Ok. first time posting hoping like crazy to get some help. My Boyfriend of 10 years keeps telling me I am defending my 14 yr old son. Example... Today we were going to drive to mountains and of course my son did not want to go. We made him anyhow (all he does is sit at home) and of course we got attitude from him. I got in the car after they did and noticed the tension I asked what was up and my BF pointed to my son and said his attitude. My only reply was "he'll get over it" I right away got snapped at for "defending my son" am I in the wrong here thinking I was not defending him but thinking that he will either get over the fact that he is having to do something he does not want to or learn to make the best of it????
I wonder why you got into the car and immediately asked what the tension was about, given that you guys made the kid come along. Of COURSE there was going to be tension in the car. What were you going to do, make the tension go away by asking?
I was at first going to say that you were simply "not sweating the small stuff" by saying "He'll get over it." But you did sweat the small stuff, since two males in your life butting heads over one of them being 14 *is* small stuff. First asking what the matter was, and then trying to minimize it (which your boyfriend doubtless heard as "Get over it,") probably made your boyfriend feel unsupported in his attempts to get your son to stop being snotty, and less loved or respected by you. That is a whole level more complicated and unpleasant than it would have been if you had simply ignored the surly silence and started out on the car trip in silence.
Sometime when your son is not there, maybe talk to your boyfriend and say that of COURSE your son is going to cop attitude, now and for about 5 years to come, because he is a teenager. That you would appreciate it if he (boyfriend) did not leap to the bait, and that from now on you aren't going to leap to the bait either, and try to fix things when either one of them complains about the other. This is going to be harder for you than for your bf.
They say in the sibling-rivalry books, when something like this starts, you look at him (the complainer) and say in an interested tone of voice, "That must be very irritating to you. What are you going to do about it?"
It's difficult to tell for sure from this what exactly happened. I don't know if I would call it defending him, it sounds more like ignoring the situation and hoping it will go away on its own. I think I would have handled it differently. I probably would threaten to take away a privilege (video games, watching TV, etc.) if he didn't change his attitude. Of course, you would then have to follow through with the threat if he didn't change his attitude.
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