Suicidal feelings User Group
Feeling depressed
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When something happens in your life and it is too much to handle mentally and physically and you just don't want to feel it anymore.

Founded by BellaMarie84 on September 26, 2009
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Feeling depressed

Hi.  Just thought I'd start another new post, else it takes ages to come through.
I feel pretty confident that I am depressed again.  May talk to my GP about it tomorrow.
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Avatar f tn
I missed this earlier, good luck with your GP i have written on the other post as well. Sorry you are depressed as well, i am so fed up i could scream nothing is working. Let me know how you get on.
Avatar f tn
I will.  I am feeling a little better this morning.  I was feeling quite low last night.  I should go or I will end up being late plus I've had too much tea to drink and will pee my pants if I don't.  Sorry, way too much information.  Talk to you later.
Avatar f tn
How did it go at the doctor's? I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.
I had therapy today it went better, after it was over he asked me had he upset me today in any way i said no,so he must have known that the last day didn't go well but today was different we talked about the positives in my life and he said i should return to analytical therapy after i leave him to discuss the childhood issues. I have the appointment with the doctor on the 18th my therapist confirmed it today. He said he wants to be sure that the intensive therapy is for the best the other doctor said it is but  this doctor is over the rest of them so they want his opinion.
I spent the afternoon in bed i was so stressed and anxious i had to get away from it for a while i still feel awful but i had to get up and make dinner.
Everytime i sleep i dream that my mother is speaking to me again.
I tried to get in touch with my social worker again she seems to have disappeared.
I hope it went well at the doctors, have a good day.
Avatar f tn
Going to the doctor didn't real change anything.  I posted stuff on the emotional eating forum if you want to read that.  It's my last post on my question.  It might trigger so maybe you shouldn't read it.

Your T is doing what is typically a wind down to the session.  It means you leave feeling contained and OK, etc rather than you just leaving without a proper ending to the session.

You guys seem to have too many resources there.  Your T seems to be squandering them because he isn't being more assertive.  He seems to lack some confidence.  I guess he is possibly afraid that you may act on some of your feelings and that is difficult and frightening for him to deal with.

So maybe you need to address the material about your mother.  Why is this bothering you so much?

Is wet here today.  Our plumber came yesterday and we can use the shower now.  Only problem is we have to dry the tiles and glass, etc which takes longer than the actual shower.  It's not very practical so I can't see it lasting.
Avatar f tn
Yeah we have some good resourses here but sometimes i don't find them very helpful or maybe its just me. I am hurt because my mother has been able to forget i exist, i know she won't call me which proves she doesn't care, not just that though my whole life she has critized me all the time for everything i do, she has never been supportive and it was always a struggle even to get her to look after them if i had to go somewhere, i was always trying to please her and then when i was at my lowest this year when i tried to kill myself she blamed my partner and was very angry at him she never once asked was i alright, she doesn't even know i was in hospital.
My therapist is afraid i think, he said today did i feel safe allowing him to bring all the emotions and stuff to the surface he asked did i trust him, i said yes i do when i am with him but when i am alone and on my way home thats when i have trouble coping with the feelings, he said he knows that and thats why he needs me in a safe environment.
I am so depressed tonight my partner is complaining as usual because i am on here, i wish he would give over.
The man is driving me mad.
I usually just open the window in the bathroom it drys out the shower but then i am lazy i couldn't be bothered spending time drying it.
I am going to read your stuff on the emotionally eating forum.
I hope you have a good day.
Avatar f tn
It doesn't prove that.  To me it sounds as though you are both hurting and are as obstinate as each other.

My parents had some stuff put on it and I think you have to do it that in order to keep the guarantee valid.  Not sure.  It's a pin in the butt to be honest.  Mum had a shower under the hose outside this morning and then knocked on the door waiting to be let in as she had locked herself out.  What's the point in having a shower at all if you're not going to use it?

I answered your question on the mh expert forum but wanted to give some latitude for the doctor to provide his own comments.  He sometimes just concurs with what other members have to say.

The emotional eating forum stuff was a bit intense.  I've been feeling pretty bad at times.
Avatar f tn
I read your other post and all i can say is how do you cope? You listen to me moaning away all the time and feel terrible yourself, i think alot like you but maybe not as extreme, i get periods of feeling really bad and suicidal and no one seems to listen, its really frustrating are people really that afraid to take a stand and help.
Will he eventually put you in hospital if you get worse?
I guess you have issues with family too.
I have decided that my daughter will take my three youngest to see my mother then i don't have to speak to her and i also don't feel guilty about my children missing out, i will see how it works out.
I tried for three days to get my social worker and i got her today and we are back to the pointless promising of not hurting myself for the next ten days until the intensive therapy starts i told her no i can't, i told her i am so fed up and frustrated and think about when i can escape and how, even in the bath i was having thoughts, its driving me mad. She said she can admit me to hospital if i continue to feel like this and she will admit me against my will if she thinks i am not listening to her or if she thinks i am not safe at home, whats the point? Was she trying to warn me or something, she said if she feels i am not safe she will admit me no matter what i say, why now? I told her they can't stop me if i really want to go i will.
I am meeting with her tomorrow she asked whats behind the suicidal feelings? I don't know everything, anger, frustration, anxiety, panic, fear and the way the police treated me and my parents and the fact that i'm not me anymore i don't know who i am anymore.
I can see why you are so frustrated too waiting on a review is bound to be so hard.
But like you say to me suicide is not an option for you, i hope you get some relief soon. You say you feel better in the morning, i feel worse in the morning and then it just continues on from there. I am so anxious tonight i think its because i know the therapy will start soon but then there is the doctor to meet with first, what if he admits me i need to not be too honest with him.
I hope you have a good day.
Avatar f tn
I'm not coping.  I'm a mess.  I post because it is a good distraction and it takes me out of myself for a while.  You must find that too.  I find talking to others can be quite soothing although I often feel guilty that I don't use that time to work on my own issues.  I guess the truth is that I can't deal with my own issues at this time.  I do to a degree but not that intensively.  I mean I can't deal with the negative emotions that confronting issues evokes.  I don't really understand how making more stress in an already crisis situation can help.

My thinking can be pretty black and white plus I don't have the social skills you seem too.  I get a little envious sometimes when you talk about relationships.  Not that I envy your relationship with your partner as it stands.  I like the thought of the happy ever after.  The perfect husband, children, friends, work and life balance.  I get that that is a bit idealistic and in reality relationships require work and commitment.

I think some are of the opinion that help or hospital can set a precedent and in turn can leave us feeling more needy and dependent on others to support us.
I think inaction can sometimes trigger stuff for us too.  It is a very fine line.  Very fine.

Probably not.  If I get worse I'll hurt myself and that will generate support from them and anger from me.
I often feel that I get so backed into a corner and nobody will help that I have to act to a) get some control over the situation and b) maintain some sense of integrity in the sense that yes things are that bad and people needed to have listened and intervened.
It gets a bit confusing.  There are many, many different thoughts and emotions.  Usually I just feel so bad, desperate and overwhelmed I don't see other options and are way less tolerant.  At the moment I am binge eating to negate the negative emotions.  There comes a point though when I feel so fat and disgusted and filled with self-loathing.  I don't seem able to break that cycle because I am so stressed and I can't tolerate being that over-weight.  I feel more pressured during family visits or social events.  That feels like a lot of pressure for me.

My family is a bit mixed and often gives out mixed messages.  My parents are the worst.  The brother whom I am closest too seems the most normal out of all of us.
My sister once sent us a (Bart) Simpson poster saying, "Remember, as far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family!"
On the outside we appear OK.  Since I've been sick though people have noticed the cracks more and more.

It's not fair to put that pressure on your daughter.  This is between you and your mother, not them.  What you're doing isn't ideal but it is better than alienating everyone.

Why doesn't she just shut up and admit you.  I would do that.  I would have done it for me too but my situation is slightly different.  If there were support at the hospital I would go -probably in a heart beat.  It's pointless though for me and that is what contributes to me feeling trapped and powerless.

You're right but that's not what you want, you're asking for help.  Screaming for help actually.

Suicide and homicide are usually about anger.

You sound confused.  Probably more because things aren't as you expected or planned.  And because things happened.  They were a shock.  It's possibly left you challenging everything you know about yourself.  I think the assault and the invalidation or re-victimization by the police has really shaken you.  I think this is what has reminded you of your family though.  Your family thing will be an important theme to work through.
For me family and traumatic events seem quite distant.  Maybe because I'm not in therapy and constantly looking at them but maybe because they don't seem all that important anymore.  ??

It's probably more of an option for me as I have no responsibilities, no kids, etc but you're right it isn't an option.  I have the potential to live a happy life.  I want that for me.  I want a life without the chronic stress, etc.  I want to live that and feel that.

Recovery will take a lot longer if you aren't honest.  It sounds as though they are trying to allow you to retain some control.  Use that control positively though.
For me that would mean asking for help when I really need it instead of hurting or killing myself.
For you that could be admitting that you have a problem and accept the help on offer.

Looking forward to hearing what the doctor advises you.

I was thinking about asking my GP for respite.  Not sure if that would be very helpful though.  Part of me would do it too just to use funding that isn't being spent on my care.  Although they are funding that review.  That is very sadistic of me.  I guess that is also pretty passive-aggressive.

Will you remind me about your doctor's appointment.  My memory, etc is bad at the moment and I am likely forget.  Not because I don't care though.

I hope you have a good day too.
Avatar m tn
I can understand, I quit treatment because I simply have had enuf.
Avatar f tn
I agree posting on here really helps and the fact that you seem to understand so much what i go through helps even more, its good to feel that i am not the only person who see's things the way i do.
The suicide side of things is hard to deal with i can go from being ok to suicidal quite quickly which is confusing its like my mood changes really quickly and i need to escape there and then, then i call my therapist or social worker for help, well i do now, twice in the past i didn't and alot of people got hurt when they realised how bad i really felt, i don't want to hurt them again if i go i need to be sure i'm not coming back, i know it sounds so selfish but at times i feel so bad i need a way out.
I think its unfair that you feel you have to hurt yourself to get them to listen its a shame people won't listen without it going that far. Would they be able to offer you respite, it would be for you to get some help, even in that way, i agree hospital is not much use, when i was in i was so bored it made me even more suicidal and i felt trapped like you and i felt like they had taken all control from me and because i take panic attacks that made it worse, some of the nurses were really nice and offered to make me a hot drink to help me sleep, the other nurse i have met several times since in town and she stops and talks. she was really nice but it was so boring and i was on the high risk ward and was watched all the time even when my partner came to see me they sat in the room with us, i was allowed to be alone with my social worker and therapist though, they took my ipod, my belt, my cd's everything and i wasn't allowed to bath only shower with someone there and i hated the fact that the toilet doors barely closed never mind locking.
I made friends with a woman who was scizhophrenic( not sure how to spell it) we got on really well and i met a few people who were bipolar as well and some were really depressed they didn't even know where they were. The boredom was the worst.
You are lucky you get on with your brother, mine's don't speak to me because they hate my partner, doesn't make sense. My daughter doesn't mind taking them around she gets to spend some time there as well.
I am quite a social person, my social worker was telling me that today as well she is trying to build my confidence and self esteem, she will have a hard time, i don't think very much of myself. I told her alot of personal stuff about the way i was as a teenager and that i didn't have many morals then, she said thats to do with the stuff that happened when i was younger, believe me i was to social then, thats why i don't think too much of myself now.
I get what you mean about the eating bit i try to eat the anxiety away and then i feel worse.
You exercise and can run so thats good, and you recognise that you eat too much so thats a start.
It would be great if you could recieve some help when you need it the most.
I know i seem quite social but i don't have any friends just people i say hello to but thats as far as it goes, i'm just not comfortable with people.
The website helped you understand then, i know what sets me of but sometimes i welcome that then i have an excuse if i do try something, like the intensive therapy i know it will send me over the edge but i am also aware that they are trying to help and i would feel like i wasted their time if i killed myself in the middle of the therapy i can't imagine they would be too happy with me either.
My therapist is planning on seeing me everyday for a week, for a few hours then they leave me alone to process the stuff or in my case panic and want to run away so the staff will watch me, then later that day my social worker will come and see me for a while, i was hoping to come home at some point but they my therapist doesn't want me too, i am really anxious about it already and i am anxious about the doctor as well and what he will advise them to do, if they say hospital for it i will be so afraid then i will run.
Can i ask what thoughts make you feel suicidal? What helps to get rid of them if anything helps?
I think you should ask for respite if you think it would help.
I will probably mention my doctor's appointment before then anyway, i know you care, you keep talking and that really helps.
I hope you have a good day and feel a bit better if you can.
Avatar f tn
I'll read and reply to this later.  I have been on the computer way too long already.
Avatar f tn
I guess feeling heard does help.  Early on I joined several yahoo health groups and some people there seemed to relate to some things I said everything if they didn't understand.

I don't believe suicide is selfish.  I know many others do.  Maybe in your situation with a young family it would be.  I try not to judge others and know I can't truly understand them, their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  People are complex.  Life is sometimes complex.

It does seem unfair that we don't have access to treatment that has the potential to help us.
I'm sure respite could be an option.  It's just like going to a strangers home for a night or two though.  Perhaps more stressful than it is worth.

I think for me the problem was I felt that ethically or legally I needed to stay.  I had opportunities to leave and I should have.  Not huge opportunities but opportunities none the less.

Hospital was stressful for me because I had alienated my family.  I didn't know how to communicate with them in a way that left me feeling empowered.  I didn't want to take meds which I was forced too.  The people were a bit strange (talking to their apples, being manic, etc).  The place was noisy.  I didn't feel as though I had any privacy.  People watching you, watching you go to the toilet, having a shower, eating, sleeping.  People talking about how they would kill themselves.  People being taken away for ect.

Boredom is something you can do something about though.

Yours should be able to phone you or speak to you away from your partner.  Sometimes you need to negotiate new rules for the relationship.

What we've done in the past is done, we can't change that.  We shouldn't keep beating ourselves up over things we've done.

I'm not exercising at the moment and I always seem to sabotage any efforts when I feel close to achieving some goal.

Probably not.  Imagine all the paperwork and the investigation.  And of course they would miss you and the opportunity to work with you and to help you.

I think that you need to be in hospital for it.  I think it is the only place for it at this time.

Sure!  There are lots of different things.  A few?
My weight.  Feeling fat.  My teeth.
Thinking about the future.  Thinking about what I have lost.  My missed childhood.  Lack of education and employment.  Lack of friends.  My inability to relate to others.  My failures.  My past.  Guilt about things I have done or not done.  Feeling trapped or overwhelmed.  Feeling useless and inadequate.  Feeling stupid.  Seeing others successes.  Seeing children laughing and playing.

They aren't all feelings are they?  Most feelings would be of powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  That sort of thing.

What helps?  Distracting myself.  Changing my physiology by exercising, having a hot shower, etc.  Thinking about my future.  Comparing myself to others.  Recognizing that I am mentally tough and that I can get through this.  Tolerating things in the moment.  Life is just a bunch of moments.  Giving where I am meaning.  Accept that I am learning now even if it isn't what I think I should be.  Talking to people.  Talking through issues.  Sometimes music although sometimes that can be triggering.  A lot of things.  Reading Mills and Boon medical romances.

I have spent most of my day on the computer.  I will keep my doctor's appointment for next week and try and work through some of this and get help if I need it.
Avatar f tn
I like the way you can see both the good and the bad in your life you have a balance, which is good, i know its not good to be so negative so if you can see good in yourself i guess thats half the battle.
I feel that way too that my childhood was ruined for whatever reason and that impacted on the rest of my life even though i am only realising now, when i had analytical therapy it led to this point and then i ran i couldn't face up to it that was six years ago so i have spent six years trying to deny the way i felt about certain things and not accepting that they made me the way i am.
I was at the doctors this morning to get some tests done, after what happened last year i was supposed to get tests done but at the time i panicked and left, now i have been have problems so i had to go today, not surprisingly i didn't want to come home after but i had to, the slightest thing and i want to escape.
You seem to know alot about yourself thats good.
I am scared they will send me to the hospital instead, i know yeah its a safer place, i can't get out of there but i hate feeling trapped.
I listen to alot of music sometimes it helps sometimes not it can bring me down and put me in a strange frame of mind.
I am tired fighting with myself and i want to go to bed but i have to stay up for my children, although sometimes i feel distant from them too, i need to distance myself from them for the intensive therapy otherwise i will miss them too much and that will make it worse
Overwhelmed i get that too alot, then i feel the need to shut down.
I am this computer way too much as well my partner goes mad but i need the distraction and the talking.
Are your family supportive now? I think unless people actually experience depression, panic, suicidal thoughts they can't understand how hard it it. My mother thinks i am useless for not trying hard she doesn't know the half of it and i won't tell her.
I would just like the freedom to make my own choices and live in my own world but people won't let me.
I hope you have a good day.
Avatar f tn
My family are and they aren't.  They don't understand me or the illness.

You do have the freedom to do all, can't you see that?

The doc should answer your post soon.  I hope your tests turn out alright.
Avatar f tn
I had a strange time talking with my mum she is so not interested in helping me, she has no understanding of me at all, i told her i was going away for a week to get help with depression i didn't tell her the truth as there is alot of stuff she doesn't know including what happened last year, anyway she said to treat depression i need to take medication and get out of the house more, as simple as that. She hasn't a clue i said ok, and she said what about my children, leaving them for a week for what? I feel bad enough leaving them but she has no idea how bad i feel, but if i can't get control i won't be able to be here for them at all.
I will know in a week or so the results of the test.
Families are strange in general i wouldn't even know where to begin with my mother.
I hope all is well with you.
Avatar f tn
My mother seems to think that work is the solution to my problems.
I don't feel that working, without pay, for them, is all that helpful though.  Just makes me feel even more depressed and leaves me feeling trapped in a dead-end situation.  In order to be able to work though I feel like I need to address my issues.
She thinks any work.  But right now I can barely function, let alone hold down a job.

Your mother might understand due to the assault (but then she may just blame you anyway).  My parents understood, or exaggerated, about me having breast cancer treatment.  Which in regards to my mh issues was minimal.  They sympathize for cancer but alienate me for stuff that hurts me and my quality of life everyday.

My mother couldn't understand how when I was depressed I found it a huge effort to walk say about 50 m and turn a tap off.

I would go and forget about your kids for the duration of that time.  You need to focus on you and getting yourself well.  Your kids will cope.

If anyone ever asks I am always OK, fine, good or great.  Take your pick.
Avatar f tn
Yeah, me too everytime i go to my therapist he asked how have you been i always say fine or ok, i am fed up saying that i want to go in and scream at him, what do you think? Would i be here if all was ok. Not a good day, and the neighbor's are adding to the stress, they are so stuck up and seem to have a dislike for my children, one neighbor greased the fence, the other one complained about them playing football, and today the polish child called for my son but he was getting his dinner when he went to call for hi, his father chased and was really rude, it makes me so angry, there are 17 houses where i live and only 4 houses have children the rest are just people with lots of money and no manners. My children don't even bother them if they did i would understand.
I need to try and forget about everyone that week or it will make it worse. I realised today that its eaiser for me to have everyone angry at me because when i go to escape this its better if everyone hates me already, does that make sense?
Are you totally clear from cancer now, i think i asked that before. That must have been a really scary time.
I hope you have a good day.
Avatar f tn
It makes sense.  It helps you with motivation and courage.
I haven't had any tests done.  Probably but not sure.

I was actually happy.  They said I would need x many weeks of radiation at this other centre.  It was probably a bit like going away for respite for a period.  It was pretty sad and stressful though.
Avatar f tn
Probably not as scary as a blood clot either.
Avatar f tn
I reckon they are both scary, you had time to take your illness in, mine happened so suddenly. I remember this, i was at work on the Saturday night in the nightclub, i was breathless and sick but i was 6 weeks pregnant so i thought it was that, the pain started on the Tuesday evening and at midnight i went to out of hours doctor, then he knew straight away something was wrong and he sent me to the medical team who took blood form an atery in my wrist i was so scared anyway i had to wait an hour, then they came back and said i had to stay that something was wrong, my partner had to go home as my youngest was only a year old and we were afraid he would wake up looking for us. Three days i waited for them to find out i was in so much pain i overdosed on pain relief then they wouldn't give me any more. On the Thursday the doctor planned the scans for the next day and i had to fast but i hadn't eaten in three days anyway. The morning came and the ultrasound of my gall bladder was normal so he told me they would have to do a CT scan and inject dye into my vein there was a risk i would lose the baby but if i didn't have it done there was a 1 in 3 chance i would die, so in i went go it done and an hour later they told me i had a blood clot on my right lung and i also had pnuemoina so i was alot sicker than they thought, i was tranferred to a medical ward and i was sick every 15 minutes or so, they gave me an anti-sickness injection and i reacted badly to it, i couldn't even get up in the bed and i panicked. This was Friday by now and i had lost 10lb in weight and they put me on a drip for two days, but i spent the Saturday in tears because the week before i was at work all normal and that week everything changed so much and i had to get injections to stay alive. I got home on the Monday though and was taken back in three weeks later i was allergic to the medication, so another week in hospital but the medication worked well and i made friends with a woman who was 66yrs old and she died 4 months later it was so sad, i got a second chance and she didn't. You would think i wouldn't be suicidal after all that, if it were only that simple. I don't know where all that came from, but i think your are amazingly strong to come through breast cancer and i hope you continue to stay well. I hope you have a good day.
Avatar f tn
I think we should continue talking here and not in the other forum.
No, I thought I was OK.  Was surprised when I was told the diagnosis.  The surgeon also said it was rare in someone my age.  I'm not quite a dinosaur yet.  Even if I do feel like one.
Blood taken from the artery can be painful.  I had that done when I had severe asthma.
Did you panic start with the hospital?

I have to go get ready for my doctors appointment.  Still haven't done anything today and it is 10.30 am.  Yikes.
Avatar f tn
Yeah i will post here from now on, i read the other one first so i replied there too. No, i have had panic attacks from i was 18 after the birth of my daughter, and then i became argraphobic, then developed OCD, then panic disorder, then i was assaulted and now have PTSD and the newest addition major depressive disorder. I don't know your age its not on your profile, i remember reading once that you had deleted your stuff i can't remember why.
I hope it goes well at the doctors, have a good day.
Avatar f tn
I'm feeling pretty stressed and aren't feeling that well.  Perhaps Dr Gould's response to the post about cutting equally applied to me.
I'm too tired to care and to deal with this right now.  Maybe tomorrow?
Avatar f tn
I have replied to your other post on the expert forum here.
I guess you said all that because its bothering you, and i understand your frustration, i think professionals do care but they don't show it really well. Its unfair that they haven't given you support and now you feel worse. I agree hospital's aren't the best place but as you have told me they are the safest place sometimes and if you feel that bad maybe you should go there for your own safety.
Maybe you will get your review soon, hopefully.
I had my therapist today, our relationship is not the same i don't know why, it is really bothering me. I opened up alot to my social worker last week and i think she told him alot of things so he is referring me back to the other therapy not now but in the future. I really wish i felt the same with him, i don't want to go on Monday and if he is only coming to see me three times i won't be staying the week, i will go mad with the boredom alone but he had no understanding he said bring your i-pod and some books. I feel like he doesn't care anymore and that was what always made our relationship workable because i felt he understood and cared, also he said some stuff about the referral to social services which wasn't true i never said that stuff, i never asked him to contact them. I don't know if he is the right therapist or not, he wants me to remain hopeful that i have the other therapy again after this, but i'm not, i'm frustrated.
I'm not suicidal these days for a while anyway. I was at my course it finished tonight i felt quite sad, i will miss them, we have our presentation night in June so i will see them then.
I hope you feel better today. Talk with your doctor or whoever can help.
Avatar f tn
I actually feel OK today.  I usually feel most distressed at the end of the day.
Could you just feel a lack of connection with your T.  I know when that happens with me I find it hard.  It could be due to my GP going on leave.  Real basic stuff like that.  Or not not feeling like I have been heard.  Sometimes it takes a bit to feel that connection again.
Avatar f tn
I was with my social worker today and she said that the sessions will be very intense and i am expected to talk in detail about what happens so she said three sessions will be enough, she said that they have to keep it safe for me, so i understand it more now. I am planning to come home on Wednesday i have a course i go to and my baby goes to the playgroup there and the health visitor is coming to assess my three yr old so i want to be at home for that, so my therapist said he will either come out on the Tuesday or Thursday instead, we talked to him as we were leaving, his office is in the same building where i see the social worker.
I feel strange with him at times but i need to remind myself he has always been there for me and he is trying to help and i would rather talk to him than somebody i didn't know.
Its really warm today its strange because it has been cold for so long.
I feel slightly calmer these days but i think its because of the therapy on Monday, they said not to put all my hopes on it that i should view it has just the beginning and not the cure to it all. I said its probably the calm before the storm.
My social worker said she will also call out on Monday evening after the first session and the staff there will be aware of why i am there and she said if they feel its not safe for me to go home they won't allow me, that makes me anxious.
I usually feel better at night, the mornings are my worst i am unbearable to listen to and i feel so stressed.
I hope you have a good day.
Avatar f tn
It is going to be hard for you once a lot of your difficult stuff is brought out into the open.

Me too.

The suicide thread seems to have been continued on the mh expert forum.  If you wanted to keep posting there or add your thoughts you should.  I almost feel like I chased you away.  You know you can post there if you want, don't you.
Maybe staying away is also healthier as some of it could be quite stressful to hear especially if you're looking to do some intense therapy shortly.  I write because I don't have that support.  Which isn't healthy.  I'm not healthy.

Just wanted to make sure that you were OK with whatever.
Avatar f tn
No, you didn't chase me away, my mind is other places these days. That other stuff is a really big trigger for me as i really don't agree with alot of the stuff, I understand everyone is different and has different experiences so i probably don't have the right to say that but i am struggling to keep myself safe as maybe alot of others are and to read that, its like saying there is no help available anywhere and if that is the case then i may as well kill myself before i waste my therapists time next week. If there is no hope then i may as well go now. I am hanging on by a very thin thread these days and i am keeping it all underneath as to not upset anyone. I can't trust my therapist enough to tell him how i feel, i know i have support but it doesn't mean i don't feel really bad and well where do i turn now. Anyway, maybe my mind is already made up i just need a little push in the direction i am going, its a nice day for a drive, i'm not sure why i'm so angry now and feeling unstable.
Avatar f tn
You have every right to your thoughts and feelings.  I think maybe it isn't all that helpful for me either.  It brings back a lot of material from when I was unwell.  I don't think the stuff is to be agreed with, obviously it's written from an unwell perspective, but that's how we feel.  It's good if you haven't felt that degree of rejection from health professionals.
I personally don't believe in spiritual guides, etc although I have seen some TV programs and I am not ready to totally dismiss them.  I think instead of having a gift though some people are just plain unwell.  I don't believe in hurting oneself either and that theoretically that one should always seek assistance for overwhelming thoughts and feelings.  

No, we're not saying that.  We were saying that we had been misunderstood and been mistreated.  I think there are many good services out there and good people.  I think that I and that other person were just not a good mix for our service at that time.  A time when we were unwell and needed support and weren't given the support that would help us.  Only forced to accept support that made us worse.  I think your situation is totally different.  You have support, I don't.  Your treatment team listen to you and give you as much control as they deem safe (and probably a little more for good measure), that other person is never given that benefit.  They lock her up regardless.  That is unhealthy.  You have the most function treatment team out of all of us.

Talk to people.  Don't keep quiet.  I had noticed that you seemed to be engaging less.  I have also been a little preoccupied with some other posts plus I felt that someone was stalking me/ harassing me which was quite time-consuming.
I've probably let my issues bubble to the surface and I haven't been as careful to contain them.  Hearing someone else struggle almost felt as though I had permission to vent all the stuff nobody is there to listen to.  That I don't dare tell most people.

You talk to your T.  The not trusting is because of something that has happened and needs to be explored in therapy.  I have times when I don't trust either.  Usually it is because I feel hurt or because I don't feel as strong a connection with that person.

I think maybe the stress of everything.  I think you're hurting as much as we are, perhaps more.  You feel a little more raw at this time.

Talk to me about how bad you feel if you want.  You can send it to my e-mail address if you want.  I can cope with it.  You also need to talk to your T, etc.  Can you ask for respite over the weekend?

Talk to me ...
Avatar f tn
Thankyou for that, i was afraid i would have upset you. I agree you have been mistreated and that other person too and i know i am lucky i have a support team. I know that other person was locked up regardless, i have been lucky even when i rang out of hours feeling suicidal they talked me down instead of admitting me.
I know everyone is entitled to say how they feel and that shouldn't change on here and you should feel totally free to vent when you feel really bad, i am here for you too, on here or by e-mail. I have really appreciated your support these last few months, and i know you feel so bad at times yourself but you have always supported me and it really helps.
I know that other person is really unwell and it made me really aware that if it triggered me then others could feel the same, but i agree she is unwell and should be able to talk freely on here as she doesn't have a good support either. Sometimes i am too sensitive and too easily set of. I have become quite withdrawn lately which is unlike me, my social worker thought i seemed calmer i said yeah maybe its the calm before the storm. What they don't get is, that when i am quiet and calm they should be more worried because when i am always in a crisis and calling them, then i am talking and i want help, when i am quiet i am just giving up.
I actually feel quite hurt by my therapist, i think so much of him and now i feel a bit let down, but then i think maybe i am wrong and its because i feel the way i do that i view him differently. I am glad he is doing the therapy if he would just stop mentioning the other therapy, but maybe he means in the future i hope.
I think the three sessions are just the beginning of it all i hope, i hope he doesn't think just do the three and pass me on, maybe i am worrying for nothing, i hope.
No, i can't ask for respite unless i was really bad but i am going there on Monday and i have so much to do, i am trying to have enough food in for my family and all the clothes washed and ironed, so much to do, but it helps distract me i suppose.
Thanks for all the support. I hope all is well with you.
Avatar f tn
That does sound like a lot to prepare.  I know how stressed my sister can become just with one to cater for (two if you include the husband who is basically just another kid).  Calm is also bad for me too.  Sometimes though I am calm after a long, long period of unwellness or intense struggle.
I'm sorry I triggered you by using that word especially when you are trying to distance yourself from it and the work you need to do next week.  Sorry!
The other person was sounding much better.  I hope she is able to find something long-term though.

I should go.  My brother was going to call and won't be able to with me hogging the phone line.

Take care and be safe.
Avatar f tn
Its not your fault i just get really angry around that subject, anyway i'm not doing so good but anyway, i had a depressing day and then read the comments on the other forum making me feel worse but really who cares. I really enjoyed talking with you, thanks for all your support. I Hope you get all the support you need you truly deserve it. You take care too.
Avatar f tn
I care.  A lot of people here care.
In some respects I think it's good to vent your anger.  I think I needed to release some of my anger before I could move on.
Did you go to the beach?
It's understandable that you would feel stressed and depressed, etc.  And  tired after picking your daughter and her boyfriend up so late/ early.

Are you able to phone anyone for support?  I know your T and social worker won't be in yet but can you call someone else from the service.
Please go to the hospital before you do anything stupid.  Please don't hurt yourself.

If you're still up and reading this do you want to talk?  I'm going to be on for the next little bit then will check my e-mails.

I really hope you keep yourself safe.  Don't go down the other road it's not worth it.

Avatar f tn
I was thinking that way but i am still waiting in the hope this works, i am sorry if i worried you.
I am really angry and need to release it properly.
We went to the beach it was beautiful but i still felt depressed.
The safety issue will be a big thing for me this week and i don't feel i can tell my therapist, i don't feel i can tell him much to be honest.
I hope all is well with you, have a good day.
Avatar f tn
We both know it's not the answer despite how bad we feel at times.
You won't just have three sessions and then be cured, that's not how it works.  Therapy is going to take months, maybe years.  Being realistic here.  That doesn't mean that your quality of life won't improve though.  It will.  Bit by bit.
I was wondering whether I needed to contact someone to contact you.  I'm glad I didn't though because that would have gotten messy.  I would have hated for you to have hurt yourself.  I probably would have felt responsible.

Anger's good as long as it's channelled appropriately.  It took me a long time of being angry before I started to see subtle changes.
Your mood may take a bit to lift too.  Doing stuff you enjoy on a regular basis should help.

Just go with what you feel able too.  You have already trusted him a great deal with information.  Being in a (slightly) safer environment is a good opportunity for you to explore how you feel more.
If you have safety issues you need to tell someone.  It doesn't have to be your T.  Someone at the facility.

It's evening here now.  I'm stressing a bit.  I was hoping Dr Gould may give me some advice before I saw my GP.  I'm not sure that that is going to happen and I am a bit anxious with how to tackle stuff with my GP.  I guess it will all work out in the end.

I hope therapy goes well for you this week.  If you need help with anxiety or safety make sure you ask and don't slog your way through it by yourself.  People are there to help you.  Use them.

Good luck and best wishes.
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