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biological father found after 9 years!
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biological father found after 9 years!

I met my husband when I was 7 months pregnant with another guy's baby. It wasn't planned, but despite the "father's" dis-interest, I had my daughter.
My new guy-back then- who is now my husband, has raised her from birth. They are tightly bonded and he is her world.
Recently, we decided to establish paternity for my daughter. We had been honest with her, from a young age, that my hubby isn't her "biological father", but IS her daddy. At her young age (9), I'm not sure how to handle the situation.
Her biological father says he's ok with my husband adopting her, but would like to meet my husband and me out for lunch or something one day. He just wants to sleep at night knowing she's with good parents. There has also been talk about keeping lines of communication open even after the adoption to give my daughter a chance to meet and talk to her real dad. There is curiosity on both sides.
My question is, will it hurt my daughter to just meet her dad, and then possibly not see him anymore? Or, would it be better to not explore that and make the adoption a final thing and close the door until she's older? Will she resent us not letting her get to know her dad later on? Will she be forever curious about him? Will that cause her problems. To meet him or not to meet him...that is the question. I can't be un-biased in this situation, so I don't KNOW what decision to make...HELP
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Avatar_f_tn
I think it you are correct in being honest from her about this situation.  It is my opinion that introducing her to her biological father would be a little overwhelming for her at this young age.  Having them meet may cause her to interpret this as as rejection, in that he met her but does not want to be a large part of her life.  She may feel that she did something to cause this.  Again, in my opinion, the meeting is something that can be done later.  I would worry that this would breed insecurity.  She is lucky that your husband is such a loving father, at this age that is what I would focus on.  Good Luck!
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282524_tn?1348492612
if her bio father is a good role model for her i wouldnt see a problem with it. i think she would have alot of angry if you and her dad dont at least let her meet him.
i also have the same problem.......
when i was 18 i was hang around the wrong crowd, i was raped at a party, and a month later i find out i was pregnant, i thought and prayed it was my boyfriends at the time. but 10 months later i found out that the person that raped me was my sons bio. until this day it makes me sick but i LOVE my son now 8 more then life its self. the bio is also a child molester he spent 5 years in prison for it, i tried 2 time to get him charged but nothing happened. my son doesnt know anything about him and i would love for it to stay that way but i know one day the truth will come out. my son only knows my husband as his dad.
well i wish you and your family the best of luck and god bless
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Avatar_m_tn
First of all, how dare he want to meet you to see if you [both] are suitable!!!!!  I would take that as another slap in the face.  He disappears for 9 years and then comes back to give approval.  I don't think so.  Yes, your daughter has feelings, but you have them too.  When she is 18, she can make her own decisions, but the toughest decisions we parents make are all for the protection of our KIDS.  Kids are not made to understand things at the momment.  She will because you have been utmost from the begining.  I have 2 step daughters and currently only 1 bio fathers is sort of in her life, but I have strict lines on that.  Daughter 2 does not know anything about her bio father which is best.  If in fact, when she is old enough to venture out to find  him, those doors she has to turn for herself.  Explain to Mr. Invisible his chance is 9 years gone.  You don't know what worms this 'worm' will try to damage your daughter with.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree that her bio father has no right to demand ANYTHING of you after not being around for the first nine years of your child's life. That being said, I do find it reasonable of him to want to meet your husband before signing over custody completly, but only if your hubby is comfortable with it. He is after all the one who stepped up and acted like a man in this situation. As far as having your daughter meet him, well thats a tricky situation, if it were me I'd want to wait until she was a little bit older, maybe closer to ten or eleven, just so that she is old enough to understand the situation, and then let her deside if she wants to meet him or not. In the mean time maybe you could give him some pictures of her growing up, so he at least has a little something by way of connection. The best thing to do is just take it one step at a time, see how the lunch goes, what kind of shape he is in and what kind of person he is now (a lot can happen in 9 yrs) before desiding if you want him in your daughters life or not
                   Chels
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Avatar_n_tn
I was either not born yet or at least never remember my "bio-dad".He signed papers for me to be adopted by "Daddy" when I was 2 yrs.(& signed to give up other kids around the same time to another couple of  "dads") I always knew mom had been married before to the one that was 1/2 responsible for my being here.I also knew how much "Daddy" loved me! Daddy raised me,loved me,taught me etc.. I never doubted his love........I never doubted the lack of love on "bio-dads" part either! (he left mom for reasons that were very immature & admittedly never looked me up) I have never been bitter about it because I did have a wonderful mom & dad who loved me!  Did I want to know him? Well no. I wanted to see what he looked like and ask medical questions. I never did that while mom  was alive out of respect for her. (the marriage was very painful to her in-spite of it lasting only a couple of months) I did just look him up......with "Daddy's" blessing and his willingness to even help.I called and I got a totally different story than what I grew up hearing! Of which I am NOT shocked! Who am I to believe?That is a no brainer to me......the ones who took their time energy and most of all shared their love for me! I will still go meet him but I have not ever thought of having a relationship with him. I don't need a "Dad"........I have one!
Life affects us all differently.How well I adjusted to my life might not be the same  for someone else. But no matter what...... the child NEEDS to understand the love of the parents and know that the other (bio) gave them the best he could offer. Yes! The best......he was obviously not equipped to be a DAD or he would have taken the job!
I KNOW I had a much better life and I have not yet met "him"! I did talk to him and in one conversation it was proven! How? If for no other reason I grew up knowing I was loved by my "parents"and God! "He" doesn't know God much less want too! How sad!!
I am thankful Momma & Daddy did not hide the bio subject from me though it was not often talked about.I do not even remember not knowing or when I found out. It was not discussed even yearly.I do not feel rejected! I feel blessed to have had such a wonderful loving family!
I do not think anyone can say what is the right thing to do in this or any situation like this. It all plays out later in life just like so many of our choices!
If your child should meet "him" I would wonder how she could NOT have rejected feelings that she may not realize until later in life.(because she has a face to the rejected bio now) But that also could still happen if alot is made of the fact that your husband is not her bio dad! It really shouldn't come up unless you don't really want her to feel like your husband IS her dad.And if she has questions......let her feel free to ask them! It is natural to be curious! Most of all she needs to feel unconditional love by Momma AND Daddy!
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