am a 29 year old girl.I try to keep myself as good as i can like i try to not shout or show my anger.if i cry or shout i hide it from other people.if someone does bad to me i try to be more good to him instead of taking revenge or punishing him.I give him time to understand his mistake and i easilly forgive him or her.All in summary i understand everything and even i notice every small details in life that other people may not realize.some people call this as being too much sensitive person getting hurt easily by everything.however,i try to pretend to other people as if i am not sensitive so that they be comfortable with me and i can have close friends.but i can t pretend as numb and not sensitive anymore cause i hear most people call me as idiot,stupid or someone that doesn't understand whats good or bad.and even people hurt me more for sense of humor or jealousy.I get pressurized lots and i explode all at sudden in a way that i get blind and i attack them with my words or rarely body.the more i try to understand people the more i get hurt from them.so i dunno what to do cause after attacking them they think am totally crazy or insane and they stop keeping contact with me.I know i have difficulty showing my real emotions and expressing myself properly from first meeting and maybe its the reason why other people don't see real me inside and they don't take serious my words and my warning to them.i give u an example.my bf left me cause he thought am a ***** or jerk to let him be with other girls if he cant enjoy sex with me.he was shocked to see i am not jealous about him though i love him. He never could understand if i let him be with other girls is not cause i don't have feelings for him.its cause i love him lots and i cant see he suffers not having proper sex when he is with me or same again i couldn't show him if i let him freely look at other girls and i don't react just like am not jealous doesn't mean really i like he look at them.I love him lots that i don't believe in limiting my loved one or pressurizing him to be only with me when he desires to enjoy only via looking.every one even my parents know me exactly 180 degree different from real me inside.am going crazy cause i feel like everyone is blind to see my real feelings or identity inside.what can i do to show other people real me.I try to talk them and explain all but mostly they don't have time or mood even to listen to me.i wanna have some close friends to understand me and see actual me inside.i mean my real character.please help me.thanks
Dear Sara, all your feelings are important and valid as long as you do not hurt yourself or others. You are not alone in your feeling of isolation, not feeling understood and being a one person then another to please the needs of other, avoid conflicts, walking on egg shells and then hitting the wall where you have had it!!!! Why do you think so many are addicted to escape the insanity of a world that makes no sense etc. Choosing drugs, self abuse, getting sick, fanatic religion, food disorders only create yet another problem. Anger is always the underpinnings of something is missing. Before you get angry, or maybe afterwards, maybe you could ask yourself,: When he or she did ______(whatever) or didn't do _____ I felt mad, sad, glad. Pick one. Now the hard part, are you ready? Because what it means about me is:________ Explore, journal, write and be honest with yourself because YOU know your TRUTH, you do!!! The ask yourself, what I need from them is__________ Example. Just to listen to what I have to say, maybe,an apology or explanation, time together or apart. YOu are not blind to you but being real in this world is NOT always easy especially when we look outside of ourselves for approval and connections. In the end we and myself end up beating up myself with this lack of integrity. I heard Anne Willson Schaffe say this once and it was profound for me: "To the degree that you denie the unique expression of yourself, you deny the unique expression of God thru you". And lastly, she was a major author on co dependency, I recognize my insanity sooner and get out of it faster and that is progress not perfection".
It sounds to me that you care so much of other people's problems and needs that you tend to suppress yourself - what you really think, how you really feel, what you wanted to say. While this is very caring of you, it is building up something else: frustration and resentment. While you are constantly on the lookout for others, you have overlooked your own needs, your own wants. This will cause you to be explosive occasionally, even coming across as inhuman for not showing any emotions.
You're a good and kind person. So much that you put so much pressure on yourself. Let it go. Get mad if they did something to deserve it. Show them sorrow when everything is not ok. Let them know who you really are. Things will be hard if you're not used to showing your feelings. You can start by writing notes and showing it to people dear to you. Don't be afraid to get hurt. Accept yourself. You're a great person.
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