I have a been a step parent to two for a little over ten years. I have always had a really good relationship with both of the kids, SS 17 and SD 14. My husband has always been very supportive and our relationship with his ex has been fairly drama free, we have always gone to great lengths to insure this.
My SD just started high school this year, and over the last year her BM seems to be almost clinging to her, she calls her 3-4 times a day, and is always showing up at events to spend extra time with her. SD doesn't seem to mind, in fact she seems to think it just shows how much her BM cares about her. We have tried not to respond in kind, thinking that one hovering parent is enough. However my DH has received two phone calls in the past year from SD in tears about how he doesn't seem excited or proud enough of her and why didn't he come to her soccer game that was two hours away, etc., etc. It is really difficult to be compared to SD's BM, she has made SD the center of her universe, even at the expense of SS. My husband is one of the most loving and affectionate men I have ever met, and is constantly telling his kids how proud his and how much he loves them. Today, my DH gave SD a ride to a volleyball game at the high school. He would have gone with her, but didn't want to intrude on her first high school event. SD texted him a few minutes ago saying that her BM was coming to the game and could they go to lunch together. Writing this down makes it seem somewhat trite, but it is frustrating and somewhat hurtful when we are trying to give her space and BM takes advantage of that space and SD seems to appreciate it. I wonder at times like this if we should let SD know that it hurts our feelings, or maybe we should address BM and let her know we don't appreciate her cutting in on things. We don't want SD to feel caught in the middle, but we want her to know we care. And BM seems to be getting more and more pushy and obvious about things. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.
" I wonder at times like this if we should let SD know that it hurts our feelings, or maybe we should address BM and let her know we don't appreciate her cutting in on things. We don't want SD to feel caught in the middle, but we want her to know we care." Don't address this with the SD; you all should address this with the BM. Don't put her in the middle of this.
I think your DH should have gone to the volleyball game or at least asked his daughter if she wanted him there.
Sounds like the BM doesn't have much of life of her own. Does she work? What has happened in her life in the last year; anything serious?
Thanks for responding, you're right - we never want to put SD in the middle and we wouldn't. I was more venting than anything else. BM does work, and seems very happy in her life, I'm not sure why she is being so clingy to SD right now. In truth it doesn't seem to be hurting anybody it is just causing us quite a bit of frustration. We worry a little bit about SS because of the preferential treatment that SD obviously gets from BM, but he seems okay with it as well. He has mentioned it a couple of times, but seems to see it as just a case of boys vs. girls. We are very supportive and positive of BM at all times with the kids. We have never uttered a negative thing about her to them, and we never will. I believe she is the same way - and it shows in how great the kids are doing. I'm having a difficult time taking a step back, and letting things happen naturally. SD is 14 and I'm sure it it normal for her to draw closer to her BM at this time. I think I just need to let that happen and not be jealous. Just to give a little background, we have joint custody - so the kids are with us a week and then their BM a week, we've been doing the same schedule for 10 years.
As a mom with high schoolers - I'm connected to the other moms.
I think it was kind of odd for your husband to drop his daughter off at her first volleyball game and then drive away. In my experience, the volleyball parents are fiercely involved, and they don't miss a single game, not a single one for any reason. (Obviously if they were in the hospital that's one thing.)
Divorced parents go and sit a little distance from each other, but they're both usually there, but the moms are there especially. And the girls are proud of their parents loyalty - my guess is, your SD is a little embarrassed by the fact she doesn't have a dad as a fan of her volleyball team.
Go, be loud and proud! This isn't an event that only one parent can attend.
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