my partner and I separated at the end of April, after two years...he can be a very controlling man and I had become isolated and saw the writing on the wall...this is relevant....btw. Asking him to leave was very difficult as I knew he had not many places to go, and he chose to sleep rough, very close to my house. On the third night he came to the house, very ill, massive headache, vomiting, very confused. He remained in that state for several days. I looked after him...no-one would help. I assumed he was having a psychotic episode. As he gradually seemed to come out of it and became even more unpleasant than before, I asked him to leave again, the police became involved as he would not leave me alone, and he was served a PIN .. like a harrassment order. He is not dangerous, but is clearly desperate to come back. I think he has mental health issues.
A month later, I had a call from someone nearby, saying he had collapsed in their garden, doing some work. I went round and could see he was having a stroke. The health centre nearby had been called, did a quick assessment and sent for an ambulance. I followed it down and have spent the last three days with him. A brain CT shows a major stroke from a few weeks back (must have been the time he came back)...affected the part of the brain that processes information....he has had a series of mini strokes since.
They are talking about discharging him on Friday, but to who?? I know I have given him hope by supporting him but no-one else is there...he only has a sister in Cape Town...our relationship is complex and has been abusive and I am trying to find my own life back and now this. I can't see him homeless in this condition, and also wonder about whether he has mental health issues anyway, and how this will affect him. I just don't know where to turn, no-one at the hospital has acknowledged my presence, even tho I've sat in on all the consultations and helped him answer, and been with him pretty much the whole time. He's desperate and frightened and I just don't know where to turn.
It sounds like you are still very involved with this man who you separated from 2 years ago, say that he is abusive and took out a harassment order on him. Now you're his total nurse maid! Do you really think that you should be taking him back into your life so much? Do you really think it is wise for you to have him live with you? It sounds like that would be very self-destructive on your part. It's not your responsibility to care for him and the more that you get involved, the more he will be harassing you in the future. I know it is hard to see someone struggling, but you are playing with fire. If you have a calling to care for people, get a job doing it or volunteer. There are many other people in the world who need you and will not be a hazard to you.
I think that you should contact his sister about him. Tell her that you are not taking him back and tell her that it is up to her.
Also, ask the hospital if there are any state facilities where he could go or whether he has to be homeless. Judging from your constant help at the hospital, they probably think that you are going to take care of him.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you put it all out there. Take care of yourself.
Even with a major stroke, he could gain a lot of his function back and maybe not. I had a major stroke where I couldn't read, speak very well, follow the simplest TV show, had pain and disability with my leg, arm and hand and also suffered severe migraines from it. I still suffer with a lot of it, but am able to work some and would be plenty able to cause someone else a lot of trouble if I wanted to, which I don't because I've never been like your man. On the other side, you could be his at home nurse maid for the rest of your life. Is that a better solution?
it's absolutely fine Sara,to be blunt,and I did put it all out there because I felt totally isolated and could see the hospital were wanting me to take him.
Actually I did all the above that you suggested, I insisted that the hospital formed a care plan for him and I took him back to his mothers and have stayed away. I was just frightened, even when you are aware you are in an abusive relationship it's not always straightforward to detach. I have worked in the care field for years, and given alot of support to people, but it doesn't always help to see it in your own life. Then when someone is so vulnerable physically it becomes confusing. The guilt involved in his potential homelessness, post stroke, was immense.
Common sense prevailed, and good support.
You deserve tremendous credit for your actions. I was so afraid for you. I highly congratulate you doing the right thing in a very difficult situation. I could see the pull, but I am so glad that you will be free of him. I wish you a wonderful life ahead. Sara
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