lost my healthy babygirl at babysitter's house

I lost my baby daughter who was 7 month and 4 days old at babysitter's house. My babysitter placed my baby on stomach position on soft adult bed  plus soft pad and put two pillows right besides my baby not to let her roll over and fall down from the adult bed. I wanted to take a portable baby crip to her place but she didn't want to have it because it needed space. So I took a cotton pad to the babysitter and asked her to let my baby sleep on the pad and she could fold it up after the use but my babysitter didn't follow my request. On the day, my dauther died, I breastfed  and fed my baby baby yogurt and rice cereal at 0820am and took my dauther at 8.30 to babysitter. But my babysitter fed my baby at 1010. I guess she wanted my baby sleep for long hours. My baby was a very healthy and chubby girl. She was almost 95 percentiles for height and weight. My baby died a month ago but I still can't believe. I am so suffering from the guilty. I keep thinking what if.... what if.... what if..... It is especially very hard to endure my pain in early morning. I have a 5 year old boy but I have almost neglected him since I lost my babygirl. I can barely breathe. I am not confident to live without my baby. Before I lost my babygirl, I had always treated my children equally but I am only thinking about my baby since I lost my baby. I feel like there is no hope in my life. Sometimes, I feel like killing myself or babysitter especially in early morning. How do you live with pain?

Sorry for the long and clumsy message.

[babyscience]

I am so sorry to hear about your pain, I can only imagine what you are going through and I think it is only natural to focus on your pain right now.  That is a mothers worst nightmare to have to go through that.  Have you seen a doctor about depression, maybe you can get on some meds that will help ease the pain right now that only time can heal.  Just know you have a little boy to live for, that I am sure loves you very very much.  Now with the babysitter I dont think I would ever be able to forgive her, but again only time will tell.
  I will be thinking about you and your family, I wish you the best and I wish you peace.  

[missylou4]

I have lost two children to SIDS Both 4 months old and a year apart. A baby girl and a baby boy. No explanations... both asleep on thier back in a clean crib. My baby boy died between 5 am and 7 am ... my baby girl died 20 minutes after being put down for her nap (we checked on her so much by tapping her chest to make her arms fly up) No matter what, there are no what ifs I did everything by the book for my babies... the pain does not stop but I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent my childrens death. Science will find a reason in the future but for now - live off the short joy that your child brought to your life.

[missylou4]

Sorry to have come across so cold on my last entry. I have had two years to deal with the pain. I still deal with the guilt. But please stop trying to find blame it will eat you up. Ignore the negative live for the positive. I have 3 other children that need me desperately. I now put all my energy into them instead of something I cannot change. Live for your childs future, help him to be the best he can.  Please you do not really know how much he needs you.

[proudmom87]

i am so sorry for all of your loses. i can never imagine going thou that. me i could have most likely losted my youngest son derek cause the hospital tried to give him med that he didn't even need. that was serious. well he is healthy n i thank god for that. i could never ever forever myself for not fully being there for him when he was Kalamazoo when i was sick and stuck on the couch n pain at home. i think about this all the time. what if he would have died? i would probably have killed myself. but lucky for me i had a husband who cared and loved me and took my meds away and time. plus i do have a two year old son. who i love also. it was tough. but forget about me i am not important yall are...

again i hope you do realize that your son needs you, i understand its tough losing a child. i losted my younger brother he was like my child when i was younger. BUT i moved on it was hard but i moved on. if you need to talk just message me anytime. i am here to listen and care. etc...


ill be thinking about you and your families

[crabscanfly]

Its really hard to lose a baby, probably the hardest thing anyone/mother would have to go through in their lifetime, But i will say, As time goes on, it gets a bit better to talk about with other people. My sister lost her baby july 12/08 at 32 days old. and for the first while. she basically wasnt herself. she kept saying What if, I Woke her up at that time? What if this. And you cant do that to yourself. and my nice was put to sleep at 11:00pm and past away anywhere between 11 pm and 3 am when they found her, and when my sister came running to my door. I dont understand how you feel. when you lose a baby, but in a way i do, as it was my niece and i was always doing something with my sister and baby girl. and then one day, it was all taken!. its hard for my sister i think because i have a baby girl as well which is just about 9 months old. they were just bout 3 months apart.. I will Say one thing, me and my sister now are Doing SIDS Fundraisers now, sence Sept/08. And thats what keeps us going Is thoughs fundraisers. we have raised about 4,000$ just in 3 months so far, our goal for this year is 5,000$, My sister also went to a conference, whiched helped her learn about SIDS And some of the updated research, they have got. and you would be suprised what info they dont have out yet, Take your time in this process to grieve, because it takes along time, it will get easier to talk abotu, and sometimes it helps., If you are depressed, you should see a doctor about it.

[Jody]

Christmas *****!  Make it all go away!