person they married.  If you cannot handle that and feel resentful that their money goes directly to supporting them now, not to some ambition for a new house, then as Londres says, search you heart and try to figure out if you are this conditional about the woman you married too.  She came with the kids, you knew this when you married her.  Stop looking at them as income sources, they are not.
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Avatar_n_tn
I can understand where your coming from. Hopefully your wife works to provide for her children and the responsibility isn't solely on you. Especially since the child support is infrequent. I can sympathize with your situation.  I
Know from personal experience when blended families combine finances sometimes the percentage isn't equal. Over time being financially responsible can take its toll on you as a person and on your relationship. You could start to resent your wife and her three kids. I hope you can work it out. Don't be like me and hold it in for 15 years.



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