please help

HI everyone......
I have a 5 year old step daughter, me and my husband have been married almost 4 years.
Brianna comes and stays with Us 2 weeks out of the month for 7 days and then goes back with her mom for the same amount of time, joint custody, these has been going on for about 1 year.

My problems is when ever something comes up about brianna, my husband doesnt want to say anything to her mom, he doesnt want to make her mad, he tells me the he wants to stay on her good side all the time. Which upsets me sometimes becauses he is quick to go off on me about bri and say that he is going to leave me, because of some topics that have came up about her mom and bri.

I also have a big problem with bri because she will not listen to me, she feebies all the time, she gives me dirty looks all the time, hits on my 1 year old, and just disrespects me all around. I am a stay at home mom so I take care of her more then either one of her parents do. I have talked to my husband about it but all he says to bri is if you dont stop he will bust her butt. But she is still doing it and it is alot worst when my husband isnt around. He tells me to put her in time out but the poor child when be in time out 24/7.

Also my husband doesnt do anything with her. I have to make him get her in the shower. He thinks sitting her in front of the tv with junk food is being a good father to her. My husband doesnt really have anything to do with my oldest son but wants me to do everything for his daughter and i am having a hard time doing that. And the youngest kid which is me and my husbands, he doesnt do much with him either. I had to b.... at him to get him to get the baby in the bath tub, dominick is 1.

There is so much more going on but I guess I will just start here.
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mrscalalb]

OMG this is an awful situation, I am a step parent to a mostly wonderful 11 year old, I say mostly because he is going through puberty, and well no child is really wonderful then.  Anyway my question for you is this..Is there any reason YOU can't talk to Bri's mother about her??  As for your husband, I don't think I could even begin to help there except to comment that he maybe he feels that this is the way it was when he was a kid so it should be this way now??  How does Bri get along with your older child and younger child?  If her relationship with them is good then I would suggest that possibly she is feeling that you are taking her dads attention away from her.

Hope this helps

[Mommy3Girls]

Just curious, is your husband controlling as well? Sounds to me like your husband has the working dad/husband syndrome. My ex husband was that way with me and our children. We didnt have step children involved. They are both mine and his. He cliamed he was old fashioned and felt that if the woman wasnt working that she was to stay home, take care of the kids, cook, clean, do laundry, etc. In one of our many many arguments we had he actually said, " I work so you are supposed to have the house clean and dinner ready when I walk in the door!" What a creep huh? Im not a stay at home mom anymore, but as a stay at home mom, we need a break sometimes too. It seems to me that they dont understand just how much time and attention it takes to raise children. And though he may be working these are his children too and he needs to step up and play his part as Dad! The only thing I could suggest would be for ALL OF YOU to go to family counseling together. Whethere he wants to be on his ex's good side or not, I think it would be very helpful. It could help you deal with the lack of help, the issues with your stepdaughter and how to handle her, and it may or may not help him realize he needs to step up and be a man for you and your children. Mine wouldn't, and obviously, he is my EX husband. :-) I hope all works out for you one way or another. I really hope I didnt offend you in any of this, just like to share my experiences with other women that are going through the same problems I once did.

[rebbecca]

I have talked to bris mom, and i was everything but a white women in her eyes, to say it nicely. bri does get along with the other kids at all. my kids can get near her with out her screaming or whining that they are hurting her, and thats not ways the case.

[rebbecca]

thank you and yes we do go to see a therpist and it doesnt seem to help. i leave there madder then when i walked in.

[nerea]

Why don't you leave the parenting of the child to the parent?  That's they way it's supposed to work in relationships where there is a step parent involved.  You're trying to act like the parent to Bri when in fact you're not.  If you see a therapist, they will tell you what they tell everyone.  Leave the parenting and discipline to your husband.  As for your own children, you married him the way he is, with his faults and all.  Ask for assistance, they can change, but don't expect too much.

[rebbecca]

so you want me to let my step daughter run wild? because my husband wont discipline her all the time and i will not allow my kids that live with me 24/7 to act like that and i dont think she should be able to act like that either . and yes i am her parent there is just a step in front of it.
she is not going to live in my house and not have to listen to me or respect.

[nerea]

No, I didn't mean to insinuate allowing her to run wild, but her real father needs to be the one to discipline her, because she will only resent you.  We have 4 step children in our home for over 8 years now, ages 17, 16, 14 and 8.  They are great friends with their step father, and I am the disciplinarian in the household.  He does step in and talk to them when needed, although the real discipline is left to me.  It's never easy, it's our 8th year and the first few years were serious growing pains on how to make the household work.  I wish you the best of luck, but do have your husband help in disciplining his own child, it will cause only hurt to you and the rest of the kids.

[sara......]

Please don't allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully by your husband- you write that he "says that he is going to leave me" - this is controlling behavior, done to make you conform. By allowing him to use this as a threat and allowing him to not pull his weight with the children, or talk to his ex is in a way saying it is acceptable. If you really want this to stop - TELL him you are not happy with these things and he better change or you will have to make some desisions! If he sees you are serious that may be the only thing that gets him to change, as it seems you have spoken to him about it and it still happens.
Good Luck!

[rebbecca]

it seems like 90% of the time he is only worried about himself and his daughter and it is really starting to get old. i really dont know what to do anymore. i have tried talking to him but it doesnt seem to work.
he tells me that his main problem with me is our sex life, out of all our damn problems that is most important to him, it makes me sick.
yes he is controlling, he done something to our computer so i couldnt get on line for 3 days, I could only get on when he was home, and then he would stand over me to see what i am writing. and know i dont take any **** from him cause i went the hell  off about the computer.
sometimes i just dont know what to do anymore.

[missbk]

DIVORCE!!! He's a USER!

[rebbecca]

im sorry but thats not the answer to my problem, i am trying to work on my marriage, and i didnt get married to leave as soon as it started to get hard. i love my husband more then he will ever know. but thanks anyway.

[here4theinfo]

Hi there, how are you doing?? Hey Rebecca, how about a different therapist. I know that everyone will suggest to leave it to the father, but it cant be done all the time. Also, the father has to step up as well and help. My husband and I had alot of problems with that exact situation. I suggest keeping it very consistant. No matter what keep everything consistant, if she does not like you for it, to bad. You are raising her the same way you would expect your owns kids to behave. Kids can not ever run wild, they wont grow into good adults and parents. If she wants to be mad at you so be it, if anything, she will realize who loved and took care of her when she gets older. I have a whole long story on one of the links, I will post it below, its like our whole step story though..HeHe..Anywasy stick to your guns, your doing a great job...

[here4theinfo]

Im happy to see that people are using this forum. Its good to hear happy stories as well. Step parenting is hard work, when I had my step kids, I was a stay at home mom and mostly the disiplinarian. My husband worked long hours and when he came home, he was to tired to do anything, or he was in the mood for playing with the kids, not disiplining them. I had a very good friend tell me that as a step parent, I should never disipline our step kids because they would hold a grudge againest me. That turned into a difficult task because whenever my step kids misbehaved, I would tell my husband, and it would make him mad at me. I would even put the one who misbehaved in time out until he got home, and he would get mad at me and pull the child out of time out. He would only talk to them before taking them out of time out, thinking they would listen, but they would be doing it again as soon as they were out of time out. With 5 kids, a c-section, and a knee surgery that put me down for 6 months, I got very stressed. Not only were the kids misbehaving all the time, my kids who usually never misbehaved, saw the other kids doing it and getting away with it so they started doing it too. When my husband was home on weekends, his daughter would be all sweet and kissy with him, but give me dirty looks when his back was turned. She acted pretty much like a baby, lied all the time, hit the other kids and when she got caught, she would act like a baby and cry and deny it. My husband would baby her and ask her if she was going to stop and she would say yes, but as soon as he turned his back, she would do bad things again. It pretty much disguisted me and made me feel unwelcome.. During the week I would do everrything for the kids and take them to school and stuff. I noticed my own kids changing and not talking much, I felt so bad that I was losing touch with them because she was taking all the attention. I finally had had enough and I put my foot down going back to disiplining all the kids. Everytime our little step girl misbehaved, I disiplined her actions, usually sending her to her room. All the kids would tell me when she did something to them and I would nip it in the bud. My own kids started to have their time again along with our step son who was tired of getting beat up all the time from his sister. I talked to my husband all the time about her behavior, and it got so bad that I was having to talk to him everyday about problems with his daughter. He got real tired of it stating that all I did was talk about how bad she was. All I was doing was asking him to help get her straightened out because when he let her get away with the bad behavior, she would just keep doing it. He had no problems disipling the other kids, he had no problems with them not listening, he could disipline them and they wouldnt do it again. But his daughter would mis behave so much that I told my husband that shes just doing it for any kind of attention. We tried reward charts, chore money, taking toys away, writing 100 times, making plans for good behavior, we tried everything. Finally after 2 years, my husband had listened to me nag enough and point out things to him when he was home, that he began to see that she was a problem. He began to nip it in the bud with me and we had her behavior turning around when her mom came back in the picture. The little girl who was turning good, began regressing because she would lie and cry to her mom that we were being mean to her and that she never did anything wrong. Of course her mom called us often and asked us why we did these things to the daughter, we explained the situation and would even get the girl on the phone and she would cry and lie, but when she came home, she would cry and tell us she was sorry and that her mom made her say those things. It sucked. The step girl started hitting everyone again, lying,crying to get her way, misbehaving all the time etc. When we disiplined her, she would sit in her room crying for her mom who no doubt would not be disiplining her for what she had done. We heard stories from her mom that she yelled and screamed in a store to get something and all the mother did was take her out of the store. She also slamed the door at her moms and when we asked the mom about it, she acted angry, put the daughter on the phone, dad talked to her and when she got off the phone she was crying and the mom told her that daddy was going to spank her when she got home and then the mom said that she wouldnt do that if she lived there at the moms. It was very contradicting. The children wanted to live with their mom, she didnt disipline them and bought them everything, she turned the kids first on me, and then on their dad who had raised them himself for the last 3 years. The mom was a liar, manipulator, have various mental problems, and had the kids believing that we didnt love them. We were going to fight her in court because of all the problems she created, but by then I was pregnant, stressed out, and didnt want to fight anymore. My husband was so tired of all the bs, that he didnt want to go through anymore court things either. So we let the kids go live with her thinking that they would want to come home a month later. That didnt happen though, she had manipulated them so much that they feared we were going to kidnap them and take them away from their mom. She cut off all conversations, medical interventions, and refused to give us her address and new phone number. She even warned the school that there was a cps case on us, even though it was on her. Then she took the daughter to counseling and made her lie about an accusation againest my son. Our house was full of so much stress and negativity that I couldnt handle it anymore. After she made the accusation againest my own kids, I told my husband I would never have anything to do with them until they were older and changed their bad ways back to good ways. I cant let my kids be around the bad behavior, the hitting and lying because my kids are good kids. I dont want them to suffer anymore than they allready did. My husband had allready made up his mind about waiting for the kids to grow up before he made a call to them, and at this point, I dont even know if we were let to sse them if we should because of the false accusations. I have raised my kids through my divorces for 11 years now and I wont let anyone get in the way or accuse to have them taken away. I love them to much and know that I have raised them the right way and to be good and do right things so they can go to Heaven when they die. I pray for my step kids to get on the right path someday, I pray that God save the wicked soul of the mother and step in and help her get the kids on the right path so they dont grow up and suffer. Our house is a lot less stressful, my husband is very good to my kids and our own kids we had together. He even disiplines them when they need it, but Im still the head disipliner. My kids love him to death and are very happy now that things are routine, consistant, loving and not stressful around here. I dont think I could ever go back to how it was, it was way to stressful and being pregnant and stressing is not healthy. My little baby passed away at 3 weeks and I wonder if it wasnt because I stressed so much when I was pregnant with him. I would hate for that to be part of the reason.But I know that no matter if your a parent or step parent or any other kind of parent, kids need to be respectful and listen. They should be taught to love those who love and raise them, it will only help them when they get older to have loving relationships with a spouse and with their own kids

[rebbecca]

thanks 4 writing
i hope you and your family are doing well.
god bless

[here4theinfo]

Hi, we are doing ok, Im recovering from yet another surgery, but surely and slowly, well get to the bottom of things. How is your family life going? I see there are a couple more issues. I hope that you find the strength and answers you need. God bless you and your family as well..

[rebbecca]

thanks for caring here4theinfo!!!!
things were very hard about 2 weeks ago but we are doing alot better now.
i hope you have a quick recovery and hopefully not to painful
god bless

[here4theinfo]

Thank you, Im glad things are going better over on your side too..