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Why doesnt he want his daughter??
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Why doesnt he want his daughter??

My husband has a 5 yr old daughter who is starting school this month and me and him have a 1 yr old son together. he is a good daddy to his son but not to his daughter. when he walks into the home his daughter lives in he doesnt even show her any kind of love or attention. he shows our son. she lives with his parents but since day one i have tried to convince him to get custody of her. yes, she is good over with his parents but now that we have created a family i feel she should be here with us. why can he go so long without seeing her or paying attention to her? i love her like she was my own child and i want her apart of our lives more than what she is. how can i convince him that he is ruinning his relationship with his daughter? he talks about picking her up but never does. he talks about getting her back but 3 yrs later she still isnt here with us. i have tried to convience myself he sees something i dont but when i ask him y he tells me he doesnt want to have to deal with the biological mother. which is also a sad situation. she doesnt have anything to do with their daughter either. she's to busy going to the bars and getting drunk. what can i do to protect his daughter?? i feel like she is my own. please good or bad advice is appreciated.

thank u
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Avatar_f_tn
Maybe it is his parents that are not willing to give the girl back to him.  Does she call them Mom and Dad, or does she know your husband is her father?
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Avatar_f_tn
she calls his mom mom but he knows him as dad. its such a hard situation. i really want an outsiders opinion. i really want her to be with us because i think thats where she belongs or atleast give her the choice u know. but they wont even talk to us about it anymore.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think at this point it would in your better intersest to discuss this with a lawyer, and a child therapist.  You will need to be prepared for what she may experience in the transition if it does happen.  I don't usually suggest this, but in your case I feel that she may felt torn in trying to decide.

Did the father sign over his legal rights to his parents?  Has there been a paternity test yet?
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Avatar_f_tn
yes he was basically forced to sign his rights over. the mother threatned to take her away and finally when my mother in law convinced her it was for the best the exwife said the only way she would sign her over is if he signed his rights over to. i told him that it was the biggest mistake on his part because of the outcome today. i really didnt want to take it to court and stuff its his parents but its also his daughter . and even if the test came out to her not being his daughter there would be no changing it u know. but, u can see her daddy in her all over she looks nothing like her biological mother, thank god, i know i shouldnt but its the truth. lol. i worry about her, heck i love her. and i'm also worried about what i'm going to say to my son when he gets older. how do u explain that? that his daddy didnt want his big sister but he wanted his son. this is soo complicated.
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Avatar_f_tn
I know it really is complicated.  I wouldn't know where to start to try to guide you in the right direction.  My step-dad was much like your husband, he really didn't want to have anything to do with my sisters and brother after my mother divorced him.  I felt so sorry for them.  But, as they say time heals everything.

If it were me, I would be stern with both your husband, and your inlaws.  Do they even really want to raise this young girl?  Do they have the financial stability to do so?  How old are they, and will they be around when she goes off to college?  These are some very simple, but important questions that his parents must answer.

You are very sweet to want to give your daughter a home where she rightfully belongs.  I wish you luck with this.  I will try to contact a memeber of MedHelp that can possibly guide you a little more.

Good luck!  I wish you the best.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank u. my in laws are finacially stable. but they are already in their 50's and she is only 5. So by doing the math my mother in law will be 66 when she is 18. and the best part of this is my mother in law called me one night talking about when she passes who gets what and told me she wanted my husbands sister to take over with our daughter. i thought by him hearing that he would open his eyes and notice but it didnt do anything. thank u again for ur advice. i am just so worried about her future with my husband and with me. i dont ever want her to think that it was me who kept her away. she has looked at me once and asked me why did u leave me and i told her i would never leave her. it broke my heart completly. it was so horrible and so sad!
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100019_tn?1335923317
Does she have regular visits with you and your husband?  At your home?  If not, maybe by starting those and DON'T wait for your husband to pick her up, you go get her.

If she had regular visits maybe he would become more attached.

But here's a possible truth....she may be better off with her grandparents than with her father.  I say that because my mother detested me.  My father wouldn't marry her and basically forgot all about her after she got pregnant.  I looked like my father and she blamed me for everything bad that happened in her life.  If it wasn't for my grandmother, who I absolutely adored, I would dead, in prison or drugged up today.

If she did come live with you and her father continued to ignore her (because everytime he looks at her he thinks of the mother) it would do more damage than being in a loving home.  I commend your loving her and wanting to give her a good home, but you can't do it on your own.  

To answer your questions why he's like this....I don't know....why didn't my mother want me?  I remember having my mother and step-father walk into a room and ignore me.  I remember the silent treatments, feeling like my brother was king and I was sh*t.

I would hate for your step-daughter to grow up that way.
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Avatar_f_tn
MrsOckert : i would hate that to. and i agree with everything u said. that was a point that i never thought about. i would hope he wouldnt treat her that way but ur right there is a possiblility. as much as i wish he wouldnt think of his ex when he sees her i cant control it. so maybe her staying with the in laws is best. i just wish they would let her come with us more. at the beggining of our relationship i could get her anytime i wanted and now that she is understanding and we have a baby they dont let her come with us. so its all not just one at fault. but, i think the only thing i can do is let her know i am here for her and that i will never turn my back on her, right?
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100019_tn?1335923317
That's a wonderful thing to do.  Maybe the in-laws would let you take for the day...lunch...shopping...or little girls things.  Start slowly and build up.  Make sure you keep calling her like you are doing and staying in her life.  

The grandparents will realize how much you love her.  And in time her father may as well.

Bless you.
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Avatar_f_tn
My step daughter started school today. We werent invited to go with them to bring her. My husband woke up with tears in his eyes. I know its partially his fault but how can i help him with this?? My heart is breaking i hate seeming him so sad! I love my husband and his parents are just hurting him with all this. I need some help!!!
thank u
Much Love!
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635025_tn?1222705251
I Have the same problem to a tee.. my step-daughter is nine know and this all started when she was 18mo's old. we evetually had two beautiful son's and i don't have time or nerves to deal with that situation every day we see his daughter about 2 hr's ever week and it's heart wrenching. But, what do we do as step-moms If the dad's don't even want to persue. We have no legal rights.
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Avatar_m_tn
I think you should keep going over, talk to her on the phone ask her if she wants to go out shopping or out to lunch maybe then she will tell her grandparents she wants to go out shopping with you or whatever and maybe then they will give in and then maybe when your husband sees how great you are with her maybe he will start being there and fight for her to live with you 2.

I think its amazing how your a step mom and you want his daughter more than he wants his daughter. I'm dating a girl who has a 2 year old daughter and she loves her daughter so much and is always there, the ex is still in the picture to and its hard for me to understand that. I'm sure someday i will love her daughter and i want to. (we just started dating) so eveythings still new. But my question to you is how do you deal with your husband being a father when you two started going out when you didn't have any kids. Wasn't it akward for you? I'm afraid feelings come back because of the kids. Say he did care about his daughter would you wonder if he still had feelings for the ex? My friend his dating a guy with a son and he says the only reason why hes there for his son is because its a reminder of his ex and its a way he can be close to her. So maybe if he was there maybe he woulld feel for his ex to maybe thats why hes not there because hes afraid that when he see's her it reminder him of his ex and maybe hes not over her its why hes trying to block alll connections off to not think about her?
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