My wife and I got married in august. She has 4 children from a previous relationship 11, 9, 9, and 6. The twins are a boy and a girl. The bio father is not involved in any way in their lives. My 9 year old step-daughter was the first one who accepted me and called me daddy. Recently the others have followed suit. My problem is now my 9 year old step-daughter has stopped obeying and listening to me. Most of our problem revolves around homework. It takes her 4 hours to do her math homework alone. I met with her teacher and he told me at school she is a perfect student. Always does things in a timely manner. Yet at home it is a constant battle. When I talk to her or when my wife talks to her she doesn't respond only stares at us. We are at a loss. If she was only acting this way toward me i could understand it somewhat but why does she do it to both of us. Today I wrote a note to her teacher in her planner (in pen) and when i checked it this afternoon after i picked the kids up from school, she had marked out part of it and changed the 4 hours to 1 hour. When my wife and I approached her about it all we get is that dang blank stare. Help please
She might feel that her mother sides with you and not with her, hard to guess when it is all just blank. I do think stepdads are in a rather delicate position, because they really don't have the right to be a disciplinarian, are rather in a spot to suggest and encourage than to punish or award consequences. Maybe she is feeling that. Why not talk to a counselor at school, or even a family therapist, about ways you might be pressuring her (and/or the other kids) with the rapid insistence that they call you Daddy and stuff.
I didn't see where the poster was "pressuring" any of the children to call him "daddy." I did see this......"My 9 year old step-daughter was the first one who accepted me and called me daddy." I don't see that as "pressuring" as the child didn't and doesn't have a biofather ACTIVELY involved in her life.
It is difficult to say what exactly is going on here. She could feel like her mother is listening to you and not to her and therefore she is rebelling. Perhaps she is seeing too much of your influence and not enough of her mother's. I think this is more about you than her mother and she is refusing to talk to her mother because of you.
Why isn't her own mother writing the notes to correspond with the school? Are you doing most of the discipline? I am not saying you shouldn't have any say about the discipline, but this role should be less than the child's mother. The mother should be the MAIN disciplinarian.
I am not sure what exactly the problem is with homework? If she is getting it done, turned in and passing her courses then what's the problem? Ok, she takes 4 hours to do her math, but I can't see that being a huge problem.
A school counselor or therapist.....a third party would be best to consult to help you all sort this out.
Perhaps this "daddy" stuff is happening too fast for her in some instances. Remember, this child had NO dad before.
The couple has been married for two months. I didn't say he had pressured the child to call him Daddy, I said maybe the emphasis this early on being called Daddy and similar things (such as him expecting she listen and obey) felt like pressure to her. I would certainly not expect to be called Daddy after only two months.
I dont pressure anyone to call me daddy. Its not that big of a deal to me. Her mother is the main discipliarian And we both write notes to the teachers. My wife works very hard so she doesnt have alot of free time. I am a dissabled veteran. I am currently going to college so i can get a job to support the family. Its very difficult for me to not be the one bringing home the money. but that doesnt matter. the problem with the 4 hours is we have to constantly stay on her about doing it for those 4 hours. If we dont then she wont get it done and will fail. Her mother said that the not listening and blank stares were happening long before I came along.
"Her mother said that the not listening and blank stares were happening long before I came along.".......I am assuming her mother never had a medical evaluation done. You all should have this done.
Is she doing this at school at all (blank stares and not listening)?
"Most of our problem revolves around homework. It takes her 4 hours to do her math homework alone. I met with her teacher and he told me at school she is a perfect student. Always does things in a timely manner. Yet at home it is a constant battle."......The thing that is concerning is that she is different at school and does this behavior at home. Have you ever discussed this homework issue with her teacher IN DETAIL? Perhaps he/she could give more insight and suggestions as well.
Since you have mentioned this piece of info it is very difficult to say exactly what this is. Could be an emotional problem, a learning disability issue/medical issue, a rebellion issue.......so difficult to say what this is.
You and your wife should try and meet with a school counselor about this and the school counselor could also talk with your step daughter. This situation NEEDS to be further explored/investigated with third parties involved.
I do commend you for trying to do your best in the situation you are in......kudos to you.
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