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I need advice about my sister's behavior since her stroke
I don't know if anyone can help me but I'm at my wit's end. My sister had her first stroke last Aprilish (diagnosed in late May) at the age of 41 (though not the typical symptoms at all - it's mainly all verbal issues that come and go). She's been going through a messy divorce (her second one - first one not messy at all though) and now she's on long-term disability as she recuperates. She had an IUD and had been on birth control since her teens and under lots of stress which can be factors. She smokes and drinks heavily, eats horribly, doesn't exercise, etc. When she was told by the doctors to change habits, she said she would. She's had these habits for years/decades even so we (as in my brother, mother, and myself) knew it would take time to wean these off. God knows, she's tried to quit smoking for years with and without medication with no luck. Our family also has a high chance of alcoholism (my father drank every day at least 2-3 drinks and smoke before he died of kidney failure [diabetic complication] at the age of 57; my mother has increased her drinking from hardly ever to 2-3 drinks at night as well; I've had my own issues mainly medication-related and I've constantly fight the urge to binge drink; we all have a high tolerance so it takes a lot to make us even tipsy). She has a highly addictive personality so we were surprised when she said she went cold turkey on everything, but okay, we will support her. Gradually, though, my brother and I began to realize that she hadn't quit at all and she wasn't exercising or eating well (though she's a perfect example of health according to the doctors apparently and to our mother who still thinks she goes to the gym, eats only salads, drinks only on the weekends, and hasn't touch cigarettes in almost a year). If anything, she started drinking more - according to her roommate (who calls us with updates secretly), she drinks a handle of Jim Beam every 2-4 days. My sister lives 3 hours away from my mother and brother (who share a house with my brother's family) and I live five states away - I haven't seen her since that May. My sister visits and my brother always smells the cigarette smoke (nobody else in the family smokes) but my mother would always blame her luggage and clothes - that the smell was impossible to get out (which is ridiculous so many months after "quitting"). My brother and I would ask her if she's been doing well with going cold turkey and she would say fine. Then, our mother would yell at us later saying we are stressing our sister out (at one point, my mother said I was killing her). Sister would act fine with us (maybe stumble over a word or two), but then go complain to mom that we weren't being supportive when we hadn't accused her of anything. She slowly turned mom against my brother and I when all we do is care what she is going through. We can't even ask a question without her over-reacting (she's always been a drama queen).  Mom would get on us about blaming the victim, even gave us a pamphlet. That's when it got to the point, I had to find out what on earth was going on with my sister. So, I went behind her back to her roommate. I needed an unbiased view of how she was living. My brother and I were startled (but not surprised) - she was still drinking, smoking, doing nothing around the house (the roommate cleaned everything), diet was still horrible, she has awful mood swings constantly yelling and cursing at the roommate and apparently my mother (which of course, my mother would never admit to us). My mother (while overbearing at times) has been helping her financially and with doing paperwork and researching - she doesn't deserve to be yelled and cursed at because she interrupts a lot. It's like she has a personality disorder now (she stutters and stumbles a lot when speaking to our mom, very little to my brother and me, and not at all when she isn't around family according to the roommate). Sister said she was going to a counselor, but that probably isn't happening anymore. We are worried she lied to all the doctors about her quitting all the bad stuff as my mother says the doctors say it is only stress and possibly hereditary and/or the IUD she just had removed. In the end, all she does is sit, sleep, drink, eat, and smoke (she got a fitbit for Christmas and on one day logged 350 steps for the whole day - that's it. She said it didn't work right). My brother sees all this when she visits, but when she hears my mother coming, she jumps up and scrambles for something to do. She eats well in her presence and then goes back to junk when she gets home. She drives around to smoke so she doesn't have witness (though the roommate caught her a few times). She guilts our mother over her childhood, that my brother and I got more attention while she struggled. My mother then told me that I wouldn't understand my sister as I have had an easier life because I found a decent man and was able to have kids. Me who has rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and severe pain daily since I was 25 and who saw my father waste away until he died - I am the youngest and was the last kid in the house. I have to live meagerly while she didn't at all (until this last husband). Her bad life is due to her poor choices - Is it my fault that she is a bad judge of men and can't stand being alone? I'm not mad about her not quitting her bad habits - not at all. I knew it would be an awful struggle - I was ready to support her (I still want to). I'm mad about her lying to our faces and purposely turning mom against us (don't know if she thinks she expects a lot of sympathy from her or what). We used to be a super close family, ever since our dad died. This is just tearing us apart (though she probably doesn't see it right now). Then, she had another "baby" stroke in December and now I'm just done. The day she came home from the hospital, she stayed up drinking half a handle of Beam and at least 6 cokes to go with it. She's killing herself (apparently when I'm not doing it for her). I can't confront her as I have no physical proof. Her roommate has some photos of the cigarettes, but what's that going to prove? She will come up with more lies or how horrible her roommate is (already heard some of that from my mom to discredit him already). I've already heard so many. Her roommate is about to move out and take his rent with him (he can't take the stress of my sister); her other roommate is going to do the same when she was expecting them to help her with the house payment (she's selling the house after the divorce supposedly). All I want is for her to be healthier, to reduce her risk, but when she's pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, I don't how to accomplish this - nobody but my brother sees anything wrong. I will see her next in April, but not sure what will happen before then. Mainly just wanted to vent, but maybe one of you has some advice.
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