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step children

I am married to a man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. We have one 14 month old son of our own. We've been together for 2 years and married for one. My step-children (ages 6.5 and 12) will not in any way accept our situation. The 12 year old son is in therapy because his mother thinks he needs to be. He says he hates his dad and does not want to spend any time with him. The daughter, 6.5 years old, used to like coming over and in fact the first time she met me she called her mom to ask if she could stay the night and her mom bawled and said she wasn't ready for her to stay the night with us. But now she is acting just like her brother and calls saying she hates her dad and doesn't want to see him. This of course tears my husband up. Because of their mom, they are spoiled, they lie, they will not behave. They cuss and sing Eminem songs (mostly the 6 yr old). They are supposed to come over every other weekend and stay from 8 am Saturday morning until 6pm Sunday night. They cry and say that if he didn't make them come over then they would call wanting to come over sometimes. We know this isn't true because in the beginning he didn't make them come over all the time and they still never wanted to come over. The boy just sits around playing video games the ENTIRE time he is here and REFUSES to go outside or do anything family related. The girl is extremely jealous of our son. She has hurt him on several occasions. When he was a month old she plugged his nose and put her hand over his mouth until he started gasping and I looked down to see her doing this. A few months ago my son was standing next to her while she was in the time-out chair and he put his hand on her chair and she took her foot and smashed his fingers until he screamed and cried. A month ago when they were here, she grabbed onto his leg and squeezed it till it turned purple. His daughter is so confused on her feelings because of what her mother has told her. If i blow dry her hair, paint her nails, or play a game with her, she tells me how much she enjoyed it or what fun she had, but when she gets home to her mom she tells her mom that I burnt her or that she hated playing a game or painting her nails. She also goes home telling her mom that I force her to do things and that I yell at her and lie. I just do not know what would help this situation. So many people have said that if we just stop calling them and making them come over that they will eventually come around. But this really isn't right and we really don't want to go that long with out seeing them or hearing from them. As it is, we are not allowed to watch them play sports or go to any kind of school event. They have quit sports on several occasions because my husband wanted to go to a game. It's not right that they are punishing my husband and themselves and their little brother for this. My son just absolutely loves them like crazy and cries everytime they leave. But they don't care. There is just so much more that I am not going to go into. Can anyone give me advice? How do I make them understand that we love them and want to see them? That this is all for the best. I'm just completely lost these days. I went from being a 19 year old with out children, to a 20 year old with 3. During the summer we have them 3 days a week for 2 weeks then 2 days a week for 2 weeks, and every other weekend. I want things around our home to be normal and pleasant. HELP! Oh the 12 year old has said he wants his dad to die and that he also wants to kill himself and he has recently starting wanting to be goth, and his mother actually let him be goth for halloween even though she knew he wanted to be so in real.
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think you're missing a very important dynamic here.  These kids are trying as best they can to keep their life pleasant and predictable and peaceful.

What do you think would happen if,  after a visit with you,  the daughter went to mother's house and said oh everything was fine,   she had fun,  her mother would tortment her.  Her mother wants to hear the bad things,  and is pacified by bad stories,  so the girl tells them.  

You can do one of two things - the best one,  is to have your husband sit down with his kids and honestly apologize for their situation.  Say he's sorry he and their mother made some big mistakes,  and have left their lives in this awful chaos (and don't say anything like I'm sorry your mother is psychotic).  Own his mistakes,  and his role in how their lives have turned out,  and say I'm sorry.  OR less good,  ignore the stories from the mother.  Just ignore it.  

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100019_tn?1335923317
There is NOTHING you can do.  I am so sorry, but there is not one thing you can do to change the mother's opinion and it will only get worse as the kids get older.  If that little girl is already doing things to hurt your son you have to keep them apart.  At least that's what I would do.

I have an ex-wife that's done the same thing and all we can hope for is one day the boys will come to us and ask why.  Then my husband can tell them about their mother.  In the meantime it will do no good.

Man, I just hate psycho ex-wives.
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338609_tn?1197663689
Thanks for ya'lls help. I've tried talking with their mother, trying to get some reasoning into her. She's just out of it. She tells me that she encourages the kids to have fun here and that she tells them she's glad they have fun here, but I just doubt it. She also says that when she gets her child support check she says things like "oh wow guys look, since daddy sent us some money now we can go grocery shopping" I say thats great, except I think she may have over done it in this case because now the kids seem to think that all because of their dad they dont get certain things. he always pays his child support on time and was even OVER paying int he beginning before out little one came. They don't understand we are trying to raise a little one on half the income my husband should be bringing home. Their mother just finally got a job for the first time in her life. AND It's at the school the kids go to. She only works 2 hours a day! I just can't respect her or feel sorry for her when she puts no effort forth. Constantly telling us she has no money and needs more money and all that. Well he paid alimony and thats done. Their father has had many talks with them trying to get things straight and understood, but with the 12 year old in counseling...it don't help. I guess the counselor is supposably telling the boy all kinds of terrible things. Like that he's never seen a kid so "screwed up" and "his father is really messing his life up" putting all kinds of things in the kids head. He even supposably said that "your father is going to go to hell for what he's done". There's just so many things against us. I wish there was something we could do. I feel bad because I do try to keep the girl and my son seperated but then I'm looked at like a bad person from my husband and everyone else who doesn't understand. It took forever for me to get my husband to realize i wasn't making things up, that the kids really do misbehave. He finally had to see it for himself to believe me. It's nice that you guys responded though. I feel better now that I've talked about it with someone. I just don't have anyone else to vent out to lol. Thanks again a ton for your responses!! And ... Psycho is correct wording, I believe. As bad as it is.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Tysmama - if your son really loves these kids,  and cries when they leave,  it seems that on balance they're treating him well.  Babies who are constantly abused by a kid will withdraw and not welcome them at all.  It sounds like although there are moments of cruelty,  but on balance,  they must be treating him well for him to respond posively to them.

I just have to ask,  although it's none of my business,  was your husband married and living at home when you met him?  It sounds like the kids are going to Christian based counseling,  and that would be the opinion of strong Christians - that he's really sinned.  

This isn't going to be an easy life for you.  You are closer in age to the daughter than you are to your husband,  I would guess,  and there's a lot of family strife here.  

I think it would be helpful if you tried to imagine what the ex-wife feels like at this point.    I really think that would be helpful,  and would help you gain perspective.

Best wishes.   Although you haven't done anything wrong or broken any vows,  your husband has and she's left picking up the pieces of his mistake.
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338609_tn?1197663689
RockRose...I guess I didn't give the whole story on the part of how my son loves them. He only seens them twice a month. He's 14 months old. When we first pick the kids up he's so excited to see them. The son(James, 12 years old) is awesome with him. When he wants to put down his video game and pick up my son(Ty). Its only after they've been here for a few hours that he gets upset with them, mostly the daughter(Jessi, 6 years old). He's 14 months old so he quickly forgives and forgets. As long as someone is watching constantly, then thinks are mostly good. Jessi will still try to hurt Ty without us seeing but she doesn't realize just because we aren't looking directly at her doesn't mean we can't see her. Of course Ty loves these kids, they are his siblings and he does pull away and stop trying to play with Jessi when she's being mean. We went through a long period of time over the summer where he wouldn't let her anywhere near him. But now that he's back to only seeing them twice a month he's okay again. My husband and I worked together at a production plant for a while before he left his wife. He didn't leave her for me. He left her because she actually first left him. She just left one day and didn't say where she was going. They were having bad problems according to my husband friend from work also. When she finally came back they talked and then she left again the next day so he decided he'd had enough and packed up and went to his dad's. Jessi, James and their mother are Catholics. So yeah its a sin in their religion. But She actually is the one that filed the divorce and left him first. I am 21, my husband is 28, yes there is a closeness is age between me and his son because he conceived his son at age 15. I am done with this post because I can see by your response that you don't fully understand the situation or what this woman is like. I just got off the phone with her and my stepdaughter. The conversation was fine until my step daughter involved her mom in the conversation and i could hear her mom whispering to her and then Jessi started asking me if she had to come over for thanksgiving. she said i'm nicer than her dad and she wishes she could choose to come over. All this whole while i can hear her mom telling her what to say. Every time i talk to her mom i get discusted because all her mom wants to do is talk down on her daughter and say how perfect her son is. She told this in exact words "James is perfect. He could be an axe murderer and I'd still think he's perfect. But I just don't know about Jessi, I'm going to have lots of problems with her. I don't know what I'm going to do". These are her words and I, as a mother, just don't understand how she can talk that way about her children. But at the same time, just a few minutes ago when I was on the phone with jessi, James started to talk in the background and his mother yelled in the most horrific voice to "SHUT UP!!!". She yelled like he was a dog. I'm glad Jessi has started calling me. Most the time its to ask if i can talk her dad into not making her come over, but tonight it was mostly just to talk until her mom got in on the conversation. I have tried to see the best in this woman as I do all people. But from the beginning of this whole thing she has been telling her kids i was a *****, and that my son was not my husbands. She now says she never said that stuff, but her kids were standing beside me when she did. She has no care what so ever for what she says in front of her children. now of course i am worrying about them teaching this stuff to my son. As they come over singing eminem songs and songs with content that I don't even listen to as an adult. jessi cusses and says "son of a *****" "g** da**it" "b****" "what in the h***" there has been more i just don't think its necessary to list them all. i think you should get the point. i was not trying to complain about these kids or the situation we are in. I know this isn't going to be an easy life for me. I knew that from the get-go because he has kids and I know I'll always have to deal with the ex. But my husband did not break any vows either. You are assuming that we cheated and all of that wrong business. That is not how we ended up in the wonderful marriage we are in today. I think it would help if YOU gained perspective before making such assumptions. Only mistake he made was marrying her because he got her pregnant in highschool. But thats another story that you won't understand with out hearing the full thing. I was simply trying to see if anyone out there was in the same sort of situation. They're mom is in a relationship that she has been in for 2+years now and the kids dont like him either. Jessi told her dad once that "Bud's a better dad. He throughs me on the couch. It hurts, but at least he does it". I worry about this also because of all the things i hear on the news these days. But trying not to think about that...I was just looking for advice and wisdom. Not looking for RockRose's criticism and hurtful words. Thank you again. I'm finished here now that I've gotten all of that off my chest.
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338609_tn?1197663689
you know something else rockrose...i did not use the term "abuse". I dont feel that jessi is abusing my son or i would definetly be doing more about it. i just feel she is cruel to him. i know she's jealous of him, she has expressed many signs of this. she always told me while i was pregnant that she didn't want a brother, she didn't want a baby. she was the baby. this is all normal. i am sorry i ever even came to this place for answers. i should have realized that no one could fully understand or give a legitemate solution with out fully knowing and being here to see all that goes on here. i am still hurt at the fact that you immediately jump to this horrible assumption of my husband being a horrible man that left his family and cheated on his wife. things are just not that simpley explained. do you even have step children? why are you on this forum? thanks for you time and for wasting mine.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi There!

I can relate to your situation.  I am not actually married to my baby's father yet, and my baby is not here yet, I am 16 weeks pregnant, but I do live with him and he has 2 daughters that I adore.  It sounds like you have worked VERY VERY hard to attract these kids to you to show them that you love them.  I admire you for that.  Sooo many people just say "to heck with the kids" and live their marry life and not try.  I truly do admire you for trying and for caring.  I am scared of the conflict between the youngest and my baby... she is sooo clinging to her dad.  I intend on involving them in my baby's life but will keep my eyes open all the time while they are around the baby.    

Anyway, my baby's father doesn't want me to become "baby centric" he wants me to treat them all the same... all I can say is I will try my best.. but babies are pretty much helpless on their own.  You are right they do forgive and forget pretty easy in the beginning... but I am not so forgiving.  Your daughter at 6 and a half is old enough to know better... being mean is all in the way they are raised.  My whole life we did not hit or act out and I was raised in so many different environments... I had 2 stepdads from the time I was 6 to 17... my mom was married a total of 4 times and we moved lord knows how many times.  So my life was FULL of changes but my mom taught me to love and obey and respect the adults around me, she didn't coach me to be hateful.

Continue to be the person that puts forth the most effort and keep your husband happy.  That is what is most important, keep your home stable, strong, and full of love.  Love your husband, love his kids and love your baby... keep things as positive as possible.  Your husband has an awful lot of stress on his shoulders... maybe be selective in what you tell him and try to solve some of the problem on your own.  He will love you more for that.  I have learned that from my situation.  I love his daughters and I want to teach them that respect is appreciated and rewarded with love.  A happy marriage makes for a happy home.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Tysmommy - you have a LOT of built up anger and frustration,  and you just vented it all at me,  which is fine.  I'm a big girl,  I can take it,  and this is just an internet discussion board.

Go back and read my post.  I asked,  didn't "assume",  if this is the way it is.  

My post to you was not ugly.  It somehow opened the floodgates for your frustration,  which is fine.

Geez.
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Avatar_f_tn
"Best wishes.   Although you haven't done anything wrong or broken any vows,  your husband has and she's left picking up the pieces of his mistake."

This kind of assumption would open the "floodgates" for any woman.  It pissed me off and I'm not even the person you posted it to!  You may have wanted more information and there were better ways of getting to that info rather than accusing her or her husband of adultery.  You are a very blunt person I figured that out from other posts.. you should be able to take what you give.  
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338609_tn?1197663689
Thank you so much for your post and for taking care of RockRoses last post for me so that I dont have to respond to that person again. ANYWAYS...Your response was actually helpful. It's what I came here looking for. I do love my husband's first two kids. Obveously I can't say I love them as much as my own child because there isn't that special bond there. But I do care for their well being as if they were my own. As hard as I tried in the beginning to get them to just like me ( I was too focused on that) I have lately focused more on just trying to make them happy. I hardly care anymore what they think about me as long as they love my son, their father, and are happy in our home. Thanks again for your response. I'm not an angry person but when people accuse my wonderful husband of things he is not even capable of...yeah it does open some "floodgates". Thank you.
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