how is it being a step parent?

My girlfriend has a 2 year old daughter I know im not the step father yet since were not married but someday i hope to marry her and we have kids of our own. Is being a step parent worth it? How do you become comfortable with your step kids when you don't even have kids of your own yet? Can you love your step kids as much as your own kids even if you only see your step kids on weeekneds? Also Does anyone believe your husband/wife still has feelings for the ex because of the kids, even a little feelings? How do you feel when your husband/wife talks to the ex does it bother you are you afraid feelings will come back. Have you ever felt that way when we were first dating? These are a few questions i would like to know from people who have been though the experience.

[margypops]

I do believe that you can bond with children if they get enough positive attention from you, and you show that you care ,I think it would be good for them to have a wedding to go to and they see it is a long term loving commited ,relationship.He is a 2year old little boy and that is a perfect age to bond with him, play games  and talk to him ,children are very receptive to having fun.I think the only feelings for an Ex when you have kids is one of having shared parenting and hopefully you have a tolerance for them because of the child. Good luck, you are off to a good start by caring enough to come and ask others opinion.

[Boobear755]

It is the hardest job you will ever have.  Harder than raising your own- because the bond is not there right off the bat.  A lot of times the children will recent you no matter good you are to them.  I have two and I would only reccommend it if your significant other has every single traight you want in a spouse.  If not, run for the hills because it is all up hill until they're 18.  No matter what you do will ever be good enough and I promise the "other" parent- will sabbatoge all your efforts.  Best of luck.

[mike120288]

thank you for the advice. Do you think the person your with still has feelings for there ex because of the kid?

[margypops]

I am sure it is not always  that ,it is one opinion,and what has happened to them as step parents, it obviously takes more tolerance and patience and definatly depends on your personality , I think you can bond with any child if you are with them a lot ,pay them attention ,have fun and games and always see the positive side of their behavior., most children want to be liked and loved and cared for.

[Boobear755]

You will  have to get use to them being in constant contact with the other parent if they are "co-parenting".  But as far as "having feelings" for the other person, I can tell you I don't want any harm to come to my ex (we have two children) but I do not have any feelings for him like that.  

[mommytobeagain]

I have a step child that i have been around to see since she was 2 and now we have a son of our own. Every time i change a diaper or feed him and she's around she always says that i did that for her when she was a "tiny baby". I dont want to tell her no, because i did do that for her just not why she was a tiny baby. I automatically had a bond with my step daughter from the moment i met her. Her mother didnt want to have any part in raising her and neither did my husband. After my in law's i'm the closet thing to her having a real parent. She started school a few weeks ago. and as bad as i wish it was me and my husband going to meet the teacher and all that stuff it's not. But, threw all the opsitcals i still got that bond with her. Its amazing when u walk threw the door and you see how just by going over it makes their day. Step parenting is hard. But you make it the way you want it. I did have a hard time excepting the fact that my husband had a baby with another woman. But, you have to sit back and ask yourself if you can except this baby. Because if you cant, you might lose your girlfriend in the long run. About having feelings for the Ex. My husband hates his ex wife. ( He married her to get his daughter away from her) He hasnt spoke to her since the day of their divorce. So, my situation is different from yours. But there is one thing you need to think about. Your girlfriend and this guy have a baby together, they were together long enough to conceive and have this baby. If she still had any feelings for him she would have never left him. So, sit back and trust her when she says she doesnt. She has to be nice to him for the baby and i can almost bet thats the only reason she is decent with him. Can i love my step daughter as much as i love my son?? Honestly, No i cant. Maybe i am wrong for it but i just cant.  There has been a lot of confilict between me and my in laws because of that. But he is my son. Now, when it comes to my husband thats completley different. My son is my world. I have tried over and over again to do that with my SD but they pull her away from me. Thats why i say my situation is kinda different from what your going threw. Enjoy that lil girl why you can. Look past the fact that she has another daddy then you. Dont look down on your girlfriend because of her past, you have a past as well! I hope this long post was helpful to you! And i'm so terribly sorry if i offended you at all!!!
Best Wishes!!!

[Boobear755]

The baby years aren't the problem.. if you can't love a baby (even up to around 7 or 8) you have issues... it's when you loved them in the beginning and now that they have gotten older that they stab you in the back to save the "face of the other parent".  My step kids mother dogs me, my husband, my children from a previous marriage, and now my 1 year old daughter we have together just because they like all sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. Me... I hope as bad as it sounds they just decide soon to just visit us every other weekend and live with her full time.  I am exhausted from all the drama and my youngest step child is 8 so I still have a long road.  Sometimes I do ask myself iis this really worth it.

[butterfly412]

My boyfriend of 3 years has a 4 year old son. Up until a few months ago, we had him every other week. I don't have kids of my own and had little to no experience with children.  Being a step-mom is the hardest, I seriously mean hardest, thing I've ever done. I'm not going to advise against it, but I am going to advice that A LOT of thought and communication with your GF go into this. One of the things that made it so difficult was that my BF and I had different expectations of my role, and also of his. This led to so many arguments and I felt like a failure. You both need to be on the same page as to  what your role is going to be.

Another thing, there is a myth of an "instant family" that loves and gets along great together. This is a myth - it takes years. Don't put pressure on yourself to love your step-child. And to answer your question, I don't think its a matter of loving step-children as much as your own children. Also, no, I don't believe or fear that my BF has any feelings for his ex. I can tell by their interactions that there are no feelings. When I first dated him, yes, I had those concerns, but they disappeared.

Read books and continue talking to people about this. Its good you're looking into this now so you know more what to expect.

[alwaystheblame]

it ***** you will always be the outsider the enemy and the blame for all that goes wrong cause you do not belong

[nunu1977]

I have my two stepchildren living with us again. It s a long story but we had them in the begining then they went to there mum and now they are back with us... along with my husbands ex and her third husband. Yes i did say my husbands ex is living with us. and no I dont want her living with us but we promised to help her and her husband move here so we could have the kids. it is taking longer for them to get jobs and move out.... Grrr
anyways.... I will NEVER have the bond with my step-children that a real parent will have. my husband knows and understands this. the hardest thing for me is that there real mum does things totally different from me and my husband. I am loving but consistent with rules and discipline. I have a great relationship with my step-kids! they are now 6 and 8. they have been a lot better with there behavior since they live with us now simply because we don't let them walk all over us but we also have great fun with them and give them what they need.
the biggest key is allowing yourself to relax and have fun and let the child know that you are willing to have fun and be friends as well. you also need to work with your girlfriend to know where she is with rules and discipline. I don't spank my step-children and neither does there step-dad. the funny thing is they don't walk all over me like they do there step-dad, but the difference is he lets them and I dont.
As for my husband having feelings for his ex... ha ha in my case that's a joke! the only reason she is in our house is for the kids sake. they have stability with us.  I have absolutely no concerns about how my husband feels about his ex!!!!! in fact I had to stop him from throwing her out that other day because i was worried she would try and take the kids. I hope they are out in there own place with in te next few weeks!
as for you question about is being a step parent worth it.... for me, yes! my husband is worth everything ive been though and you haven't heard the worst of it!!!!! Ill admit it is different for everyone. every situation is different. you need to ask yourself a few questions.
do you feel your girlfriend is a good mum. how do you get on with her daughter? does she want children with you after you get married like you do? why did you ask if anyone is worried if there spouse sill has feelings for the ex... does she do anything to make you ask this?
being a step-parent I think is just as an unselfish act as it is being a parent to your own child. the bond is so different. there are outside matters that can affect the situation. I always knew i would be a parent to a child that wasn't my own. givin it happened totally different to what i expected. i thought i would get married, have my own then adopt. but, i love my husband and totally except his children in my life. Im not going to say it was easy... but it can be done.
you say that you will only see her on the weekend.. does that mean that her daughter lives with her dad?

[nunu1977]

oh and yes i do want my step-kids mum to be apart of the kids life even if we want them living with us. i think its important for all the parents including the step ones to get along even if its only for the sake of the children.

[StepMomAmber]

Mike,

The fact that you continue to bring up the concern for there being feelings between your partner and their ex leads me to believe that you have issues in trusting that ex or accepting the situation.

My fiance has a three year old son who is very much involved in Mom and Dad's life.  They have 50-50 split physical custody so Mom is always in the picture.  At first and still at times, it can be a little frustrating watching your partner bonding over the child, but you have to remember that this is their child and that it is strictly ABOUT THE CHILD.  If you cannot get past the fact that there needs to be communication there, then I would strongly advise you to not get anymore involved in this situation.  It sounds to me that there may be a bit of jealousy on your behalf toward the ex.  This is a lifelong commitment to a child....not just 18 years and the ex is gone.  This person is just as much a part of the child's life as your partner and that will never cease.

Please keep in mind that even though your relationship with your partner is important and #1 in your book, that child will come first.  If you feel like you cannot handle the situation between the parent and the ex, please do the child a favor and discontinue this relationship before they bond too heavily with you as well.