my mom

[after]

my mom passed 65years old on 8-2-06. everyday I wake up confused because of our family decision. she had blockage in her neck a seizure followed hemorrhagic ischemic stroke-  right cerebral infraction, occlusion of right internal carotid artery, ruptured atherosclerotic plaque & thrombosis damaging 70% of her brain. she had a history of high blood pressure and was diagnosed with diabetes within the last year. because of the seizure the doctors said they could not administer the 3-4 hour time period  reversal "shot" to reduce effect, it would have been fatal. Our only option was to have surgery to reduce the pressure,  the damage was done. our thoughts of the complications with the surgery. we decided on not doing the surgery, they administered (mannitol) to reduce swelling. We had 4 days with her until the swelling superseded her life. its been a little over a year, and everyday seems to get harder for me, and our family. Did we make the right decision, were the doctors options and decisions not enough, were they wrong? I know it doesn't change anything, I'm just wanted to see if anyone else has gone through this, no one in our family ever went through a "sudden" attack like this.  I pray for all the families out there seeing their loved ones going through this in their lives. thank you

[OneScaredBuckeye]

Thank you, too.  Your kind words are very much appreciated.  I know what you feel as my mom was our family's rock, too, the center of our family life, and now I find myself sort of taking her role as well.  You were so young when your mom passed, too young to lose a parent, but we can't control that.  Your feelings now tell me that you did so very much for your mom and your mom knew it and appreciated it and knew how very much you loved her and love her still.  I think your mom is looking down on you and is very proud of the daughter she raised.  You'll find your peace.  The sadness will probably never leave.  You'll probably miss her every day of your life just like I miss my mom every day, but peace will come, little by little.  It sounds to me like you gave your mother the best gift she could ever want.  You gave her all your love and you became a daughter she was so proud and happy to have.  With the devastating injuries your mom had, I think she'd thank you for letting her go and letting her find peace in the life after this one.  It was an unselfish decision for your family to make.  We want to keep them with us because we love them so much and will miss them, but sometimes, they need to go.  Sometimes they stay for us, and we have to tell them, "Do what you need to do to find peace.  I understand a will always love you."  We have to let go and you did.  I honestly think your mom wants more than anything for you to find some measure of peace and reconciliation with her passing.  I hope you can.  You sound like a wonderful daughter.  God bless.

[noanswersafter]

Thank you. I was 29 last year when my mom passed, and living at home. I am the youngest of 3 girls. We were very close, and she was the ROCK that kept the family together. Now the main missing piece is gone and it's like the entire mountain keeps coming down. It's devastating trying to build themountain back up without her.  I was there all the time and I feel worse that I didn't do enough, see or notice something sooner.  You were with your parents even though you couldn't get there physically. They were both with family and that's what counts. Don't feel guilty about that  :)  
I am trying to find peace, I have taken her role in the house now, taking care of everything that she did. I do it proudly and I know she is helping me along the way.  Thank you

[OneScaredBuckeye]

I've been thinking of you.  Your experience is just so awful.  Thank you for your condolences.  Both of my parents died from cancer and so it really wasn't sudden or unexpected or as terrible as what you went through, but I do know how it feels to lose them and how we feel we might have been able to do more.  Although I had no medical decisions to make, I think I could have spent more time with my parents, cultivated our relationship more, though I did have a good relationship with both of them.  I feel guilty because I wasn't with either one when they passed away.  My father died very early in the morning, before anyone could get to the hospital and I was in Europe when my mother died and couldn't get back soon enough, though she had two family members with her all the time.  It sounds like the right decisions were made with regard to your mother.  I know my mother would never have wanted to live in a vegetative state, she would rather have passed peacefully.

I know from losing both my mother and father, that it takes a long, long time to come to any sort of peace.  My father's been gone twenty years and my mother ten and I still think of them like they went yesterday.  It seems impossible that so much time has gone by.  You never get over missing them, but you're right, in time the terrible feelings do get better and become more peaceful.  I think you need to do what is best for you at your mother's grave.  Sometimes the best conversations have no words.

I hope you find peace and that you won't blame yourself.  You did the right thing for the peace of your mother.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

[after]

Thank you for your time and reply! I apologize for your loss. This is my first post and first time looking into forum groups on this. Alot of stories here are amazing! I pray for everyone and their loved ones to have full recovery. I do not know anyone personally that has gone through something like this. It has been very hard for me to talk to people about it. I do visit the her grave regularly and find it hard to talk at all. I just sit there for hours. I know in time it will get better. I just feel like we didn't give her a chance, but then "if" the outcome was to be she would be in a vegetated state after removing a part of her brain, she would have rather been left in peace.  The doctors did not give us any choice or hope. All the questions were there, but no answers.  You are right, we did the best we could to keep her peaceful. Thank you  

[OneScaredBuckeye]

I feel terrible for you.  You loved your mom and did the best you could.  I hope you can stop beating yourself up over this terribly difficult decision.  Know that it's normal to have doubts and feel bad even years later, but you do have to make peace, hard as that may be.  I've lost both my mom and my dad so I know how it feels to be without them and to feel guilty thinking maybe we could have done more or made their lives happier.  It does seem to get harder, not easier.  I think this is normal, but you need to let go of the guilt.  I only know it helps me to go to my parents' graves and talk to them.  I feel a sense of peace then.  Your post brought tears to my eyes.  Please know that others care and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Hugs from me.